Hey! Hey!

So I have a week to be a normal person. This is very exciting!

Its spring break and I am soooo happy! I have homework to do, but not a LOT. but some. Enough to keep me busy but Ill have time to live a normal life for a few days.

So to catch up....

A couple of weeks ago I twisted off for a night over the weekend and visited Arcosanti < www.arcosanti.org/ >. Arcosanti is a really cool community in central Arizona. The architect that built is world famous and his ideas on building and life are inspiring. It was sooo cool. You must open the above link and at least take a peak. Its soo very unique.

Unfortunately however, there was an indie film doing some shooting there, and we got finagled into being extras which was horrifying. This group was from Texas and im not sure how amature they were... but they treated us (the extras) like ass and eventually me and fam walked off the set and went to grab some food. F them. All they did was waste our time and rudely boss us around. And by the way - this was not a paid. We agreed to do it for purely the experience which I have now realized that I dont need. I will never be an extra in a movie again. Its not fun. At all.

But Arcosanti is beautiful. It's located in Central Arizona, which is a beautiful place. The weather is perfect. The landscape is gorgeous. You can feel mother earth there. You feel a connectedness that i dont feel here in the city, and havent really felt in other places. It's close to Sedona, AZ and the Vortexes so maybe that why you feel Mother earth and her energies.

So anyways, I want to live there someday. Someday when I dont have to bust my ass to make a buck anymore. But.. thats a while away so i wont get carried away.

But its an amazing place. I used to want to leave Phoenix but the older I get the more in love i become with diverse state. And we have a freaking cool name: Phoenix, the sun bird.



So onward...

I have received word from Australia that my best friend is coming home for a visit. Yasmin left a he years ago after graduating college to move back to her home lands. She has been in Perth for a few years now, and has put off coming home for a visit and she (I think) has committed to a visit back to the good ole AZ. I am so excited. We need this. Hence my crazy post to her the MySpace :

"so wtf - did you book????? =D =D =D =D =D I'm so happy!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG - I cant wait for wine and cigarettes and TALK and more talk of these things and of course a few of my favorite party favors. Come on May! Be here soon! We NEED this. Its been years. NEED. NEED. NEED. its not a want - its a NEED. Do you understand this? im sure you do. your my freaking sister/part of my kin, family, tribe, my brotha from anotha motha but with a Va-J-J ha ha but whatever the F -- you know this, and me. This is important. This makes me happy. And if you break my heart on this ill have your ass!

WRITE ME BACK.

Confirm the good news.

Love you always."

Yasmin and I when we were 17.

This picture is getting close to being 10 years old.

Also since its spring break I have ordered a few good books from the good ole Amazon-dot-com. I have ordered some crazy sounding memoirs and a book called 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' about 2 middle eastern girls whos family sells them to a rich older man. Its a NY best seller is suppose to be a fantastic. So I am going to go start my read.

Ill post at ya laters.

I will try to refrain from drunk-erdly posting shit on your blog and mine.....

OHG my spelling was terrible. I vaguely remeber a few comments being.... ugh... just weird.

My apologies!

anyways....

Hello Monday - I hate you!

Friday late night posting

That I got through this week. I had a ton of papers to write. And they are done.

OMG - I feel so relieved!!!! I can just sit back and relax - at least I did for this evening till I have to hit the books again tomorrow....

and even possibley go in to work to take care of some client files... which will be on my time, ie not being paid.The whole situation is fucked on that one. It shouldnt be a big deal to pay me a few extra hours especially since I am part time - but whatever!

So other related news~

Two weeks ago @ work, an email went out to everyone from the owner. He in the subject line put "Financial Reality" and basically told everyone that he was going to have to cut everyones pay by 15%.

Ugh this sucked. I just started school, I left my full time job @ Us Airways and moved over to work w/ Eric (a friend @ work) 32hrs a week so I could start back on getting through college.

Moving over I was going to be paid a little bit more then I was @ US Airways, but for working less time. I told I would get health ins and they would be flexible.

I thought that this was just about one of the best things to happen to me lately. I would being working with a friend, get paid more hourly, work less, go to school, have health insurance, and work for a new company that may someday make it big, and that the few of us employees that started on this new endevour would be in really good positions....

But No. That is not how it worked.

First it turned out that Eric and I were these peoples slaves since we handle all the finanaces (even the personal accounts). The only big thing we dont do are the taxes (which I am thankful for bc there is some little shadiness....) The other employees fuck off for majority of the day and I am quite jealous that I can t even chck my emailw/o feeling weird.



So then my health insurance offer is no longer. I am on my own for that now (of course this news comes right after my 90 days is up and when its suppose to be offered to me.

Then my pay got cut by 15% and I am not sure how I am going to get through every month on the this new rate. And how the F am I suppose to afford health insurance alone especially now??

I don't think I can.

Anyways, So yesterday I discovered I have a cavity that I need to go to the Dentist for it and I am going to have to ask my Dad to borrow the money for this. This is soooooo not fun. I am embarressed bc I have always taken care of myself - but right now I I cant care for myself. Everything is all fucked up. I am not even sure if he will help me. I'd like to think he will - but I don't know for sure.

If he doesnt - Ill have to find someone who speaks spanish and head for the border and hope I dont get shot on my way over. The State is advising ppl to stay in the UZ/AZ bc theres been a lot of trouble around the AZ/Mexico border.

I might even have to get some sort of waitressing job on the weekends or something.

Times are really really tough. Fuck!!!~~~

And My eyes are involuntarily trying to close
goodnight

I got through another week of my life...

I did, I did.
But, I am so tired, any minute my brain could just shut down, causing my eyes to roll back, my neck to go limp leaving my head hanging, slumped over in my chair over my computer. Oh seriously. I am so ready for the weekend.

For some reason I am feeling misplaced at the moment. Not sure why. Maybe its bc I saw my crazy family.


If I were to ever fill out a postcard for postsecret.com it would be this secret today:

At times somewhere deep inside, I have this slight nagging feeling to go home.
But I dont know where that is anymore.

~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

=(

I need some more blogs to read - i just realized a few more of the blogs I enjoyed are no more. =(

This makes me sad.

COME BACK!

So there it is. Such is life. Cont'd

OK so I was writing back Becky when I thought of something that I left out on my last blog...

I hate the way people judge when I disclose that I have anxiety coupled with depression.

I despise it!

I didn't ask to be this way. This is the way I came. Unfortunately so - but so it must be.

So I wanted to share with the blogger lands one encounter that I had with a person that made me fucking sick that they were sooooo misinformed/wrong about this disease/condition/whatever the F! you want to call it that I have to deal with.

Soo... where to start?..........

Last year, around this time actually, I got really sick. Bronchitis. Bad.

It started off as a cold, and then lead to bronchitis...

I went in to my Doctors office, got the good ole check up and was sent out there with antibiotics and whatever else.


Well it didn't go away. So back I went to my Doctors office... which by the way has the worst fucking waiting room I have ever ever ever been in.

You make an appointment and you can bet your ass you'll be sitting there for an extra hour. And everyone there is sick, weird looking, trashy, or just look STRANGE. Oh and the chairs are uncomfortable. And the best thing yet - the little bitches at the front desk are the rudest shit brains I have ever encountered in a "care providing" environment and they really don't give a shit if you were to foam at the mouth and drop dead.

So anyways, after this fantastical hour of complete discomfort you can see the great Doctor.

She sees me, and then she tells me I must have a viral infection and sends me packing with nothing.

OK so that's fair. There's a lot of research that Doc's over perscribe antibiotics and it only really hurts our own immunity and not the bad little bug that's making us sick.

So OK, cool whatever. I'll just go home and pop some percs and xanax (forgot to mention that too, my shrink Rx's me xanax) to get through the next few miserable days.

Well again, I never get better. I get better enough I can go to work -sort of. I go through a box a tissues like nothing, I feel like I need to take a nap every 4 hours(which I do on my desk), food doesn't seem good, my nose bleeds from time to time, my lungs hurt, I feel like I am going through menopause bc I am getting hot flashes and my body just aches!

So I go back. This is my third visit. I go through the entire waiting room debacle and finally see my Doc. She sees I am back again. But for some reason she cant "hear" my chest congestion, I'm on cold medicine so I can sort of breathe with out shooting nasty snot all over or with out sucking my nostrils shut, my cough is suppressed, and my throat isn't red and pussing, so according to her "I'm OK!" "Everything's Great!"

Ugh no. I paid to get in here, I waited to get in here, and this bitch is not going to slap me on the back and tell me "everything's fine!".

So I try to explain. No, everything is not fine.

She rebuttals....

But No i think!
So I try to reexplain, I'm sick! Words flew, descriptions were made. And finally tears flowed! I actually cried to get help after I realized nothing I said was making a difference.

Still no, she's not going to help me, and so she starts to rebuttal again...
But this time she says it must be that I am making myself sick with my anxiety and asks me if I am having a panic attack..

WAIT WHAT?
WTF???? A PANIC ATTACK?

Is she retarded? Is she this fucked in the head?

Now, I wasn't having one before this, and g*d damned I could have after that!
(but i didnt)

But really what the fuck is that??? A panic attack??? Seriously?

And it clicked. She read my file and I had disclosed to the nurse that came in first that I had a Rx to Lexapro from my shrink.
Fucking Fucking Fucking BITCH!

Needless to waste more time - I went home with no care at all, but accompanied by a totally bruised ego and enraged feelings towards her. I couldn't believe that a medical professional would treat a patient like that.

But guess what? I again I never got better. This is probably week 3 of this illness. So I go back to see that bitch, and this time I looked and sounded sick, I made sure of it. You know what I did? I didn't fucking take my cold medicine to cover up my symptoms and this time she magically heard the fucking mucus ball in my lungs. She heard the knocking rasp cough, and she could hear the snot piled up in my nose. Magically my low fever mattered!

And you want to know what I got this time?

HEAVY load of antibiotics, steroids, Rx strength cold medicine(s), inhaler AND hydromet cough syrup. Oh and in office breathing treatments.

Yup.

And YUP! Hydomet = liquid vicodin. Yum Yum, you can bet that life was shitty, but it was a lot less shitty with that.

But guess what? I didn't get better...

I went back two more times and was on a total of 3 rounds of antibiotics (some of which were 10 days Rx's) and 2 big daddy of bottles of hydromet before they put me on Tussion-X Total Suspension (sp?) which was an even heavier does of liquid hydrocodone/vicodin.

I was sick I think a for almost 3mos total. And that includes the few weeks I had to wait for them to treat me.

But to think that dumb bitch wouldn't care for me bc she stereotyped me (possibly two times) for being on anti anxiety medication?

That's wrong wrong wrong. And even more wrong that she was in the medical field. It was not like she was some ignorant hick - she was a Doctor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok so on to some randomness:

So my annotated biblio is like 9 pages long. My paper is suppose to be 6 - WTF?

And it may reach ten bc I half assed one of my entries. But I am beat - I cant do anymore thinking tonight, my brain needs a rest.

Good night.

So there it is. Such is life.

So I would really like to know how the fuck do people get through college and not loose their minds? I am taking - 2 - two - dos - classes and I am worn out all the fucking time!!! The only thing is that I work 32 hours a week in accounting. But still some people out there I have known worked full time and went to school full time. WTF? HOW?? PLEASE TEACH ME!?!?

I am not a terrible student. But I spend a lot of time doing my math HW and studying the chapter so i know what I am doing.


I have to, me = math retard.


And ok so emotional stuff get ready....

I have to get through it this time. I really have too. I have to prove to myself and my parents + family I can do it.

AND

I need to be in a career/job/work place that I like enough that makes me think being alive for another 50 years is OK. Seriously. I know that sounds sincerely morbid but - its how I feel sometimes. And I think nursing will make me feel complete. Ill be helping people. And I think that will give me more reasons to WANT get out of bed in the mornings. I think it will inspire me. I think it will be good for me. Bc when you just about hate every reason why you have to get out of bed every morning - life just sort of sucks.

So I guess I'll go a head and touch on this now (since someone has to be thinking it)... since the last period that I was posting I found out that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I take a lil bit of Lexapro for this - and have been for a while. My dose was heavier and then I realized or felt I had lost my "edge" so I lowered my does. So now I feel more of my "edge" but now I am starting to want to go back to no "edge".

Anyway - depression runs in my family. But for a long time I thought I was exempt from this. No I was not. And I got a little double whammy with the anxiety.

Bitch moment:
*Let me clear this up for any dumb fucks out there that automatically thinks anxiety = panic attacks. NO. They do not.

Panic attacks about feel like a heart attack and you usually go the ER thinking you are having one. Or perhaps for the younger gen maybe a extremely real life like, or realistic acid trip. But fucking crazy at the same time.

My anxiety does not equal those. What it does equal is spine tingling, want to jump out of my skin, eerie feelings.

Perfect example (one I used w/ my Dr) - when I had, had too much coffee in the morning and was sitting in my car stuck in traffic for as far as I can see, the urge to jump out my window and leave my car there was very attractive. To just say FUCK IT and leave was sooo tempting. OR to ram the car in front of me or to drive down the freeways shoulder. Anything but to sit there any longer was fine. I literally wanted to jump out of skin. Anyways, this is more of the extreme (for me).

My light anxiety is shaky, worried, anxious, excited for no reason etc etc.

Or there is no anxiety. Or so little that I consider it none.

And so there is the depression. I don't identify with that as much... besides maybe wishing for changes that are not humanly possible. ha ha. But no, seriously - its something I wish I could be with out.

It sucks.

So there it is. Such is life.

So I must admit...

I was so enthralled with my new/old blog that I stayed up late (instead of doing my HW) playing around with it. Geek with a Capital G!

Sometime on Monday:

"So Rachael what did you do this weekend?"

"Oh I told my friends I had too much homework to do & that I needed to stay home. But I ended up blowing it off anyways to play around on my blog."

Capital G.

Ok - so now I have 2 sections of math and 5 annotated Biblio's to do today. I love school.

Welcome Back

Shiiiiitttttt! It's been years since I have been back here! WOWZA! What inspired me to come back? OK seriously a friend and her sisters blog - http://seipasaurus.blogspot.com/.

Its good shit. Read it!

So I ended up here on good ole blogger, and so I tried my user name/PW and it logged me in! I thought my boring bullshit was stuck in public view forever! (I think i tried to get in once before and it didnt let me). The thought of never being able to all that crap down really bothered me since I aired out so much shit back then. But now I have the access! So now I guess I'll just leave that old shit for 3 reasons:

A) Its interesting for me to go back and read it every once in a while.
B) It would take forever to unpublished all those posts, but still save them for myself.
C) I don't want my blog to look so dang empty. Even if i was a weirdo back then (still am) and wrote about dumb stuff (probably still will)...

OK - so lets catch up for min...

After I stopped posting on here a few things have happened:

Almost 3 years went by...
I moved in with Blake....
I went back to work full time @ US Airways and got to travel around a bit across the US/Mexico...
Left US Air to go back to school ~ MCC - yeah!!!!
I now work part time doing accounting for some rich assholes.
Still live with Blake (5 yrs we have been together)
And wow - i read back to those old posts and i would have never thought my life would have ended up this way. Life is good, don't get me wrong. But the path always changes up on you...

So anyways, now i am a fatter, older (25yr old), hopefully wiser Rachael.
Still my same old self. Perhaps just more comfortable in my skin. I don't know - but whatever.

So something really sad happened this week; 97.1 Free FM was taken off the air. 97.1 was a FM talk radio station in California that I listen to via the net. Mornings were Adam Corolla (Which the edge did stream to us Arizonans) but then midday was Frosty, Heidi, and Frank, then a short segment w/ Danny Bonaduce, and then Leykius. I really like Corolla and FHF, and sometimes Bonaduce. It was what got me through my extremely boring days at work. And now they are no more.

CBS Radio took them off to start another top/pop 40 radio station. Ugh. Who needs any more of that shit, really?

So every ones last show was on Friday and I came to the depressing realization my life just got a little worse. I loved those shows. They were fun, but informative with current events and etc.

What will I do to ignore people that I don't want to talk to at work? I guess I could be one of those people that just sit at their desk with ear phones in and not really have anything on.

OK someone is going to being thinking - "Why doesn't she just listen to an mp3 player or another radio station?"
BECAUSE! Its not the same! I cant concentrate so well with music. And typically if i like a certain music it has some sort of emotional connection and then ill be totally distracted pondering the meanings of love and life, and maybe crying. So that's why.

So I am odd, and typically don't like music, unless it pulls on some emotion. So, sometimes I'll not want to be emotional (and that doesnt mean always crying - it was an exaggeration) and ill drive around with no sound on. --Yes, weird I know. Or it will be pop 40 music - that also allows me to not think. HA HA. But I cant listen to pop at work bc its like same 5 songs over and over and that drives me mad.
....So I just realized that i am sound very particular. Maybe i am.

Oh well. Anywho, what a sad day it was on Friday. And so to make things even more awkward for myself I did something totally thoughtless at work.

Wait - let me explain my work:

~I do accounting/Bookkeeping for about 11 different small companies for these rich asses that own them.

~My really good friend's husband (Friend= Beka, Her Husband = Eric) works there as the head accountant - Eric needed some help. I was doing accounting over at US Air...but wanted to go back to school and work less... so i moved over to be able to go back to school. I work 32 hrs a wk around my classes.

~So covering that - I thought it might have been weird to work with Beka's hubby (one of my best friends husband) but its not bad. We have our moments and then we get over them. I see them just about every weekend so Eric and I see each other sometimes seemingly constantly. I think we see more of each other then we see our spouses. But its all good.

~So anyways - Eric and I share our room with the office manager. She is this tiny little screwy crazy lady that has a high pitched cackle thats uber annoying. Also, she plays the 20 question game about your life, she's nosy, and also the owners pet. But being that we spend 8 hrs a days somtimes within a few feet of each other, conversations roll and sometimes things get comfortable. I like her most of the time - but she is def a spaz! And will throw you under the bus to the bosses in a heart beat - sometimes with you standing there. Luckily I was warned bf I had a personal exp. but ive seen it.

OK OK - so the gist is that i work with my best friends husband for these rich asses, who've hired crack lady to manage the office.

SO- Friday was a loooonnnggg day. My radio show was going buh-bye, I was worn out, frazzled by something stupid that happened at work, just plain worned out by the week of school and work, everything else in between. I guess I was feeling a little bitter about the job at the moment and 5 o'clock hit and I looked up and said:

"Well it's 5 O'clock, Fuck this place, fuck you guys, I'm going home." to JJ (crack lady) & Eric.

I immediatly wanted to cram the words back down my throat from which they came. But it was too late. I probably at this moment turned an even more pastier white then i am already.

JJ was quick on the draw. But she surprised me. She said: " Tell me how you really feel!"

I laughed and said "I was just kidding, i love yous" (eric and her) and tried to sweep it up with a laugh and a joke.

I am not sure if it worked. But my cheeks were burning on the car ride home - wondering if I had a job on monday.

Relief came when Beka called a few hours later. She and Eric wanted me to come over for some wine and beers. I couldnt join, I have to much to do this weekend, and everytime of go over there i get too fucked up and stay up till 430am which ruins my weekend productivity. But the invite was enough to ensure me all must be OK. OH and Eric apologized through Beka to me regarding some mix up at work. So obviously my heavy remarks did not faze him. TG!!!!

I really was astounded that those words came out of my mouth so easily. Like the runs when you are sick, and yet I got no relief afterwards like other does....

OK So i think that was pretty good for my first one back.

Wow, and thanks for making it down this far.

I am so not a good blogger...

Time just escapes me these days. I don't mean to let my blog go so unattended but it happens. I went to visit some other blogger pages today and some of my favs are gone, has it been that long? Nov 20something was only.... 3weeks ago.

Well anyways SCHOOL IS OUT!
Hopefully I passed all my classes. I could look online now but the thought gives me anxiety. Just want a few more days w/o knowing. I dont think I flunked all my classes but you never never know.

I had a 87% in my math class 2 weeks ago but then I slacked on one chapter and it screwed me for the next. So I hope that even if I bombed the last few tests that I will still pass.

My CIS class I had 74%, I hope I did OK on the final or at least end up w/ a 70% when all is said and done.

My SocPsych class I am sure that I am fine. That is the final I took today and I think I did well and had like c+ /B- so thats fine.

So that is all for me for now. Tonight is celebration that everything is OVER, for at least a month till I go back!

Thats all for me now.

It's Sat and I am on my lunch break

from work.

I took down the post bc I got annoyed with B and then I saw that and I just didnt want it to be the posted anymore.

Everything is fine w/ B though. We've been (except one thing) very good these past weeks. I just got off the phone w/ him. He's out having beers w/ the boys and I am going over there after I get off work. Makes me feel good that he doesnt change a whole lot when he is in front of the guys. He doesnt swear his love for me, but he seems happy that I called and its a warm fuzzy.

Last night I went out to Yasmins 80's party and had a blast. Also the night bf thanksgiving B, I & his buddy from Ill met up w/ Yaz and a bunch of cool peeps. Fun times. And no DUI for me bc I drank water like a good girl bf we left (being that its the biggest DUI night of the year here in AZ).

I am going to school to be a nurse and hope one day to graduate w/ my Masters to be a Nurse practioner = BIG BUCKS! But right now focused on getting my RN.

As far as world peace. Thats a tricky question bc I dont know all the stories of the countries that have conflict w/ other nations to make a final descion on that. I have a few ideas but you never never know. I think there is a lot that is not covered by the media. And I am sure that the conflicts that are there are so embedded and historic that it will be a huge process to unwond everything. I do wish that people would just be humane and coutreous though, that would be a start!

Well back to work guys and gals. Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving!

I have a new idea, ask me for advise or a question and I will respond.

I hope this is interesting and dont worry if I dont get right back to you bc I might be in class.

Look forward to what I get from this!

I'm a bad bad girl

And I am too scared to tell the world on my blog why that is....

So I guess we will just move away from that, but its been on my mind a bit.

So I have a lot of thoughts going through the ole noggin as usual. I will probably only scratch the surface in this here blog. As with everyone else I am still here trying to figure everything out. But then life is not meant to be figured out ya know?
It's always like... if I knew then, what I know now...
But you never know till you get through it.

Just got done reading Numb ~t's blog (she's linked if you want something to read besides this rubbish) and I read her post about her 'lovie' that is far away and her kinda letting that go. My heart went out to her and those times when you have a heavy chest and want to spring a tear bc what is gone is gone. We all have them. It's odd how we are so alike deep down in the root of things. It reminds me of things that are still tough for me to really think about. I have split personalities in that I can get really deep and philosophical and then I can just be cold and not give a shit. Or its in between.

I think it's good to get those things out to people that really care for you or whatever. But its always like even when you have a really uplifting conversation after you hang up the phone or go home those bad feelings come right back. Thats probably why I always curl up in a ball and dont go out when I am upset. But thats probably not the right way to do things. It's better to stay busy, but then you (or I) make time in the car or when no one is watching to stare off and dive into my own thoughts.

There is truly a thin line between love and hate.

And you usually find it easier to hate the people you love.

But anyways, school has been OK, work has been OK, family is good I guess, and friends are OK. I am thankful for the people I think that really do care for me. Wish I could shrink them and put them in my purse so that whenever I wanted I could bring them out to play :)

But anyways, no new exciting details to really go in to. As always everything seems so trivial and like nonsense to post about.

If Yasmin still reads these she really needs to update her BLOG! I always think to tell you but then I never think about it unless I am in front of the puter.

I most def need a vaca. I wish I wasnt a poor college student. Wish there was a fast forward button on life. Think I would fast foward maybe like 3 yrs. ahhh, ok I wish I had more to say.

Nighty nighty.
.....alone :(

I am alive!

And doing OK.

I am broke as a joke but hey, it could be worse. But I am poorer than I have been in YEARS. But at least I have a job. It will get better.

I got a new job and I think this place will do me better than the last restraunt did. I will actually make money! The last place I worked at was a complete joke and I am surprised that I stayed there as long as I did. The most I ever made was $50 a shift. This new place has a different pay scale since I do more then just serve so I make a higher hourly during parts of my shift and then still get tips.

School is going well. Almost done w/ this semester. Can you believe it?
I already enrolled in my classes for next semester, except one class. Havent decided yet... thinking an online class though.

Besides that, I havent had a whole lot of free time. Been hanging w/ Blake a good amount on my free time and then fam and friends.

Still trying to find my place or my nitch in life. Dont feel very placed in it right now but I am starting to think that is normal and that everyone is feeling like that too. Or at least the people I seem to be in contact with. Somtimes it can be a little straining bc I find that people like to talk to me a lot about what they are doing, how they are trying to find themselves, and where they are and who they are. It can be a little draining bc I am too trying to figure that out myself & my life so hearing it constantly is draining like I said. So I have been a little off in my own world. I think its almost time to resurface or something of that nature.

Also this has been the most recklace year of my life as far as being stable and having a job is concerned. So much has changed. Its nuts. But at the end of the day I am still pretty much myself and have the people that I think that really matter.

So with that I think that I will end this post. More bc I have to go pee and take my afternoon nap that I have been going with out for a bit.

:)

Gosh its been a long time

And I have no excuses except that blogging was just not a priority.

Just doing school and work.

School is kinda losing my interest and its sad bc I didnt want it to. But oh well. I'm sure I'll be fine.

Work has been slow and not making enough to make my bills. I'll be fine this month but I really need to figure something out quick bc I wont be next month.
:(

Besides that I guess I have been around. Been seeing B again and its funny that i am posting tonight bc its the first time in a while that we are at odds w/ each other. It sucks and I hate it.

I reall want to get out of town for a while. Go and experience something new. I hate Arizona and I really just dont want to be here anymore. But it sucks that I took out student loans and whatever, i feel stuck. If I moved out of state then I would have to pay out of state tution and that WAY expensive. And if I moved and didnt go to school then I would have to start paying off the loan I already took out. SHEESH. I guess its not that bad. But it sucks. I'm just burnt out on AZ. I just dont find the people all that interesting anymore. Tonight was an ugly reminder of how much I hate fighting with B and how much it can hurt. Its not that I dont want him, but at the same time I dont like having my heart out on the line for him to smash whether he means to or not. Bc its happens to me and of course everyone else.

Ahhh life used to be so much more simple. I miss that sooo much.

But family is good. Thats cool. Well except my sister isnt talking to any of us right now. Thats kinda of a bummers. But I dont think I did anything wrong.

Ahh, writing all this is bothering me so i am going to stop.

I have been in a funk the last 2 days and I just dont like who I am right now.

In Class at the moment

but I am promising to write later!

I need a new job too!

Hey hey hey, it's Saturday

I've been a little busy bee past week or so. Juggling school and work takes a lot of time. Barely even see my family. I get some down time during the day between school and work, but I usually do HW and then take a nap so that I am not dragging ass and bc I am lazy.

Last weekend was not much of one bc I worked a bunch. But, I went to the casino w/ B and we saw 'Showstoppers Live!'. To wrap up that fun outing we went, the performances were good. We drank too much. B decided in a drunken stupor that he was going to blurt out random shit at the stand up comedian. The stand up then started to crack jokes about us 'needing another' cocktail and how B was going to get an earful from me 'remember that one time at the casino' type shit. I thought it was funny, the rest of the audience thought so too. But it took it's toll on B, so after a few he stood up and announced our departure. On the way out we got an applaud and then security found us in the casino and helped us to the door.

Fun times.

Then the week started. I didn't feel up to par the next day (monday).

Went through the week.

Had lunch with Yasmin on fri. And then last night I went out with some guys from work. I got off went to go get beer, and then went to the bar that I worked at and our bartender got me wasted bf I even went out with my co-workers. Fun times being that wasted. So at about 1:30 I got taken back to my car by my ride and then drunk dialed Jeff and he is in town and went to his house. I made him take me to Taco Bell and then after I ate I felt much better. I have to go into work in a few and am hoping that I was not too wasted and made an ass out of myself.

I ended up in my own bed at about 4:30a where I passed out and didnt wake up till 12:45. I am soo happy that actually slept bc I remember waking up and seeing that it was 8:45a and I knew I was in no condition to move yet. I have a habbit now of waking up way too early and it doesnt work bc I stay up soo late bc of work and being so wound up.

Heh.

Tonight I am not sure what I am going to do after work. Maybe hang out w/ Jeff or another friend. It kinda sucks bc I only have one girlfriend and I wish I had more here in Az. The few friends I have are guys, not a bad thing, but it would be nice to have some girlies around. Guys are great and less drama, but having all guys to call is not always cool.

I had some tentative plans to hang out with B tomorrow, but I don't think that is going to happen. Oh well. We will see what happens. Oh and it's going to be halloween soon! My fav holiday! I am not sure if I am going to buy a new costume or just wear the one from last year. My one from last year was soo hot! oh baby! I cant believe that its almost been a year since last halloween. So crazy. Life does fly bye!

Well here we are - Monday :(

The weekend was not much of a weekend as I had to work. But hey, at least it's somewhat amusing and it makes the time go by.

First topic:

Tipping

It is quite amazing how people differ in this area.
I don't know if people realize that tips actually are suppose to make my car payment, pay my cell phone, insurance and etc.

Some people are just CHEAP asses. TIP FOR GOSH SAKES.

I have a few horror stories and it's frustrating.

This one weird hippy looking gal comes in alone. Doesn't want anything but a soda water and to watch the game. One table I know that I wont get anything for a tip and now all the other servers get another table bf I will again. Then eventually hippy wants to order some food. First subs her sides, then asks for an extra one. No prob, I make this happen for her. Then after she is munching she wants another extra side. No prob, but this one I had to charge her for bc my manager caught me ordering it. She decides she's done, she had racked up $25 worth of food/drinks. Give her the bill. She leaves. No tip. But she did leave a note saying that she couldn't believe that she was charged an extra $2 for sides and that was where my tip went. Nevermind that I was got everything right and provided good service. Nevermind I sub'd her side, even gave her an extra one. And that still was not good enough so that she asked for a 3rd one, and this one I had to charge her. 3 sub'd sides, charged once. Does anyone see this here?

FUCK!

Party of 5 come in. Big tables can be difficult bc the amount of food, and usually people alter their orders, keeping up on drinks, getting plates out of the way, and other table maintenance etc etc. Well they seemed really cool. I brought out a bottle of wine to show them that they didn't end up getting, rushed their drink orders in within a min so they would still get 'happy hour' specials, all food comes out beautifully, everyone is very nice and joking with me. Then dessert. The dreaded dessert that dumped my tip.

After all this, their big cookie w/ ice cream comes out hard. They eat almost all of it anyways and then complain. I tell management , no charge and we will make it again. The table seem OK with this. I had to even lie to my manager bc when he saw how much they ate he got mad. I told him the rest of the cookie dessert was on their plates still (even though they really just ate it). The asst. manager makes this one and didn't put extra ice cream on it like the cooks did with the first one. I tell him this and he says 'this is how it should be and its free' so basically too bad for them, 2 free cookies. Well on this almost $100 bill that these 5 people racked up, they made me split it up on 2 cards. The guy that was giving me the most 'tude about the cookies first being hard and then w/o as much ice cream tipped NOTHING! The other guy tipped $6. After all the bending backwards w/ the drinks, the food, the up keep and even the fucking $4 dessert that they got 2 of for free $6 fucking dollars? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I wanted to tell them to just fucking LEAVE and never ever come back. Fucking assholes. UNBELIEVABLE!

I had absolutely no control over these 2 situations and yet I get the shitty end of the stick?

I know when I am wrong. People were sat in a section that wasn't 'active' ie no one there to see them or serve. They sat there w/o help and finally after some complaints from them the host asks me I will take the table. I did, but these people are already upset and that just paves the way for a bumpy ride. Here was where I was wrong: as I was bending over to talk to them my long hair went into someone's ice tea. The hair and plus being already agitated I wasn't expecting much from these people bc they just weren't good sports about it. BUT what did I do? Gave them a fresh iced tea and then didn't charge them for any of them so all they had to pay for was the actual food. And somehow still got a 17% tip out of them.

I guess the moral of the story is don't take your grip w/ management out on the waitress. And also people can be SOOO CHEAP. Oh especially old people (not to make a generalization) from my experience so far. And they LOVE to yap. My time is money honey and the longer I am at your table, the longer someone else is waiting. So if you want to yap up, umm basically cough up. When I have time to talk, no prob, but keep in mind that there is probably something else I should be doing, but I am trying to provide 'excellent' service to you.

Well I was going to cover some other things, but now I am too tired. So maybe tomorrow!

Finally intrigued to write

It's been a bit.

I have had such an interesting night.

Life or something like it.

Tonight started off by going to a bar/lounge where a fellow blogger works and meeting her. She was cool & her bar was very interesting. I would like to go back on maybe on a less busier night or at least earlier to get a good seat. Yaz and I sat at the bar and had some shooters and cocktails. There was a a guy that was sitting next to me either really wasted or really weird. He kept on asking me what time it was, like in 1o-15 min increments. Then said that he had just came from Tuscon - randomly. Made no sense to me. Then he repeatedly apologized for bothering me. Finally after being annoyed with him I kinda waved him off, literally. A couple min later he leaned in and told me I 'would never know what it was like to lose someone' and then leaned into me and said it again, and then added I 'would never know what it would be like to lose someone till I lost a brother'. I got up and left. He was tall, thin, and had bushy/wavy long dark brown hair. Kinda of hippish. Very weird. But the bar was really cool. Love to go back and not get stuck w/ a random drunk.

So Yaz and I left. We then went to a bar in another city called Casey Moores where we met photographers and camera men from a local news channel here in Az. Thats was fairly interesting. They have a lot of information thats not highly known or reported by the news. And then they got wasted and one started going on and on about his life, about how he was going to be 30 soon and all he had concentrated on in life was his career and now he is missing parts of his life. I would try and converse back with him but he was too far gone into himself and what he was doing. I would say something to further the conversation and he would sort of nod and then go back into la la land. It was as if he didnt even hear me.

Typical drunk men so far. I am not sure what is worse, dumb drunk girls or dumb drunk men wallowing about the road of life, what was, and what they lack.

Yaz and I also met a Katrina victem that moved to Az. He left New Olreans, went to another suburb outside of there, then went to Atlanta to see his parents and then came to Az. He is currently living with a family he doesnt know and all he kept saying was that he felt homeless. Had nothing of his belonging bc they were all pretty much scattered w/ fam and friends across the US. He is a boy that has nothing and yet everything w/ a promising future. He has really done well for himself education wise. He is a lawyer with a lot of potential to do well for himself if he can get back on feet and get a job here.

I can't really imagine what it is like for him right now. To have a home that was ruined, friends and fam scattered and not a pot of his own to piss in. Very sad, however I do believe that he will do well for himself and go far if he has the will power to do so.

~~~

About me.

Tonight was interesting bc I saw so many different types of life. Life is so very much interesting.

I think I am having to finish this post later bc I am tired and well cnat write anymore.

But I will say I am not a good heart breaker. And its always so typical that the person that loves me in that special way i dont love back like that, and the person that i love in that special way probably loves me too, but is & 'its' too complicated to even really explain. I dont want anyone to have any expectations of me bc I have no idea what is going on with me. My life has really just done a 180 for the better. Everything has changed but a few things. New type of job, friends, lack of BF and most important school. I am still trying to sort out myself and my life. It's too hard to really put any effort into things that werent there before all this happened. Even things that were there bf that were semi important I just cant deal with right now. I can only handle a few things at a time. I feel a lot of pressure from a lot of different angles and its weird bc i feel like i cant organize it all so that it is clear. I have thrown in the towel on a few things like friendships and otherwise. I am also just busy and not busy all at the same time. Timing is everything. Everything is complicated, confusing and something else that I cant seem to put into words.

I really didnt want to sleep alone tonight and here I am going to bed alone and I think somehow its for the better. Just dont know how. I guess I wouldnt have written this post if things had worked out differently.

Random and probably hard to understand, but that is the best I can do for now. Good night.

I love my new job

It's really so much fun. And I think I might make more money than I orginally thought. I am out of training and on my own on fri!

I've been kind of busy. It's a little bit harder to post and what not when I constantly am either going to school, doing homework or working. My life has all of a sudden been kinda busy.