Rachael's Wonder World

2009-03-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

Hey! Hey!

So I have a week to be a normal person. This is very exciting!

Its spring break and I am soooo happy! I have homework to do, but not a LOT. but some. Enough to keep me busy but Ill have time to live a normal life for a few days.

So to catch up....

A couple of weeks ago I twisted off for a night over the weekend and visited Arcosanti < www.arcosanti.org/ >. Arcosanti is a really cool community in central Arizona. The architect that built is world famous and his ideas on building and life are inspiring. It was sooo cool. You must open the above link and at least take a peak. Its soo very unique.

Unfortunately however, there was an indie film doing some shooting there, and we got finagled into being extras which was horrifying. This group was from Texas and im not sure how amature they were... but they treated us (the extras) like ass and eventually me and fam walked off the set and went to grab some food. F them. All they did was waste our time and rudely boss us around. And by the way - this was not a paid. We agreed to do it for purely the experience which I have now realized that I dont need. I will never be an extra in a movie again. Its not fun. At all.

But Arcosanti is beautiful. It's located in Central Arizona, which is a beautiful place. The weather is perfect. The landscape is gorgeous. You can feel mother earth there. You feel a connectedness that i dont feel here in the city, and havent really felt in other places. It's close to Sedona, AZ and the Vortexes so maybe that why you feel Mother earth and her energies.

So anyways, I want to live there someday. Someday when I dont have to bust my ass to make a buck anymore. But.. thats a while away so i wont get carried away.

But its an amazing place. I used to want to leave Phoenix but the older I get the more in love i become with diverse state. And we have a freaking cool name: Phoenix, the sun bird.

So onward...

I have received word from Australia that my best friend is coming home for a visit. Yasmin left a he years ago after graduating college to move back to her home lands. She has been in Perth for a few years now, and has put off coming home for a visit and she (I think) has committed to a visit back to the good ole AZ. I am so excited. We need this. Hence my crazy post to her the MySpace :

"so wtf - did you book????? =D =D =D =D =D I'm so happy!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG - I cant wait for wine and cigarettes and TALK and more talk of these things and of course a few of my favorite party favors. Come on May! Be here soon! We NEED this. Its been years. NEED. NEED. NEED. its not a want - its a NEED. Do you understand this? im sure you do. your my freaking sister/part of my kin, family, tribe, my brotha from anotha motha but with a Va-J-J ha ha but whatever the F -- you know this, and me. This is important. This makes me happy. And if you break my heart on this ill have your ass!

WRITE ME BACK.

Confirm the good news.

Love you always."

Yasmin and I when we were 17.

This picture is getting close to being 10 years old.

Also since its spring break I have ordered a few good books from the good ole Amazon-dot-com. I have ordered some crazy sounding memoirs and a book called 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' about 2 middle eastern girls whos family sells them to a rich older man. Its a NY best seller is suppose to be a fantastic. So I am going to go start my read.

Ill post at ya laters.

I will try to refrain from drunk-erdly posting shit on your blog and mine.....

2009-03-02T08:44:00.000-08:00

OHG my spelling was terrible. I vaguely remeber a few comments being.... ugh... just weird.

My apologies!

anyways....

Hello Monday - I hate you!

Friday late night posting

2009-02-28T01:47:00.000-08:00

That I got through this week. I had a ton of papers to write. And they are done.

OMG - I feel so relieved!!!! I can just sit back and relax - at least I did for this evening till I have to hit the books again tomorrow....

and even possibley go in to work to take care of some client files... which will be on my time, ie not being paid.The whole situation is fucked on that one. It shouldnt be a big deal to pay me a few extra hours especially since I am part time - but whatever!

So other related news~

Two weeks ago @ work, an email went out to everyone from the owner. He in the subject line put "Financial Reality" and basically told everyone that he was going to have to cut everyones pay by 15%.

Ugh this sucked. I just started school, I left my full time job @ Us Airways and moved over to work w/ Eric (a friend @ work) 32hrs a week so I could start back on getting through college.

Moving over I was going to be paid a little bit more then I was @ US Airways, but for working less time. I told I would get health ins and they would be flexible.

I thought that this was just about one of the best things to happen to me lately. I would being working with a friend, get paid more hourly, work less, go to school, have health insurance, and work for a new company that may someday make it big, and that the few of us employees that started on this new endevour would be in really good positions....

But No. That is not how it worked.

First it turned out that Eric and I were these peoples slaves since we handle all the finanaces (even the personal accounts). The only big thing we dont do are the taxes (which I am thankful for bc there is some little shadiness....) The other employees fuck off for majority of the day and I am quite jealous that I can t even chck my emailw/o feeling weird.

So then my health insurance offer is no longer. I am on my own for that now (of course this news comes right after my 90 days is up and when its suppose to be offered to me.

Then my pay got cut by 15% and I am not sure how I am going to get through every month on the this new rate. And how the F am I suppose to afford health insurance alone especially now??

I don't think I can.

Anyways, So yesterday I discovered I have a cavity that I need to go to the Dentist for it and I am going to have to ask my Dad to borrow the money for this. This is soooooo not fun. I am embarressed bc I have always taken care of myself - but right now I I cant care for myself. Everything is all fucked up. I am not even sure if he will help me. I'd like to think he will - but I don't know for sure.

If he doesnt - Ill have to find someone who speaks spanish and head for the border and hope I dont get shot on my way over. The State is advising ppl to stay in the UZ/AZ bc theres been a lot of trouble around the AZ/Mexico border.

I might even have to get some sort of waitressing job on the weekends or something.

Times are really really tough. Fuck!!!~~~

And My eyes are involuntarily trying to close
goodnight

I got through another week of my life...

2009-02-26T22:52:00.000-08:00

I did, I did.
But, I am so tired, any minute my brain could just shut down, causing my eyes to roll back, my neck to go limp leaving my head hanging, slumped over in my chair over my computer. Oh seriously. I am so ready for the weekend.

For some reason I am feeling misplaced at the moment. Not sure why. Maybe its bc I saw my crazy family.

If I were to ever fill out a postcard for postsecret.com it would be this secret today:

At times somewhere deep inside, I have this slight nagging feeling to go home.
But I dont know where that is anymore.

~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

=(

2009-02-24T22:54:00.001-08:00

I need some more blogs to read - i just realized a few more of the blogs I enjoyed are no more. =(

This makes me sad.

COME BACK!

So there it is. Such is life. Cont'd

2009-02-24T21:28:00.000-08:00

OK so I was writing back Becky when I thought of something that I left out on my last blog...

I hate the way people judge when I disclose that I have anxiety coupled with depression.

I despise it!

I didn't ask to be this way. This is the way I came. Unfortunately so - but so it must be.

So I wanted to share with the blogger lands one encounter that I had with a person that made me fucking sick that they were sooooo misinformed/wrong about this disease/condition/whatever the F! you want to call it that I have to deal with.

Soo... where to start?..........

Last year, around this time actually, I got really sick. Bronchitis. Bad.

It started off as a cold, and then lead to bronchitis...

I went in to my Doctors office, got the good ole check up and was sent out there with antibiotics and whatever else.

Well it didn't go away. So back I went to my Doctors office... which by the way has the worst fucking waiting room I have ever ever ever been in.

You make an appointment and you can bet your ass you'll be sitting there for an extra hour. And everyone there is sick, weird looking, trashy, or just look STRANGE. Oh and the chairs are uncomfortable. And the best thing yet - the little bitches at the front desk are the rudest shit brains I have ever encountered in a "care providing" environment and they really don't give a shit if you were to foam at the mouth and drop dead.

So anyways, after this fantastical hour of complete discomfort you can see the great Doctor.

She sees me, and then she tells me I must have a viral infection and sends me packing with nothing.

OK so that's fair. There's a lot of research that Doc's over perscribe antibiotics and it only really hurts our own immunity and not the bad little bug that's making us sick.

So OK, cool whatever. I'll just go home and pop some percs and xanax (forgot to mention that too, my shrink Rx's me xanax) to get through the next few miserable days.

Well again, I never get better. I get better enough I can go to work -sort of. I go through a box a tissues like nothing, I feel like I need to take a nap every 4 hours(which I do on my desk), food doesn't seem good, my nose bleeds from time to time, my lungs hurt, I feel like I am going through menopause bc I am getting hot flashes and my body just aches!

So I go back. This is my third visit. I go through the entire waiting room debacle and finally see my Doc. She sees I am back again. But for some reason she cant "hear" my chest congestion, I'm on cold medicine so I can sort of breathe with out shooting nasty snot all over or with out sucking my nostrils shut, my cough is suppressed, and my throat isn't red and pussing, so according to her "I'm OK!" "Everything's Great!"

Ugh no. I paid to get in here, I waited to get in here, and this bitch is not going to slap me on the back and tell me "everything's fine!".

So I try to explain. No, everything is not fine.

She rebuttals....

But No i think!
So I try to reexplain, I'm sick! Words flew, descriptions were made. And finally tears flowed! I actually cried to get help after I realized nothing I said was making a difference.

Still no, she's not going to help me, and so she starts to rebuttal again...
But this time she says it must be that I am making myself sick with my anxiety and asks me if I am having a panic attack..

WAIT WHAT?
WTF???? A PANIC ATTACK?

Is she retarded? Is she this fucked in the head?

Now, I wasn't having one before this, and g*d damned I could have after that!
(but i didnt)

But really what the fuck is that??? A panic attack??? Seriously?

And it clicked. She read my file and I had disclosed to the nurse that came in first that I had a Rx to Lexapro from my shrink.
Fucking Fucking Fucking BITCH!

Needless to waste more time - I went home with no care at all, but accompanied by a totally bruised ego and enraged feelings towards her. I couldn't believe that a medical professional would treat a patient like that.

But guess what? I again I never got better. This is probably week 3 of this illness. So I go back to see that bitch, and this time I looked and sounded sick, I made sure of it. You know what I did? I didn't fucking take my cold medicine to cover up my symptoms and this time she magically heard the fucking mucus ball in my lungs. She heard the knocking rasp cough, and she could hear the snot piled up in my nose. Magically my low fever mattered!

And you want to know what I got this time?

HEAVY load of antibiotics, steroids, Rx strength cold medicine(s), inhaler AND hydromet cough syrup. Oh and in office breathing treatments.

Yup.

And YUP! Hydomet = liquid vicodin. Yum Yum, you can bet that life was shitty, but it was a lot less shitty with that.

But guess what? I didn't get better...

I went back two more times and was on a total of 3 rounds of antibiotics (some of which were 10 days Rx's) and 2 big daddy of bottles of hydromet before they put me on Tussion-X Total Suspension (sp?) which was an even heavier does of liquid hydrocodone/vicodin.

I was sick I think a for almost 3mos total. And that includes the few weeks I had to wait for them to treat me.

But to think that dumb bitch wouldn't care for me bc she stereotyped me (possibly two times) for being on anti anxiety medication?

That's wrong wrong wrong. And even more wrong that she was in the medical field. It was not like she was some ignorant hick - she was a Doctor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok so on to some randomness:

So my annotated biblio is like 9 pages long. My paper is suppose to be 6 - WTF?

And it may reach ten bc I half assed one of my entries. But I am beat - I cant do anymore thinking tonight, my brain needs a rest.

Good night.

So there it is. Such is life.

2009-02-22T19:57:00.000-08:00

So I would really like to know how the fuck do people get through college and not loose their minds? I am taking - 2 - two - dos - classes and I am worn out all the fucking time!!! The only thing is that I work 32 hours a week in accounting. But still some people out there I have known worked full time and went to school full time. WTF? HOW?? PLEASE TEACH ME!?!?

I am not a terrible student. But I spend a lot of time doing my math HW and studying the chapter so i know what I am doing.

I have to, me = math retard.

And ok so emotional stuff get ready....

I have to get through it this time. I really have too. I have to prove to myself and my parents + family I can do it.

AND

I need to be in a career/job/work place that I like enough that makes me think being alive for another 50 years is OK. Seriously. I know that sounds sincerely morbid but - its how I feel sometimes. And I think nursing will make me feel complete. Ill be helping people. And I think that will give me more reasons to WANT get out of bed in the mornings. I think it will inspire me. I think it will be good for me. Bc when you just about hate every reason why you have to get out of bed every morning - life just sort of sucks.

So I guess I'll go a head and touch on this now (since someone has to be thinking it)... since the last period that I was posting I found out that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I take a lil bit of Lexapro for this - and have been for a while. My dose was heavier and then I realized or felt I had lost my "edge" so I lowered my does. So now I feel more of my "edge" but now I am starting to want to go back to no "edge".

Anyway - depression runs in my family. But for a long time I thought I was exempt from this. No I was not. And I got a little double whammy with the anxiety.

Bitch moment:
*Let me clear this up for any dumb fucks out there that automatically thinks anxiety = panic attacks. NO. They do not.

Panic attacks about feel like a heart attack and you usually go the ER thinking you are having one. Or perhaps for the younger gen maybe a extremely real life like, or realistic acid trip. But fucking crazy at the same time.

My anxiety does not equal those. What it does equal is spine tingling, want to jump out of my skin, eerie feelings.

Perfect example (one I used w/ my Dr) - when I had, had too much coffee in the morning and was sitting in my car stuck in traffic for as far as I can see, the urge to jump out my window and leave my car there was very attractive. To just say FUCK IT and leave was sooo tempting. OR to ram the car in front of me or to drive down the freeways shoulder. Anything but to sit there any longer was fine. I literally wanted to jump out of skin. Anyways, this is more of the extreme (for me).

My light anxiety is shaky, worried, anxious, excited for no reason etc etc.

Or there is no anxiety. Or so little that I consider it none.

And so there is the depression. I don't identify with that as much... besides maybe wishing for changes that are not humanly possible. ha ha. But no, seriously - its something I wish I could be with out.

It sucks.

So there it is. Such is life.

So I must admit...

2009-02-22T10:57:00.000-08:00

I was so enthralled with my new/old blog that I stayed up late (instead of doing my HW) playing around with it. Geek with a Capital G!

Sometime on Monday:

"So Rachael what did you do this weekend?"

"Oh I told my friends I had too much homework to do & that I needed to stay home. But I ended up blowing it off anyways to play around on my blog."

Capital G.

Ok - so now I have 2 sections of math and 5 annotated Biblio's to do today. I love school.

Welcome Back

2009-02-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

Shiiiiitttttt! It's been years since I have been back here! WOWZA! What inspired me to come back? OK seriously a friend and her sisters blog - http://seipasaurus.blogspot.com/.

Its good shit. Read it!

So I ended up here on good ole blogger, and so I tried my user name/PW and it logged me in! I thought my boring bullshit was stuck in public view forever! (I think i tried to get in once before and it didnt let me). The thought of never being able to all that crap down really bothered me since I aired out so much shit back then. But now I have the access! So now I guess I'll just leave that old shit for 3 reasons:

A) Its interesting for me to go back and read it every once in a while.
B) It would take forever to unpublished all those posts, but still save them for myself.
C) I don't want my blog to look so dang empty. Even if i was a weirdo back then (still am) and wrote about dumb stuff (probably still will)...

OK - so lets catch up for min...

After I stopped posting on here a few things have happened:

Almost 3 years went by...
I moved in with Blake....
I went back to work full time @ US Airways and got to travel around a bit across the US/Mexico...
Left US Air to go back to school ~ MCC - yeah!!!!
I now work part time doing accounting for some rich assholes.
Still live with Blake (5 yrs we have been together)
And wow - i read back to those old posts and i would have never thought my life would have ended up this way. Life is good, don't get me wrong. But the path always changes up on you...

So anyways, now i am a fatter, older (25yr old), hopefully wiser Rachael.
Still my same old self. Perhaps just more comfortable in my skin. I don't know - but whatever.

So something really sad happened this week; 97.1 Free FM was taken off the air. 97.1 was a FM talk radio station in California that I listen to via the net. Mornings were Adam Corolla (Which the edge did stream to us Arizonans) but then midday was Frosty, Heidi, and Frank, then a short segment w/ Danny Bonaduce, and then Leykius. I really like Corolla and FHF, and sometimes Bonaduce. It was what got me through my extremely boring days at work. And now they are no more.

CBS Radio took them off to start another top/pop 40 radio station. Ugh. Who needs any more of that shit, really?

So every ones last show was on Friday and I came to the depressing realization my life just got a little worse. I loved those shows. They were fun, but informative with current events and etc.

What will I do to ignore people that I don't want to talk to at work? I guess I could be one of those people that just sit at their desk with ear phones in and not really have anything on.

OK someone is going to being thinking - "Why doesn't she just listen to an mp3 player or another radio station?"
BECAUSE! Its not the same! I cant concentrate so well with music. And typically if i like a certain music it has some sort of emotional connection and then ill be totally distracted pondering the meanings of love and life, and maybe crying. So that's why.

So I am odd, and typically don't like music, unless it pulls on some emotion. So, sometimes I'll not want to be emotional (and that doesnt mean always crying - it was an exaggeration) and ill drive around with no sound on. --Yes, weird I know. Or it will be pop 40 music - that also allows me to not think. HA HA. But I cant listen to pop at work bc its like same 5 songs over and over and that drives me mad.
....So I just realized that i am sound very particular. Maybe i am.

Oh well. Anywho, what a sad day it was on Friday. And so to make things even more awkward for myself I did something totally thoughtless at work.

Wait - let me explain my work:

~I do accounting/Bookkeeping for about 11 different small companies for these rich asses that own them.

~My really good friend's husband (Friend= Beka, Her Husband = Eric) works there as the head accountant - Eric needed some help. I was doing accounting over at US Air...but wanted to go back to school and work less... so i moved over to be able to go back to school. I work 32 hrs a wk around my classes.

~So covering that - I thought it might have been weird to work with Beka's hubby (one of my best friends husband) but its not bad. We have our moments and then we get over them. I see them just about every weekend so Eric and I see each other sometimes seemingly constantly. I think we see more of each other then we see our spouses. But its all good.

~So anyways - Eric and I share our room with the office manager. She is this tiny little screwy crazy lady that has a high pitched cackle thats uber annoying. Also, she plays the 20 question game about your life, she's nosy, and also the owners pet. But being that we spend 8 hrs a days somtimes within a few feet of each other, conversations roll and sometimes things get comfortable. I like her most of the time - but she is def a spaz! And will throw you under the bus to the bosses in a heart beat - sometimes with you standing there. Luckily I was warned bf I had a personal exp. but ive seen it.

OK OK - so the gist is that i work with my best friends husband for these rich asses, who've hired crack lady to manage the office.

SO- Friday was a loooonnnggg day. My radio show was going buh-bye, I was worn out, frazzled by something stupid that happened at work, just plain worned out by the week of school and work, everything else in between. I guess I was feeling a little bitter about the job at the moment and 5 o'clock hit and I looked up and said:

"Well it's 5 O'clock, Fuck this place, fuck you guys, I'm going home." to JJ (crack lady) & Eric.

I immediatly wanted to cram the words back down my throat from which they came. But it was too late. I probably at this moment turned an even more pastier white then i am already.

JJ was quick on the draw. But she surprised me. She said: " Tell me how you really feel!"

I laughed and said "I was just kidding, i love yous" (eric and her) and tried to sweep it up with a laugh and a joke.

I am not sure if it worked. But my cheeks were burning on the car ride home - wondering if I had a job on monday.

Relief came when Beka called a few hours later. She and Eric wanted me to come over for some wine and beers. I couldnt join, I have to much to do this weekend, and everytime of go over there i get too fucked up and stay up till 430am which ruins my weekend productivity. But the invite was enough to ensure me all must be OK. OH and Eric apologized through Beka to me regarding some mix up at work. So obviously my heavy remarks did not faze him. TG!!!!

I really was astounded that those words came out of my mouth so easily. Like the runs when you are sick, and yet I got no relief afterwards like other does....

OK So i think that was pretty good for my first one back.

Wow, and thanks for making it down this far.

I am so not a good blogger...

2005-12-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

Time just escapes me these days. I don't mean to let my blog go so unattended but it happens. I went to visit some other blogger pages today and some of my favs are gone, has it been that long? Nov 20something was only.... 3weeks ago.

Well anyways SCHOOL IS OUT!
Hopefully I passed all my classes. I could look online now but the thought gives me anxiety. Just want a few more days w/o knowing. I dont think I flunked all my classes but you never never know.

I had a 87% in my math class 2 weeks ago but then I slacked on one chapter and it screwed me for the next. So I hope that even if I bombed the last few tests that I will still pass.

My CIS class I had 74%, I hope I did OK on the final or at least end up w/ a 70% when all is said and done.

My SocPsych class I am sure that I am fine. That is the final I took today and I think I did well and had like c+ /B- so thats fine.

So that is all for me for now. Tonight is celebration that everything is OVER, for at least a month till I go back!

Thats all for me now.

It's Sat and I am on my lunch break

2005-11-26T15:16:00.000-08:00

from work.

I took down the post bc I got annoyed with B and then I saw that and I just didnt want it to be the posted anymore.

Everything is fine w/ B though. We've been (except one thing) very good these past weeks. I just got off the phone w/ him. He's out having beers w/ the boys and I am going over there after I get off work. Makes me feel good that he doesnt change a whole lot when he is in front of the guys. He doesnt swear his love for me, but he seems happy that I called and its a warm fuzzy.

Last night I went out to Yasmins 80's party and had a blast. Also the night bf thanksgiving B, I & his buddy from Ill met up w/ Yaz and a bunch of cool peeps. Fun times. And no DUI for me bc I drank water like a good girl bf we left (being that its the biggest DUI night of the year here in AZ).

I am going to school to be a nurse and hope one day to graduate w/ my Masters to be a Nurse practioner = BIG BUCKS! But right now focused on getting my RN.

As far as world peace. Thats a tricky question bc I dont know all the stories of the countries that have conflict w/ other nations to make a final descion on that. I have a few ideas but you never never know. I think there is a lot that is not covered by the media. And I am sure that the conflicts that are there are so embedded and historic that it will be a huge process to unwond everything. I do wish that people would just be humane and coutreous though, that would be a start!

Well back to work guys and gals. Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving!

I have a new idea, ask me for advise or a question and I will respond.

2005-11-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

I hope this is interesting and dont worry if I dont get right back to you bc I might be in class.

Look forward to what I get from this!

I'm a bad bad girl

2005-11-10T21:44:00.000-08:00

And I am too scared to tell the world on my blog why that is....

So I guess we will just move away from that, but its been on my mind a bit.

So I have a lot of thoughts going through the ole noggin as usual. I will probably only scratch the surface in this here blog. As with everyone else I am still here trying to figure everything out. But then life is not meant to be figured out ya know?
It's always like... if I knew then, what I know now...
But you never know till you get through it.

Just got done reading Numb ~t's blog (she's linked if you want something to read besides this rubbish) and I read her post about her 'lovie' that is far away and her kinda letting that go. My heart went out to her and those times when you have a heavy chest and want to spring a tear bc what is gone is gone. We all have them. It's odd how we are so alike deep down in the root of things. It reminds me of things that are still tough for me to really think about. I have split personalities in that I can get really deep and philosophical and then I can just be cold and not give a shit. Or its in between.

I think it's good to get those things out to people that really care for you or whatever. But its always like even when you have a really uplifting conversation after you hang up the phone or go home those bad feelings come right back. Thats probably why I always curl up in a ball and dont go out when I am upset. But thats probably not the right way to do things. It's better to stay busy, but then you (or I) make time in the car or when no one is watching to stare off and dive into my own thoughts.

There is truly a thin line between love and hate.

And you usually find it easier to hate the people you love.

But anyways, school has been OK, work has been OK, family is good I guess, and friends are OK. I am thankful for the people I think that really do care for me. Wish I could shrink them and put them in my purse so that whenever I wanted I could bring them out to play :)

But anyways, no new exciting details to really go in to. As always everything seems so trivial and like nonsense to post about.

If Yasmin still reads these she really needs to update her BLOG! I always think to tell you but then I never think about it unless I am in front of the puter.

I most def need a vaca. I wish I wasnt a poor college student. Wish there was a fast forward button on life. Think I would fast foward maybe like 3 yrs. ahhh, ok I wish I had more to say.

Nighty nighty.
.....alone :(

I am alive!

2005-10-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

And doing OK.

I am broke as a joke but hey, it could be worse. But I am poorer than I have been in YEARS. But at least I have a job. It will get better.

I got a new job and I think this place will do me better than the last restraunt did. I will actually make money! The last place I worked at was a complete joke and I am surprised that I stayed there as long as I did. The most I ever made was $50 a shift. This new place has a different pay scale since I do more then just serve so I make a higher hourly during parts of my shift and then still get tips.

School is going well. Almost done w/ this semester. Can you believe it?
I already enrolled in my classes for next semester, except one class. Havent decided yet... thinking an online class though.

Besides that, I havent had a whole lot of free time. Been hanging w/ Blake a good amount on my free time and then fam and friends.

Still trying to find my place or my nitch in life. Dont feel very placed in it right now but I am starting to think that is normal and that everyone is feeling like that too. Or at least the people I seem to be in contact with. Somtimes it can be a little straining bc I find that people like to talk to me a lot about what they are doing, how they are trying to find themselves, and where they are and who they are. It can be a little draining bc I am too trying to figure that out myself & my life so hearing it constantly is draining like I said. So I have been a little off in my own world. I think its almost time to resurface or something of that nature.

Also this has been the most recklace year of my life as far as being stable and having a job is concerned. So much has changed. Its nuts. But at the end of the day I am still pretty much myself and have the people that I think that really matter.

So with that I think that I will end this post. More bc I have to go pee and take my afternoon nap that I have been going with out for a bit.

:)

Gosh its been a long time

2005-10-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

And I have no excuses except that blogging was just not a priority.

Just doing school and work.

School is kinda losing my interest and its sad bc I didnt want it to. But oh well. I'm sure I'll be fine.

Work has been slow and not making enough to make my bills. I'll be fine this month but I really need to figure something out quick bc I wont be next month.
:(

Besides that I guess I have been around. Been seeing B again and its funny that i am posting tonight bc its the first time in a while that we are at odds w/ each other. It sucks and I hate it.

I reall want to get out of town for a while. Go and experience something new. I hate Arizona and I really just dont want to be here anymore. But it sucks that I took out student loans and whatever, i feel stuck. If I moved out of state then I would have to pay out of state tution and that WAY expensive. And if I moved and didnt go to school then I would have to start paying off the loan I already took out. SHEESH. I guess its not that bad. But it sucks. I'm just burnt out on AZ. I just dont find the people all that interesting anymore. Tonight was an ugly reminder of how much I hate fighting with B and how much it can hurt. Its not that I dont want him, but at the same time I dont like having my heart out on the line for him to smash whether he means to or not. Bc its happens to me and of course everyone else.

Ahhh life used to be so much more simple. I miss that sooo much.

But family is good. Thats cool. Well except my sister isnt talking to any of us right now. Thats kinda of a bummers. But I dont think I did anything wrong.

Ahh, writing all this is bothering me so i am going to stop.

I have been in a funk the last 2 days and I just dont like who I am right now.

In Class at the moment

2005-10-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

but I am promising to write later!

I need a new job too!

Hey hey hey, it's Saturday

2005-10-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've been a little busy bee past week or so. Juggling school and work takes a lot of time. Barely even see my family. I get some down time during the day between school and work, but I usually do HW and then take a nap so that I am not dragging ass and bc I am lazy.

Last weekend was not much of one bc I worked a bunch. But, I went to the casino w/ B and we saw 'Showstoppers Live!'. To wrap up that fun outing we went, the performances were good. We drank too much. B decided in a drunken stupor that he was going to blurt out random shit at the stand up comedian. The stand up then started to crack jokes about us 'needing another' cocktail and how B was going to get an earful from me 'remember that one time at the casino' type shit. I thought it was funny, the rest of the audience thought so too. But it took it's toll on B, so after a few he stood up and announced our departure. On the way out we got an applaud and then security found us in the casino and helped us to the door.

Fun times.

Then the week started. I didn't feel up to par the next day (monday).

Went through the week.

Had lunch with Yasmin on fri. And then last night I went out with some guys from work. I got off went to go get beer, and then went to the bar that I worked at and our bartender got me wasted bf I even went out with my co-workers. Fun times being that wasted. So at about 1:30 I got taken back to my car by my ride and then drunk dialed Jeff and he is in town and went to his house. I made him take me to Taco Bell and then after I ate I felt much better. I have to go into work in a few and am hoping that I was not too wasted and made an ass out of myself.

I ended up in my own bed at about 4:30a where I passed out and didnt wake up till 12:45. I am soo happy that actually slept bc I remember waking up and seeing that it was 8:45a and I knew I was in no condition to move yet. I have a habbit now of waking up way too early and it doesnt work bc I stay up soo late bc of work and being so wound up.

Heh.

Tonight I am not sure what I am going to do after work. Maybe hang out w/ Jeff or another friend. It kinda sucks bc I only have one girlfriend and I wish I had more here in Az. The few friends I have are guys, not a bad thing, but it would be nice to have some girlies around. Guys are great and less drama, but having all guys to call is not always cool.

I had some tentative plans to hang out with B tomorrow, but I don't think that is going to happen. Oh well. We will see what happens. Oh and it's going to be halloween soon! My fav holiday! I am not sure if I am going to buy a new costume or just wear the one from last year. My one from last year was soo hot! oh baby! I cant believe that its almost been a year since last halloween. So crazy. Life does fly bye!

2005-09-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

Well here we are - Monday :(

The weekend was not much of a weekend as I had to work. But hey, at least it's somewhat amusing and it makes the time go by.

First topic:

Tipping

It is quite amazing how people differ in this area.
I don't know if people realize that tips actually are suppose to make my car payment, pay my cell phone, insurance and etc.

Some people are just CHEAP asses. TIP FOR GOSH SAKES.

I have a few horror stories and it's frustrating.

This one weird hippy looking gal comes in alone. Doesn't want anything but a soda water and to watch the game. One table I know that I wont get anything for a tip and now all the other servers get another table bf I will again. Then eventually hippy wants to order some food. First subs her sides, then asks for an extra one. No prob, I make this happen for her. Then after she is munching she wants another extra side. No prob, but this one I had to charge her for bc my manager caught me ordering it. She decides she's done, she had racked up $25 worth of food/drinks. Give her the bill. She leaves. No tip. But she did leave a note saying that she couldn't believe that she was charged an extra $2 for sides and that was where my tip went. Nevermind that I was got everything right and provided good service. Nevermind I sub'd her side, even gave her an extra one. And that still was not good enough so that she asked for a 3rd one, and this one I had to charge her. 3 sub'd sides, charged once. Does anyone see this here?

FUCK!

Party of 5 come in. Big tables can be difficult bc the amount of food, and usually people alter their orders, keeping up on drinks, getting plates out of the way, and other table maintenance etc etc. Well they seemed really cool. I brought out a bottle of wine to show them that they didn't end up getting, rushed their drink orders in within a min so they would still get 'happy hour' specials, all food comes out beautifully, everyone is very nice and joking with me. Then dessert. The dreaded dessert that dumped my tip.

After all this, their big cookie w/ ice cream comes out hard. They eat almost all of it anyways and then complain. I tell management , no charge and we will make it again. The table seem OK with this. I had to even lie to my manager bc when he saw how much they ate he got mad. I told him the rest of the cookie dessert was on their plates still (even though they really just ate it). The asst. manager makes this one and didn't put extra ice cream on it like the cooks did with the first one. I tell him this and he says 'this is how it should be and its free' so basically too bad for them, 2 free cookies. Well on this almost $100 bill that these 5 people racked up, they made me split it up on 2 cards. The guy that was giving me the most 'tude about the cookies first being hard and then w/o as much ice cream tipped NOTHING! The other guy tipped $6. After all the bending backwards w/ the drinks, the food, the up keep and even the fucking $4 dessert that they got 2 of for free $6 fucking dollars? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I wanted to tell them to just fucking LEAVE and never ever come back. Fucking assholes. UNBELIEVABLE!

I had absolutely no control over these 2 situations and yet I get the shitty end of the stick?

I know when I am wrong. People were sat in a section that wasn't 'active' ie no one there to see them or serve. They sat there w/o help and finally after some complaints from them the host asks me I will take the table. I did, but these people are already upset and that just paves the way for a bumpy ride. Here was where I was wrong: as I was bending over to talk to them my long hair went into someone's ice tea. The hair and plus being already agitated I wasn't expecting much from these people bc they just weren't good sports about it. BUT what did I do? Gave them a fresh iced tea and then didn't charge them for any of them so all they had to pay for was the actual food. And somehow still got a 17% tip out of them.

I guess the moral of the story is don't take your grip w/ management out on the waitress. And also people can be SOOO CHEAP. Oh especially old people (not to make a generalization) from my experience so far. And they LOVE to yap. My time is money honey and the longer I am at your table, the longer someone else is waiting. So if you want to yap up, umm basically cough up. When I have time to talk, no prob, but keep in mind that there is probably something else I should be doing, but I am trying to provide 'excellent' service to you.

Well I was going to cover some other things, but now I am too tired. So maybe tomorrow!

Finally intrigued to write

2005-09-18T02:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a bit.

I have had such an interesting night.

Life or something like it.

Tonight started off by going to a bar/lounge where a fellow blogger works and meeting her. She was cool & her bar was very interesting. I would like to go back on maybe on a less busier night or at least earlier to get a good seat. Yaz and I sat at the bar and had some shooters and cocktails. There was a a guy that was sitting next to me either really wasted or really weird. He kept on asking me what time it was, like in 1o-15 min increments. Then said that he had just came from Tuscon - randomly. Made no sense to me. Then he repeatedly apologized for bothering me. Finally after being annoyed with him I kinda waved him off, literally. A couple min later he leaned in and told me I 'would never know what it was like to lose someone' and then leaned into me and said it again, and then added I 'would never know what it would be like to lose someone till I lost a brother'. I got up and left. He was tall, thin, and had bushy/wavy long dark brown hair. Kinda of hippish. Very weird. But the bar was really cool. Love to go back and not get stuck w/ a random drunk.

So Yaz and I left. We then went to a bar in another city called Casey Moores where we met photographers and camera men from a local news channel here in Az. Thats was fairly interesting. They have a lot of information thats not highly known or reported by the news. And then they got wasted and one started going on and on about his life, about how he was going to be 30 soon and all he had concentrated on in life was his career and now he is missing parts of his life. I would try and converse back with him but he was too far gone into himself and what he was doing. I would say something to further the conversation and he would sort of nod and then go back into la la land. It was as if he didnt even hear me.

Typical drunk men so far. I am not sure what is worse, dumb drunk girls or dumb drunk men wallowing about the road of life, what was, and what they lack.

Yaz and I also met a Katrina victem that moved to Az. He left New Olreans, went to another suburb outside of there, then went to Atlanta to see his parents and then came to Az. He is currently living with a family he doesnt know and all he kept saying was that he felt homeless. Had nothing of his belonging bc they were all pretty much scattered w/ fam and friends across the US. He is a boy that has nothing and yet everything w/ a promising future. He has really done well for himself education wise. He is a lawyer with a lot of potential to do well for himself if he can get back on feet and get a job here.

I can't really imagine what it is like for him right now. To have a home that was ruined, friends and fam scattered and not a pot of his own to piss in. Very sad, however I do believe that he will do well for himself and go far if he has the will power to do so.

~~~

About me.

Tonight was interesting bc I saw so many different types of life. Life is so very much interesting.

I think I am having to finish this post later bc I am tired and well cnat write anymore.

But I will say I am not a good heart breaker. And its always so typical that the person that loves me in that special way i dont love back like that, and the person that i love in that special way probably loves me too, but is & 'its' too complicated to even really explain. I dont want anyone to have any expectations of me bc I have no idea what is going on with me. My life has really just done a 180 for the better. Everything has changed but a few things. New type of job, friends, lack of BF and most important school. I am still trying to sort out myself and my life. It's too hard to really put any effort into things that werent there before all this happened. Even things that were there bf that were semi important I just cant deal with right now. I can only handle a few things at a time. I feel a lot of pressure from a lot of different angles and its weird bc i feel like i cant organize it all so that it is clear. I have thrown in the towel on a few things like friendships and otherwise. I am also just busy and not busy all at the same time. Timing is everything. Everything is complicated, confusing and something else that I cant seem to put into words.

I really didnt want to sleep alone tonight and here I am going to bed alone and I think somehow its for the better. Just dont know how. I guess I wouldnt have written this post if things had worked out differently.

Random and probably hard to understand, but that is the best I can do for now. Good night.

I love my new job

2005-09-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

It's really so much fun. And I think I might make more money than I orginally thought. I am out of training and on my own on fri!

I've been kind of busy. It's a little bit harder to post and what not when I constantly am either going to school, doing homework or working. My life has all of a sudden been kinda busy.

To my blogger friends

2005-09-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

My apologies for my lack of 'real' posts and comments on yours.

This blog was a place to record cool events, rant/rave, unload, and mostly talk about my feelings. However, I just havent had much to say lately. Don't have much going on in the ole' noggin. Actually there is a little but I don't want to really think about my 'feelings' and whats been going on bc a break up is hard and I don't want to go digging shit up. Maybe that's not a good way to approach it but right now that's what I have been doing. And since I have not really put forth an effort I havent really read everyones blog to comment. I'll visit and scan the entries, then leave.

This week has been kinda nice. I still hurt but I've known Blake is out of town and so there isnt much I can do. I know he can't call me, I can't call him and so it makes it kinda easier. I don't know how that makes sense. But when he went on vaca our little situation kind of went on vaca bc he's just not here. I think he gets back today. Yesterday I was kind of anxious about that. Today, I just woke up so how I feel hasn't really unfolded. I was pretty wound up yesterday though, so bad that I couldnt sleep. It took me forever to finally doze. I have no idea what he will do, if anything. I don't know what I should do if anything. I am kinda leaning towards not do anything.

The good thing is that I have been pretty much busy this week. After I start working on Saturday I'll be even more busy. So that is the good thing. I really want that peaceful thought back though, that he's not here. So I cant really obsess about it. Part of me thinks that this is it, and I won't hear much from him, but then the other part thinks that he won't let me go. So I'm nervous.

So that's about it.

Oh yesterday I went shopping yesterday and I bought a couple of pairs of jeans and I am in love with them. And I got this super hot shirt. I look awesome in it. Everything fits well and is complimentry. I'm not fat, not even chubby really, but I have some curves & the twins are of nice size, so plus that and being short finding clothes that I think I look good in are far and few between. So yay. I got an 'eat your heart out Blake' outfit.

I GOT A JOB!

2005-09-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

I am now a server. I will be serving people just like yourself food at a very nice Sports Bar & Grill. I am very excited to get in the groove this new job. Getting to know the job will be the hardest part being that I never served before in my life. But I am eager to learn and make some GOOD cash. It's cool bc this place just opened and so the customer base isnt booming as of yet so I will learn my magic at less frantic state. As the restraunt builds customers I would had time to learn my server skills.

I am very happy! I start Saturday morning serving breakfast to fans of college football.

Back-ass-wards

2005-09-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

OK, so I think I am may have been a little overly prepared for class....

Since the holiday I kinda mixed up my start times for my classes.

I think I am late and rush to my math class. I think to myself I am only 3min late, no biggie.

Well I walk in and the teacher is standing there already going over material on the board.

I scan the room and my normal spot is open. But I notice that the class looks different. I look around for my math buddies and none of them are there, or any other people from my class. I look at the board and the stuff that the teacher is covering is nothing that I did over the weekend. I take a peek at my schedule that is in my back pack and OH gosh, my class started at 10:30, not at 10 like I thought! One of my classes tomorrow start at 10! I got the class times confused and walked into a different math class!

So now I am in the computer lab trying to kill some time before my class really starts! Which is in 8 minutes.

That has been my day so far. I am also going to try and find a job.

So there it is. My embarresing moment # 994,638,789.

2005-09-03T19:19:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went to the lake (fri) and had a blast. It was just 3 of us that went but it was so much fun! One of the guys has a speed boat. I was the only girl but thats OK. I'm cool like that. We tied up the tube and had the boat pulling us on it. It was so much fun! The driver went really really really fast! I fell off 2x. The first time was fun, the 2nd time I fell off really awkwardly and face planted & body slapped the water. My chin kinda hurts today, along with my arms for trying to hold on for dear life. But it was good times overall!

Yesterday (fri) was also B's b-day. I didnt call him bc I am trying to prove to myself and (I wont lie) to him that I don't need him anymore. He couldnt make time to come get his b-day things from me. Said he was too busy getting ready to leave for his vaca to make the drive and squeeze me in. It really pissed me off. It was basically the last straw. I left him a message about that that I was mad & whatever and also that I was going to throw it away. I didn't though... I had a card and since I already sent back his real present I drew some pictures for him. (like to draw and paint) They took a while and are OK. I'll just keep them and add them to the 'blake box'.

I feel kinda bad that I didnt call, but then I don't. He didnt call me either and left today (sat) w/o a call too. I think it's a big deal that I didnt call 4 his b-day, but then again it may not be to a guy. If the table was turned I would be hurt if I were him. But that's probably the difference between guys and girls.

I don't remember when he is coming home. I he told me a while ago and I just havent asked again bc I dont want to know. Mostly bc I dont want to be like 'he's home now, why hasnt he called me!?!' Or thinking about him the day he gets home or whatever. I'll get the 'hint' after next weekend bc I know his vaca wasnt going to go over 7days. But whatever, I am weird. I don't think he will call. And if he did I have no idea what I would do or want from it. If anything. I have a week to myself knowing he is gone. It's like the best way to break up. One of the two people just leaves and cant be called, texted or e-mailed. There's no point bc they arent going to get it bc they are gone.

Breaking up is hard. Which brings me to this. Usually people don't just 'break up' and all is over. It's more of a wrap up. Breaking up doesnt really become 'official' untill some time has passed. Break ups are never just clean cuts offs that people totally stop talking. Maybe they should be. But it doesnt happen often from my experience. However though, B and I may have had an actual break up and wont talk again. Ya never never know.

I wonder what guys think when they think of recent ex gf's (if any guys want to tell me I'll be all ears). I know what I think about... good memories, bad memories, why he is wrong and an asshole, why I'll miss him, his dogs, how he will be with out me, what type of girl might end up with next, what he's doing, what he's thinking him, sex... which I shouldnt be bc thinking about that might keep me hanging. But I think about sex w/ him more than I would think girls normally would. But I do so that's me.

I'm sure everything will be fine though. Just going through the motions.

Besides that all is well. I havent really looked for a job yet. Been trying to enjoy life a bit. I will next week though. I cant live for very long w/o a job. Work sucks.

OKie dokie thats it for now.

Becky's Survey

2005-09-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

1. First and middle name?
Rachael Wynne, pronounced like Lynne but with a W instead.

2. Were you named after anyone?
My Sis picked out my name bc there was a little girl that got lost and then found and story was on the news. She just heard it and liked it. My parents and her all picked out a name or two and put them in a hat and out came Rachael.

3. Do you wish on stars?
Yes, sometimes.

4. When did you last cry?
Friday, I was stressed and everwhelmed.

5. Do you like your handwriting?
Sometimes, it kinda looks like the writing on the County Crows CD 'August and everything' after.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Turkey! Peppered Turkey to be exact.

7. What is your birth date?
Dec, 23, 1983

8. What is your most embarrassing CD?
I've been thinking about this and I dont know.... I dont really have one.

9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
Fuck yeah! I rock! I can be direct but very loyal & understanding person.

10. Do you have a journal?
Yes, although I dont write in it much bc of this thing. Currently some of the pages are in the "blake box'.

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
I do, but I wouldnt say a lot.

12. What are your nicknames?
Rach -general/blake
Sugar lump - from mom
pooh girl - from mom

13. Would you bungee jump?
YES!

14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
I always always were chunky flops. I may wear real shoes like 2x a year. Gotta love AZ!

15. Do you think that you are strong?
Yep!

16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Vanilla

17. Shoe Size?
7

18. Red or pink?
RED

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
I wish my little belly was a bit littler

20. Who do you miss most?
That shit head

21. Do you want everyone that reads this to do the same?
Dont care

22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
barefoot and blue cotton shorts for lounging

23. What are you listening to right now?
the fan thats going

24. Last thing you ate?
ummm noodles in a cup

25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
red

26. What is the weather like right now?
actually stormy

27. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Jeff

28. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Whether they are attractive or not
I'm shallow...

29. Do you like the person that you got this off of?
<3 becky

30. Favorite Drink?
Iced Tea

31. FAVORITE SPORT?
baseball

32. Hair Color?
dark red w/ thick blonde streaks

33. Eye Color?
green

34. Height?
5'1''
but with shoes on like 5'5''

35. Do you wear contacts?
yeah, I have bad eyes, not colored

36. Favorite Food?
home made atir fry, pizza, feta cheese, & italian food

37. Last Movie You Watched?
I think Sin City

38. Favorite Day Of The Year?
Of course my b-day!

39. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings?
I dont know... happy endings, but I to REALLY realize they are usually fake over done hollywood BS

40. Summer Or Winter?
Winter, but i do like to be able to swim...

41. Hugs OR Kisses?
Kisses, but cant have a good kiss w/o an warm hug

42. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?
Fizuki -sp?, it's half baked warm (right of the oven) cookie dough with a scoop of ice cream!

43. Who Is Most Likely To Do This to?
huh?

44. Who Is Least Likely To Do It?
I dont know...mojo

45. Living Arrangements?
With the fam-damily

46. What Books Are You Reading?
None, just finished 'In Her Shoes'

47. What's On Your Mouse Pad?
Dont have one

48. What Did You Watch Last Night?
news

49. Favorite Smells?
vanilla and my DG perfume

50. Favorite Sounds?
music, my mom, dad, and everyone elses voice that I love

51. Where Did You Meet Your Other Half?
Don't have one

Just my luck

2005-09-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, Rachael here. (as it is always)

OK for an update of my L.I.F.E.

So I went to work monday, all was well.
Went to work on Tuesday and all was not well.
I got laid off, let go, termed whatever. :(

They told me that they just didnt have enough stuff for me to do, & that it didnt make sense from a business stand point to keep me there. So they were emliminating the position all together. Which was true all I did was sit around and do random stuff, and the mail/fundings. But mostly just sat around.

But the thing that I am questioning is that on monday it was said that the big guy's - wife's camera and corporate folder (that had tax ids and other shit in it) went missing. I hope they didnt 'let me go' bc they thought I stole it. I didn't even think to say anything about it till after I was home. I surely would not steal someones camera and work folder.

So once again I am on the great job hunt. It sucks. But this time, I am not going to try and find another admin job. I talked w/ my Gram and she is going to let me use her as a reference and say that I worked at her bar. Which I didnt, but they dont have to know that. I am going to be a cocktail waitress. YAY. I'll probably make some $$, but it wasnt ideally what I wanted.

B and I are over too. I gave the no go and we are done. He said he was sorry and blah blah & that it was hard to 'let go'. I am upset about it. So I am going to stop here about that topic.

So I am off on another wild adventure to find another job and maybe after some time is gone by I will date again.

I might sell my car to get rid of the expense and drive the old intrepid that guzzles gas.

I want my life to be stable so I can continue with my school thing. Which I am very much enjoying.

That is the update.

I am SO BORING!

2005-08-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

I wouldnt read my blog if I was another person.

I guess the thing of it is, is I dont write about personal stuff anymore. I just give the headlines and not really get into that much detail. I guess I can't handle being under the spotlight. It's hard to open yourself up to so many different people. They judje you, criticize your choices, & form opinions on things that are maybe a touchy subject. Then some just do all that and point it out for every else to see. Like what happened last week. It just seems easeir to be vague then to show the more softer side of things. I guess sometimes I try to be real, but then sometimes I just am kinda dumb.

~~~

I jinxed B this weekend, he went riding on his quad and got into an accident. He irratated me in an emial bf he left. So I replied for him to leave me alone, and then to be a snot I threw in 'so break a leg tomorrow daredevil'. Well B probably didnt even get that bf he left. But he almost killed himself on the quad ride. He bumped a big rock, fell off his bike, somehow his foot was caught and he was dragged by his bike and almost went over a 60ft high cliff. Luckily his bike stopped. Wasnt there, story doesnt make great sense. But good enough. We talked this morning while he was in the walgreens getting painkillers and relaxers. My mouth dropped. I didnt say one thing about my email. I was just glad he was OK.

It has really been a trying 2mos with him. I cant believe I am here still. Not like in a particular place as like on earth, but here mentally. He can be the best and the worst. IE the anxiety and probably the depression he suffers from. It's not so easy to just walk away and not look back. He is who he is, maybe someday I will grow so sick of it and leave. Or maybe he will get a firmer grip on what he suffers from.

I want to call him and pester him but I am trying hard to just wait and give him some time to relax hence this is the first day he had anything to help him sleep. Road rash I guess is covering a large amount of his body.

He is also leaving to go on his little 'guys vaca' on the 4th so it sucks to be him all screwed up. Just him and a guy friend, how much trouble could they possibly cause and get into? Should I eat my words right now?

~~~

Math is going well. Am so happy that I may just be up to par with what we are studying in class.

My psych/soc class has hit a BORING bump and I am hoping that it doesnt not continue in this direction.

~~~

Well anyways, I dont have much else going on. Happy f'in monday!

2005-08-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

So far this weekend has been a good one. I've been busy.

Friday night Jeff took me out for this treat. We only made it to din din. Which was awesome. A very nice Mexican food restraunt. Then we came back to my casa and hung out. Also watched Napoleon Dynamite for the like 100th time. It's such a good movie. My Sis came out and hung out too. Finally a little 'dazed and confused' I walked Jeff out and hit the hay.

Saturday, I went to see Brothers Grimm with Momasita and Sissy. Good movie even though it didn't get great reviews. Afterwards, I realized Jeff had my sun glasses so I went to his house and pick them up. He had his friend over and I ended up staying. We watched Sin City and got 'dazed and confused'. ha. Well anyways Sin City was good. And I had a good time with Jeff and his buddy. Came home and hit the hay. Woke up at 8am! Was mad so I rolled over and slept some more till 10ish. A little better.

Today I am suppose to meet with my Dad and work on my Math homework. Gosh I hate math. I am so dumb dumb sometimes.

~~
B has not yet decided he gives a shit about me. I am so irritated with his repugnant attitude sometimes.

~~
So thats all that I am doing. I am so glad that Jeff is here. I love him to pieces! but anywho, I have not much else to write about here today. I should figure out what time I will be needing to put on my thinking cap. Hence my math hw. awhh gawsh. I hate it.

Blog BS

2005-08-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

Update!
I would like to post all of my thougts.
I would like to say that I am a big fan of Becky. She was my first reader, and I think I was hers besides Chris of course. We watched each others blogs go from little unkown blogs, to blogs that get a few comments here there, to geting a handful. And along the way of getting to know her she has turned out to be a GREAT peson. I at first questioned her want for marriage, kids, and everything else. But getting to know her I think she is well aware of what she wants & is fully capable. And she has a great guy to do it with. I am happy for her. As we all should. Really it's no one business what her and Chris do. But I think she deserves all the happiness the world can give her, as we all do. It really disgusts me that people can be so mean and heartless. So anyone that wants to bad mouth her or really anyone else for that matter can eat my shit.
Ok, thats that. Thanks for reading.
~
A recent topic on everyone's blogs has been about blogs or blogging.

What I dont understand is why people feel the need to so rudely blast other peoples blogs, person, choices and etc. This was suppose to be a free & safe place to rant, rave, bitch, curse, explore ideas, tell stories, and other personal and non personal things. So be why so rude about it? There are of course going to be difference of opinions. But be tacful. Be respectful! I know I have not always been perfect in this area. But my 'oops' usually come after someone else made a wrong move. It doesnt make me much better. But seriously. If you cant say something respectfully and tactfully then dont say it at all.

Everyone will have there own private thoughts. BUT do you really think here in bloggerland you are really going to change someones life that is 10 states away? No! You ARE NOT. So why make an ass out of yourself? People do not so easily change. At least not in a huge way. The only thing you will succeed in doing is angering them and making an ass out of yourself. And if you have something that you really feel is an important 'negative' issue that you feel you need to address to another blogger, request to EMAIL them in prviate so that everyone else that comes to that particular comment section doesnt see your bull shit opinion. That at least makes you look respectful and gives others an oppertunity to form there own opinion (or non at all) of whatever. 1st it is WRONG to bash people, and it makes it even worse when you do so for EVERYONE to read.

This is a place that we should be able to put our guards down and be our beautiful selves. So just CHILL and be nice. This isnt a place to make enemies. This is a place to read, learn, converse, and most importantly enjoy. And people that cross the line and blast other people are not the people that I think any of us came here to read about, learn from, and get to know.

a dedication goes to my twitterpated friend.

Close a door, a window appears

2005-08-26T13:19:00.000-07:00

Todat I said goodbye to someone that was dear to my heart. It's hard and yet easy at the same time. People come and then people go. It's just hard fact of life, that I have been trying to work around to prevent. But it happens. There is no way to prevent these things, there is no way to work around them. It just happens. It has to happen bc then other good things that are to come will not. A door closes and then a window appears. Another window of oppertunity. Aint life grand?

At this moment, I am at some type of peace. I am sure that will change bc it always does. I will be angry, regretful, sad and all those other things. But all I can do is ride this one out and start over.

~~

I also cleaned out my e-mail today. I tend to let it stack up. I think this is a way to make me feel less lonely or something strange like that. I remember the last time I did this I was kind of disapointed everytime I opened my emial and to see that it was completely empty. I have folders for a lot of my things. Thing that normally people would delete but I just file away. I have enough memory, wy not? I have a total of 1934 filed e-mails. That not including the sent, trash and whatever other folders. That is alot isnt it?

~~

Anyways, Jeff is here from Cali so he is taking me out for a special treat. Dinner, dessert, and a movie. Love him to death. Couldnt be a better time.

Hope all have a good weekend!

I feel as though I have less and less to write about

2005-08-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

Or maybe my want to write is less and less.

Anyways. I have not been as active on my blog. Why? I don't know. I am not so overly busy all of sudden. I still sit at work bored out of little mind. I have started to read books again, not just others blogs, ha. But school has defiantly taken over. Its a constant thing in my head. I do like having the extra responsibility. My Soc/Psych class is my favorite so far. Good thing I want that part of my career focus. Psychiatric nurse practioner.

The focus of the class is how people act on there own and with in a social group. Today we went over how people are effected my their social group. The larger the group the bigger of a impact and what's that fing word!?! Damn it I cant remember it again! GEEZE! ....IT"S INFLUENCE, well anyways, the bigger the group the more greatly the single person will be INFLUENCED & conform to the groups ideals. Seems basic right? But it's important. How people act on there own VS how they act with in a group is sooo different.

Even people that try and 'rebel' against the mainstream ideals & fads and etc will end up joining sub groups that share the same morals, values, & lifestyle. Well, once settled in this sub group most start to become competitive with each other on who is the most rebellious. And again the cycle repeats itself. People will stretch to be the biggest and baddest and will lose why they joined the sub group in the first place and then yet another sub group is formed. It's always about rebelling and stretching the lifestyle to be the most unique.

Just like for an example the emo kids VS punks or metal heads. My little brother was all punk rock. Then all of sudden punk rock wasn't original anymore and punk 'sold out' according to him. So then he followed his social group and is now into heavy metal. Not like hard core, he looks fairly normal. But he claims metal. Well the metal and punk kids generally don't like each other. And now a new music scene is exploding -Emo. I'm not so sure what it is so much as the look where boys wear make up, thick black glasses w/o the need for them, and weird back hair w/ cuts where the the front of the hair is long and in the face and then the back is short.

Well metal and punk are similar and they don't like each other and now that emo is the new gig -everyone that is not emo hates emo kids. These kids generally like my little brother didn't feel they fit into the preppie or jock stereo type and so started off rebelling with being punk. That became so popular now with our culture that he has moved into metal. And now a different 'rebel' sub group is started and there is even competition over who is the biggest bad ass among the different groups.

Not only is there competition with in the sub groups as to who is more 'punk', with the most knowledge of underground music, who skates, whose hair is better or whatever. Same goes with 'metal' -who can head bang the best or mosh, and then 'Emo' who has the best decked out look with hair, glasses, and black eyeliner. But also the competition starts to thrive with these other sub groups whose 'scene' is better or badder.

Make sense? Am I doing Ok explaining?

Well anyways this class we are going to look at these type of things; the individual and the group.

I think this will be good for me. I too rebelled and had this whole get up with alternative hair, clothes, & attitude. Well for some reason around the age of 16 something about the way things socially didn't really appeal to me anymore bc we were just like the original group that I was trying to not be in - in the first place. And since then I have just been 'Rachael' and not stereo type myself into anything and just do things that feel good and comfy to me.

I have a hard time understanding people now bc I don't get why people are such in a craze to fit in, compete with one another, and these social conformities.

And it goes way beyond the just the music scene. I see this everywhere. If you don't follow the masses or the hurd you usually run into social conflicts.

I never got it. And always had my own opinion that eventually caused me some grief. People don't 'agree to disagree' very often and there is always some issue.

So anyways that is my class. Maybe a bit overexplained for you readers, but agh well.

If you are still reading at this point know that I may just go off like that again later down the road.

~~

About other things. Right now I feel kinda shitty. I am at some cross roads. Aren't I always? I wish god had a telephone and I could just buzz him and ask for advise. I like to hear opinions bc I think that maybe I will gain some knowledge and I am looking for some type of answer. Hopefully it will come to me soon.

~~

Other news....
I have none that I can think of.

So till I do; I hope all is well.

First day of school

2005-08-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

Last night I was so anxious I couldn't sleep. I didnt fall asleep till after 3am and then woke up at 7. 4 hours of sleep. I am sitting next to the guy I knew from middle school in my CIS class. He seems cool, kinda hot.

I am at work right now. My boss said I could leave early. I feel like crap. I am so tired. Really am. And I feel so would up. I feel shaky kinda.

But anyways, school was good. I like my teachers so far (its the first day) and the subject matter seems good and it will keep me interested.

My Psych 253 class is really small bc it's higher level, but that is OK bc sometimes I can be totally social and then sometimes I want to blend in to the wall.

My Dad is going to pay for my BOOKS! I spent almost $400 on books alone. Thats a lot of money for me to fork over so I am just so happy that I got cut some slack there. Thanks Dad!

So I cant wait to get out of here.

Hope all is well with everyone!

What a day its going to be

2005-08-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

I have stuffed myself on cookies. Yummy!

I have to go to tempe tonight an help Yazi move. I am not excited for this, however no one else is available last min to help her get her bed in her new casa. oiy oiy. Last night was a all nighter, and again tonight for a bit! What are friends for? This esact thing!

I am so not ready for school tomorrow! Damn it. It's my fault though!

If I get home in time I will post more.

Hello! Hello!

2005-08-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a bit since I last posted. Don't have much to report.

This weekend has FLOWN bye!

But I guess that is a good thing right?

Friday night I came home, finished my book and then proceeded to pass the F out. I slept in kind of on Saturday, but not late enough unfortunately. Then I searched for text books online and went shopping.

I love Target, but I hate shopping.

Just got girly bathroom stuff and then scoped out some cheap clothes.
Back to school shopping. However, I still need a back pack and am going to Robinson's to get some more clothes today.

Hopefully.

Back to my weekend, after shopping went and had din din with G-ma. Spent more than I would like. I have one of those cheap families that we all pitch in and pay for own meals. No one picks up the tab. Later after that I helped Yaz put together some of her Ikea furniture.

That was somewhat amusing. Sometimes confusing but we got a 3 drawer night stand put together. Very cool for us. I didn't get home till 5am though! But we started late. Woke up 5 hours later to some coffee and have been cleaning the house. Moms boy is coming bye with a very nice dishwasher to replace the one we had. The one we had was nice, but this one is nicer. So I guess we will sell the old one or give it to someone? Not sure. But anywho I've been cleaning and such for the most part. I wonder if I will actually make it to Robinson's but we will see. Need new bras and panties. :)

Oh, B and I got into a squabble on Fri. We will see how long that lasts. I am not overly worried about it bc I have so much on my mind with school and such. Also I think it will blow over. Also, I got a nice lil surprise for him. :)

Wish I had more to say. But I don't.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. They are never quite long enough.

I am stuffed

2005-08-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

on sushi.
But it was YUMMY!

AZ's Price For Gas

2005-08-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

AZ Phx Metro Average
Reg/Unleaded
$2.546

Mid
$2.655

Premium
$2.808

Highest Recorded Price:
Regular Unl. $2.546 8/18/2005

What's your states?
http://www.gaspricewatch.com/new/
Or google
'(state name) gas price' and see what you find...

2005-08-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

Can anyone explain to me why Bravenet Taffic exchange page always pops up when I visit certain blogs?

Anyways, I was on time with bringing food to work, however the guys that would be eating it were early of course. So there were a few in there when I was putting everything out on the table. I feel like a caterer.
Anyways, when I arrived the guy mentioned that this place delivers. In my head I just thought Yes thanks, I didnt know that, but they wouldnt be able to deliver it till 8:15, the meeting starts at 8, so would that have worked for you? No. But instead I just bit my tongue and was quiet and didnt say anything at all.

I made awesome stir fry yesterday with Tofu. It was awesome. Also bought a wok to cook it in. The wok was cool, but not what I expected. You have to 'season' it and then not wash it with soap ever again otherwise you will have to 'season' the thing AGAIN. Seasoning is is boiling and cooking water & oil way TO long. Sis 'seansoned' the wok and I just cooked the veggies. We thought the wok would cook the tofu better than the a normal pan but NOPE. A frying pan is way better for that. So now I have a wok but not entirely impressed on how it works. Also learned that onions need to be cooked before all the other veggies. Oh man for some reason stir fry will hit my belly like a ton of bricks. agh. Its the most uncomfortable feeling ever. But it's nice when you are hungry. It' also just so yummy you cant stop.

Anyways, I suppose my dinner is not the most exciting thing ever.

I think I will post later. Gotta go.

2005-08-17T22:06:00.000-07:00

It's inching it's way to full blow reality
I am becoming more aware of how niave I can be
This is not poem, just my random thoughts
I have fallen from reality and I am still crashing through all these crazy times that makes no more sense then this post.
This time I must be strong and on my own
I am just trying to figure out where this windy road goes
But sometimes it's not where it goes, its more about what happens on the way there
Who will I be when I get to where I want; I have no idea.
And really I cant arrive anywhere bc I dont know where my desired destination would be
I am about to embark on a whole new world. I wanted a hand but I guess I will have to just accpet my own
I like this random writing. It's makes no sense but it's me
I know what I am capable of, and now I just need to get it done
Life is confusing. Especially right now.
It's hard to not look back and wonder where I went wrong
But really I should not focus on that bc the past is just that.
People come and go.
I am trying to remember what my first real black friend once told me... it seemed so profound and yet so simple. Regina I hope you are happy out there somewhere.
Perception is not fact. And that is what most of life is.
I feel so shallow and simple. Why can this not be so easy for me to figure out.
I need to get better at following through.
Just a little over a year ago I was trying to leave the country
and look at me now
Have I really changed the much since then? Sometimes yes and sometimes no.
I gotta go to sleep now. I have to go bend over for the man. Not really. But I have to work and get someones food order in the morning that is almost half the of what I make in a week.
Isnt that sad? I am two breakfasts and a tip for these guys.
I am tired. Nighty night.

Open mouth, insert foot

2005-08-17T17:19:00.000-07:00

I am a bit embarresed at the moment. Not sure how to redeem myself.

At work I am still new and still getting the hang of all this.

But I guess I opened my mouth about couple of things that I shouldn't have. I should have known better but I didnt.

Someone gave me the scoop today on my 'oops'. I feel dumb. Oh gosh.

I have to pick up food tomorrow morning for the one the guy that would have been a bit hmm what's the word...bothered by my 'oops'. Me being me would like to say sorry that I messed up but that probably wouldnt be professional. So fuck me. I am not going to ever open my mouth again and talk to only my boss. I thought everyone was close friends. But there seems to be more to the story.

I still have some learning to do. I feel like this terrible trouble maker.

I have no idea where this post is going to go.

2005-08-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get bored and don't have anything to do so I write.

I am constantly conflicted about some things in my life. I never know which way to go with something. I end up racking my brain and never making a desicion and kinda wait for life to slide the situation in another direction. This is only with a few things. Not everything. Typically I am a head strong person and I don't have much question, but then out of now where I will be stumped it. It sucks.

I am stumped if you couldnt tell.

~~~

I am trying to not get full blown sick, I am tired and would like to go home and sleep. School starts Monday and I have not gotten any school supplies or my books. The school said they mail my check to me to collect and deposit. So I will have that money soon.

I am also getting paid a lot for working full time partially last week and this entire week. Although the thing that sucks is that it's only Tuesday and I want to go home and to have the week be over so bad. It feels like someone punched me in the face. That's how bad my pressure is. Although I just sneezed and it sort of relieved it Let's hope for good.

I am nervous about school. How could I not be? I have not been for over a year. I am going to be 21 with a bunch of younger people. Not that I am so old, but I barely get along with people my own age, I am dating a 33yr old, and now I am going to be around a bunch 18-19 yr olds. Sheesh. But really thats not all true. I may be with older kids too. We will have to wait and see.

~~~~

So anyways, just playing around wth font bc I am trying to change it up a bit. I like this one the best. It's no pretty. I also like New Time Roman font too. Arent I plain? Most people seem to like Comic Sans bc it's fun or real big pretty cursive like letters. Not I. I like plain, small, slightly curved tidy print. It's dainty too. To me it kind has a flair of goth or old time to me. Especially the g's, a's & the K's. OK I am a dork if I really just wrote a paragraph about font. Does that tell you how bored I am?

~~~~

B is a weirdo. I hate it how I will feel so differently about one conversation through the day. I like it, I hate him, I hate myself, I think its dumb, I think its great and how it I really just over analyze somethings.Do I sound bipolar?
anyways, only time will tell and I am really getting sick. I can feel the pressure building up, but at least I can breathe. K had this exact thing, excpet since she has asthma her body couldnt fight it. I probably wont get as sick as her. She thinks she will get out of the hosptial soon. I hope so!

~~~

My car insurance wenr down $30 a month. How cool is that?
Down to 120 for full coverage now!

~~~

Ok well that is it for now.

more verbage

2005-08-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

Today has been ok. Just another day for the most part.

I didnt work out as long as I would have liked but at least I got ten minutes in on the treadmill.

Office politics suck. Especially when you are me and a 'know it all'. But I know I don't know it all, but I do know a thing or two and would like some people to know.. ;)

B buzzed me a bit ago. Normal yappy yapppy conversation along with yada yada. 30 min later we then we started to talk about more sensetive topics.

The conversation ended with me in one mind set. I chewed on some thoughts. And rang him back to share them. I know he probably gets a bit annoyed when I do that. Get somewhat bothered, we get off the phone only to call back. But sometimes I need a min to gather my thoughts before I unload them.

So that is what I did. Not so much that I got the outcome I wanted. But I got 'the' ear to unload to. And that much makes me feel better about ~me. You can't change peoples thoughts, choices, & opinions. You can only plant a seed of thought and see where it grows. It's all up to them.

We will see how my little seedling grows, if at all..

Things were left on a good note.

I have to get up early so with that my loves I will bid you a beautiful goodnight.

I owe a post

2005-08-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

And this is my 100th entry here on blogger. Yay.

Anyways,

This weekend has flown by. Fri I got off work early and headed of to Blakes. He took me out to eat at our little romantice intalian place. It's sooo good and so perfect. Watched a movie that blew ass but had a good time. Bacically just hung out. Came home sat evening and took a nap for a half hour bf I had to be back out the door at 5:30 for a b-day party.

Got home and started to natch Nip/Tuck and zonked out on the couch.

Got up, went to the store and got breakie stuff. French toast.
Going to family dinner at some at great uncles house. Hmmm free food...

Anyways, most everything is swell. Not a whole lot goin down right now. Had a busy weekend so far. Going to work a few full days this week bc boss is still sick.
Always could use more money.

Wish I had more to say. I do but don't feel like getting into it now. Maybe later.

Hope ya'll are having a good weekend! :)

My Interview

2005-08-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

Out of all the accomplishments in your life, what are you really most proud of to yourself; no matter now silly and little it would seem to others?
I don’t think I have one accomplishment that I would consider the ultimate at this time. There are a lot of littler milestones that make me smile. However, as of right now I think the most important goal I am working on is getting back into school to get a degree in nursing. So far, so good.

If you could make your own man, what would he look and how would he treat you and other people?
He he he… I like tall guys, with dark longish hair (something I can touch bc I love to!) and light eyes (preferably green). I like a strong build, but with out a lot of big muscle (not into football players). No six packs, I like a slight curve. Nice skin, don’t care about complexion color so much... Oh not into guys that are picky and wear brand name clothing all the time, I like people that are comfortable with themselves no matter what they are wearing. I like the 5 o’clock shadow on a fresh smelling guy. Hmm…
Personality wise I would like someone that knew how to break the rules & have fun but are also responsible. Deep people who can think outside the box are a must.I don’t really want to say I would like to be treated like princess, but on occasion it would be nice. I would like a relationship to be a bit of a challenge so I don’t get bored, but not strenuous. Know what I mean?I like guys that can be laid back, loud ond crazy, and always treat others with repect.

If you could have a super power, what would it be?
I have always like Rogue’s powers, or to fly. Haven’t really thought about it.

Who is your favorite person, in the world and why?
I am a Momma’s girl. I know I bitch about her, but when you are close to people it’s hard not too. My Momma is beautiful, strong, and so very intelligent. We are a lot alike. ;)

Who is your least favorite person, and why?
Ewww, hmm that is a hard one. I don’t really think about that in terms of who do I hate the most.

If you could change anything about your life what would it be and why?
Living in a HUGE house, but with my family. That way we can still be close but far enough away. Maybe fix a few issues that B and I have at the moment

Do you have any pets?
Oh gawd. I have ton of pets. When I lived at my Dad’s I had two dogs that I still love to death. Poco & Chili. Both of them are a bit old and will not be around much longer but they are my boys.

Chili is a Golden Retriever. His little face is turning grey with age, but he is to so sweet and so cute. He’s a bit over weight. We always tried to put him on a diet but he will even eat his own poop instead of being hungry so I think after 10+ yrs we gave up. He’s just slightly pudgy. Not obese or anything. Chili is really just so cute though. He will just stare out you with the softest eyes and he’s so gentle and he loves to sniff faces, hair, and heads.

Poco is a bit more dominant and likes a lot of attention. He can get jealous and def let’s you know about it. He has a lot of personality and is always making noises to go along with his mood. He’s deaf now and has lumps in a few places so he looks pretty funny. He is a total mutt and is so ugly he is cute. He can be a bit territorial but he is well loved by the family.

Poco’s and Chili live at Dads still where they are ‘retired’, but even though they aren’t as quick as they used to be they still have a ton of spunk.

At my Mom’s we have cats. I am not a big cat person as I like dogs but that’s ok. I really just love animals.

A while back my old friend Jen and I (she is on my pic page, last pic, w/ green sweater on) went to this old friends house that we knew was pregnant. Her boyfriend and roommates were on bad drugs so went to see if we could at least get her out of the house for a bit. We knew she was home but she just ignored our knocks.

These people had a ton of cats around the house that weren’t fixed and they just kept on having litters of kittens. We while we were knocking there were 2 lil baby kitties all curled up in an empty, dirty, food bowl. It was in the summer time so it was fairly hot out. Jen and I ea grabbed a kitten and took them home. I am an animal lover and couldn’t stand to see the lil babies not be taken care of. I wish I could have helped all of them though. So Jen took the black one, I took the white fluffy one and and that is the story of Teddy. He is our Himalayan.

Mom wasn’t so happy when I first brought him home but they are now best buds. Ted loves Mom. Mom loves Ted.

This was over 4 yrs ago so now Ted is grown up and has long forgotten my good dead. He’s a little stuck up. But he is very cute though, and when he was a baby he eyes were crossed, he kinda grew out of it, but when he is tired or feeling extra spunky his eyes still cross. I think it was bc he was in a house full of drugs as a kitten, but who knows. But I saved his little porky life. Jens cat ended up taking up with her neighbor, an elderly lady that needed a friend.

Lastly, Blake’s dog. He isn’t really mine, but he would be if I had my way. His name: Rick James, as in “I’m Rick James bitch!” He’s a boxer mix. Mostly boxer, he is in my pics too. Not the best pic though. He’s a bit of a special needs dog but oh so loving and cute. He just adores me. I just adore him. He can’t be let outside on his own or he’ll take off. He has bad anxiety but it’s he's so well worth it. Everyone that meets him including all my friends and family just LOVE him. But him and I have something special; we have a connection ;)

Blake just recently go him a sister. Macey. I forget what kind of she is but she is HUGE, all while and fluffy.

Where did you grow up?
Chandler & Scottsdale Az!

If you become famous one day, what do you think would make you famous?
Oh I have no idea…

And most importantly what would you do with your three wishes, and no wishing for more wishes!? 1. 1. more money
2. peace and love everywhere, especially for me
3. happiness for all, especially for me
;)

At work early

2005-08-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

At like 8:45 I got a call from Peter asking me to come it. Katie was sick. So I got here at 10 instead of the normal 12. An extra few bucks, YAY. But the thing that sucks is that I am bored and will have nothing to do. I think I might go work out for a bit. C ya in a few.

Isnt my job great? Just get up and go work out? I have to take the cordless with me though...

It's late and I am up

2005-08-11T00:36:00.000-07:00

I went to Ikea with Yasmin tonight. She got a cool new bed set picked out. Ikea wasn't so bad this time around. Last time I went there it on a weekend it was packed! Oh my word I will never go to Ikea during the day. People are hurded around like cattle & have to walk shoulder to shoulder. It's horrible. But this time was not bad. Not so many people. But tyou are fucked if you want to find a bathroom or the exit for that matter.

Yaz and I also rented Garden State tonight. It was really good. I love Natalie Portman. She is just so cool.

At the end of the movie Natalie Portman and the main guy are sitting on some stairs. The guy is telling N.P. he has to go back to his home (in a dif state) for a bit to get his head straightened out & to get into some counseling. He had some issues through out the movie. It's kind of an intense moment bc she's crying saying don't go and he is telling he has to but that he will call when he gets there and tring to reassure he that he loves her, everything is going to be fine, and that he will be back soon. He gets up and leaves. She cries.

This seen reminded me of B and I. Except B isnt going to counseling. He thinks that he can fix himself or get things straight on his own. I don't know if he does. Sometimes it takes a while bf everything goes back normal. I wonder if someday they just won't. Like now. I tend to think that they will. But I could be wrong. And the odds are that one day, whether it be today or some later time that things wont go back to 'normal' and I will be wrong. I've seen him do this a few times out the 15-16 mos I have been with him. When things are good they are sky high and nothing could ever be better, but then there are these lows that are kinda really low. But I love him.

I really do think that it's not so simple like some people like to chop it up to be. People can be fucked up and complicated. But everyone is welcomed to there opinions and some even share them with me. I try to not let it get in my head. Normally it doesn't. But sometimes I am a bit offended bc no one knows anything to make these judjements and form these negative opinions. I dont really talk about my personal shit (anymore) with that many people. So people that know me just come up with their own theories. I don't bother arguing or standing up for him or our relationship. I don't think I should have to in the first place. It's their opinion. And I think that for the most part I am secure enough to let you or whoever think what they want bc in the end it only it's only someones insignificant little opinion that knows nothing. This whole thing really only effects one person and that is me. And when it gets to the point that I can't hang then peace out dude.

But preferably I would like to be left alone and to not hear some peoples negative crap bc they don't know. I think I am a big girl and if I am making a mistake then it's obviously a lesson worth learning.

But at the end of the movie the guy changes his mind and finds her in a phone booth crying somewhere in the Airport. Takes her and makes everything better.
I wish my happy ending would hurry up... maybe I wont get one.

Another thought I had. I was driving home from Ikea, taveling on one of the biggest freeways here that you can see a major part of the city from. Even here in Phoenix Az there are so many people out there. If you got to meet everyone in your metropolitan area how many times would have a strong liking or love for someone? Probably a more than you think. In my opinion everyone is very much capable and probably would cheat or be unfaithful given the right oppertunity. It's only matter of circumstance that you meet the temptation that causes you to fail that first person. That's why I think so many affairs happen with people that work together. It was a matter of chance that you got put in the same office with this person and they are actually interested in you too. Where else would we meet people? Besides bar and through other friends?

Well anyways I am going to close that morbid thought.

I think tonight I might be losing a bit of faith that I had yesterday in regards to B. This happens. I'll be hopefull and then I'll be less... It just kind of works out that way.

good night

Well I just worked out and feel GREAT!

2005-08-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

I only worked out for 25-30min but WOW what a difference. I started off the treadmill with 3lbs weights in hand, then jumped on the weight thing that you can excersize your arms and legs, I did 10-15 reps with my arms at 40lbs. Next I beat the shit out of the punching bag. I was quite impressed with this bc the last time I remember going at a punching bag I barely moved the SOB. But this time it was swinging with my blows. I even had to stop it from moving and then I'd start wailing on it agian. And then to finish off I jumped back on the tread mill and sprinted uphill for another ten min.

Maybe I should have persued boxing? ;)

My right arm is sore BUT WOWWIE I feel good. I dont want to be thin bc I dont think I will look good that way. I like my curves but I need to lose the extra pundage that's hanging out right now.

Will update in a bit bc I gotta do make din din...

Feeling a bit lonely today....

2005-08-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

The day started off well and now.. well I feel kinda alone now.

Don't have any plans excpet that I am going to work out tonight in a bit. There is gym here. So yeah feeling a lil fat so gotta fix that.

Yazi came and brought me lunch today. Very nice of her. She brought Israeli food from our fav restraunt -yum yum.

I got nothing planned for the wkend. I still have my go-cart tix and thinking that I may invite a friend to go ride them with me.

Also Cold Stone Creamery Corp office is close to work and they have a free store inside that whoever knows about it can go in and order free ice cream. Cool huh? Our people are friends with their people. So maybe I will do that too, but that would go against my new plan of eating right and getting back in shape.

Anyways...in other news....
egh, I have no other news.

So till I have somethign to talk about ta ta

I'm bored!

2005-08-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

Tuesday ~added update~

2005-08-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

Almost forgot:
~The update~
As I last posted I was a bit peeved at B. I think I had reason. But as of now everything is fine though, at least as far as I can see and tell. We are talking and getting along fine. I also just realized that B has & has had a lot on his plate, so I am trying to back off and let him deal with everything.
~~~~~

I woke up completely out of it today. It was very odd for me.

I rolled out of bed, ate some left overs and started to get ready for work. I dragged ass and was almost late.

I feel totally unlike myself today. Even putting on make up was a challenge and took it off more than once bf giving up on it. It could be bc of the new hair do but today my face just looked totally different and I wasnt liking it. I even had a hard time with my lashes.

Also I feel like I have put on some weight int the last few days. I hate it very much. I have been eating a bit more lately. I dont want to be overweght. Could it be the time of the month? I dont know, I have a hard time reconizing those sort of things bc I havent been regular bc of PCOS. I have no idea. But I know that I am going to take walk/jog around the neighborhood. I am also going to try & think of healthy meals to eat more of that I actually like. I am big into tofu right now. So I might go buy some of that and cook it and eat it with veggies. I wont add noodles bc they are more fat that I dont need. Oh fuck... its taco day... I will still jog and just wont over stuff my self in the mean time. I could totally be over reacting which I probably am....but I dont feel good in my clothes this past week....

I went out to the dubliner last night w/ Yazi. It was fun. I don't think I really fit in there or this area. I would like to move back to scottsdale. I miss my hometown. I love my house so if I could just move it with everyone in it, I would be happy!

I think I am at one of those places in life that I just dont know where I am going to be in the near future. I just have no clue. Nothing seems very solid to me and I feel like if I had an oppertunity to move I would totally do it -if I could...

Today is going to be a boring day here in the office. I already know. The mail is already done and I will sit here trying to find something good to read on the net for another 4 hours bc I left my book at home.

Another rainy day

2005-08-08T12:24:00.000-07:00

here in Az.

I don't have much to post about bc I am boring....

hmmm.......?

Here's some news that just came in...

Iran resumes nuclear work; the West scrambles
International Atomic Energy Agency to hold an emergency meeting Tuesday - a step closer toward a showdown at UN.

http://www.csmonitor.com/2005/0809/p02s01-wogi.html

8/8/05-New York
Peter Jennings Dies At 67

http://www.kltv.com/Global/story.asp?S=3695870

90's & other tid bits about me

2005-08-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

I am not going to write posts in blogger anymore. It’s such a frustration to write and then have the net to go down (like today) or to have blogger eat it.

Anyways, I will try and recreate my post that was lost.

We made breakkie for the fam-damily today . I make the best eggs. Hmm yummy. They were delish.

While me and my Sis were cooking I put on the 90's cable music. I love the 90's. It was my time. I was born in the early 80's but they just didnt have the same impact on me...

It’s the music from the 90's that can take me back to times, memories, and experiences that for the most part lay forgotten deep in my mind. It was a time when I was getting to know myself and the world around me. I def think that the 90's were more interesting as far as culture and ‘the seen’ is concered then today. It was also the peak of my radical self. I seemed to have had so many more thoughts, ideas, and theories at that time. And cool memories. I think I am boring now. Or at least I feel boring....I guess I can't be that bad in my 20's. But, I seemed to have gotten wrapped up in the ‘real world’ and parts of me that were radical and creative died. I lost my edge? I used to write (I thought good) poetry and now when I try I seem unable to. Maybe I am more jaded? It holds me back? Ahh I don’t know. But I love the 90's. And I don't think VH1's ‘I love 90's’ special does it all the justice it deserves.

~~~~

Like I said earlier I got my hair done yesterday. I love it. It’s creative and kinda original. I have a vibrant but dark merlot/wine color with blond highlights that are a bit chunky. It’s slightly alternative, pretty, & girly...it’s perfect for me. Maybe a tad bit of punk to it w/o looking like a trouble maker. Its just goes well. I will try and post a pic bf it fades and becomes more average looking.

~~~~

Also I wish that I could customize my blog. The colors here are not very 'Rachael' bc I am not a very 'pink' girl. But the template choices on here dont match me very well either. I tried to change the pinks on this one to a deep red and half the pinks changed and half of them didnt. I must not have found all of the color codes and changed them. I gave up on it.

~~~~

I forgot the other topics I was going to write about. That’s ok though. I think I want to do something artsy today.
Well anywho, maybe I will write more later.
Ta ta

Up Late

2005-08-06T00:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am going to get my hair done. I am very excited about this.

Also I am going to get my oil changed. How fun? I am 200 miles over. Not so bad eh?

Just watched a show picking apart the pros & cons of police chases. They had quite a few cases were the chase killed innocent people. And then at the end they had a case where a police officer was not aloud to chase a suspect and that 'suspect' later sexually assulted and killed a young girl. Makes you think.

However, I have to agree that if there are quite a few people in the area then high speed chases should not occur. Especially with the technology we have today, and with the use of air patrol we really do not need 10 cop cars chasing one guy. Just my opinion though.

Today I saw B, went very well except he kinda bothered me this (fri) afternoon and so I just left. I simply avioded eye contact and conversation & just got my stuff and left. Didn't say anything to him besides when he asked why I had a bit of a 'tude'. I told him I didnt like to be a treated a certain way and continued to walk out the door. I heard the front door close behind me as I got close to my car. I didnt look back, and I didnt even have much a "'tude". I didnt do anything besides leave.

I think that may have surprised him. I didnt provoke a fight, didnt stomp out, and I didnt try and fix the issue. I just left. I may not be on his list of fav people right now, but I guess I have no patience anymore or any desire to fight about shit. If there is something I don't like I am just going to distance myself from it. It's simple, right?

I can see now that I am a really good thing that he has and if he wants to throw it away & ruin it then fine. I wont argue and try to change the situation. Maybe he should date other people and see if he can do better. If he can then I know I definitely can too. Not sure if we are actually fighting. I guess I will find out sooner or later.

Nothing else to really say at this point. I think I am going to drop one of the classes I enrolled for. My financial aid only requires 9 credit hours. I am taking 12. I will be better money wise if I take 9. So thats what I am thinking about that...

I have decided I am very much against booty calls & friends w/ benies. I dont want to ever be in a situation that I feel like a booty call. I saw someone close to me struggle with a booty situation and it makes me sick. Really did.

Also I am not going to add text to my phone. If I have something to say to someone I will call them. Otherwise, I can recv but can not send. I like it that way. In a way it's such a cop out. Its an direct way to indirectly contact someone. It's crap.

Ok well that's all she wrote.

Nighty night.

Oh yeah, I had 130 hits yesterday?

2005-08-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

Where are all these people?

So you found me...

2005-08-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

I thought I buried myself pretty well. I guess it was going to happen sooner or later that I linked Yaz and had her not link to me. Hope everything is enjoyable or at least interesting. Kinda embarressing when somone has access to all of your personal shit. Well anyway hi jbizzle, hope you keep this to yourself.

Today I am bored out of my mind at work. People would think I am lucky to sit around and surf the net all day, but really thats all I do. Ok ok, Katie and I shoot the shit for a bit, we do the mailed funding and make spread sheets and then I feed the fish. The phone rings maybe 1-4x an hour. People come in every once in a while ask me to stanp something with the stamp machine and thats it. So I get bored.

One of the guys I work with flies in from NY every week and I think hes weird. I have the deposit slips and whenever he needs one he always came up behind me and reached over me or whatever (he got 2 close) to grab one. I would think he would say excuse me & wait for me to move, but no. He just reaches in the desk to grab em and gets so close I can hear him breathe. This happens everyday or sometimes a couple of times a day. One time I told him to take some with him so he wouldnt have to walk up here everyday and that got ignored. So after he did that yesterday I rearranged the desk & moved them to the side of desk where he grab all he wants and he isnt in my bubble. He is a perv. It's not the only thing that he has demonstrated he weirdness. But he's backed off after I made it clear I was uncomfortable w/ him talking about boobs with me.

So tonight I am going to ride the fast go carts with B. I think it will be a good time. Not really taking things seriously. Although he is calling me more often now and spends more time on the phone with me. Last night we gabbed for over an hour. It's cool that even after all this time we can still just shoot the shit for that long w/o getting bored or talking about serious crap.

After this semester I will be done with all of my SB credits. Kinda excited. Found out that also I only need 2 math classes for my major. Very cool as that I am a math retard.

Well besides that I dont have much going on today.....

Still bored and want to eat junk food. I am trying to contain myself as the kitchen here is stocked and I could munch all day for free.

Maybe I will write more later.

My Magical Moment in the Rain

2005-08-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

My older sister and I went out and really played in the rain last night. I've never done it like that before. It was so much fun. I think it is going to be a moment I remember forever.

Sweeten (my Sis) went out to get Mom's car windows rolled up. Mom and I stayed on the porch to watch it come down. It was coming down very hard for Az standards that we had to watch. Sweeten just being in the rain for a few seconds comes back completely drenched. As she sprinted back to the porch she was hopping around and it totally inspired me run full fledge out there in the windy wetness. She followed. Even Mom came out for a min or two before she got cold and sat on the front porch in her robe and watched.

We splashed around in the puddles, ran down the street, danced under the street lamps, and we even threw our heads back and let our mouths gape open. It was such a moment. We were like little kids out there. It felt so good to let the rain spray my face and soak my long hair. I can only imagine how silly we looked to the few cars that drove by with our hair plastered to sides of our heads, shirts clinging to our bodies and just dancing around like idiots. But we didn't care one bit. We were probably out there for a good 20-30min just laughing, splashing, & swinging our arms around; and it continued to rain and rain and rain. It poured for a good hour or two. It was such a pure and innocent moment. I'll remember it forever.

Courtesy

2005-08-02T18:36:00.000-07:00

When someone makes possible plans with you isn't it common courtesy to make a call and cancel them or to postpone them?

I think yes and today I was mildly blown off. It feels kinda shitty.

I keep on telling myself it's not that big of a deal. But I am obviously bothered by it or I wouldnt think about it. So here I am now blogging about it. I am not devastated.

Perhaps I am looking for a reason to be upset or to throw a fit. I dont know. I was looking forward to it. So it's a disapointment. I heard the 'maybe' when the conversation was taking place and so why not let me know that it's 'maybe not going to happen today'?

Which 'maybe' anything I usually deem as BS in the first place...

In most ways I think I am a respectful person. So I have this expectation for other people. When someone calls and I dont answer - I call them back. If possible plans are made, I make a point to cancel them in a respectful fashion if something happened and I can not keep my word. If I have something unpleasant to say I try to be nice about it. Now, that last part may not always happen, but at least I can say I try.

In the end I think that people that don't reach out and do this are kinda rude. I think it careless & disrespectful of them. It's a simple phone call. It's not hard. So just fucking do it.

But yes, I was blown off, sort of.

And how does one go about pointing this out? Do I not go out with them next time an offer is extended? Do I just point blank say that I didnt like that? Do I go as far to tell them that since I am not important that the feeling is now mutual? I dont know. I am confusd. I start to think that if they have no care for me and my time then they are not worth spending time with anyways.

So there it is bitch # 789,253

~~~~~~

On a brighter note (he he) I was at the college today and was waiting to talk to a counseler. Well I overheard this guy talking about a class I had enrolled in. Well Mr. Guy rolls over to the table I am waiting at and takes a seat. As he was walking over I noticed he was hot and then that I knew him from middle school... I had a crush on him :D

Well he immediatly starts to fill out some school form and I ask him if he went to such and such school. He says yes. And then he stares all hard at me as to figure out if he knew me. I told him the story, we talked about the teacher and then I asked him what classes he's taking. He names the class I am in. We compare time and section #'s are low and behold we are in the same CIS class. YAY! Hot boy is in MY class. We talk and then he's going to another school dept to finish enrollment.

Maybe me and hot buy will sit together! And flirt and show each other our notes*.

Wishful thinking.

oh well. it helps.

Also I would like to say that I love my Mom and that although she has been able to fork out the cash for everything my little heart desires she did tried & did a fine job doing what she could. I love her very much. I have no idea where I would be if it were not for her. Sometime she can overly frustrate me and I dont like that when i have so much going on.

~~~~~~

I have not given a B report bc I have none. He's probably an ass. But at least I know he's been busy doing projects around his house that he 'wants to finish before I come over & says I'll be amazed'. Who knows what that is...

The good news is that I am moving on in my own way. Whatever way it goes is OK. I really have no desire to see him if it really is a done deal. Dont need to confuse myself. We are suppose to get together soon but who knows? I sure dont.

Since we are techinically not together at this point I am not living as if we are together. I havent really given out my number in the 'like ~ like you' sort of way. Don't think that is possible as of yet being that I was with him for 15mos. But I did give my number to an old friend that I used to work with that found me on the net. I always thought he was cute but never really did anything with it. I would like to just go out and have a good time. Maybe flirt and get to know what that feels like again. Is that bad? I dont think so. I havent flirted in soo long. I think it would be fun and feel good.

~~~~~

Another random:

Yesterday I was at the grocery store helping my Sister jump her car. She was all upset bc she thought at the time it was her alternater that went out and how expensive it would be and blah blah she was visably upset.

Well up walks up two girls. They have a name tag on from church. At first I think they are LDS or morman.

They ask if we need help and we say 'no thx' nicel and they sit there and stare. She starts to ask me if I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Well instead of being rude & telling them I am not interested in thier version of God or Jesus Christ I think that if I tell them I am active in my own faith that they wont bother me about theirs. Well they tell me about where thier church is and yada yada. I tell them I was raised Catholic & out of curiousity ask what religion they are. They tell me Christian.

I think Oh ok.

And then she continues to ask if she can come back to my house to talk about Jesus & Christianity.

I know my scrunched up my nose and then said "you want to come to my house?"

She looks all nervous and says 'yes'.

I am thinking that I have never heard of other Christians being so out right about these sort of things especially after claiming my own 'faith'. They want to come over? Are they serious? They must be weirdos.

So I tell them that wouldnt work but to give me a card and maybe I'll visit the church, . They give me a card and list their #'s. Other words were exchanged and then they walked off.

I am sitting there like 'what the hell?' Christians dont do that! Not here anyways!

Well Sis and I leave and go home. We are later telling my Mom the story & Sis calls them Mormans. I corrected her saying "NO NO they were Christians".

She says "really?" all curious like...

I was all "yeah they were from 'The Church Of latter Day Saints. They were Christians."

Sweeten looks at me, laughs and says "Thats LDS Rachael. They were Morman, but the correct term is LDS ie Latter Day Saints."

I say "oh......(long pause) why didnt they just say that? They called themselves Christians?!"

Everyone laughs but me.

And that's how the LDS fooled me, and how I made myself seem very ignorant.

But i thought it was funny.

OK Ta ta.

The brat is back

2005-08-02T17:37:00.000-07:00

School has been figured out and the fee has been paid. I think I just boiled over in frustration. School is not easy when you have so much paper work to catch up on! Hope everyone will excuse the tude!

I got my schedule and it perfect times and I will get to work on time. Yay.

School & mom problems

2005-08-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

So I overslept yesterday and I didnt make it to the college as planned. BUT I went today and guess what? I am not as big of a dumb ass as I orginally thought. I took my testing and I was bit surprised with the score I ended up with. My Eng is up to par, my math is beyond what I thought it would be. I tested into102 (which is were I should be), but I am going to take 092 bc I am very slow w/ math & I know that I could use a brush up.

Also I have always been more of a reader than a writer and for some reason my writing surpasses my reading scores. When taking the test I would have thought it was the other way around but I suppose not.

~~~~~

So my Mom has dropped the ball. I am very grateful to have her moral support and love. But I get so mad at her bc she hasnt always made the best choices for herself and these have affected the family. I didnt get along with my Father and so I lived with her for most part. We typically get along great. But when I need her help she is the last to come forward with anything. Now its school. I asked her for my B-DAY to help pay a college fee. Well guess what? Today that fee has not been paid. And she 'cant be bothered at work'. When was my B-day? December! So now since school is so close to starting I can no longer get into a Eng class. I tested well in English. I was excited to take english...but NOOOO.

Getting my Fasfa fill out was a nightmare on its own and yet again I am having to pull the weight of a parent on my own. And if you think I am sounding like a brat then you better check yourself right now. I have paid for everything on my own for the most part since I was 16. 2 days after my 16 bday I got a job and have worked and paid for everything from cellphone, clothes, cars, insurance, rent and whatever on my own. Granted I didnt pay rent at 16, but at 19 I did.

Very rarely will my parents jump in and pay for anything. My Dad will every so often, maybe like 1x-2x a year. My Mom? She has never been able to. When she divorced my Dad that was probably the worst financial choice she ever made. But perhaps maybe the best choice she made for herself. The consequence of this is we have always been just barely been OK. Had she just stuck to what she went to school for and worked like any other Mother would we would have been better off. But my Mom has always wanted the 'sexy business woman' postions. And so it was her always making some risky career move that would force us to make so many sacrafices.

Out of all my siblings that resented her for this I always stood by her and had the attitude 'as long as you are happy' but now I am angry. I want to go to school. I know parents that beg their kids to go and offer to pay for all of it and yad yada. The only financial burden this had on her was a WHOPPING $160.00 fee that I asked her to pay for my B-DAY for fucks sake and she still managed to make this harder on me than it needed to be.

I am so fed up with this crap. I have made so mmay changes in my life for school that if I get fucked out this bc of her I will be livid. LIVID. It was never my duty to be my own parent...and people wonder why I am so bossy and a know it all. Well I would think this is partly due bc I was left to figure shit out on my own. Even this job I have, making squat diddly shit on a stick was so I could GOT TO SCHOOL. FUCK! Is it that hard? I mean do I have a right to be pissed? I dont ask for much and the little I do I am slammed for and you know what she said to me the other week? That sometimes I talk to her as if she owes me something. I asked for an example of this and she got upset and said she would point it out when it happened again. Nothing has been pointed out. Hmm I wonder if this could be her guilt of not being able to provide what she thinks she owes. Is this my problem?

Oh and I am also in the dog house bc SHE CO SIGNED on my car it dropped her credit score a bit....IS THIS MY FAULT? I'm sorry she cant get THE VERY BEST interest rate on her refi, that she'll get knocked up a few percents but that IS LIFE - right? Not everything is perfect. She should know this by now.... I would think anyways... oh and let me add she made the so sign a fucking hay day as well. And thats all she had to do to help me with the damn car.

I gotta got and deal with some fundings...
So sad how a day or even a post that stated out generally happy and is now turned to this.

Verbage

2005-07-31T22:43:00.000-07:00

I slept for the majority of the day. Now I am all wired. So I figured I'd post.

Well tomorrow I am going down to finish up my enrollment for school. Very excited. Also excited that some how I figured out how to survive working part time and having a car payment, rent and etc. I would encourage anyone to work part time. It's brought me so much peace, (sometimes boredom) but I think it might be worth it. Some people may not understand this.

I have figured out a basic school schedule. Hopefully I will have time to talk to a counselor. Or I wont, who knows.

~~~~~

Somedays I feel kind of numb. I have had a few days like that recently. Nothing seems like its worth even talking about. Kinda sad.

I would like to meet some new people. I think it would be fun. I have never made a friend from anyone that has been in any of my classes before but I am hoping that will change this semester.

I am lonely sometimes and I miss feeling close to people. I just dont want to go back to the type of life I had before.

But Jeff just called and he gives the best talks so I am going do that. I love him, he is my very best friend that lives in Ca.
Here's a pic for all of you to see

BLAHHH!

2005-07-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

I love these fairies.

Oh Gosh. I am wiped out. It's 2pm and I am still freaking tired. Went out last night and saw a kida band play that went to the same HS as me and Yazer.

It was a blast from the past! Kinda trippy, old friends I used to hang with look exactly the same. So werid.

But then I started to get bored after a few hours of being there. The friends I was with were a little drunkered so they were OK hanging. Me Ms. Driver didnt want to get totally smashed.

The weekend overall was fun though. Fri Yaz came over and we just dorked around and talked and it was a lot of fun bc we hadnt had a lot of time to just hang just the two of us, oh and wine ws involved. And Saturday Yaz came over in the morning and we made breakfast together. I learned the art of pancakes. Very nice.

I wish i had more to say. There are new pics below if you would like to sneek a peak.

Besides that all is well. I hope everyone had a good weekend too.

Maybe I will muster up a real post later.

For the curious

2005-07-29T22:37:00.000-07:00

Pics of Blake, Yazi, Myself, and my all time favorite doggy Rick James.

These are old and bad. They were taken before Yasmin left to study abroad.
B has more on his comuter, if I get a chance I put those better ones up.

A bit intoxicated at like 3am...

Blake making a funny face...

Blake and I drunkered w/ him looking kinda weird

Just a very drunk moment when I so very in love with B and Yaz.

These last 2 are my famorite bc of the memory behind it. We had just gotten back from the local water hole & Yasmin just got her cool new digital camera. So Blake took it and we started playing Mr. Photographer but uh he is not a good one -but he tried. It funny bc we were all plastered sitting on the floor, leaning on the very comfy leather couches that we could have been sitting in. But hey, we were plowed.

I am a dork ~&~ About my Dad

2005-07-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

I got up early and decided I was going to go finish up some testing today at the college and what ya know the testing center was closed!
Ha so I drove 15miles for nada. I should have called first. But I called on Tues and I thought they had said they were open Mon-Fri. Weird. Even thought that the parking lot was empty even for summer.

So Since I was in my 'old hood' I drove by my old friends house that I havent talked to since I shut down my cell phone. This was the one that thought I was trying to get a hold of her so she emailed to say 'call again' (it wasnt me in the first place) - anyways she wasnt home. And After I drove off to get back on the freeway I got a feeling that I wasnt ready for that yet anyways and I got weirded out.

So I am a werido I know, I know. Its ok though. I wont be forever.

But today for some reason I am feeling a bit better.

I really should just change my blog addy bc I started to write something about B but I am afraid he is reading so I deleted it. I even have a stat counter but ya never know. Paraniod much? Yes I am. Why? Bc he is smart and could be sneaky. He probably doesnt care. But ya never never know.

So I guess we will skip that topic...

~~~~~~~~~

Reading Rubens blog about his health issues kinda inspired me to write about my families problems....

I have never really mentioned my Dad on here. My parents divorced when I was 8. Not the nastiest divorces I have seen but bad enough that it was rough on us. My little brother was put into counseling as a little boy 6/7 years old. For some reason though we seemed younger, oh I think they put him counseling bf it was final. But they were far from being together.

But anyways, my Dad got an illness and I wont say what it was out of respect for his wishes for privacy but it affected his liver (He’s ok now). But my Dad or anyone in my family are not big drinkers. We just can't hang. I can and I like too, but I would rather come home and smoke a doobie than to crack open a 6 pack. But anyways, both of my parents aren’t big drinkers. So it wasn’t from that. Not so simple.

The Dr put him on a chemo treatment. Not the extremely harsh ones that make all of your hair fall out but bad enough he was sick from it. His hair thinned out and turned grey (we have super thick hair in family) plus he lost weight and was really skinny. That was hard, bc he seemed so human. Not my super strong Dad. He’s short(like me), but we are all pretty solid people.

Had to go to the hospital 2x One time it was after I kinda knew he was sick but I didn’t know the severity. He had to stay for over a week and he called me after his release to tell me what had happened. From what I am told one night he had a bad reaction to the chemo or something went wrong(drs don’t know) bc he passed out in the middle of chewing some food and watching football. The paramedics came and he was in the hospital for 8 days.

I never knew he was that sick. I got mad at everyone including my brother bc no one told me. My Dad almost died, stopped breathing, was turning blue when the paramedics came and had to stay in hospital for over a week. No one wanted me to know bc my Dad didn’t want visitors and knew if I knew I would go anyways. Maybe he knew inside he would be Ok and he didn’t want us to see him so sick. I don’t know. But had he died and I didn’t get my chance to say good bye I think I would be angry in some ways. I think when a parent is sick like that you need to hug and cry together. I would have been hard to see my Dad all laid up in the hospital, but at least I would know what was going on and have a chance to say something, and make some reconciliations.

We have not always gotten along. He was too structured and I was in my crazy teens and I rebelled against it. Then he got remarried and I hated all the changes. I was the girl of the house and all of a suddne I lost that. She~ was now the woman of the house. Her and I ended up not getting along, I thought that my step brothers were spoiled, and I just didnt get the same attention I once did. My freedoms were also being taken away and I hated it and caused hell. I know I didnt handle it great, but he didn’t handle it so well either. In some ways we both messed up. I was smart and just caused him hell and he caused me the same. I had my Mom I could go run to. So I did.

We didn’t talk for a while or really see each other. I think 2or 3 X-mas's & B-days went by w/o much but a card. And then we tried to be close and WHAM he was sick. Maybe he reached out to me bc he was sick and just didnt tell me right away. I don’t know. But to think I almost lost him on such bad terms kills me. You gotta mend things like that with your family bc in reality family is all that you have.

Last night I went out with him and we stuffed ourselves on Red Lobster. And I yacked his ear off. I am good at that. He did interrupt me to say that he just had a follow up (its been 3mos) and he is still healthy w/ no new signs. The grey seems to blend in better now, he has a full head of thick hair, & he put back on some weight. He looks like my Dad again. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to see and do these things with him bc I know that not everyone is so lucky.

~Random~ Every High is met with a low

2005-07-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

Well I thought I would picture post for once. I thought this was cool. Visit http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

OK well I guess my official explanantion for my cranky ass is this. Every high is eventually met with a low.
So I was on a high of like Rachael Power and now its starting to fizzle. Great eh? So my plan is that I will still be just fine, but that I may need to start thinking about how I am going to wrap up the few remaining issues with myself.
Also I need to accomplish one thing and then I can pick out my classes for school.

I was crankyYesterday

2005-07-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

for some reason. I am not sure why. I know that I kept on thinking back to all the weird dreams I had. I do hate it when I have a dream and it weirds me out enough that I cant stop from thinking about it. oiy those suck.

So I went to work, ended up hooking my phone back on after like a month of it being disconnected.

Talked to my 13 yr old cousin and told her I would come pick her and her friend up to go hang out. We rolled down Mill Ave and then we went to Dennys.YUM. Actually Dennys having a special right now, cool eh? So yeah we went to Dennys and hung out and they got to smoke cigarrettes for the first time in a public restraunt. I shouldnt let them smoke, but thier Moms know so.... Not my place? I would prefer them not, but I remember that age and how important it is to be cool. Its also a very crazy age for girls...13? The unlucky number for an unlucky time.

I was crazy at that age and sure enough I see it in them as well. You gotta see the movie 13 then I think you'll understand. FYI 13 is a dramatization so its not totally true but the concept is.
So yes we went to Dennys and then we got invite to Yasmins house. They begged to go and we did.

Then it started to get really hot at Yasmins so I brought all of us to my house. I was the first one to pass out.

So it was good times.

~~~~~

So for some reason I feel a little cranky and emotionaly stressed again today. I wonder what is wrong.
Maybe I am coming to a realization that I am alone. hmm it sucks but am I ready to face my old friends? I dont know.
I think that the issue with B is coming to mind as well. Wondering if things can be put back in their place with him or if I should just flush the project. Its funny when you are younger and have an issue things are so easily fixed and when you become an adult your issues are so magnified and complicated. Its so much easier. Maybe I lost that simplicity when I dated a much older guy.

Oh well. I want to just shake it off. All my somewhat troubling thoughts. I was so hopefull and optimistic and blah blah and now I just feel like BLAH.... ahhh what a girl to do?

Hump day again

2005-07-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

So I woke up sleeping sideways on my bed. Random but comfy....

I also had some really weird dreams about B last night. It totally weirded me out. In one of them he had a son...now thats odd.

Hmm besides that I dont have much to report. Has anyone been to myspace? well if you havent you should check it out. Its kinda cool. You can meet up with old friends there.

Well anyways, since I dont have much to say I guess thats all folks.

For now anyways.

The Good & The Bad

2005-07-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

First I would like to send a thank you to everyone that has been so kind and supportive towards me in regards to the troubles I have had. I do appreciate it.

I would like to ensure everyone that I am OK.

I know B and I think I have an idea or two whats going on with us. However, no one can be for sure and thats just the way the cookie crumbles. Time will tell.

But more importantly I know whats going on with me.

I am overall happy with myself & and everything in my life. If shit starts to slide in a direction that I dont like (including B) trust me the garbage will be taken out (it already has once). I know now that no matter what happens I will be OK. Its a feeling that I havent had in a while and its so awesome.

If B gets weird, shady, or whatever then he will go on his way and I will on mine. Of course I will be sad but not to same degree I would be as when this all first happened. I dont have much to loose and a lot to gain.

I dont know how it all worked but I woke up one day and decided I was not going to be bothered so much about things that I have no control over. I just won't. And it worked and it changed my perspective.

And in a weird way I have learned so much from these situations. It was something that needed to happen. I am not so reliant on my relationship w/ B to be happy. It has been a while but I am happy all by myself. Usually I would be upset that things between him and I were not perfect and blah blah. But no, thats not how I am thinking. I wake up every day and feel good regardless of how that situations sits at the time. And the few times I do get bothered it passes quickly.

For once in my life I am on my own. I harldy talk to any of the people I did 1 or 2 mos ago. The friends I have are few but I dont care. I am happy. I dont have drama & I only worry about myself. I love my job and the few friends I have gained there and I am having fun hanging out with my family. It probably sounds dumb but it is what it is. My life is so simple and yet so refreshing. In some ways I miss going out with the girls, but that in itself was drama half the time too.

Also, I have been rebuilding relationships I have with my family. They all thought I hated it here and thats why I never came home and was always at his house. And maybe in ways I didnt like it here, I dont know. But my Mom and I are becoming closer again. Taylor and I are getting along pretty well and my sister and I are friends. Her and I haven't always been very close or friends, but we are working on it. And most importantly we are working on being a family together, getting along, basic life lessons & regaining closeness.

At one point Taylor was moved out, we never saw him, Sweeten my Sis was in Utah and we never saw her. It was only Mom and myself that made up the family. And then WHAM Sweeten was moving home to Az and was moving in till she got on her feet. Tay got kicked out of my Dads after he and his friends decided to go back home to their parents. And all of a sudden its a full house in like less than 2 mos. And it rocks, I come home and I always have someone to hang out with and when the house is empty I get bored sometimes but I just spend time talking to friends and vegging out.

I cant describe it any other way besides that. I do feel bad though bc yesterday I got an email from my old friends and they were asking me if I had been trying to reach them bc they got some calls, but they didnt have the right number and to call them again and leave the right number.

But I was not the one calling.

I dont know if this was a trick to get me to talk to them or what. I told my motha and she said sounds like they are trying to reunite. I think they have been all along though, it cant think of one week that i didnt get some type of email.

But I still think I want to be alone for a while longer. On my own free of social stress from them. I know its random to hear that someone just changed their number on their own social circle but I did. I couldnt stand what was happening. There were issues between M and I. J got involved and made them worse. And then everyone associated with either side of the story got involved. uhhh no thanks. I had enough going on. The only person I remained in contact was w/ B. And that itself was shitty. So we broke up for a week and I really spent some time on my own not talking to anyone and did some real thinking and soul searching. And I came out with this totally different attitude.

But anyways, I dont really know how to respond to my old friends. Even if I wanted to be part of the gang again I will get shit and guilt trips for going on my own and leaving them high and dry. I dont know if they will get the amount of stress it caused me to be friends with them with everything else I had on my plate. Dont they get when people have a hard time in life it serious shit? I felt like I was having a mid-life crisis. And they were still trying to drag me into drama land. I couldnt do it. I needed a break. But anyways, thats all for now. I want to go sit on my new couches bf I gotta go to work. :) they are comfy.

Oh and I ended at 86 hits for yesterday, where are all these peoples? HELLO?

Checking in

2005-07-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

The rest of my wkend was pretty good. Sat I hung out and slept. Then sunday my Mother and I went shopping. First went to Wally Mart and then had luncg. Stopped home, and then went out and bought furniture. Got new sets for the both the living and family room. The one room got italian black leather sofa and love seat. Much deserved bc my mother had to wait a while to refurnish the casa.

So that is coming today. Very excited to see how it all matches. Besides that not much else going on. Was up way late yapping on the phone w/ a friend.

My Sis and I hung out last night as well. That was nice. So besides that everything is all good. Probably write more later. Got some mail to go through.

Hope all had a wonderful weekend,

oh I am at 45 hits for the day yesterday was 72....why not more comments? Say hi, list your opinion, or whatever. I'm nice and dont bite. Plus to have more blogs to read is always good. I need a few to add to my rounds!

Seeing Blake

2005-07-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

So last night I saw Blake. In some ways it was magical and I got everything I had wished for. However I now look back and regret that my wish wasn't more precise.

I walked in his house and he looked beautiful. We gave each other long meaningful hugs. I heard some nice things that I wanted to hear. We embraced for a while and did all those little lovey type things that people do like smelling each other, rubbing faces, stroking, kisses on the side of the mouth and etc.

Ahh but then he pulled away.

And he wanted to know what I was thinking & how I felt abput everything. Sometimes in moments like those I would like to just go with the moment and then other times at least I know where we stand.

We talked, and we are not back together in the sense we have functioning healthy relationship.
We made some (I thought) progress and that was good, but we have not made full amends and I am not so sure that we will.

He said he still loves me, that we have a great connection that he hasn't had as strong ever before, that I am beautiful, we make the best love together (I'm better than anyone else he's ever had he's 33 and has some experience in that area), and that he wants me in his life in some way. And yet we are broken up.

However, from what I gathered from him is that it's hard for him to say that he is still in love with me but there were some contradictions (I personally think he still is bc of everything we have said and been through). I know Blake and we have gone through these bumps before. The only thing that I know about them is that Blake is a very sensitive person. And after being so overwhelmed he has to unhook, in which he is somewhat cold and tries to block out anything that could cause him to feel any real emotion.

Perhaps normal people go through this as well and don't even realize it bc they know how to manage it. But Blake doesn't, or he is one of a few that stress effects him and everyone around him extremely hard.

After our talk last night we went and just laid down and snuggled, and rolled around w/o doing much and then it lead into you know what....
We fell asleep all snuggled up and it was great to fall asleep to pleasant smell of Blake.

Last night and the better half of the morning was so great, close, and wonderful even though it wasn't under the greatest of circumstances. However later in the morning Blake got overwhelmed and started to have some anxiety. When that happens he is very hard to deal with. I tried to talk to him and he was kinda on the closed off but we did a little.

He said what happened between us wasn't what he had expected. But then I don't know what he was expecting since he wanted me to hang out and get a little intoxicated w/ him and also his roommate that never leaves the house was on his way out as I came in. So makes me wonder. But anyways, during our talk right bf I left I looked him straight in the eye & I swear I saw some emotion. He was even kinder and more gentler when I was leaving than he has been in the past when he was so ovewhelmed with anxiety.

As I was leaving & approaching the door I looked at him and said you/we have gone thru this in the past... and he responded but I cant remember exactly with what so therefore trying to guess would not do it justice. He but responded and I felt like there was a silent understanding that we've done it bf maybe we can again, we will see if that was in my head or it was really something I picked up on.

We might get together again to race go carts this weekend, but then we might not. We will see.

Parts of me would like to move on and start over. I pretty much have with every other aspect of my life. And I think most people would say that I should do. However this is choice that its mine and of course his. I don't know what the future holds for us. I really don't. However I think that if we were meant to be over than we wouldn't have all those feelings still and allow ourselves to be close like we were. But then again it could be something hard to let go so easily. There has to be something on either end to tango, that much I know.

He said that he has been thinking about me and missing me, he even said I've been in quite a few of his dreams. Why he told me I had been in his dreams I don't know bc when I asked what they were about he said he could really remember. I think he did, but he just didn't want to tell me what they were for whatever reason. And any guy that reads this is probably going to think that they were sex dreams. I think there was more to it than that bc I would think he would have just said so. Blake doesn't beat around the bush. But I didn't have them so I don't know for sure...

So I have learned this once, and maybe we will have refresher that getting back together can be harder than breaking up. I'm sure there are more lessons. However, what the final result will be is still unkown to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wonder if his issues will ever subside to the point that we can live and love stress free for longer periods than 6mos. He says he doesn't want the drama but from my perspective he's the one that causes it or doesn't deal with it in the best sort of ways. I know that I am not perfect and so I am to blame as well. I think that I have also grown so much from this last ordeal that I am better suited to deal.

In some ways I don't think Blake could find anyone quite like me. I am open enough to accept him the way he is and love him for it anyways. I know most other woman would run screaming in the other direction once they saw what it can be like. But I am so loyal and die hard if you will that I cant just say bye and turn away from a person I love so deeply.

Blakes lifestyle and his age don't really match. He does not act like a normal mature 33, going on 34 yr old man. I think he knows this, and he has found a nitch of guys that were all bachelors as well. But they are all now starting to settle down. He has one left that that hasn't. And what a surprise that's who he has been hanging out with.

This guy was also dating a younger girl and had been for some time. They are still together as far as I know and probably will be for a while more but cohabitating for them didn't work and whatever. She's cuter than he is and plus she has her age that he does not. Not to sound bad. But its the truth.

Mature age has appeal no doubt but most men generally like younger woman and a man that is loosing his youth is going to loose the ability to attract youth. Especially when he doesn't have much more to offer (not directing that towards anyone, just a general statement). Most woman wouldn't put up with their lifestyles. I think anyways. And then you zero down on the baggage, mental stability, financial stability, looks, and compatibility/connections -on both sides the fish pond shrinks quite a bit.

I think it goes both way, the men that are left are fucked up and the woman are left to weed through garbage to find a good man. The same with men, they have to weed through garbage to find a good girl. Weeding is for all age groups, but the ratio you find - bad vs good tips to the negative side the older you get.

But anyways I wonder if there is a single woman out there that is more perfect for Blake that will put up his shit, his partying, his room mate, his anxiety, his no mercy fighting style, and all the other quirks and flaws that make him who he is and still make out in one piece & heart intact. And there is no changing B. I would advise to not even try. But don't get me wrong, the good things about Blake are great and sky high, but the bad are a lot & hard to handle. He would need a very very strong woman that is very independent & that has a big heart all in one.

Not one woman that I have ever talked to would stick through what I have. I wish that somewhere there was a woman so devoted as myself so we could have comfort with eath other. But then again I am a loner and Blake (a loner as well) was the first person(on any level) that I have ever wanted to give my entire self to. (some might just read this scoff bc of my age, perhaps I shouldnt list it).

Maybe there is a more perfect girl out here in AZ somewhere and when Blake meets this perfect girl maybe he will want to change and stay that new person on his own. But for some reason seeing that he's been in so many serious relationships, loved and dated so much I doubt it he will change for anyone. His age alone would not allow much of it and the fact he is so head strong would make it nearly impossible in my opinion.

Me on the other hand: I know that I could move on if I wanted too. And like I said in some ways I do, bc being a loner comes natural to me when Blake is not in the picture, when he is I am more of a lover towards him. I know I am pretty enough, smart enough, kind/sharing enough that I could find love again. There's no doubt. But I don't like making mistakes and don't like having regrets. Today and yesterday when things that were said that normally would have made me feel emotional I was stayed numb and it passed through me w/o much reaction. And I don't want to turn away on something that I love so much and just might be strong enough to handle.

But we will see what happens.

re: Adjusting

2005-07-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

My friend has a blog and today I checked it and I found something that I didnt like so i wrote back to her and added my 2 cents to some of things that she said. Read below are parts of her post and then the bold is parts of what I wrote back to her..

Adjusting
I am slowly adjusting to being back in AZ, but that doesn't mean I am having a good time doing it. The past few days have been interesting to say the least. Let's see where do I start?
'...It seems as though the people that I have seen and that are happy are the ones that I enjoy being around...'

Wow yasmin. Seems like you are really 'understanding'. As much as you think whatever about me and my situation I actually have been just fine. I know whats on my plate and its great. Its mind over matter. Which I decided sun/mon that I was not going to be sad about anything. I had a bad first day or so but what could anyone expect? I dont think its even been an issue bc I havent laid anything on you at all. You called 1x when I was upset on Saturday and I got off the phone. Thats it. I have been hanging out with my family and having a good time w/ them. I have not been avoiding you to hang bc i am at home depressed. Its bc i am at home enjoying the people that matter most, my family. And I'm sorry but I am not going to chase you around. You want to hang out I'm sure you will call.

It's funny coming back to a life that you had almost forgotten about. My time in Australia was so stress free and I had little obligation to anyone. I really enjoyed that, but being back home I come to realize that there are a few people who let me off the hook fore the past 6 months because I was in Australia and now they are ready to expect things from me.

I dont think anyone expects much besides friendship. Not everyone sat with you in those counseling meetings. I did and I try to understand and its still hard. I think you are seeing all these things you havent seen in a long time and its foriegn to you. So therefor its off balance from what you are used to. Also letting you off the hook? I think that people probably had better things to do than to track your ass down when you are in another country. Just like your life went on so did life in America. Life has not frozen, you arent going back in time by being here. People went to bed and woke up every day and experienced life just like you did. I think that everyone has had oppertunity to change, learn and grow just like you. Only difference is you were in a whole new culture..

I wish that I could figure out a better way to describe this feeling, but it's hard. I think that the best way for everyone to deal with me right now is to not expect much from me. Especially things that you once did expect because in a way I am a very different person these days.

You may want to be careful with this. I know you think you have it all figured out right now but there might be a time when you think that you may want to be friends w/ people again. You have lived out of the country for 6mos, and if you are still so distant you might loose friends or closeness that you later might want again w/ certain people.

I am not saying I will not be your friend and be by your side, but in some ways I refuse to be treated as I once let people treat me.

Not even sure where this directed. But I dont think anyone treated you badly except you know who. You have always been a head strong, dominent, bossy person and I seriously doubt you let yourself be walked on. But whatever you want to think go ahead. I wont stop you.

Oh yeah and please lay off the guilt trips. You never called enough or write enough. . well get over it I was busy. I refuse to feel guilty when life is always a 2 way street. People could have called me or written to me more. I know I wasn't the best at always responding, but remember I had another life. Yeah complete with a group of friends, family, school, and a home. I had things that were more important that sitting at a computer talking to people. You know like real human interaction. Well enough with all that, let me get to the good stuff.

Everyone else had lives that went on well after you left. People were busy too. But the difference is that myself and whoever else made time to sit down and write to you, get calling cards, and pay money to keep in contact whatever it was that they did. I know you did to a point with me, but I also know that you were unavailable at times as well. I know there were many times that I didnt email you or call you bc I was wrapped up in my life here and then it would come to me that I hadnt made an effort in a while or even read your blog bc life goes on with or with out you. So to say that you were busy makes you look kinda like an ass bc so was everyone else. I know I was.

I dont think people are meaning to make you feel bad. I def have not and dont care too. You were gone for so long. I can continue to live and love my life as if you were still gone. Which in a way you are bc you seem like you are trying to recreate your life in australia here. Good or bad it is what it is. I'm all for you to bring the good things back. But dont let it consume your life as if it was total crap bf you left. Its mind over matter. And if you want to think that your life was crap then fine go right ahead bc your life would have been crap in Australia sooner or later too, as well as it will follow you where ever you go. I respect it that you have so much love for your life there. Now its time to love & live your life here. You have no other option. And if you think your life wont change again you are wrong. Your friends from there will go back to their lives in flag and wherever. I am sure you will all be friends but they had lives bf and I am sure they are going to get back in the groove of things as you are too. Not that you will forget about each other or anything like that you will always be close to the people that you went through that with but at the same time dont replace what you had. I think you should make room for both, you will come around get more used to it here.

One thing that I really miss about Australia is that during the whole time I was there every time that I went out drinking I never woke up the next day worrying about what I had said. For some reason I always knew whatever happened was cool. I think there have been 2 nights out of my 7 nights that I have woken up and kinda knew I had said/done something that I shouldn't have. Oh well, not that it matters I guess it is better to be honest and let people know how I stand with them and where I would like to stand. In other news. . .

Maybe its best if you just keep things to yourself until you have had some time to really form thoughts and opinions that are going to stick around. You just got back and you are far from being completely readjusted. So till you have everything in your head straight and relaxed dont cause issues and drama bc you think this way and whatever bc you will level out. You went from one extreme to another you will eventually fall back on to some middle ground.

2005-07-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

I just washed my car and what ya know a few hours later a dust storm rolls in and dirties my car. Just the luck!

NEWS

2005-07-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

UK police: Latest bombers failed
LONDON, England (CNN) -- Two weeks to the day after the July 7 London bombings, attackers tried -- and failed -- to set off explosive devices at three Tube stations and on a double-decker bus.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/07/21/london.tube/index.html

This chick has a pic of herself w/ cum on her face, but its not in english. Never push next blog button.

http://monolingua.blogspot.com/

FIVE TIPS FOR A WOMAN....

2005-07-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Stolen from the blog of:
http://exseno.blogspot.com/

random work

2005-07-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

I have ran out things to do at work, actually I didn't. BRB

So tomorrow I will have the company SUV for a bit to run someone to the airport. How cool is that? I wont be able to drive it a lot but it rocks that I do at all.

So I felt like posting but I don't have much to say. I kinda wish I could have a job like this and would not have to worry about everything else.

I am here to keep people happy, answer the phones, feed the fish, misc stuff and smile. On an average day I will sit here at the puter, walk around and talk to people, feed the fish and sort and handle the fundings. Its very relaxed. I don't stare at the clock and wait for it to say 5. Some of the rich guys are stuffy but then some are like the owner/boss who was born into a poor family, so he's very down to earth. He will come in to the office sometimes in sweats and a t-shirt and is very laid back. So I think this is a big contributing factor to my blogging a lot. I got nothing to do. So this week actually as blown bye quickly.

Odd Call

2005-07-20T22:23:00.000-07:00

So Yasmin calls me this afternoon telling me that my old friend Megan emailed her asking for my blog address. I havent talked to this girl in like...I dont even know a month, and then we exchanged a few emails over a week or 2 ago. But I thought this was very weird and Yasmin thought it was really weird too. Yasmin and Megan know each other pretty much through me. And Yasmin has been in Australia for like 6mos. She does know of this falling out and wants nothing to do with it. She wasnt friends with Megan really and just doesnt want any drama.

I def do not want her to have this blog addy. This has become my little safe place to rant and vent. I dont want it invaded by Megan
A.) bc we arent good friends anymore
B.) It's none of her damn business,

Either she & Jen are that bent about us not being friends or they are nosy... probably both. She had to have known that Yasmin would tell me though, kinda odd. I'm sure she knows about how B & I broke up and maybe she wants to see what I will say about it so she can tell some of the other girlfriends or Jen and they can have something to gossip about. Screw that monkey shit. I so dont even want to go there. I never wanted to be 'in' that clique bc it was just gossip/drama fest. So I never reached out to them. Which in a way just made it harder. oH wEll

So I emailed her I said I thought that was weird to email Yasmin and ask for my blog address. She said she 'wasnt thinking'. Hopefully she didnt figured it out and is reading.

This just kinda adds to the thought that I probably should change the web address and pick out a new name so cant be found.
I really didnt want to do that though. I contemplated changing it so B couldnt read it and then I was just like oh fucking well. So I should just blow her off too.

I am OK with my life right now. I like that I am making friends at work and its turning into play time. I've liked hanging with my family. My Sis and I are starting to be better friends. Which her and I have not always been on great terms. I go back to school so soon and I'm sure I will be around tons of cool new people. There are a lot of good things happening right now. Oh! I got my appeal letter aproved. Things are looking up for me. Finally. And I like the direction my life is headed.

I do kinda wonder what Jen thinks of me just taking off like that though. I was very upset with what happened with them. I needed to be alone for a while. I needed to figure some shit out and I really have. I dont even feel like the same person is some ways. Like all this was a huge lesson that I gained so much insight from. Still sucks how it happened. But, I hope that it doesnt sound gay or cheesy but I really think I have gained some wisdom. I havent sorted it all out in ways to describe it or explain but its there...I dont know -I feel stupid so I am just going to leave it at that bf I look like more of an idiot.

But hopefully that makes sense somewhat?

Well I guess its time for bed time.

Off early!

2005-07-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

And going to HAPPY HOUR w/ coworkers, yay!

Goodmorning, It's Hump Day

2005-07-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

The past two days we have had all the Earnhardt dealerhsip managers in my office for traning. I wonder if any of these people are some of B's friends bosses. He has a lot of friends that work w/ cars and such here in az.
Interesting Interesting.

Today I am tired. I think the lack of sleep is catching up with me. I woke up and ohh it was hard. I need to go to bed earlier. But last night I was up talking with Yasmin.

She crashed down on some of my school plans. Dont you hate that?

Paradise Bakery's muffins suck ass. We ordered some for the office...ewww. They are gross.

OK well I think I am going to leave this as short one bc I aint got shit to say!

2005-07-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

Came across a newbie that has some potential.... read on
http://divine8madness.blogspot.com/

So here it is with just 10 min

2005-07-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

before I leave. hmm, I kinda miss working full time. I do think that I am very lucky to work where I do. I am starting to fit in and come out of my shell. Everyone seems to talk to me a bit more. Maybe its bc Katie is gone. I dont know. This guy I works close to me is pretty cool. We have been talking and stuff since I've been here and today he brought me a nug. Its cool to talk to someone during the day at work as a friend.I havent been friends with people at work since...over a year ago. The job I had bf I went to the U-CanSuckIt.

well time to go C ya

Feelen Good

2005-07-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

with my red lacy boy shorts on today ;)

Today is so far so good. I knew it would be better than yesterday. Oh gawd yesterday was shitty. But anyways I would like to thank everyone for the kind thoughts on Melancholy Madness (the other blog). Much appreciated.

Life is interesting how it works. Anything can take you by surprise. Sometimes when you fall down, it's how you pick yourself up that counts. I felt like I was at a low that I haven't visited in a while. I pushed people away and the few people that I had left I just ignored. Who knows. But I know now that I am ok. I've come so far that I have to be proud of myself. Now if school decides to crap out on me then I was meant to do something else. That's just way the cookie crumbles. But now I know that I am going to be OK. Writing has helped a lot. Almost everything I have felt has been written down. Some things I have kept to myself and most I have opened up for all to see. I don't feel like I have much to hide. I am who I am. And I am a good, strong, beautiful person. I don't want to sound full of it, I have my down falls too. But I have a big heart, an honest mouth, and a loyal conscience, and a fun smile.

I heard a saying once about falling on shit and still coming out smelling like roses. I would like to turn this bump in the road into something like that. And in some ways if nothing else 'good' happens I have the lessons that I have learned. That in itself is great. And let me promise this, I have def. learned a few lessons this time around. About myself, other people, and life in general. I am thankful for that.

I have no idea what life has in store for me. I could end up anywhere. I don't have much holding me down. No kids, no boyfriend, no pets, and basically no obligation at all. I can do anything. So we will see where I will end up.

I played in the rain

2005-07-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

Just a bit. I wanted to make sure my sun roof was closed. Or whatever roof that opens up and you can pop your head out. Moon or Sun? Well anyways someone once told me I had a leak in it. Or it wasn't air tight or something and it was raining hard and I wanted to make sure my baby was OK. Tomorrow I think I am going to shampoo my car carpet or whatever its called. I have a wet dry vac. Its awesome. Its actually a 'shop vac' and its heave duty shit yo.

About the rain; when I went outside I stood in rain and then kinda splashed around in it real quick. It was fun.

I also had a heart to heart with my mother. Made me feel good.

I've wanted a dog for a little while now. A puppy :) and I am kicking it around. I probably wont bc he wouldn't have any friends and I am not home enough, but I would really like one. Maybe I should think about that when I am sober. But I love animals.

My dogs are old and permanent residence's at my Fathers house. I love them to death, but dont see them as much an I would like.

I dont know where I am going with this post so I should stop. And I need to go to bed.

I thought I had some words of wisdom but I dont. But heres some alternatives:

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
King Whitney Jr.

The more things change, the more they remain... insane. Michael Fry and T. Lewis, Over the Hedge, 05-09-04

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
James A. Baldwin

A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.
Anatole France (1844 - 1924)

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. C. P. Snow (1905 - 1980)

Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
Erica Jong, O Magazine, February 2004

The enthusiasm of a woman's love is even beyond the biographer's.
Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Mansfield Park

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
Wally 'Famous' Amos (1936 - )

Life is just one damned thing after another.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

Bad day

2005-07-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

Oh god today was a nightmare. Caused me to have a slight freak out. I had 2 bundles of checks to do today on my own. Mondays Katie helps me bc there is so much to do.

I kept on getting distracted and bothered. And I miscounted on something. We had like over 160 checks. If that doesn't sound like much then imagine stacks inches thick. If one gets lost we are fucked. But anyway it was a nightmare. Tomorrow will be OK though. For some reason I just know this.

Seems as though people like my depressed blog. Its kinda odd. I guess sorrow loves company. Or people love to read about it. I do too. I would love to find some crazy girls blog to read. I like the juicy stuff. Anyways I hate that blog. I don't think it will be up for long. Just doesnt seem like me. I am so much stronger than that.

I am doing OK with everything. Dont know what to think about B.

I would really enjoy clobbering megan and taking out all of my anger on her stinky face.
I never should have given her chance to smoke me w/ her tears.

Anyways. I need to call SCC tomorrow and find out about my letter.

I forgot to go see someone at work bf I left bc I was in a hurry, so I hope they still want to give me some smokey smokey. ;)
I think I need to go smoke some smokey smokey.

I have some plans of leaving if I don't get into school. Yasmin said its the best way to handle shit.
I could easily just work full time, pay off my debts, get the key marks fixed and sell it and then go buy a plane tick and C YAH! So we will see how SCC works out tomorrow.

I am still so pissed about my car getting keyed, make me want kick my door in and rip off my spoiler.

Oh god that could be the cherry on the cake. If I don't get into school I will be gone or just fucking crazy from all the stress. I kid you not. I have no money to pay for school myself. I could get reimbursed but I just don't have the money to front that.

I sometimes feel like yelling at god till he notices me and telling him a thing or two. When I picture myself doing it I am outside and yelling at him and shaking my hands at him.
ha ha. I thought it was funny.

I better have a few smooth riding months coming up though. I think that's only fair.

But I am serious about getting out of here. In some ways I think that might be better for me than school. Like in Australia I can get a working Visa for 1 whole yr for. Just go away for a bit and travel and see what else is out there. I know what's out there though. There are just more dumb people.... people are fucking unloyal and selfish. Its like I see right through people or I totally underestimate them. Most of the time they are just dumb. Oh well. I am going to go look at phone prices and see what's the best deal and get a damn phone tomorrow after I hear what SCC says.

Maybe more later.

its early

2005-07-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

But I made it. I really have no clue what I am going to do all day today. Ummm yeah. I dont even know what I am going to do to get through this mornoing! Let alone the entire day/week. My boss is gone so i have no one to hang with at work. :(

My Mom is funny. She called me a skank this morning and then I pulled out a travel cup and it was screwed up and I asked her what happened. Her reply was I put it into the micrwave. I said 'oh well you cant put these cups in the micrwave they have metal on them', she said 'I know Rachael, i figured that out'. Ha ha. she almost blew the thing up.
I'm not sure why, but my Mother can make me laugh quicker than anyone I know. Her mannerisms are just so funny. She gets mad at me when I laugh at her and she doesnt get why she is so funny.

ehh, today is going to be a long day. It's going to be a long week. fuck n shit man.

oh, i was thinking about something lastnight. Last I talked to megan was over email in which she gave me the scoop that her and dude got it on and yada yada. I had told her that I wanted her to clear this whole thing up w/ him and she was 'yes, yes, but I never heard anyhting about it again. She never emailed me to tell me what happened. I didnt email her either. So screw all of them She kinda let the situation unravel. What a bitch. I think that I might want to tell her I how I think that shes a puking whore, and a fake ass bitch.

Well I gave my blog address to a friend thats going to start reading today. I kinda am ify on how I feel about it but its a little late now.
Ok well I think thats all for now. i might be posting EVEN MORE this week bc I am having to get up at the crack of dawn.

Stormy day & yammers

2005-07-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

They are even evacuating as close as Cancun Mx bc of the weather. Crazy.

Ironic I was thinking of getting my car washed.

I was driving home today when the storm got bad. I was trying really hard to keep my car on the road at the time. Garbage and debris was flying all around and something kinda big even smacked my windshield.

Crazy how everytime it gets stormy I am having a rough time.

I think I have said this before on this but when was little I used to think that I could control the wind. My father wanted to name me April Wind (lastname) so I could be 'free as the wind'. But my mother thought it was too hippy. They had a drawing for my name and out came Rachael. So Mom met my Dad in the middle and converted Wind to Wynne -pronounced 'Win'. Its kinda like Lynne but with W. Since I knew this back ground on my name, I thought I had magic powers to control the wind. Smart kid eh? I was like 5. hmm so I still think about that when it gets stromy. kinda random.

Anyways, I am doped up right now. I love Mazzy Star. I wish I knew more about them a while back. I added it to my music link. I feel like having a drink and dancing around to it... Doesn't everyone do that sometimes?

I've always wanted to got to an old blue grass bar and get tanked and dance around there. i think it would be fun....

hmmm so....

I think that I am going to buy some canvas and start to paint. Or maybe I will finish the one on my wall. hmm I don't know. But I feel very peaceful right now...

anyways, I have to go and return a call and I gotta get up early tomorrow for the first time in forever.

I don't think there will be any dancing around tonight.

And I don't think there is anything wrong w/ smoking weed. Everything I do is in moderation and for recreation. I have no problem. Plus it helps me think sometimes.

Someone told me my right boob called them, and they asked how thet were doing. how funny.

Oh I need to get a phone activated this week, maybe tomorrow.

ok bye

this might sounds self absorbed

2005-07-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

But I was looking at myself in the foldy mirrors and I really am a cute girl.
The halloween pick is not the best but it works till i get something else up.

But I have cute little lips, and a cute nose, with 'i see right through you' green eyes complimented w/ nice eye brows. Also I have long pretty hair thats straight and a small curvy body w/ big titties.

I'll be OK. I just need to remember this.

hmmm dont have one

2005-07-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

Well today I am ok. I am going to a bbq and then maybe to a show.

I am into Mazzy Star. I just ripped the CD.

Well I dont have much to say. The weekend is almost over and I have to work full time this week. More money, less sleep time.

Besides that jsut rolling with the punches.

Hard times

2005-07-16T19:00:00.000-07:00

Well I have a blog that is specifically for things that are going to be a bothersome for me to go back and read. I like this blog enough that I would like to keep it untainted by my more sad, down entries. I dont know how long I will post in it, if it will stick around or what. I may take it down when I no longer am sad about things that are going on. It's more for myself but I have it open for whoever would like to read it.

Today has been a rough day. But I am feeling more optimistic over all. Jeff gives the best talks. I think thats why we will always be great friends. Today I called him bc we hadnt talked in a bit and when he called me back and asked what was going on the water works started all over again. It's hard to talk about what has happened with out getting upset. But when rational Rachael popps back in everything seems like it will work out.

I dont know where Blake will sit in my life from this time foward. I had hoped that he would always be in it bc I loved him so much. But it looks like there is not place for each other in both of our lives. Perhaps there is a more perfect girl out there waiting for him. Or maybe there is not. Either way I dont want to EVER know about any other girls in his life. I would go nuts and thats not fair to think about it. I think he was my first real love and he has chosen to go on his own way. Perhaps there are more people that I am to meet. However I will not lie, I feel as though I am ripped open & will now be jaded. I have really loved and lost and I think that has some type of wear and tear on your own being.

But I need to focus on myself now. I think that I am going to continue not talking to megan for this reason. I dont want to know about Blake. She caused me some issues. Had she not been so two faced perhaps this whole thing wouldnt have dominoed onto us. But then again if we were not strong enough to get through it then there were some other problems. But we were all in love bf all this. I dont know. I need to focus on school and work and making -->me<-- happy. I think that I wont take a math course this semester. I am a math retard and I will need help with that one. I keep on thinking that in as little as a year and half I could be working as a nurse making way better money. Its just getting though these times to get there.

I am a good person and deserve good things to happen to me. I really do. I have lost these past few weeks that it can only get better. I cant see it getting worse.

This has been my life:
Got sick
Lost job
Found Job
Job didnt work out
Decided to back to school
Found new job
Lost some friends
Family issues
Lost blake

Every set back has been followed by a new gain. So if I keep on doing what I should be then I will be fine. I wont feel so devasted forever. Just a small while until I get things back in working order. Perhaps all these things that I see as a loss are actually a gain in hiding. I will see what the future holds as soon as I get there.

I remeber the last time this happened. I thought my life was falling apart. I lost my job, Cary and I split up, I stopped hanging out with the people we were friends with and I thought that my life was over. Little did I know months later I would meet make new friends, meet blake, get comfortable in a job, buy a new car, rekindle a friendship, & fall in love. This will happen again.

Cary and I were done months bf we threw in the last towl. We were done 3mos into it. For some reason we didnt let it go. So it wasnt such a shock as this but we were done. Now I see Cary and I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I was sooo cute with a littler body, cute face, nice tits, and a fun personality. I could have had anything and anyone. But thats ok. I was into dumb ass. Thats the way it was meant to happen. After getting fucked around I moved on in an unofficial way and started over. And then the last fight happened and I was ok.

Sometimes I wonder if I gave to much of myself to my relationship. Maybe I should have put my foot down on things and had more Rachael time & did more things for me. I dont know. I was in love. But I know that I am a patient, good person, who gave a lot of myself to that other person. That wasnt bad. Thats what I was meant to do. I have a new path now. So I gotta get going on it.

Also I have been trying hard to stay away from drama. I think I've done well. Besides the obvious. Its hard not to get emotional though. I'm extra sensetive bc I am a little off balance but since things in that area are getting better I have a firmer grip on what I am being sensetive about and whats really upsetting. I admit that I was extra sensetive and maybe that turned him away but that was me going through hard times. I cant say anything besides that and I am sorry. But I dont have a good control of it and its hard.

So perhaps there is a new life just waiting to be found bc thats the only thing that could happen at this point. I am not going down with this. I am good person, a good girlfriend, a good friend, and a smart & giving girl. I have a lot of great things that I should not let these people have the best of me. I can only be who I am and rise above all this. And I am good at it.

Girl stuff

2005-07-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

So today started off OK. I went to work and everything seemed fine.
Since I have been sick I have not cycled normally in a few months. When the severe pains that were kinda like cramps but worse that started on wed I had no idea what was wrong with me and was almost ready to take myself to hospital. But they didnt worsen and went away.

Then I got these horrible pains again today. One of my big bosses is a nurse and I explained to her my history. She explained to me that with my illness and my lack of girl cycling that I probably have clots. Not uncommon. But very painful. She said they were probably sitting on top of my cervix. Since they werent passing they started to cause an irratation after time, which may have caused me to start to dialate. Like when woman start to go into labor. So thats supposedly why I was in so much pain. I'm sure it didnt to the full 10centimeters, but probably just enough so that it could pass through. I never doubted labor was painful but now I have a little example as to how bad it probably feels. My god I never want kids, OR give me drugs!

It was so bad that I left work early and came home. Even driving was hard and I started to cry in the car. I was a speed demon and pushed my luck. I was not involved in the two accidents that happened right in front of me thankfully.

When I got home, I tried to lay down but couldnt so I made a bath as hot as I could stand it and got in and soaked myself. I was still in pain, but I had taken some aspirin and it started to fade. I laid myself out on the couch and let it run its course. Afterwards I went to Yasmins just a bit to say hi.

But even though this sounds bad it's actually a good thing. The bleeding was my body's way of cleaning itself. It may even give my cycle the kick in the ass it needed. So my womanly parts might start to operate on their own. This is very cool. It may not start a cycle, I think it's not bc the bleeding seemed to have stopped. But I'll be on one bc of a different type of treatment I might start in Auguest.

After I came home from Yasmins I laid down some more and passed out. Now at waking up at 9:20 I think that I am home bound. There's always tomorrow.

OK no more sleep for me :(

2005-07-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

I am trying to put my blog back up. I started to take it down and then I was like screw that. This is mine!

So I am slowly but surely putting back all my old posts. Its kinda funny. I wont post everything I write, I'll save it as a draft and then when I go through my cycles of taking this down and putting it back up. Well when I am going back and adding my posts & I'll read something that I didnt want to post a while ago for whatever reason and then i'll be all 'fuck it, why not?'

ha ha. ah. I thought its was kinda weird funny!

Anyways,
Yazi came back early. Hung out with her all night. We went to the Grocery Store at like 230am and went shopping. Are we dorks or weirdos? It was creepy. I wouldnt recommend shopping at night. But overal it was a good times.

I figured since I blab so much about B I should give an update. But I dont have much of one. I guess you can take that for whatever its worth. I still love him but I don't know what else to say. Yasmin asked what was going on and I didn't really have an answer prepared. So I just said we are not on good terms. So where ever that leads I really have no I idea. Love is never a guarantee. I kinda thought that my love was , but its not. That just makes the pain worth the pleasure. To feel close to someone. It doesn't seem like I have a bf right now but I know I am not free to go do whatever. Or at least at this point I'm not. I wouldn't anyways.

Everyone wants to give their opinion. I don't like hearing other peoples opinion that he's cheating on me, just dump him, he shouldn't do that, or he just doesn't have the balls to dump you and yada yada. I don't like your opinions. I have my own that I am trying to manage and I don't need someone telling me bad shit. I know how my shit stinks, you aint got to tell me. I know but thanks.
I know everyone tries to help but no don't help. I'm a big girl and can get it done. I know better than anyone how bad its stinks. No need to remind. I don't say things to persway people that what I think is right. I always try to give humble advise when I do. I know what its like so I am not going to return the ugly favor. I try anyways. And don't pretend your shit is perfect bc we all know its not. Everyone has 'issues' so don't think you are all that and then some, bc I will be the first to wave around the big bull shit flag. I'm not perfect and neither are you so sit down and shut up. Everything will come together.

I kinda have this thing in my head. Some girls when they dump or get dumped will run out and hook up w/ someone they have been keeping tabs on or will just live single bc its easier than sitting at home and crying. I've done it. It doesn't work so well. You think it doesn't. But even after you 'break up' with someone I would still wait at least a few weeks to start 'chilling' w/ someone else unless the cirmumstances were like one cheated on the other or whatever. But if its a break up w/ a lot of uncertainty or emotion then I would wait to be doing your mating dance. Out of respect for that other person that you were just with and yourself too. There is plenty of time to get you groove back so no need to run out and try find it bc you will probably find regret and drunk phone calls at 12am to your ex. No need to do that. Feel what you just lost and feel out what you gained. And then try and move on.

I would be stupid to think that if B and I unfortunatly 'officially' broke up today there would be no way in hell I would be trying to get some nookie from somewhere else anytime soon. I might give out my number to some cool people but I wouldn't be so quick to get a homerun. There are plenty of time for that.
Plus if you did get back together would you want to tell your love that you fucked someone else w/I a few weeks of being free to do so?
B and I broke up for a month over 6-7mos ago and he admitted to doinking someone else. And that hurt that he ran out and did that. Bad. Makes you question your entire everything. I didn't let him know that sank my ship, but it did. But we got through it. I screwed around but nothing big. And I felt bad about that so what if I screwed that guy? How would I have felt? Not good.

Anyways gotta get in the shower to go to work. I hope I can make it through the day on my lack of sleep.

ugh 5 hours of sleep!

2005-07-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Why am I awake?

I didnt got to bed till 4 am!

yasmin & VIVA LAS VEGAS

2005-07-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

yazi came home tonight. surprise surprise! i am so happy. i got a call at 6 from strange # and it was her! i was so happy, i started to drive to her house bf i was even off the phone w/ her (she lives literally 4 streets down the road). she had to go have din din real quick but we are going to meet up after she gets back. i emailed my grammy to set up hair appiontments for us in the morning sometime soon. She owns a salone here in phx. oh gosh i cant tell you how happy i am to have my yazi back. i knew today was good for something! i havent woken up in a good mood for just nothing lately.

yazi seems like she is a changed person. not quite so snotty. australia is more hippy and laid back. based on what she was talking about it sounds like she was hanging out with a group of people that she wouldnt normally hang with. i dont want to call them ravers bc she says they are nothing like that but some take x and go to see djs. maybe club kids? but not how we think of club kids w/ glow stick and shit. different country different fads w/ different standards. but anyways its cool to see my close friend more open in that way. its not like she is a different person, but just small changes here and there.

Dubliner nights here we come! i told her i was ready when she was!

anyways i am still in a great mood and i think i might go to vegas w/ my boss. we kicked around the idea today, & looked at prices. nothing in stone. depends on when she goes and how much. i would probably take it out of my school money. i've never been and i would like to very much. i havent had a vaca forever and i deserve one! ok well i did go to cali for a quickie a while back, but that doesnt count. anyways i want the real deal. i want to drink and get shitty and have a good time. my life is starting to come back together. god i am happy. thanks to you!

take care everyone!

Sarah w/ a H

2005-07-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

My old friend Sarah randomly sent me an email telling me she missed me. Says she's cleaned up her act and she's down for some good girl party times.
Sarah and I go back. Way back when I was a little baby. Not even legal. Underage.
Anyways me and sarah got into some trouble together. Good trouble and bad trouble. I didnt mean to but introduced Sarah to her demise. But she is better now. Or so she says. So we will have to see how she is doing.

Seems like some boys are being bad...

2005-07-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

I like bad boys.

Peace?

So anyways, I was just reading some gals blog http://nancyk.blogspot.com/ and about a bachelrette party she attended. She included some info on vibing panties. I would have to agree with her that would be cool excpet I would only hope to be in a very loud place if someone were to turn it on. I wonder if I could keep a straight face. Probably not but I'm sure it would be funny to watch and see how long I could hold out bf my eyes rolled back. ha.

well hmm I wish I had more to say....

I want to go shopping. I love target. they have cute camis there. And they are cheap! Thats always good for me. But Katie is going to show me her ebaying. I buy perfume and random crap off of ebay that I dont need. I bought stuff for B off ebay and one of things turned out to be gay. I know he thinks its gay too but I dont think hed admit it. It was suppose to be this really cool Elvis pocket watch thing and when it came it turned out to be fake plastic. it was going to be the coolest thing, and its was really really small. the small part was probably my fault it did say the size in inches, and it could of said its a fake all over it too intead of it being a collectors MUST!
I got him a Elvis doll too and that wasnt cool either. Hes not like a barbie that you can move around, he has his leg on a chair holding his guitar. But he said he really liked it. So you gotta be careful. Everything is not what it seems.

I guess i didnt really need to waste my time about my experience with ebay. I doubt anyone cares.

So bigger & better subjects.
hmm I have none. Maybe in a bit.

So happpyy!

2005-07-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

I am in a great mood today. At first I woke up and I felt kinda bad, but then I snapped out of it and now I am in a great mood.
I started off my day by watching an AE bio on Charles Manson and his gang of women. Very interesting.
I'm not quite sure why people are so facsinated by him, he seemed like a weirdo to me!
Anyways.
Yasmin (www.Yasminsplace.com) gets home tomorrow. I am so EXCITED. I think that might be exactly what I need....to party. I hope shes ready bc I am. I havent had a drink in weeks!

Besides that I got some work to do now. So perhaps I'll write more later.

Yummy

2005-07-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

Katie just left for lunch a bit ago and shes bringing me back the Greek salad from Nothing But Noodles. Its so good. It has feta cheese, olives, all the good stuff on top of a salad/pasta mix. I never thought it would be as good as it really is. You gotta check it out.
Kaite = My Boss (shes awesome)
I'll have to get her back tomorrow.

I just talked to B and I feel mucho better. What a small but good conversation will do. Kinda places everything back into its place in my head. Or i could be totally wrong. But whatever. If thats the case than I am better than ever to take it. my best friend is back in just a few days and we work very well together. Especially when we are both single. Which she is for the 1st time in 3 yrs. We have rocked the house. Hard to imagine but we can be bad little girls.OK I should say 3 years ago we knew how to party. We may have lost some of our mojo but i'm sure with a few drinks we'll be fine to get our groove back. I dont really want my groove back I would prefer that things just work out with B and I'll be more than thankful. There is always a but. But if things dont than I hope to god yazi doesnt move to flag and stays here in phx w/ me. I love yasmin, We have gone through hell and back and we are still so close. that has to be something. she is me in a weird twisted backwards inside out way. No one can probably see it but as long as i can thats all that matters. And I see it and we can read each other just fine,

Memories & Predictive Index

2005-07-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

OK I am a blogger nerd.

Oh chances are that my theory is coming to life. I knew they would get back together. Just wait and watch, something interesting will come about.

But what I was actually going to post about it is memories. I've been doing way to much thinking. IE why I am probably writing so much. Reflecting on a lot of different things.

The other night I was hanging out with my sister and I made the comment that as much as C and I put each other through, I had a hard time remembering him, the reasons why I liked him, our fights, events, etc. Then I let my my mind wander over the friends I shared with him and the experiences that he wasn't apart of and everything is kinda out of reach for my memory.

My sister replied "welcome to getting old".

It kinda struck me. In just a few years my life now is going to be some type of blur. The people I now know and maybe even B are just poof gone. Of course I don't want that. I love B but it could happen. I could be just a memory to him. He could be just a memory to me. Taking different paths through life. And this hard time will be a hardly noticeable bump in the great road of my life. That is so sad to me in some ways. This moment feels more real than any other moment that has passed bc its right now and its not all blurred into nothingness and history.

I like to read what I wrote last year. I like to read things I wrote when I was mad people or myself. Or even my crazy ideas. Its great to see at that moment how I was thinking and what the outcome really was. How I was right, how I was wrong and how everything else played into the situation.

But most likely I wont remember much. And I thought I had a great memory. But nope. This moment right now will be like any moment spent typing away at my computer and there's nothing else to it. Maybe I am stoned. I probably am but to think how important everything feels right now is going only going to be text on my blog buried in the archives. But I guess at least I have it somewhere if not in my head.

~~~~~~

I took a personality test at work bc one of our tenants are from Predictive Index. Its a survey that analyzes your personality. Its suppose to be very accurate and a psych Dr came up with in 1955. Mine was on the money. Just a few things off.
-Independent, individualist, strong minded, & determined
-Venturesome, stick my neck out for my beliefs,
-problem solving & ventures are stimulating
-lots of confidence in my knowledge& ability
-active & inquiring mind, drive hard to get things done my way w/ quickness.
-self starter, initiates, makes decisions and assumes responsibility, stongly competive to achieve goals.
-Impatient
-W/ expressing myself I am direct, factual, outspoken, & frank
-My approach is authoritative, telling, & wanting timely results.
-I deal with ambiguous situations briskly and firmly
-I don't manage details as much as the big picture
-Fast learner!
-need independence to achieve max action
-variety & challenge in my work environment that also support new ideas
-open to opportunities for advancement to higher positions of decision-making responsibility
-not good with repetition & details -will become less accurate if made to handle

It also goes onto explain that right now I am trying to work the opposite role of my characteristics. Thus I am not my own boss or managing a territory any more, I am someone else's bitch and furthermore I am now a few peoples student.
I am also overly aware of myself and my surroundings.
I am also: intellectual, thoughtful, intense, informal, enjoys pressure, risk taker, strategic, quick to connect w/people, reads people, intiutitive, optimistic, enthusiastic, persuasive, informal, poised, good mixer, flexible, & casual.
Thats mostly me.
I like to have fun too.
OK nighty night

Just one more bf I leave

2005-07-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

I have one more thing to write about.

For some reason I am a very loyal person. especially to family, friends, boyfriends and all. If you are in my heart than thats where you stay through thick and thin. You'd really have to do me wrong to cast you out.

I have always thought this was a great characteristic to have. But I am starting to think twice about this. I think this might cause me more grief than if i were one of those people that could chop a person or situation up to nothing. i call it being disposable. Not very many people that are close to me are disposable. If you are near me chances are i love you and i want you near me. Perhaps my die hard attitude is not good for me though. But then another side of me makes me think thats what makes me stronger and better than anyone. Being the one to carry another and to be the one that holds on when no one else could. I dont know. Just thoughts.

Which brings me to another thought
Everyone that i know wants to be a part of this 'in' crowd. I guess its human nature to want to fit in. I dont get it, I've always marched to my own drum. For instance I dont think B realizes how in a lot of ways he had a strong lead with his friends. I saw it. other people saw it. A lot of the group looked up to him. And even when he was at odds w/ other members of the group he was even more respected bc he had his own opinions and didnt follow the hurd.

I realized after I stepped away from my own very small click that I too had a stong lead. And now that I am gone the people i left behind have started to cling to each other. from what i understand is that they hang out way more than before. I gather my info tactfully. And i dotn hate either of them. Its there own lack of smarts that brought the situation to this point and perhaps they will learn from it. and maybe somewhere down the line everyone will have respect.

All i want is peace.

....in the middle east, too :)

Lessons Learned

2005-07-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

With every down fall and every gain there is a lesson.

Friends;
I thought I had some words of wisdom for this categpry. But I dont. People have hang ups? People are flawed? Umm no one is perfect? People are normally followers?
I dont think i did much wrong (i'm not perfect either though) and perhaps even though I am so hurt by all this there will soon be some good in what has happened in my life. I dont think i deserved what my 'good' friends did and how they behaved to turn me off so much but maybe i deserved better friends and perhaps maybe some new ones will come about.

Boyfriends:
I suppose the big lesson here for me is that just bc you & whoever claim to be in love doesnt mean that things are going to work out and that you will love each other and live happily ever after. And just bc you say you love them doesnt mean that will fix the problems. Or their problems. Or your problems.
Not that I thought that it would make everything peachy, but I did think it (love) meant something & that if I as the other half of the cake would be willing to put aside my own problems and do anything/something to put us back together that we could make it... come to find out thats not good enough sometimes.
That doesnt leave me with very many more options.
So I guess you gotta keep on trucken and trying to make the best of things.

Siblings:
You cant live with em, could probably live w/o em.
:) j/k

Parents:
Nothen better than Momma's love

7/12/05 some positive thoughts

2005-07-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

THE GOOD NEWS
My friend Yasmin (yasminsplace.com) is coming home on Friday
My Dad has invited me to join a soft ball league.
School is slowly falling together.

My friend Yasmin is coming home from studying abroad in Australia. I am very excited to see her and to have a friend around. I have been very lonesome.

My Dad got a call from my old Coach Phil. He is starting a slow pitch soft ball league. My Dad just had to point out that Coach Phils daughters have scholarships bc of SB and are playing at SCC. It was my Dads dream for me to play and get scholarships and do the whole competitive deal. I vouched to be a teenager instead. I wonder what I would be like if I had stuck to it. I know I would woop ass but I wonder how my life would be different. So that may be fri or thur nights. I said it sounded fun and that I would think about it. I might do it and I guess my Dad has had my glove this entire time. I thought I lost it. I loved my glove. I still have the bat from my first homerun. Anyways I thought I would share some good stuff even though I feel like shit,

7/12/05 Unloading

2005-07-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

I've been up since 7am. That's early by my standards. I usually don't get up till 9 or 10. You are probably jealous. It wont always be that nice though! School is coming up real quick.

~~~~~~~

ok I am going to stop with the happy act. Today was an odd one. I met my dad at the tire place and we finally got my tires replaced. I paid for half and he paid for half. The bill was $381.50. I got my alignment done for free though. That has been my luck last few times I've had anything done to my car, they knocked the price down or it was free. So far I've gotten a free oil change and car wash and know the alignment fixed for nothing. I guess having boobs does come in handy.

So new tires for me is like new shoes for a little kid. Have you ever heard a little kid boasting about his new shoes and how they make him run faster? Well that's me w/ new tires. I think I feel this big difference in the way my car drives. I don't know if there really is though. But I drive like an asshole for the first few days.

~~~~~~

Well I went to walgreens and bought a pregnancy test. I was almost 100% positive that I was not preggy. But since I have not had my period in a few mos I figured I'd get it checked out again anyway. Ya never know. But it came out neg like I thought it would and it just confirmed that I am and have been sick again.

I have mentioned it before that I have a girl disease called PCOS or PCOD. Its an ovary problem where they (my ovaries) don't want to ovulate bc of a hormone imbalance. No ovulation: no babies, no period, & no level hormones. Its also probably why I cant lose much weight right now but that's ok I am not huge or gross, just a size 9-11 that I am not used to being. I am told I hold my extra weight well though. tg. This also means that I am not the most fertile girl around and that I will probably have to go on fertility treatments if I ever wanted my own childrens. So sad. When my insurance kicks in I'll probably go on hormone treatments. That's kinda scary to me.

I don't know if I want kids. So its not a HUGE thing, but it does bother me that I cant fulfill the womanly duties had I wanted to. I also wonder if I will ever be in a situation that the man I love wants babies and I couldn't so easily provide. Would it cause problems? I've told myself any man worth having babies with will love me no matter what. But I still wonder. I wonder if B ever thinks about it. He told me once that he's more open to thought of babies/kids with me than anyone before. I've never asked him and he's never really tried to have much of a conversation with me about it, I know he knows it exists.

The one thing that is interesting is when you tell another woman about it. Especially one that has had kids. The look on their face when you tell them you don't believe you could have kids w/o help. They get all wide eyed and I think for one time they are thankful to have the ability bc it is so often taken for granted and advantage of. I don't usually rack my brain about it. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it except see what the Dr says in august.

My disease could also be why I am so sensitive right now and why I feel so angry/sad inside. I don't like very many people right now so it makes me very upset a lot of the time. I feel very much alone almost like I have been abandoned on some alien world where everything is fucked up. I know that I walked away from some and then some have walked away from me as well.

~~~~~~

Sometimes it seems that life makes the situations we get it a lesson that we have to face alone. I seem to get a lot of those. Which is weird bc really I am not a overly social person. I am more closed off. I don't let many people inside the real me. When I do let someone in and they screw around with me its like the worst feeling ever. Like I've just been ripped open and left to die. Its so horrible. If you aren't close to me than you can go fuck yourself and I couldn't give a shit.

I seem to have this thing that I will put up with something for just so long bf I am just like FUCK YOU I don't need this. But unlike most people that just take off I stick around to 'be friends' which maybe I shouldn't but I don't think I realize it at first. My experience is that when someone pushes you past that point they don't get why you care less and so they push you harder until they get a reaction out of you.

Here's another thing. I don't think that people that have 'history' can be friends. I've tried to be friends with people I have been involved with and it doesn't happen. I'm such a deep person that after I have established this closer bond with someone I want to maintain a friendship bc of the history of being so close to that person. EHH. That's where it goes wrong. Bc you never fully let go of what you had. You knew that person like you knew the back of your hand and now you are suppose to be casual with them? Act like you don't wonder if the new person they are with are better than you, or if they still were the underwear you bought them last x-mas. I could go on and on. Its like friendships. Say you had this great friendship that after some time you split. You run into this person and bam you can fall right back into how you were at the same comfort level. That can happen to exes. That's why exes should stay away, keep emails and conversations to a min bc its not fair to the new person in your life to try and compete or even build a stronger union when you are still visiting with a union that has past. Does that makes sense? The reason you broke up is probably part of the same reason why you cant be friends.
example I know Brian and I could potentially fall back into the same scenarios that we had over a year ago and the fighting would come just as quick. I'll always have that comfort level with Brian bc he really new me or at least the parts he brought out in me and that will never go away. Or maybe a large amount of time will make it but it would have to be years & years.

Well I have written a bunch today. I feel very cold, sad, mad and a lot of different emotions today like yesterday. Kinda just want to go be alone somewhere. I would enjoy being dropped on a deserted island to just be left alone and out of touch. I feel out of touch so I think being out of touch might smooth the bumps in the road. I don't know how that makes sense but it does to me. I guess when you feel alone bc no one gets what you are feeling or just doesn't care enough to make an effort to smooth over the bad times than you want to just curl up in a ball and not be bothered. Eventually I'll be cried out and looking for new ways to improve.I don't know. But I gots to go.

Family fight and going away

2005-07-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

Ms Lonely
Have you heard that Akon song?
Well I'm Ms Lonely. Nice to meet you.

SO...
OK well tonight was a bad one. I got into a fight w/ my family. My sister who I have been getting along with really well tried to do a power trip on me. I was in a small spat between and myself & my younger brother. I have a loud mouth so I actually had both of my siblings yelling at me and I was not taking it lightly. I was telling my sister to go stick her nose in her own business and to keep out of mine and I mimicking what she was saying and man I was really ticked. And then my Mom comes out and just then I yell 'I don't care if you all hate me!' and everyone dispersed cause Momma bear was there. I really don't care if they did all hate me, I am so angry right now I don't care. I'm sure I will tomorrow or a feel days but I am sick og them right now.
~~~

So I've been thinking. If I don't get all the paper work down w/ school I think I might go work full time again and save to go and study abroad or do volunteer work. I've always wanted too & my life had always been in my way. The first time my car got stolen, 2nd time B didn't want me to and I didn't want to leave what I had here.

Now I am not as happy as I could be. I have fewer friends, a boyfriend that is unavailable & not heavily in the picture. Will he be again? I've been hoping but you never know. Time will tell all. And finally my family and I aren't getting along. Today was bad but I don't think I could be happy. I def don't think I could go to school and live here. It would be a stress. I would have so much to do before I could really leave. It would take a bit to even get out of here.

I guess what sparked the thought about volunteering again was the elephant program I watched tonight. The one about how they were they striking back, well anyways I've always liked elephants bc they are so smart & social. And I have always wanted to live near wild animals and do research and be able to interact with them on some level. Alternative to that would be to rehabilitate them or provide a communion or retirement center for abused wild animals that cant go back into the wild can come live. Or all of the above.

That's my dream. The field is competitive. And it would require me to go to school but its such a far out of reach I never really considered doing it bc it wasn't practical. What's pratical is going to nursing school and make good/above average income and live happily ever after. Or get a business degree, or something, anything that is structured, the failure rate is low, and income is good.

That's life and how's its broke down to me. Is that happiness? I don't know. I think I could make myself happy on some level anywhere as far as college level jobs given the atmosphere. But whatever these are rambles bc I am upset. But seriously I will not allow myself to spend my entire life in AZ. There is more out there to explore. I would like to live in the south somewhere at least a short time just to see what its like.