Off early!

And going to HAPPY HOUR w/ coworkers, yay!

Goodmorning, It's Hump Day

The past two days we have had all the Earnhardt dealerhsip managers in my office for traning. I wonder if any of these people are some of B's friends bosses. He has a lot of friends that work w/ cars and such here in az.
Interesting Interesting.

Today I am tired. I think the lack of sleep is catching up with me. I woke up and ohh it was hard. I need to go to bed earlier. But last night I was up talking with Yasmin.

She crashed down on some of my school plans. Dont you hate that?

Paradise Bakery's muffins suck ass. We ordered some for the office...ewww. They are gross.

OK well I think I am going to leave this as short one bc I aint got shit to say!

Came across a newbie that has some potential.... read on
http://divine8madness.blogspot.com/

So here it is with just 10 min

before I leave. hmm, I kinda miss working full time. I do think that I am very lucky to work where I do. I am starting to fit in and come out of my shell. Everyone seems to talk to me a bit more. Maybe its bc Katie is gone. I dont know. This guy I works close to me is pretty cool. We have been talking and stuff since I've been here and today he brought me a nug. Its cool to talk to someone during the day at work as a friend.I havent been friends with people at work since...over a year ago. The job I had bf I went to the U-CanSuckIt.

well time to go C ya

Feelen Good

with my red lacy boy shorts on today ;)

Today is so far so good. I knew it would be better than yesterday. Oh gawd yesterday was shitty. But anyways I would like to thank everyone for the kind thoughts on Melancholy Madness (the other blog). Much appreciated.

Life is interesting how it works. Anything can take you by surprise. Sometimes when you fall down, it's how you pick yourself up that counts. I felt like I was at a low that I haven't visited in a while. I pushed people away and the few people that I had left I just ignored. Who knows. But I know now that I am ok. I've come so far that I have to be proud of myself. Now if school decides to crap out on me then I was meant to do something else. That's just way the cookie crumbles. But now I know that I am going to be OK. Writing has helped a lot. Almost everything I have felt has been written down. Some things I have kept to myself and most I have opened up for all to see. I don't feel like I have much to hide. I am who I am. And I am a good, strong, beautiful person. I don't want to sound full of it, I have my down falls too. But I have a big heart, an honest mouth, and a loyal conscience, and a fun smile.

I heard a saying once about falling on shit and still coming out smelling like roses. I would like to turn this bump in the road into something like that. And in some ways if nothing else 'good' happens I have the lessons that I have learned. That in itself is great. And let me promise this, I have def. learned a few lessons this time around. About myself, other people, and life in general. I am thankful for that.

I have no idea what life has in store for me. I could end up anywhere. I don't have much holding me down. No kids, no boyfriend, no pets, and basically no obligation at all. I can do anything. So we will see where I will end up.

I played in the rain

Just a bit. I wanted to make sure my sun roof was closed. Or whatever roof that opens up and you can pop your head out. Moon or Sun? Well anyways someone once told me I had a leak in it. Or it wasn't air tight or something and it was raining hard and I wanted to make sure my baby was OK. Tomorrow I think I am going to shampoo my car carpet or whatever its called. I have a wet dry vac. Its awesome. Its actually a 'shop vac' and its heave duty shit yo.

About the rain; when I went outside I stood in rain and then kinda splashed around in it real quick. It was fun.

I also had a heart to heart with my mother. Made me feel good.

I've wanted a dog for a little while now. A puppy :) and I am kicking it around. I probably wont bc he wouldn't have any friends and I am not home enough, but I would really like one. Maybe I should think about that when I am sober. But I love animals.

My dogs are old and permanent residence's at my Fathers house. I love them to death, but dont see them as much an I would like.

I dont know where I am going with this post so I should stop. And I need to go to bed.

I thought I had some words of wisdom but I dont. But heres some alternatives:

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
King Whitney Jr.

The more things change, the more they remain... insane. Michael Fry and T. Lewis, Over the Hedge, 05-09-04

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
James A. Baldwin

A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.
Anatole France (1844 - 1924)

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. C. P. Snow (1905 - 1980)

Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
Erica Jong, O Magazine, February 2004

The enthusiasm of a woman's love is even beyond the biographer's.
Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Mansfield Park

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
Wally 'Famous' Amos (1936 - )

Life is just one damned thing after another.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

Bad day

Oh god today was a nightmare. Caused me to have a slight freak out. I had 2 bundles of checks to do today on my own. Mondays Katie helps me bc there is so much to do.

I kept on getting distracted and bothered. And I miscounted on something. We had like over 160 checks. If that doesn't sound like much then imagine stacks inches thick. If one gets lost we are fucked. But anyway it was a nightmare. Tomorrow will be OK though. For some reason I just know this.

Seems as though people like my depressed blog. Its kinda odd. I guess sorrow loves company. Or people love to read about it. I do too. I would love to find some crazy girls blog to read. I like the juicy stuff. Anyways I hate that blog. I don't think it will be up for long. Just doesnt seem like me. I am so much stronger than that.

I am doing OK with everything. Dont know what to think about B.

I would really enjoy clobbering megan and taking out all of my anger on her stinky face.
I never should have given her chance to smoke me w/ her tears.

Anyways. I need to call SCC tomorrow and find out about my letter.

I forgot to go see someone at work bf I left bc I was in a hurry, so I hope they still want to give me some smokey smokey. ;)
I think I need to go smoke some smokey smokey.

I have some plans of leaving if I don't get into school. Yasmin said its the best way to handle shit.
I could easily just work full time, pay off my debts, get the key marks fixed and sell it and then go buy a plane tick and C YAH! So we will see how SCC works out tomorrow.

I am still so pissed about my car getting keyed, make me want kick my door in and rip off my spoiler.

Oh god that could be the cherry on the cake. If I don't get into school I will be gone or just fucking crazy from all the stress. I kid you not. I have no money to pay for school myself. I could get reimbursed but I just don't have the money to front that.

I sometimes feel like yelling at god till he notices me and telling him a thing or two. When I picture myself doing it I am outside and yelling at him and shaking my hands at him.
ha ha. I thought it was funny.

I better have a few smooth riding months coming up though. I think that's only fair.

But I am serious about getting out of here. In some ways I think that might be better for me than school. Like in Australia I can get a working Visa for 1 whole yr for. Just go away for a bit and travel and see what else is out there. I know what's out there though. There are just more dumb people.... people are fucking unloyal and selfish. Its like I see right through people or I totally underestimate them. Most of the time they are just dumb. Oh well. I am going to go look at phone prices and see what's the best deal and get a damn phone tomorrow after I hear what SCC says.

Maybe more later.

its early

But I made it. I really have no clue what I am going to do all day today. Ummm yeah. I dont even know what I am going to do to get through this mornoing! Let alone the entire day/week. My boss is gone so i have no one to hang with at work. :(

My Mom is funny. She called me a skank this morning and then I pulled out a travel cup and it was screwed up and I asked her what happened. Her reply was I put it into the micrwave. I said 'oh well you cant put these cups in the micrwave they have metal on them', she said 'I know Rachael, i figured that out'. Ha ha. she almost blew the thing up.
I'm not sure why, but my Mother can make me laugh quicker than anyone I know. Her mannerisms are just so funny. She gets mad at me when I laugh at her and she doesnt get why she is so funny.

ehh, today is going to be a long day. It's going to be a long week. fuck n shit man.

oh, i was thinking about something lastnight. Last I talked to megan was over email in which she gave me the scoop that her and dude got it on and yada yada. I had told her that I wanted her to clear this whole thing up w/ him and she was 'yes, yes, but I never heard anyhting about it again. She never emailed me to tell me what happened. I didnt email her either. So screw all of them She kinda let the situation unravel. What a bitch. I think that I might want to tell her I how I think that shes a puking whore, and a fake ass bitch.

Well I gave my blog address to a friend thats going to start reading today. I kinda am ify on how I feel about it but its a little late now.
Ok well I think thats all for now. i might be posting EVEN MORE this week bc I am having to get up at the crack of dawn.

Stormy day & yammers

They are even evacuating as close as Cancun Mx bc of the weather. Crazy.

Ironic I was thinking of getting my car washed.

I was driving home today when the storm got bad. I was trying really hard to keep my car on the road at the time. Garbage and debris was flying all around and something kinda big even smacked my windshield.

Crazy how everytime it gets stormy I am having a rough time.

I think I have said this before on this but when was little I used to think that I could control the wind. My father wanted to name me April Wind (lastname) so I could be 'free as the wind'. But my mother thought it was too hippy. They had a drawing for my name and out came Rachael. So Mom met my Dad in the middle and converted Wind to Wynne -pronounced 'Win'. Its kinda like Lynne but with W. Since I knew this back ground on my name, I thought I had magic powers to control the wind. Smart kid eh? I was like 5. hmm so I still think about that when it gets stromy. kinda random.

Anyways, I am doped up right now. I love Mazzy Star. I wish I knew more about them a while back. I added it to my music link. I feel like having a drink and dancing around to it... Doesn't everyone do that sometimes?

I've always wanted to got to an old blue grass bar and get tanked and dance around there. i think it would be fun....

hmmm so....

I think that I am going to buy some canvas and start to paint. Or maybe I will finish the one on my wall. hmm I don't know. But I feel very peaceful right now...

anyways, I have to go and return a call and I gotta get up early tomorrow for the first time in forever.

I don't think there will be any dancing around tonight.

And I don't think there is anything wrong w/ smoking weed. Everything I do is in moderation and for recreation. I have no problem. Plus it helps me think sometimes.

Someone told me my right boob called them, and they asked how thet were doing. how funny.

Oh I need to get a phone activated this week, maybe tomorrow.

ok bye

this might sounds self absorbed

But I was looking at myself in the foldy mirrors and I really am a cute girl.
The halloween pick is not the best but it works till i get something else up.

But I have cute little lips, and a cute nose, with 'i see right through you' green eyes complimented w/ nice eye brows. Also I have long pretty hair thats straight and a small curvy body w/ big titties.

I'll be OK. I just need to remember this.

hmmm dont have one

Well today I am ok. I am going to a bbq and then maybe to a show.

I am into Mazzy Star. I just ripped the CD.

Well I dont have much to say. The weekend is almost over and I have to work full time this week. More money, less sleep time.

Besides that jsut rolling with the punches.

Hard times

Well I have a blog that is specifically for things that are going to be a bothersome for me to go back and read. I like this blog enough that I would like to keep it untainted by my more sad, down entries. I dont know how long I will post in it, if it will stick around or what. I may take it down when I no longer am sad about things that are going on. It's more for myself but I have it open for whoever would like to read it.

Today has been a rough day. But I am feeling more optimistic over all. Jeff gives the best talks. I think thats why we will always be great friends. Today I called him bc we hadnt talked in a bit and when he called me back and asked what was going on the water works started all over again. It's hard to talk about what has happened with out getting upset. But when rational Rachael popps back in everything seems like it will work out.

I dont know where Blake will sit in my life from this time foward. I had hoped that he would always be in it bc I loved him so much. But it looks like there is not place for each other in both of our lives. Perhaps there is a more perfect girl out there waiting for him. Or maybe there is not. Either way I dont want to EVER know about any other girls in his life. I would go nuts and thats not fair to think about it. I think he was my first real love and he has chosen to go on his own way. Perhaps there are more people that I am to meet. However I will not lie, I feel as though I am ripped open & will now be jaded. I have really loved and lost and I think that has some type of wear and tear on your own being.

But I need to focus on myself now. I think that I am going to continue not talking to megan for this reason. I dont want to know about Blake. She caused me some issues. Had she not been so two faced perhaps this whole thing wouldnt have dominoed onto us. But then again if we were not strong enough to get through it then there were some other problems. But we were all in love bf all this. I dont know. I need to focus on school and work and making -->me<-- happy. I think that I wont take a math course this semester. I am a math retard and I will need help with that one. I keep on thinking that in as little as a year and half I could be working as a nurse making way better money. Its just getting though these times to get there.

I am a good person and deserve good things to happen to me. I really do. I have lost these past few weeks that it can only get better. I cant see it getting worse.

This has been my life:
Got sick
Lost job
Found Job
Job didnt work out
Decided to back to school
Found new job
Lost some friends
Family issues
Lost blake

Every set back has been followed by a new gain. So if I keep on doing what I should be then I will be fine. I wont feel so devasted forever. Just a small while until I get things back in working order. Perhaps all these things that I see as a loss are actually a gain in hiding. I will see what the future holds as soon as I get there.

I remeber the last time this happened. I thought my life was falling apart. I lost my job, Cary and I split up, I stopped hanging out with the people we were friends with and I thought that my life was over. Little did I know months later I would meet make new friends, meet blake, get comfortable in a job, buy a new car, rekindle a friendship, & fall in love. This will happen again.

Cary and I were done months bf we threw in the last towl. We were done 3mos into it. For some reason we didnt let it go. So it wasnt such a shock as this but we were done. Now I see Cary and I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I was sooo cute with a littler body, cute face, nice tits, and a fun personality. I could have had anything and anyone. But thats ok. I was into dumb ass. Thats the way it was meant to happen. After getting fucked around I moved on in an unofficial way and started over. And then the last fight happened and I was ok.

Sometimes I wonder if I gave to much of myself to my relationship. Maybe I should have put my foot down on things and had more Rachael time & did more things for me. I dont know. I was in love. But I know that I am a patient, good person, who gave a lot of myself to that other person. That wasnt bad. Thats what I was meant to do. I have a new path now. So I gotta get going on it.

Also I have been trying hard to stay away from drama. I think I've done well. Besides the obvious. Its hard not to get emotional though. I'm extra sensetive bc I am a little off balance but since things in that area are getting better I have a firmer grip on what I am being sensetive about and whats really upsetting. I admit that I was extra sensetive and maybe that turned him away but that was me going through hard times. I cant say anything besides that and I am sorry. But I dont have a good control of it and its hard.

So perhaps there is a new life just waiting to be found bc thats the only thing that could happen at this point. I am not going down with this. I am good person, a good girlfriend, a good friend, and a smart & giving girl. I have a lot of great things that I should not let these people have the best of me. I can only be who I am and rise above all this. And I am good at it.

Girl stuff

So today started off OK. I went to work and everything seemed fine.
Since I have been sick I have not cycled normally in a few months. When the severe pains that were kinda like cramps but worse that started on wed I had no idea what was wrong with me and was almost ready to take myself to hospital. But they didnt worsen and went away.

Then I got these horrible pains again today. One of my big bosses is a nurse and I explained to her my history. She explained to me that with my illness and my lack of girl cycling that I probably have clots. Not uncommon. But very painful. She said they were probably sitting on top of my cervix. Since they werent passing they started to cause an irratation after time, which may have caused me to start to dialate. Like when woman start to go into labor. So thats supposedly why I was in so much pain. I'm sure it didnt to the full 10centimeters, but probably just enough so that it could pass through. I never doubted labor was painful but now I have a little example as to how bad it probably feels. My god I never want kids, OR give me drugs!

It was so bad that I left work early and came home. Even driving was hard and I started to cry in the car. I was a speed demon and pushed my luck. I was not involved in the two accidents that happened right in front of me thankfully.

When I got home, I tried to lay down but couldnt so I made a bath as hot as I could stand it and got in and soaked myself. I was still in pain, but I had taken some aspirin and it started to fade. I laid myself out on the couch and let it run its course. Afterwards I went to Yasmins just a bit to say hi.

But even though this sounds bad it's actually a good thing. The bleeding was my body's way of cleaning itself. It may even give my cycle the kick in the ass it needed. So my womanly parts might start to operate on their own. This is very cool. It may not start a cycle, I think it's not bc the bleeding seemed to have stopped. But I'll be on one bc of a different type of treatment I might start in Auguest.

After I came home from Yasmins I laid down some more and passed out. Now at waking up at 9:20 I think that I am home bound. There's always tomorrow.

OK no more sleep for me :(

I am trying to put my blog back up. I started to take it down and then I was like screw that. This is mine!

So I am slowly but surely putting back all my old posts. Its kinda funny. I wont post everything I write, I'll save it as a draft and then when I go through my cycles of taking this down and putting it back up. Well when I am going back and adding my posts & I'll read something that I didnt want to post a while ago for whatever reason and then i'll be all 'fuck it, why not?'

ha ha. ah. I thought its was kinda weird funny!

Anyways,
Yazi came back early. Hung out with her all night. We went to the Grocery Store at like 230am and went shopping. Are we dorks or weirdos? It was creepy. I wouldnt recommend shopping at night. But overal it was a good times.

I figured since I blab so much about B I should give an update. But I dont have much of one. I guess you can take that for whatever its worth. I still love him but I don't know what else to say. Yasmin asked what was going on and I didn't really have an answer prepared. So I just said we are not on good terms. So where ever that leads I really have no I idea. Love is never a guarantee. I kinda thought that my love was , but its not. That just makes the pain worth the pleasure. To feel close to someone. It doesn't seem like I have a bf right now but I know I am not free to go do whatever. Or at least at this point I'm not. I wouldn't anyways.

Everyone wants to give their opinion. I don't like hearing other peoples opinion that he's cheating on me, just dump him, he shouldn't do that, or he just doesn't have the balls to dump you and yada yada. I don't like your opinions. I have my own that I am trying to manage and I don't need someone telling me bad shit. I know how my shit stinks, you aint got to tell me. I know but thanks.
I know everyone tries to help but no don't help. I'm a big girl and can get it done. I know better than anyone how bad its stinks. No need to remind. I don't say things to persway people that what I think is right. I always try to give humble advise when I do. I know what its like so I am not going to return the ugly favor. I try anyways. And don't pretend your shit is perfect bc we all know its not. Everyone has 'issues' so don't think you are all that and then some, bc I will be the first to wave around the big bull shit flag. I'm not perfect and neither are you so sit down and shut up. Everything will come together.

I kinda have this thing in my head. Some girls when they dump or get dumped will run out and hook up w/ someone they have been keeping tabs on or will just live single bc its easier than sitting at home and crying. I've done it. It doesn't work so well. You think it doesn't. But even after you 'break up' with someone I would still wait at least a few weeks to start 'chilling' w/ someone else unless the cirmumstances were like one cheated on the other or whatever. But if its a break up w/ a lot of uncertainty or emotion then I would wait to be doing your mating dance. Out of respect for that other person that you were just with and yourself too. There is plenty of time to get you groove back so no need to run out and try find it bc you will probably find regret and drunk phone calls at 12am to your ex. No need to do that. Feel what you just lost and feel out what you gained. And then try and move on.

I would be stupid to think that if B and I unfortunatly 'officially' broke up today there would be no way in hell I would be trying to get some nookie from somewhere else anytime soon. I might give out my number to some cool people but I wouldn't be so quick to get a homerun. There are plenty of time for that.
Plus if you did get back together would you want to tell your love that you fucked someone else w/I a few weeks of being free to do so?
B and I broke up for a month over 6-7mos ago and he admitted to doinking someone else. And that hurt that he ran out and did that. Bad. Makes you question your entire everything. I didn't let him know that sank my ship, but it did. But we got through it. I screwed around but nothing big. And I felt bad about that so what if I screwed that guy? How would I have felt? Not good.

Anyways gotta get in the shower to go to work. I hope I can make it through the day on my lack of sleep.

ugh 5 hours of sleep!

Why am I awake?

I didnt got to bed till 4 am!

yasmin & VIVA LAS VEGAS

yazi came home tonight. surprise surprise! i am so happy. i got a call at 6 from strange # and it was her! i was so happy, i started to drive to her house bf i was even off the phone w/ her (she lives literally 4 streets down the road). she had to go have din din real quick but we are going to meet up after she gets back. i emailed my grammy to set up hair appiontments for us in the morning sometime soon. She owns a salone here in phx. oh gosh i cant tell you how happy i am to have my yazi back. i knew today was good for something! i havent woken up in a good mood for just nothing lately.

yazi seems like she is a changed person. not quite so snotty. australia is more hippy and laid back. based on what she was talking about it sounds like she was hanging out with a group of people that she wouldnt normally hang with. i dont want to call them ravers bc she says they are nothing like that but some take x and go to see djs. maybe club kids? but not how we think of club kids w/ glow stick and shit. different country different fads w/ different standards. but anyways its cool to see my close friend more open in that way. its not like she is a different person, but just small changes here and there.

Dubliner nights here we come! i told her i was ready when she was!

anyways i am still in a great mood and i think i might go to vegas w/ my boss. we kicked around the idea today, & looked at prices. nothing in stone. depends on when she goes and how much. i would probably take it out of my school money. i've never been and i would like to very much. i havent had a vaca forever and i deserve one! ok well i did go to cali for a quickie a while back, but that doesnt count. anyways i want the real deal. i want to drink and get shitty and have a good time. my life is starting to come back together. god i am happy. thanks to you!

take care everyone!

Sarah w/ a H

My old friend Sarah randomly sent me an email telling me she missed me. Says she's cleaned up her act and she's down for some good girl party times.
Sarah and I go back. Way back when I was a little baby. Not even legal. Underage.
Anyways me and sarah got into some trouble together. Good trouble and bad trouble. I didnt mean to but introduced Sarah to her demise. But she is better now. Or so she says. So we will have to see how she is doing.

Seems like some boys are being bad...

I like bad boys.

Peace?

So anyways, I was just reading some gals blog http://nancyk.blogspot.com/ and about a bachelrette party she attended. She included some info on vibing panties. I would have to agree with her that would be cool excpet I would only hope to be in a very loud place if someone were to turn it on. I wonder if I could keep a straight face. Probably not but I'm sure it would be funny to watch and see how long I could hold out bf my eyes rolled back. ha.

well hmm I wish I had more to say....

I want to go shopping. I love target. they have cute camis there. And they are cheap! Thats always good for me. But Katie is going to show me her ebaying. I buy perfume and random crap off of ebay that I dont need. I bought stuff for B off ebay and one of things turned out to be gay. I know he thinks its gay too but I dont think hed admit it. It was suppose to be this really cool Elvis pocket watch thing and when it came it turned out to be fake plastic. it was going to be the coolest thing, and its was really really small. the small part was probably my fault it did say the size in inches, and it could of said its a fake all over it too intead of it being a collectors MUST!
I got him a Elvis doll too and that wasnt cool either. Hes not like a barbie that you can move around, he has his leg on a chair holding his guitar. But he said he really liked it. So you gotta be careful. Everything is not what it seems.

I guess i didnt really need to waste my time about my experience with ebay. I doubt anyone cares.

So bigger & better subjects.
hmm I have none. Maybe in a bit.

So happpyy!

I am in a great mood today. At first I woke up and I felt kinda bad, but then I snapped out of it and now I am in a great mood.
I started off my day by watching an AE bio on Charles Manson and his gang of women. Very interesting.
I'm not quite sure why people are so facsinated by him, he seemed like a weirdo to me!
Anyways.
Yasmin (www.Yasminsplace.com) gets home tomorrow. I am so EXCITED. I think that might be exactly what I need....to party. I hope shes ready bc I am. I havent had a drink in weeks!

Besides that I got some work to do now. So perhaps I'll write more later.

Yummy

Katie just left for lunch a bit ago and shes bringing me back the Greek salad from Nothing But Noodles. Its so good. It has feta cheese, olives, all the good stuff on top of a salad/pasta mix. I never thought it would be as good as it really is. You gotta check it out.
Kaite = My Boss (shes awesome)
I'll have to get her back tomorrow.

I just talked to B and I feel mucho better. What a small but good conversation will do. Kinda places everything back into its place in my head. Or i could be totally wrong. But whatever. If thats the case than I am better than ever to take it. my best friend is back in just a few days and we work very well together. Especially when we are both single. Which she is for the 1st time in 3 yrs. We have rocked the house. Hard to imagine but we can be bad little girls.OK I should say 3 years ago we knew how to party. We may have lost some of our mojo but i'm sure with a few drinks we'll be fine to get our groove back. I dont really want my groove back I would prefer that things just work out with B and I'll be more than thankful. There is always a but. But if things dont than I hope to god yazi doesnt move to flag and stays here in phx w/ me. I love yasmin, We have gone through hell and back and we are still so close. that has to be something. she is me in a weird twisted backwards inside out way. No one can probably see it but as long as i can thats all that matters. And I see it and we can read each other just fine,