12-30-04 Time gap & Back Together

12-30-04 8:31 p.m.
hey there,
So its been a while since I last updated, dog guy and peck guy are old news. Peck guy got jealous WAY to fast and dog guy just fizzled, our senses of humor just clashed.

Not else happened is the past few weeks to mention besides that Blake and I got back together. He did wait for an excuse (that I gave him) to see me. Breaking up is hard to do, and in some ways getting back together is harder. This isn’t easy. I wonder now if its worth it. not sure. I hope so, but we will see. Last night I hung out with him and it was the first time ever that I thought about saying I love you to him. I didn’t bc I am not sure if I really do and i dont take that lightly. Even if I knew for sure i wouldnt tell him anyways. i dont quite trust him w/ my feelings right now. But anyway I am just going to hand write in my journal tonight so adios

11/14/04 The 1st of me -friends, EXs, family

11/14/05 8:00 p.m.

so hey....This is the first time I've ever played around w/ an online diary. The idea is really interesting. I live in phoenix AZ. It's a fun place...Well not really. Its kinda boring and not much to do unless you are 21, and then you can drink and party but that's only really fun for so long until you realize you're around the same fucks that you have been around for past 6 months. Then at least for me -get bored.

Its just another Sunday night and I am just dreading the thought that I have to go to work tomorrow. Gosh I hate that place but everyone has to do it and I am sure there are other millions & millions of people thinking the same thing.

so more about me.... i have a handful of good friends, guys are always bouncing in and out but that's how it is for most girls, good family life but like everyone we have skeletons in the closet. I'm just another middle class girl that gets swept off her feet in this crazy world. It'll probably be easier to write once I am more established on this diary thing. I have a real journal and it seems so easier to write in that than to type this gibberish here but I guess the thought that someone might read this is a little more sobering & inspiring. I'll try to make sense in case some one does actually reads this....

One of my really good friends is leaving soon to go 'down under' for school, she is from and still has family in the Sidney and New Castle area. So that'll be sad but she'll come home after the semester abroad. Its weird Yasmin and I have been friends since the 8th grade and always lived down the street from each other. Last year we went our separate ways for a while and then some how we ended up down the street from each other again....Now that has to be fate don't you think? What's really cool is it's like we never parted and we just hooked up from where we left off, but better bc where we left off was shitty times. Things are really awesome. Life works in interesting ways.

That's happen to me before w/ other close friends...I don't know if its going back to your roots or what but its really cool and weird. Example Jen and I were friends starting at the 3rd grade and then we went our separate ways after I moved to another school in the 8th grade. Then somehow we both got kicked out of HS after freshman year and both ended up at the same reject school. And then there's Megan, we were really close 8th grade and stopped talking after I got kicked out of HS and then Christmas eve last year I had nothing to do and felt kinda shitty so I went for a drive and saw her in traffic. That sums up that story.

I don't know many other friendship stories but I think mine are interesting. So those are my girls. We are all loners in our own little way, you wouldn't consider us a clique. But most of us hang out regularly. Jen and Yasmin don't have great history but everyone else gets along pretty well. Based on what I have gone thru so far you would probably imagine me as somebody that I am not. We are all above average looking girls and are really social we just don't get wrapped up in drama or the 'scene' whatever that is at the time. So there it is.

I was dating a guy for about 6mos and we recently broke up. I am trying to force myself out with other guys to kinda help get over it and its really hard. Guys suck. But I am sure guys think that girls suck....But whatever. This one guy Cory seems to really like me and calls quite often and I just don't feel it for him, but then I don't feel strongly for any guy at first and then I realize I could fall hard for this guy. So I don't want to string him along but I don't want to let him go too soon and not allow myself a chance to like him. I guess I am not one of those lucky people that just 'knows' if I am going to like someone. The guys I have somewhat liked I noticed right off the bat, but I always questioned if I really liked them. But I have gotten my heart stomped on 2x now so that's a downer.

The guy I have the most history with was Cary. We met when I was 17 and he was 21. We were involved w/ each other off and on for almost 3 yrs, and then he told me that we just weren't meant for each other, he doesn't feel like himself around me, and that he pretended to be happy w/ me. Cary and I shared the big group of friends and that made our drama even harder to deal w/. So after our last break up I disappeared from our crowd. I had already been making distance from them for a few months prior, but I totally split after that. It was just to hard and he had been friends w/ all those people longer. So I was going to start over, and try and build a new social life for myself.

Cary and I tried to do the whole friend thing just between him and I but he just recently told me his new gf is jealous of us talking and he thinks this girl is perfect for him everything but her looks so he wants to respect her feelings meaning that we couldn't be friends. I hope everything works out for him w/ that. I am over him but he'll always be in my heart.

Blake... well that one only lasted 6mos but it was really intense. I never was called a slut before him and then you'd ask why would I even want to be w/ a guy that said that to me but relationships aren't that easily defined if that makes sense. But anyway Blake in a lot of ways was soo great and I thought he may have been my match in some ways, but he was a bit older than me. Most would people wonder what a an older guy is doing still single and w/ a younger girl....but I didn't own up to that truth that maybe he had a problem w/ settling down. Like I said we were really intense and maybe hung out too much w/ each other too soon and then he broke up w/ me. Later I found out he had started dating some other girl the last week or 2 while we were together. Lying cheating bastard.

I was really surprised how we broke up. All I have to compare it to is Cary. Cary and I broke up so many times and when we broke up; Cary still felt like Cary and we always tried to be friends afterward but with Blake it was very cold, almost felt like it was my fault & he was very cut and dry w/ me. I really kept my cool when he broke up w/ me, I didn't show much emotion and was very cool and went out of my way to keep things friendly(not in that way) ....Then he paraded around the other girl in front of one of our mutual friends a week and 1/2 after our break up and that really hurt. That really really hurt! I hated him after that. I think that was the most disrespectful thing to do. So i am not keeping what i am doing a secret. He obviously didnt want that girl on DL. But I still kept my cool for another 2 weeks and then I went back and read this email from him that was just so fucking rude and I finally responded to it & I gave it to him straight and it probably made him feel stupid & selfish. It actually wasn't that bad of an email, I didn't like tell him to go drive his truck off a cliff or anything. Just gave my straight opinion which was warranted. He then called me 2x -I didn't answer. So he left me this message saying he was disappearing from my life. Which was really funny bc it was like 'HELLO PAL you already disappeared from my life w/ some other bitch. I know you are gone and at the end of my email I already said if you hate me after you read this then that's your choice and what happens -happens for a reason' so to call me 2x to say BYE so rudely was unnecessary. But whatever. Maybe it made him feel better to do that. The thing that sucks is that I still miss him sometimes...

One thing that does feel good about all this is I guess the girl he's w/ now is a real whack job. She is his age w/ 2 'missing' kids that her EX 'stole" from her and she did some weird stuff like I guess she left a big string of hickeys on his chest in the shape of a heart after 2 weeks of dating....And also I guess she's the type of girl that throws herself at people so they like her and she even asked my best friend about Blake and I's break up. WEIRDO! So Yay for B. Looks like he has something special there. I dont want to even think about her and him anymore so thats enough about that stupid asshole.

I went and saw this sneak peek premier of this movie that they are getting peoples opinion on before they release it. It was called 'sisterhood of the traveling pants' its based on some book that I haven't read and now that I've seen the movie I probably wont -but the movie was really good except that when we agreed to do it, they said the age group they were looking for was 18-25 or something and when we got there it was a theater full of little girls and their moms. The only men that were there were the guys that made the movie & they sat in their little reserved seating area...And plus there was no seating available! We had to sit in the front row! But the movie was good. For sure a chick flick. They had to search us and even waved a metal detector in front of us to make sure we didnt have recoding equipment. It was humorous.

well anyways not sure what else I could write about. uh.... I grew up in Scottsdale if you know where that is and my parents divorced when I was 8 and I don't talk to my dad much but he's still around. He remarried some girl that I didn't end up getting along w/. But what can you expect? Life isn't perfect. My mom is still single and she likes that I guess. She's left 2 men in divorce, 1st my half sisters dad, and then mine. She's a good looking woman & very independent. I got a younger lil brother and plus my older sis. All my dads family is back east in Ohio. My moms fam-damily is here in AZ 3rd generation.

But I gotta go -more later.

My Music

My favorite songs
keep scrolling down

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go blind
Some kind of light into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.
Fade into youStrange you never knew
Fade into youI think it's strange you never knew
A stranger's light comes on slowly
A stranger's heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart
Fade into youS
trange you never knew
Fade into youI think it's strange you never knew
Fade into youStrange you never knew
Fade into youI think it's strange you never knew
I think it's strange you never knew

ColdPlay - Clocks
Lights go out and I can’t be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have bought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead
Singing
Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
And a trouble that can’t be named
A tiger’s waiting to be tamed
Singing
You are
You are
Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and the ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know
Singing come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease
Singing
You are,you are
You are,you are
You are,you are
You are,you are
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
You are,you are
Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go(you are)
Home, home, where I wanted to go(you are)

ColdPlay - Yellow
And it was called yellow.
So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow.
Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.
I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all yellow,
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all yellow.
Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something
beautiful,
And you know for you,
I’d bleed myself dry for you,
I’d bleed myself dry.
It’s true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine.
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.


Perfect Circle - The Noose
So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heaven's help
You cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead
Recall the deeds as if
They're all someone else's Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead
With your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down[repeated]
Your halo slipping down to choke you now


Perfect Cirlce - The Nurse Who Loved Me
Say hello to the rug's topography
It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it
Say hello to the shrinking in your head
You can't see it but you know its there so don't neglect it
I'm taking her home with me all dressed in white
She's got everything I need pharmacy keys
She's falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes
She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys
Say hello to all the apples on the ground
They were once in your eyes but you sneezed them out while sleeping
Say hello to everything you've left behind
It's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it
I'm taking her home with me all dressed in white
She's got everything I need some pills in a little cup
She's falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes
She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys
Say hello to the rugs topography...


David Grey - This Years Love
This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long
When you hold me like you doIt feels so right, oh now
Start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feelin' like I can't go on.
Turnin' circles time again
Cut like a knife, oh now
If you love me got to know for sure
Cuz' it takes something more this time
Then sweet, sweet lies, oh now
Before I open up my arms and fall losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet?
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
Cuz' whose to worry if our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on
Won't you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feetSingin' ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last, whoa
This years love had better last.

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The About 'Me' Page

Hi, I'm Rachael, (pronounced Rachel, some get confused)

A little about me...

Born and raised here in Phoenix, AZ area.

I'm always going back to school.

My family is crazy.

I have been dating a guy names Blake or aka 'B' since 5/04. The B thing is just for quicker typing. I dont know. It's just what I do. I started by abbrevaiting people but then I didnt have enough letters so screw it, I just startedspelling out the full name.

I am not sure why I started this blog in the first place so long ago, but now I logged back in and maybe will continue after a few year haitus?
Probably bc I am a nerd and have nothing better to do.

Work: I work in accounting, bookkeeping, etc. Fun stuff - not!

At the moment my life is pretty boring and ill probably continue to write boring posts, but oh well! Dont read them then!

So seriously - my life consists of working, going to school, living with B, seeing my friends and family when i a free few minutes. So welcome to the read. It'll probably be boring.