5/3/05 B Surgery

Blake had surgery on his shoulder yesterday & he never called me after his surgeries like he was suppose to. I was going to stop by and visit him and he was going to call w/ directions and everything. Well after like 3 I still hadn’t heard from him, so I thought that was weird, so I waited and just kept calling his phone and it was off forever. I get to his house after work & find a pamphlet from the DR w/ directions and a #. I called and they couldn’t tell me anything but that he would be in his room soon so I could come down, so I was a even more worried.

I had to wait for randy to get home and then I left to go to the hospital. As I walked up his Mom was there, she was on the phone -so I just waved and mouthed to her 'is everything OK?' at first she nodded her head and then shook her head no. She was on the phone so I didn’t know what she meant and was going to keep walking to Blake’s room, and then she stopped me and told me I better sit down with her. I was just OH GOD, what happened?

She starts to get all teary eyed and tells me Blake’s blood pressure was really high and he was having trouble breathing and all this stuff. She started to cry and she tells me he’s been in recovery since he got out of surgery @ 2 and I didn’t get there till almost 630-7. So he’d been in there for a long time and since she started to cry I started to cry so there we are Blake’s mom & I in the waiting room crying. His sister drove down from cave creek so there the 3 of us are all worried and dont know whats going on.

Blake finally gets wheeled in on a stretcher to his room. As it turns out the nurses were freaking out Blake’s mom. It turned out to be ok in the end, this one nurse made it into a bigger deal than it really was. My god i have never been so happy see Blake. He had the oxygen mask on and had on all the IV tubes and bandages & etc on -it was hard to see him like that but he was so happy to see me and it felt so good to able to hold his hand and be there with him. I never been scared like that before w/ someone I was dating. It was such a scary feeling, but even though he was stitched & messed up he was still so beautful to me.

His family left around 830ish and I stayed till 10 and it was really cool bc I just kind of played nurse with him and laid in the hospital bed w/ him. It just one of those really bonding moments for me and its now going to be a special memory.

:)

4/22/05 Rambles

I feel very alone today. I don’t know why today this is so prevalent. Yesterday I was kind of numb and didn’t care about much of anything. I was in my own world. I am finally starting to talk to my family. They were not being very supportive and caring of me, as I would like them to be. Then they said something that I did not appreciate. I know my Mom didn’t like the silent treatment she got for the few days. Not that my Mom has favorites but I know her and I have a special connection & relationship that is not as prominent in my other siblings as compared to us.

My sister I talked to in the middle of last night for first time in a few days. I needed her to rub lidocaine on my back. My itching was very very horrible last night. I was desperate and needed help. She did but was kind of grumpy since it was so late, probably around 3am.

I am very thankful that my friends are so caring. They call or email me during the day to see what I am doing and then they try and talk w/ me at some point in the evening. If I wanted to I could have spent every day of this week with them. But I felt like being alone for the most part. Last night I did have a good time though. I am glad that I didn’t punk out like I was thinking of doing.

The itching was so bad that it woke me up again. I rubbed anything on my back starting with cortaid to aloe w/ lidocaine and finally a clay face mask. Nothing eased the painful itch completely. I went on a hunt through my Moms nursing stuff and found strong prescription strength topical lidocaine cream. She has few drugs from when she worked in the hospital. Finally around 4am I was able to fall asleep and I did so till 10:30a. I called my boss’s desk phone and left a message that I would be late. I wasn’t even going to attempt going to work on 2 hours of sleep. There was no way. Now that I am here I feel like shit. I did end up getting enough sleep though. I am going to the DR about this if it doesn’t clear up real quick. If it was from tanning it would be all over my body, not exclusively on my back. I wonder if I got some type of skin deal now. But my skin looks normal, so I don’t get it. Hopefully it just goes away.

Well I gotta get back to work, but I was needing a break so I thought I would spend a few min writing bc it feels good to get things out of my head on to paper, or in this case a computer.
I’ll check in later.

417/05 My first comment! Notes Re: Mr Right & Camera

417/05 9:46a

OK I am oh so happy because I have recvd my first comment from another blogger. Dee from Diva in Scrubs http://adivainscrubs.blogspot.com/. I have linked her. I am so happy about this because I really do want to see what peoples opinions are. So far I have been extremely open and hopfully that doesn't bite me in the ass, but that's the way I would prefer to be -myself.

This is a continued thought from my previous post.
There are no other Mr. Rights. If another 'Mr. Right' tried to come around I think that I really would steal his beer and take off. ;) inside joke. But no, I can't see any other 'Mr. Rights' coming in my direction and plus there is no vacancy here. Reservations have already been made, there is no room for anyone else, this is a promised deal. So any other 'Mr. Rights' can fuck off.

(Sorry this won't make sense to anyone else)
As far as the camera...the main reason I wanted it back bc there are mostly pics of you, Rick James, and myself. Very few pics of Cali. I think I have like 4. But I am going to develop them today so I will mail you prints of the good ones. I got a pic of you all snuggled up in bed still sleeping one morning. I think it will be my favorite. You looked very cute and I really just wanted to crawl back in bed with you.

4/17/05 2:30am On Pause

4/17/05

So here I am on a Saturday night at 2:30 am posting -again. I just got up from a nap so now I am kinda wired. I had a rough day. I am emotionally drained! I cried a lot today. That’s probably why I fell asleep at 7:50. Crying bothers me because I haven’t been a bigger crier till the last 2 months. I am not sure if it is still my PCOS or if it’s because I am in love and feel really insecure about the situation.

Since I mentioned PCOS, heres the deal w/ it:
(but this isnt what I really wanted to write about, so move foward 2 paragraphs to the good stuff)

Yeah I never mentioned before that I have pcos. It’s a girl disease. Basically you don’t ovulate correctly and it causes cysts to form on your ovaries as well as a hormone imbalance. The most common complications or symptoms are lack of period or a constant period, acne, weight gain, hair growth, sensitivity and mood swings, depression and the worse infertility. The most common way to treat this is w/ birth control bc its leveling out your hormones so your plumbing functions somewhat more properly. Thankfully I suffered the lack of period, only a slight increase of acne, a slight increase of weight (5-7lbs), and being more emotional than I would be normally. It could have been WAY worse. Some girls grow facial hair.

I’ve had this since I was 19. So 2 years. I thought it was treated and that it had gone away. But it flared up again about 2-3 mos ago. I just didn’t get my period. Based the neg preg test I knew what was wrong w/ me once again. I knew even before the neg test what it was. I took a 2nd for Blake to calm his nerves. Well anyways the reason I say I might still be overly emotional is because when I went in for a check up I asked to be put on low hormone birth control. Well this family practice basically gives you what you ask for. My Mom is a RN and said I need to be on something stronger, so this last month I went back to my old birth control and I’ve start to feel better, my face has cleared up & it’s only been a week & ½. It’s awesome but takes a little more time than that to fully take on its full effect. I can’t wait to be myself again and less emotional. Or it could be the whole love deal, but I don’t think it’s that bc I am sensitive to other dealings in my life as well. So this is not what I wanted to post about, but I thought I should explain this since I mentioned it.

So today I went to Blake’s, mostly to get that face to face explanation and to get my stuff and give back my keys to his house. I am not sure what happened or what I really expected to happen when I got there. But we talked about what’s going on with him in his head. It came down to this. He needs to get a few things straightened out before he can ‘commit himself to me’. So through out our talks we basically came to this. We still love each other. He needs a couple weeks of solitude to get a few things back on track w/ himself. So we are ‘pausing’ our relationship. So what I believe what he meant by saying he can’t ‘commit himself to me right now’ is that he can’t commit himself to the day to day functionality of a relationship until these other things are taken care of. He needs to concentrate on these self improvement adjustments. So I guess that’s where the pause comes into effect. After his time off to get things right the play button will be pushed and hopefully everything will keep on going in the right direction w/o having to start over. Hopefully. Or it could just all end. Then I say to myself what’s 2 weeks? A week just went by that was way worse bc I didn’t know what fuck was going on I was in total limbo. This shouldn’t be so bad. And by the sounds of it won’t be complete solitude bc and we’ll still keep in touch & he’ll still read this site. It just won’t be how we would normally function.

Also he tells me it’s not just me that he is secluding himself from. He says he is also going to keep friends at a distance and concentrate on his issues and family. Which I really hope is true bc I would feel very singled out and abandoned if he continued to socialize a lot and etc.. I guess the reason why I question this is because today he returned a few phone calls and acted on the phone like everything was A ok and kinda made some comments about hanging out. But I guess with guys they don’t really get to emotionally honest w/ each other so I’m sure in a guys world it’s better to just act cool than wounded.

So moving on. We hung out with each other and talked and it was cool bc we would take a break from being all serious to burning CDs and talking about other things. At one point we jumped in the pool and had a quick swim. I felt all weird though bc I jumped in the pool wearing my panties and a tank top but when it came to undressing I was unsure if I should go into the bathroom for privacy, tell him to turn around & not look at me or what. He got naked right there in front of me so I just followed his lead. Sounds dumb I know but I guess it’s hard for me to see the line as to what is OK and not OK. I guess maybe I was over analyzing that one.

So there were a handful of hugs and small kisses and little touches etc through out the afternoon. Which was nice bc it helped me not feel totally out of place. So after the pool we decide to go eat and while he was on the phone I went into his room to put my clothes back on and comb my wet hair & etc. Well he came in the room when I was just standing there in my bra and nothing else. I felt so naked which I was but more of a mental nakedness as well as physical nakedness ~a complete nakedness. And he came up to me and just kinda swooped me on top of him & onto his bed. And we just laid there and it was such a great moment. I think I thought at first this might lead to sex or a sexual something bc he had told when we were getting out of the pool that he still thought I was really sexy and that we’ve have had the best sex ever in his opinion etc etc. Which was also reassuring to hear. But I wasn’t sure if sex would be a good idea for me. So we laid there and he just ran his hands all over the back part of my body and told me that he still loved me and not to give up on him.. Sex wasn’t even brought up at that point however I asked about it later.

Our little meeting was wrapping up. I didn’t want to take my stuff or give back my keys and at first we weren’t but he changed his mind. He had first said that I can keep them as long as I was going to respect the ‘pause’ & not go psycho. And then at dinner he changed his mind. He later explained when he was walking me out that he didn’t know if he would ever see me again and that he didn’t want to come home to some type of crazy mess one day. I resent or begrudge that bc I am not a crazy girl like that. I can get pissed but I don’t think there’s much he can do to make me want to vandalize his house or steal his dog. That’s pretty far out there. And if he did do something that horrible he could easily change just one of the locks. It’s not hard.

So that hurt because in a way leaving me with my keys was a way of being like ‘I am going to trust you and you are going to trust me’, and in another way it was kind of a symbolic way to show things will be OK soon. But I guess he just didn’t trust me or the situation to do that. So he took the keys & I took all of my stuff . I guess since he was withdrawing the symbolic thing of trust of this not being the end I didn’t want my stuff there. Maybe it’s a mental thing to take my stuff home so I am more so prepared in case this doesn’t work out. If he doesn’t have enough faith for that than I sure am not going to build a wall for myself to run full fledge into. Not sure if that makes sense. Maybe that is hard to understand. Maybe it’s just a girl thing or a Rachael thing, but that’s how it breaks down to me.

Side note about dinner. His roommate came, which was completely uncomfortable. I think Randy the r-mate likes me and everything & I think he’s great, but when there is drama between Blake and I I’m sure its not comfortable for him and its wasn’t for me. I tried to break the ice with him and act/talk normal w/ him when Blake was away but he was still visibly uncomfortable so it made me even more so. I clammed up after that. I didn’t know what to say or what to do.

Blake was kind of cold when saying goodbye. Not sure why he had to be like that when for the majority of the time I spent with him he was warm. He barely even gave me a hug. I held on for a longer one. I didn’t care. The conclusion of our time spent together wasn’t as good as I expected it to be. So I was going to give a good one last hug. And then he surprised me and planted a few pecks on my lips.

But that didn’t really make up for the key thing and the uncomfortable dinner. I still felt like shit. So I left and did the whole turn around and watched him walk away for a second and then pulled out of there and drove home. He didn’t meet my look back, he walked straight back inside. But right as I was pulling into my neighborhood he called to tell me one last time to not find Mr. Right and to not give up on him. I told him not to forget about me. We discussed how we were not going to be strangers and said love you’s and got off the phone. If he hadn’t called to say that I know I would probably feel much worse right now.

Things are hopeful but we will just see how things go. But it does hurt to feel unwelcome in someone’s life that you love and care about so much. My biggest worry is that he will forget what it’s like to be with me, and think that there is or find something else that’s better. It’s hard and painful to think that things aren’t going to work out, and that just makes me think of all the good things that I will miss.

Sentimental thought:
Being close and in a way making love or showing love didn’t always involve sex w/ Blake, just snuggling was as good if not better. It was like ecstasy. But, I hope that didn’t give the wrong impression. Sex w/ him was awesome as well and has been the best that I have experienced thus far in my life. I’ve never came so many times in my entire sexual history. Every thing about it felt connected, wonderful, and loving. Can’t really describe it, unless I were to go into more erotic details. Which maybe I will another day. If things are over it’ll will be hard to eventually find someone to match it. But there are so many other important things that come into play and that I will miss, but I am tired again and this was a long post. Maybe I’ll finish all my thoughts another time.

Goodnight.

4/16/04 2 AM ~My regrets~

1/14/05 2am

So I went out tonight and now I am sitting here w/ a cranberry vodka drink. My sister made me have a drink w/ her so I did and now she is passed out. But she has to work tomorrow.

Her and I went completely through http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/ If you haven’t checked it out you really should. So that site sparked a post idea. I am going to name as many of my regrets that I can think of.

1. I wish I hadn’t told my Dad to go to hell when I was 15. I wish I knew what I know today and I think we may have been able to have a better relationship. But I was a stubborn, some what intelligent kid who just didn’t give up on her beliefs or point of views.
So the last straw was when my Dad and I got into some random fight that I don't even remember anymore. I was upset and called my Mom to come get me. I packed most of my clothes and other misc things that I might need and walked out the front door to my Mom’s car. My father was coming out after me and in the middle of my sob I said ' Go to hell, Dad!'. I think that stopped him dead in his tracks and I just got into the car was driven away.
A few weeks later the rest of my stuff was unexpectedly delivered to my Mom’s house. My room at his house was repainted and given to one of my step brothers w/o my knowing and for sure against my wishes. I never forgave him for that. He still blames it on me. That was the last time I ever stayed in his house. Now I think since I walked out on my own Father I can walk out on anybody. But I would prefer not to make any mistakes in doing so.

2. I think back to a past relationship and I wish I would have said ‘You have a small ass dick anyways! Fuck you!, fuck your money!, fuck your mom! and fuck off! you selfish asshole!’ so much sooner than over 2 ½ yrs into knowing him. It was one of the best things I ever said to my EX. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was standing outside of friends apt and I left him standing at the bottom of the stairs and said all that on my way up to her door. However, I turned around and he had followed me up the stairs, I just hadn’t noticed.
I never really talked shit like that before, I’ve called him an asshole or something lame but I never have been into talking shit just to tear someone down. But finally he pushed me to the edge that it came flying out of my mouth. That was our last fight. I should left out that he had a small penis. Oh and as far as the money thing, we had this cell phone deal together and I owed him $50 bucks. I didn’t want to give it to him after he pissed me off so bad. But, I did end up giving him his money that night -just so you know.

3. Another EX bf thing. We once got into a fight in his car, when I am really pissed I can't get words to come out of my mouth for some reason when it comes to boyfriends. So I just sit there silently stare and hate. Well since I couldn’t get any words out I spit on him instead. I wish it would have landed on his face instead of his shoulder. I think my silence is because I never want to say something that I'll want to take back. Once words are out they can never be fully taken back.

4. One last lump of EX bf regrets. This is the one fight that I take full responsibility for, and just for all the hell he put me through I wish I had kicked his car 10x harder than I did that night. Oh, and I also wish that when he punched his windshield and broke it he would have really done some damage instead of just cracking it. This would have been the best; the time he threw my purse I wish I would have picked up it and smashed it right back into his fucking head. And that’s all. Not so bad for 3 years. Actually I regret that it lasted almost 3 years.

5. I regret stealing this girl's pipe and sack when I was in HS.

6. I regret putting my Mom through stress when I was a trouble maker.

7. I regret some of the drugs I did.

8. I regret some of the guys I dated.

9. I regret not being able to always speak my mind, on some subjects I am overly cautious and sensitive to other peoples feelings. Maybe too much counseling taught me to be more selective about what and how I say things. I never want to overreact.

10. I regret not taking school seriously in the beginning.

1 1. I don’t regret, but I feel bad I hurt some girls feelings over a guy. It’s been almost a year now and we are still dating, but it hasn’t been perfect.

12. I regret being an overly honest person. I need some things for myself.

13. I regret the times I have been cold or overly casual to people when I shouldn’t have been.

14. I regret the times I shut people out when I needed them the most.

15. I regret being overly cautious in life and not taking more risks.

16. I am going to stop before I regret this post.

4/15/05 You Gotta Check This Out!

It's really interesting!

www.postsecret.blogspot.com

1-27-05 DRUNK GIRL, bad water and Yasmin leaving

01-27-05 3:22 p.m.

Wow, it’s been a while since I last posted. So lets see what is new...I got drunk a few times this week and then last night I totally crashed. Tonight I think I might crash again bc I am not feeling great. My back hurts, ears are plugged, and my insides & lungs are sore too. Not sure what that means…. The water in phoenix went bad, not sure if its good yet...maybe that what’s wrong w/ me. I puked in the bathroom of a bar this week. How funny. Ill post that story at the bottom of this. So I feel like crap today. I kinda want to go to the Dr but don’t think I am sick enough yet. Yasmin leaves on Monday. :( That will be a very hard day for me. Tomorrow we are suppose to have girls night out. I am hoping that I will feel ok to go out with them. Sunday Yasmin and I might go to the Dubliner for their anniversary party. It’s an Irish pub near our houses. Very cool little place. I’ll miss Yasmin a lot after she leaves.

I miss Blake. I wish he would hang out with me. GET BETTER U ASS!

OK well that’s about it, wish I had more to say.

DRUNK GIRL STORY 1/25/05

So anyway this is kinda funny...so 4 of us meet up and go to the Sail Inn. Its in Tempe and i would describe it as a fun shit hole. So anyway the bartender....Viki has a drink called the Viki Special. She said it was a strong but very good drink, so we all order one. I watch her make our drinks...this woman fills the entire glass almost to the rim with Vodka...dumps in a splash of pineapple/peach? and cranberry juices. Like no kidding a ~splash~. I look over at Yasmin scared, she recommended this drink. The bartender Viki brings us our drinks and then continues to tell us she 'loves to get us cute college girls drunk, we are what bring the men around' I'm thinking...hmmph lady that’s kinda weird'. She laughs as she walks away.

As weird as she was she did get the last laugh.Her drink was awesome so then I start my 2nd one already wasted blabbing about anything and everything. Yasmin, Megan and Jen are all laughing at me. I'm telling them that if the drunk hippie comes back I will simply get up and walk to another table. That poor guy, all he kept saying was "so you girls into local music? You guys should come to Chasers sometime, that would be awesome man! yeah!" I guess his drunk friend fell in the parking lot and broke his hand so he was taken to the hospital. The drunk hippie stumbled out after that.

Well this sensation of uncomfort starts to come over me...I sit there drink, smoke, talk, continue the night and then food enters my mind-but DAMN IT no one else is hungry so no one wants to leave and drive somewhere. So I sit there some more. Still uncomfortable. But sipping and talking. Finally after a while I know I am now done. I announce interrupting people talking that I am going home. They offer to go get food ~YAY(they must have known I should not have been driving at that point). So we finish up, I’m excited about food. Still feeling uncomfortable though.

So I stand up to leave, I remember this like it was in slow motion. I stand up, turn and start to walk...and then it hits me; I am going to be sick! I'm trying to swallow/breathe and do things to lessen the sensation. I head into the bathroom thinking that if I splash some water on my face and just breathe it'll go away. Well no, that didn’t happen, as soon as I flung that door open and walked into the bathroom the situation had come to a head.. I threw up 3 times in the toilet. It was horrible. But Yasmin being that gall she is had one of those portable little finger tooth brushes. It was very convenient. Yay Yasmin.

So there Viki, you'd be proud. I had a few of The Viki Specials and then continued to have a few very very special moments with your toilet, that was actually very clean I might add. But the important thing here folks is this; I woke up...-on time- and made it to work and now am sitting here in front of my computer telling you about it. I'm not that big of a loser! :) OH! and I didn’t get any throw up in my hair!

Here’s a funny quote
"All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy"

01-17-05 Blake and Yasmin meet

01-17-05 3:17 p.m.

Blake and Yasmin met and hit it off really well this past weekend. That was really cool. We all got drunk, Yasmin the drunkest -but it was all in good fun. Blake even had a blast considering he was the only guy and Yasmin was talking about having babies - it was very funny. I would love to have a repeat of that night. Maybe another guy for Yasmin so she wouldn’t feel lonely, but then Yasmin wouldn’t act like Yasmin and it wouldn’t be as much fun. Oh well. It’ll be figured out. The cool thing about everything considering the fact I haven’t seen Blake in a while it wasn’t overly uncomfortable like it has been before. It was at times bc Yasmin would talk to us like we were married and that’s def not the case. But, I think we both just looked at the poor drunk girls mouth it was coming out of. Or maybe I just did and it didn’t bother Blake. Sorry Yasmin, hope that doesn’t offend you. Blake did something sweet, he called me at 7 in the morning to tell me he had a good time. TG he did bc I overslept and was almost late for work. And plus it was nice to hear his voice so soon. Lets see how long I have to wait to hear it again though….

Ok so here’s another thing I just thought of. At one point on sat night before Yasmin got there I was on the phone with her and when I got off Blake was trying to tell me ‘if had things to go do, then go do it’ and then told me Yasmin sounded like a guy. I got my phone out and showed him my call list -not a guy. Now, if I were to do that to him I am sure he would think I was crazy. That would go under Blake’s category of ‘psycho girl bull shit’. And if it was something that happened a lot I would be under the category of ‘psycho ex gf’. OH and I can’t go outside and smoke and talk on the phone bc he thinks that’s shady. Never mind the fact he thinks its totally cool to not see me for 2 weeks. Whatever. I guess I’ll be the bigger person there.
ta ta

12-30-04 Time gap & Back Together

12-30-04 8:31 p.m.
hey there,
So its been a while since I last updated, dog guy and peck guy are old news. Peck guy got jealous WAY to fast and dog guy just fizzled, our senses of humor just clashed.

Not else happened is the past few weeks to mention besides that Blake and I got back together. He did wait for an excuse (that I gave him) to see me. Breaking up is hard to do, and in some ways getting back together is harder. This isn’t easy. I wonder now if its worth it. not sure. I hope so, but we will see. Last night I hung out with him and it was the first time ever that I thought about saying I love you to him. I didn’t bc I am not sure if I really do and i dont take that lightly. Even if I knew for sure i wouldnt tell him anyways. i dont quite trust him w/ my feelings right now. But anyway I am just going to hand write in my journal tonight so adios

11/14/04 The 1st of me -friends, EXs, family

11/14/05 8:00 p.m.

so hey....This is the first time I've ever played around w/ an online diary. The idea is really interesting. I live in phoenix AZ. It's a fun place...Well not really. Its kinda boring and not much to do unless you are 21, and then you can drink and party but that's only really fun for so long until you realize you're around the same fucks that you have been around for past 6 months. Then at least for me -get bored.

Its just another Sunday night and I am just dreading the thought that I have to go to work tomorrow. Gosh I hate that place but everyone has to do it and I am sure there are other millions & millions of people thinking the same thing.

so more about me.... i have a handful of good friends, guys are always bouncing in and out but that's how it is for most girls, good family life but like everyone we have skeletons in the closet. I'm just another middle class girl that gets swept off her feet in this crazy world. It'll probably be easier to write once I am more established on this diary thing. I have a real journal and it seems so easier to write in that than to type this gibberish here but I guess the thought that someone might read this is a little more sobering & inspiring. I'll try to make sense in case some one does actually reads this....

One of my really good friends is leaving soon to go 'down under' for school, she is from and still has family in the Sidney and New Castle area. So that'll be sad but she'll come home after the semester abroad. Its weird Yasmin and I have been friends since the 8th grade and always lived down the street from each other. Last year we went our separate ways for a while and then some how we ended up down the street from each other again....Now that has to be fate don't you think? What's really cool is it's like we never parted and we just hooked up from where we left off, but better bc where we left off was shitty times. Things are really awesome. Life works in interesting ways.

That's happen to me before w/ other close friends...I don't know if its going back to your roots or what but its really cool and weird. Example Jen and I were friends starting at the 3rd grade and then we went our separate ways after I moved to another school in the 8th grade. Then somehow we both got kicked out of HS after freshman year and both ended up at the same reject school. And then there's Megan, we were really close 8th grade and stopped talking after I got kicked out of HS and then Christmas eve last year I had nothing to do and felt kinda shitty so I went for a drive and saw her in traffic. That sums up that story.

I don't know many other friendship stories but I think mine are interesting. So those are my girls. We are all loners in our own little way, you wouldn't consider us a clique. But most of us hang out regularly. Jen and Yasmin don't have great history but everyone else gets along pretty well. Based on what I have gone thru so far you would probably imagine me as somebody that I am not. We are all above average looking girls and are really social we just don't get wrapped up in drama or the 'scene' whatever that is at the time. So there it is.

I was dating a guy for about 6mos and we recently broke up. I am trying to force myself out with other guys to kinda help get over it and its really hard. Guys suck. But I am sure guys think that girls suck....But whatever. This one guy Cory seems to really like me and calls quite often and I just don't feel it for him, but then I don't feel strongly for any guy at first and then I realize I could fall hard for this guy. So I don't want to string him along but I don't want to let him go too soon and not allow myself a chance to like him. I guess I am not one of those lucky people that just 'knows' if I am going to like someone. The guys I have somewhat liked I noticed right off the bat, but I always questioned if I really liked them. But I have gotten my heart stomped on 2x now so that's a downer.

The guy I have the most history with was Cary. We met when I was 17 and he was 21. We were involved w/ each other off and on for almost 3 yrs, and then he told me that we just weren't meant for each other, he doesn't feel like himself around me, and that he pretended to be happy w/ me. Cary and I shared the big group of friends and that made our drama even harder to deal w/. So after our last break up I disappeared from our crowd. I had already been making distance from them for a few months prior, but I totally split after that. It was just to hard and he had been friends w/ all those people longer. So I was going to start over, and try and build a new social life for myself.

Cary and I tried to do the whole friend thing just between him and I but he just recently told me his new gf is jealous of us talking and he thinks this girl is perfect for him everything but her looks so he wants to respect her feelings meaning that we couldn't be friends. I hope everything works out for him w/ that. I am over him but he'll always be in my heart.

Blake... well that one only lasted 6mos but it was really intense. I never was called a slut before him and then you'd ask why would I even want to be w/ a guy that said that to me but relationships aren't that easily defined if that makes sense. But anyway Blake in a lot of ways was soo great and I thought he may have been my match in some ways, but he was a bit older than me. Most would people wonder what a an older guy is doing still single and w/ a younger girl....but I didn't own up to that truth that maybe he had a problem w/ settling down. Like I said we were really intense and maybe hung out too much w/ each other too soon and then he broke up w/ me. Later I found out he had started dating some other girl the last week or 2 while we were together. Lying cheating bastard.

I was really surprised how we broke up. All I have to compare it to is Cary. Cary and I broke up so many times and when we broke up; Cary still felt like Cary and we always tried to be friends afterward but with Blake it was very cold, almost felt like it was my fault & he was very cut and dry w/ me. I really kept my cool when he broke up w/ me, I didn't show much emotion and was very cool and went out of my way to keep things friendly(not in that way) ....Then he paraded around the other girl in front of one of our mutual friends a week and 1/2 after our break up and that really hurt. That really really hurt! I hated him after that. I think that was the most disrespectful thing to do. So i am not keeping what i am doing a secret. He obviously didnt want that girl on DL. But I still kept my cool for another 2 weeks and then I went back and read this email from him that was just so fucking rude and I finally responded to it & I gave it to him straight and it probably made him feel stupid & selfish. It actually wasn't that bad of an email, I didn't like tell him to go drive his truck off a cliff or anything. Just gave my straight opinion which was warranted. He then called me 2x -I didn't answer. So he left me this message saying he was disappearing from my life. Which was really funny bc it was like 'HELLO PAL you already disappeared from my life w/ some other bitch. I know you are gone and at the end of my email I already said if you hate me after you read this then that's your choice and what happens -happens for a reason' so to call me 2x to say BYE so rudely was unnecessary. But whatever. Maybe it made him feel better to do that. The thing that sucks is that I still miss him sometimes...

One thing that does feel good about all this is I guess the girl he's w/ now is a real whack job. She is his age w/ 2 'missing' kids that her EX 'stole" from her and she did some weird stuff like I guess she left a big string of hickeys on his chest in the shape of a heart after 2 weeks of dating....And also I guess she's the type of girl that throws herself at people so they like her and she even asked my best friend about Blake and I's break up. WEIRDO! So Yay for B. Looks like he has something special there. I dont want to even think about her and him anymore so thats enough about that stupid asshole.

I went and saw this sneak peek premier of this movie that they are getting peoples opinion on before they release it. It was called 'sisterhood of the traveling pants' its based on some book that I haven't read and now that I've seen the movie I probably wont -but the movie was really good except that when we agreed to do it, they said the age group they were looking for was 18-25 or something and when we got there it was a theater full of little girls and their moms. The only men that were there were the guys that made the movie & they sat in their little reserved seating area...And plus there was no seating available! We had to sit in the front row! But the movie was good. For sure a chick flick. They had to search us and even waved a metal detector in front of us to make sure we didnt have recoding equipment. It was humorous.

well anyways not sure what else I could write about. uh.... I grew up in Scottsdale if you know where that is and my parents divorced when I was 8 and I don't talk to my dad much but he's still around. He remarried some girl that I didn't end up getting along w/. But what can you expect? Life isn't perfect. My mom is still single and she likes that I guess. She's left 2 men in divorce, 1st my half sisters dad, and then mine. She's a good looking woman & very independent. I got a younger lil brother and plus my older sis. All my dads family is back east in Ohio. My moms fam-damily is here in AZ 3rd generation.

But I gotta go -more later.

My Music

My favorite songs
keep scrolling down

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go blind
Some kind of light into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.
Fade into youStrange you never knew
Fade into youI think it's strange you never knew
A stranger's light comes on slowly
A stranger's heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart
Fade into youS
trange you never knew
Fade into youI think it's strange you never knew
Fade into youStrange you never knew
Fade into youI think it's strange you never knew
I think it's strange you never knew

ColdPlay - Clocks
Lights go out and I can’t be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have bought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead
Singing
Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
And a trouble that can’t be named
A tiger’s waiting to be tamed
Singing
You are
You are
Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and the ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know
Singing come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease
Singing
You are,you are
You are,you are
You are,you are
You are,you are
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
You are,you are
Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go(you are)
Home, home, where I wanted to go(you are)

ColdPlay - Yellow
And it was called yellow.
So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow.
Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.
I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all yellow,
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all yellow.
Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something
beautiful,
And you know for you,
I’d bleed myself dry for you,
I’d bleed myself dry.
It’s true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine.
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.


Perfect Circle - The Noose
So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heaven's help
You cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead
Recall the deeds as if
They're all someone else's Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead
With your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down[repeated]
Your halo slipping down to choke you now


Perfect Cirlce - The Nurse Who Loved Me
Say hello to the rug's topography
It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it
Say hello to the shrinking in your head
You can't see it but you know its there so don't neglect it
I'm taking her home with me all dressed in white
She's got everything I need pharmacy keys
She's falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes
She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys
Say hello to all the apples on the ground
They were once in your eyes but you sneezed them out while sleeping
Say hello to everything you've left behind
It's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it
I'm taking her home with me all dressed in white
She's got everything I need some pills in a little cup
She's falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes
She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys
Say hello to the rugs topography...


David Grey - This Years Love
This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long
When you hold me like you doIt feels so right, oh now
Start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feelin' like I can't go on.
Turnin' circles time again
Cut like a knife, oh now
If you love me got to know for sure
Cuz' it takes something more this time
Then sweet, sweet lies, oh now
Before I open up my arms and fall losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet?
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
Cuz' whose to worry if our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on
Won't you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feetSingin' ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last, whoa
This years love had better last.

MORE PICS!

The About 'Me' Page

Hi, I'm Rachael, (pronounced Rachel, some get confused)

A little about me...

Born and raised here in Phoenix, AZ area.

I'm always going back to school.

My family is crazy.

I have been dating a guy names Blake or aka 'B' since 5/04. The B thing is just for quicker typing. I dont know. It's just what I do. I started by abbrevaiting people but then I didnt have enough letters so screw it, I just startedspelling out the full name.

I am not sure why I started this blog in the first place so long ago, but now I logged back in and maybe will continue after a few year haitus?
Probably bc I am a nerd and have nothing better to do.

Work: I work in accounting, bookkeeping, etc. Fun stuff - not!

At the moment my life is pretty boring and ill probably continue to write boring posts, but oh well! Dont read them then!

So seriously - my life consists of working, going to school, living with B, seeing my friends and family when i a free few minutes. So welcome to the read. It'll probably be boring.