Hello again....

I guess I am back again. I took a nap and slept in WAY late so I have missed the fire works. OH well. Its so crazy that this time last year I was out with Blake at his friends house. WOW. Time flies.

Well I guess here's a big FUCK YOU & adios to all the people that I have began to learn to live with out (the fuck you has been on its way). Some have been easier than others. I think that could be expected. But there's no room for people that don't support me, that cause me anguish/drama, that have been selfish, and that don't always have my best interest in mind. Screw you. Seriously I just don't care have you around. There are so many better things about me that I believe that will carry me far away from this place in my life. So I simply dont need or want you around. Here's the door!

Which that makes me start on another thing...
My life seems to work in spurts. For some reason with me when it rains it pours. I seem to have light to moderate stress through out the year. But it seems that there are a few mos in each year that are extremely harder than others. It seems to me that despite whatever I am doing or who I am dating or who I am friends with that I kinda trudge through it alone. Perhaps its something I am to complete and get through alone but in some ways that makes me somewhat mad bc the people that are suppose to be close to me I think should help me through those times, not like get me out of the problem but mentally be there for me so I have some support. But instead I feel like they in some ways the few people that do stick around actually drag me down or add stress.

BAD TIMING for that. It's bad enough that I have been so stressed that I have not gotten my period. I mean isn't that enough? That's a crazy emotional roller coaster on its own. But I suppose not. That is not enough. I have to somehow get through all this on my own. And I think for the most part I have so maybe it was for me to get throughout alone. Who knows? But I didn't end up needing that hug or that just calling to see how you are doing.. or whatever it was. But those small things do mean so much. Like inside I a really am mush. I mean even sweet little text messages that I would get from friends I kept in my inbox just so I could read them again. I saved a message from B from a long time. It was him telling me he was snuggling with my pillow and that he wished that I was with him. That was probably from almost a year from now. And like I said I kept little things that my friends sent me. Just for good thoughts. So maybe I am kinda of a mush and take things a little more deeply but I just in some ways resent my friends and family for not being better support for me during the hard times.

I have said this before and I will say it again now I feel like in some ways that I have just gone through a mid life crisis. and WOW I am almost shot emotionally. I don't think I could take more. On a lighter note I think if everyone else fails that my friend Jeff will always be there for me. Even though we will have are own fights and turbulent times I think that he will be there till the end. I mean even if I went nutso and had to be put into a institution he would still care about me and I think he would be one of the few that would come see me through that. So I love you Jeff. He doesn't have this web pages address but its the shout out that counts. I guess out of everyone besides the obvious he's been a helping hand through this last week that has been so rough on me. So thank you for that. I really appreciated it.