My Magical Moment in the Rain

My older sister and I went out and really played in the rain last night. I've never done it like that before. It was so much fun. I think it is going to be a moment I remember forever.

Sweeten (my Sis) went out to get Mom's car windows rolled up. Mom and I stayed on the porch to watch it come down. It was coming down very hard for Az standards that we had to watch. Sweeten just being in the rain for a few seconds comes back completely drenched. As she sprinted back to the porch she was hopping around and it totally inspired me run full fledge out there in the windy wetness. She followed. Even Mom came out for a min or two before she got cold and sat on the front porch in her robe and watched.

We splashed around in the puddles, ran down the street, danced under the street lamps, and we even threw our heads back and let our mouths gape open. It was such a moment. We were like little kids out there. It felt so good to let the rain spray my face and soak my long hair. I can only imagine how silly we looked to the few cars that drove by with our hair plastered to sides of our heads, shirts clinging to our bodies and just dancing around like idiots. But we didn't care one bit. We were probably out there for a good 20-30min just laughing, splashing, & swinging our arms around; and it continued to rain and rain and rain. It poured for a good hour or two. It was such a pure and innocent moment. I'll remember it forever.

Courtesy

When someone makes possible plans with you isn't it common courtesy to make a call and cancel them or to postpone them?

I think yes and today I was mildly blown off. It feels kinda shitty.

I keep on telling myself it's not that big of a deal. But I am obviously bothered by it or I wouldnt think about it. So here I am now blogging about it. I am not devastated.

Perhaps I am looking for a reason to be upset or to throw a fit. I dont know. I was looking forward to it. So it's a disapointment. I heard the 'maybe' when the conversation was taking place and so why not let me know that it's 'maybe not going to happen today'?

Which 'maybe' anything I usually deem as BS in the first place...

In most ways I think I am a respectful person. So I have this expectation for other people. When someone calls and I dont answer - I call them back. If possible plans are made, I make a point to cancel them in a respectful fashion if something happened and I can not keep my word. If I have something unpleasant to say I try to be nice about it. Now, that last part may not always happen, but at least I can say I try.

In the end I think that people that don't reach out and do this are kinda rude. I think it careless & disrespectful of them. It's a simple phone call. It's not hard. So just fucking do it.

But yes, I was blown off, sort of.

And how does one go about pointing this out? Do I not go out with them next time an offer is extended? Do I just point blank say that I didnt like that? Do I go as far to tell them that since I am not important that the feeling is now mutual? I dont know. I am confusd. I start to think that if they have no care for me and my time then they are not worth spending time with anyways.

So there it is bitch # 789,253

~~~~~~

On a brighter note (he he) I was at the college today and was waiting to talk to a counseler. Well I overheard this guy talking about a class I had enrolled in. Well Mr. Guy rolls over to the table I am waiting at and takes a seat. As he was walking over I noticed he was hot and then that I knew him from middle school... I had a crush on him :D

Well he immediatly starts to fill out some school form and I ask him if he went to such and such school. He says yes. And then he stares all hard at me as to figure out if he knew me. I told him the story, we talked about the teacher and then I asked him what classes he's taking. He names the class I am in. We compare time and section #'s are low and behold we are in the same CIS class. YAY! Hot boy is in MY class. We talk and then he's going to another school dept to finish enrollment.

Maybe me and hot buy will sit together! And flirt and show each other our notes*.

Wishful thinking.

oh well. it helps.

Also I would like to say that I love my Mom and that although she has been able to fork out the cash for everything my little heart desires she did tried & did a fine job doing what she could. I love her very much. I have no idea where I would be if it were not for her. Sometime she can overly frustrate me and I dont like that when i have so much going on.

~~~~~~

I have not given a B report bc I have none. He's probably an ass. But at least I know he's been busy doing projects around his house that he 'wants to finish before I come over & says I'll be amazed'. Who knows what that is...

The good news is that I am moving on in my own way. Whatever way it goes is OK. I really have no desire to see him if it really is a done deal. Dont need to confuse myself. We are suppose to get together soon but who knows? I sure dont.

Since we are techinically not together at this point I am not living as if we are together. I havent really given out my number in the 'like ~ like you' sort of way. Don't think that is possible as of yet being that I was with him for 15mos. But I did give my number to an old friend that I used to work with that found me on the net. I always thought he was cute but never really did anything with it. I would like to just go out and have a good time. Maybe flirt and get to know what that feels like again. Is that bad? I dont think so. I havent flirted in soo long. I think it would be fun and feel good.

~~~~~

Another random:

Yesterday I was at the grocery store helping my Sister jump her car. She was all upset bc she thought at the time it was her alternater that went out and how expensive it would be and blah blah she was visably upset.

Well up walks up two girls. They have a name tag on from church. At first I think they are LDS or morman.

They ask if we need help and we say 'no thx' nicel and they sit there and stare. She starts to ask me if I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Well instead of being rude & telling them I am not interested in thier version of God or Jesus Christ I think that if I tell them I am active in my own faith that they wont bother me about theirs. Well they tell me about where thier church is and yada yada. I tell them I was raised Catholic & out of curiousity ask what religion they are. They tell me Christian.

I think Oh ok.

And then she continues to ask if she can come back to my house to talk about Jesus & Christianity.

I know my scrunched up my nose and then said "you want to come to my house?"

She looks all nervous and says 'yes'.

I am thinking that I have never heard of other Christians being so out right about these sort of things especially after claiming my own 'faith'. They want to come over? Are they serious? They must be weirdos.

So I tell them that wouldnt work but to give me a card and maybe I'll visit the church, . They give me a card and list their #'s. Other words were exchanged and then they walked off.

I am sitting there like 'what the hell?' Christians dont do that! Not here anyways!

Well Sis and I leave and go home. We are later telling my Mom the story & Sis calls them Mormans. I corrected her saying "NO NO they were Christians".

She says "really?" all curious like...

I was all "yeah they were from 'The Church Of latter Day Saints. They were Christians."

Sweeten looks at me, laughs and says "Thats LDS Rachael. They were Morman, but the correct term is LDS ie Latter Day Saints."

I say "oh......(long pause) why didnt they just say that? They called themselves Christians?!"

Everyone laughs but me.

And that's how the LDS fooled me, and how I made myself seem very ignorant.

But i thought it was funny.

OK Ta ta.

The brat is back

School has been figured out and the fee has been paid. I think I just boiled over in frustration. School is not easy when you have so much paper work to catch up on! Hope everyone will excuse the tude!

I got my schedule and it perfect times and I will get to work on time. Yay.

School & mom problems

So I overslept yesterday and I didnt make it to the college as planned. BUT I went today and guess what? I am not as big of a dumb ass as I orginally thought. I took my testing and I was bit surprised with the score I ended up with. My Eng is up to par, my math is beyond what I thought it would be. I tested into102 (which is were I should be), but I am going to take 092 bc I am very slow w/ math & I know that I could use a brush up.

Also I have always been more of a reader than a writer and for some reason my writing surpasses my reading scores. When taking the test I would have thought it was the other way around but I suppose not.

~~~~~

So my Mom has dropped the ball. I am very grateful to have her moral support and love. But I get so mad at her bc she hasnt always made the best choices for herself and these have affected the family. I didnt get along with my Father and so I lived with her for most part. We typically get along great. But when I need her help she is the last to come forward with anything. Now its school. I asked her for my B-DAY to help pay a college fee. Well guess what? Today that fee has not been paid. And she 'cant be bothered at work'. When was my B-day? December! So now since school is so close to starting I can no longer get into a Eng class. I tested well in English. I was excited to take english...but NOOOO.

Getting my Fasfa fill out was a nightmare on its own and yet again I am having to pull the weight of a parent on my own. And if you think I am sounding like a brat then you better check yourself right now. I have paid for everything on my own for the most part since I was 16. 2 days after my 16 bday I got a job and have worked and paid for everything from cellphone, clothes, cars, insurance, rent and whatever on my own. Granted I didnt pay rent at 16, but at 19 I did.

Very rarely will my parents jump in and pay for anything. My Dad will every so often, maybe like 1x-2x a year. My Mom? She has never been able to. When she divorced my Dad that was probably the worst financial choice she ever made. But perhaps maybe the best choice she made for herself. The consequence of this is we have always been just barely been OK. Had she just stuck to what she went to school for and worked like any other Mother would we would have been better off. But my Mom has always wanted the 'sexy business woman' postions. And so it was her always making some risky career move that would force us to make so many sacrafices.

Out of all my siblings that resented her for this I always stood by her and had the attitude 'as long as you are happy' but now I am angry. I want to go to school. I know parents that beg their kids to go and offer to pay for all of it and yad yada. The only financial burden this had on her was a WHOPPING $160.00 fee that I asked her to pay for my B-DAY for fucks sake and she still managed to make this harder on me than it needed to be.

I am so fed up with this crap. I have made so mmay changes in my life for school that if I get fucked out this bc of her I will be livid. LIVID. It was never my duty to be my own parent...and people wonder why I am so bossy and a know it all. Well I would think this is partly due bc I was left to figure shit out on my own. Even this job I have, making squat diddly shit on a stick was so I could GOT TO SCHOOL. FUCK! Is it that hard? I mean do I have a right to be pissed? I dont ask for much and the little I do I am slammed for and you know what she said to me the other week? That sometimes I talk to her as if she owes me something. I asked for an example of this and she got upset and said she would point it out when it happened again. Nothing has been pointed out. Hmm I wonder if this could be her guilt of not being able to provide what she thinks she owes. Is this my problem?

Oh and I am also in the dog house bc SHE CO SIGNED on my car it dropped her credit score a bit....IS THIS MY FAULT? I'm sorry she cant get THE VERY BEST interest rate on her refi, that she'll get knocked up a few percents but that IS LIFE - right? Not everything is perfect. She should know this by now.... I would think anyways... oh and let me add she made the so sign a fucking hay day as well. And thats all she had to do to help me with the damn car.

I gotta got and deal with some fundings...
So sad how a day or even a post that stated out generally happy and is now turned to this.

Verbage

I slept for the majority of the day. Now I am all wired. So I figured I'd post.

Well tomorrow I am going down to finish up my enrollment for school. Very excited. Also excited that some how I figured out how to survive working part time and having a car payment, rent and etc. I would encourage anyone to work part time. It's brought me so much peace, (sometimes boredom) but I think it might be worth it. Some people may not understand this.

I have figured out a basic school schedule. Hopefully I will have time to talk to a counselor. Or I wont, who knows.

~~~~~

Somedays I feel kind of numb. I have had a few days like that recently. Nothing seems like its worth even talking about. Kinda sad.

I would like to meet some new people. I think it would be fun. I have never made a friend from anyone that has been in any of my classes before but I am hoping that will change this semester.

I am lonely sometimes and I miss feeling close to people. I just dont want to go back to the type of life I had before.

But Jeff just called and he gives the best talks so I am going do that. I love him, he is my very best friend that lives in Ca.
Here's a pic for all of you to see

BLAHHH!

I love these fairies.

Oh Gosh. I am wiped out. It's 2pm and I am still freaking tired. Went out last night and saw a kida band play that went to the same HS as me and Yazer.

It was a blast from the past! Kinda trippy, old friends I used to hang with look exactly the same. So werid.

But then I started to get bored after a few hours of being there. The friends I was with were a little drunkered so they were OK hanging. Me Ms. Driver didnt want to get totally smashed.

The weekend overall was fun though. Fri Yaz came over and we just dorked around and talked and it was a lot of fun bc we hadnt had a lot of time to just hang just the two of us, oh and wine ws involved. And Saturday Yaz came over in the morning and we made breakfast together. I learned the art of pancakes. Very nice.

I wish i had more to say. There are new pics below if you would like to sneek a peak.

Besides that all is well. I hope everyone had a good weekend too.

Maybe I will muster up a real post later.

For the curious

Pics of Blake, Yazi, Myself, and my all time favorite doggy Rick James.

These are old and bad. They were taken before Yasmin left to study abroad.
B has more on his comuter, if I get a chance I put those better ones up.

A bit intoxicated at like 3am...

Blake making a funny face...

Blake and I drunkered w/ him looking kinda weird

Just a very drunk moment when I so very in love with B and Yaz.

These last 2 are my famorite bc of the memory behind it. We had just gotten back from the local water hole & Yasmin just got her cool new digital camera. So Blake took it and we started playing Mr. Photographer but uh he is not a good one -but he tried. It funny bc we were all plastered sitting on the floor, leaning on the very comfy leather couches that we could have been sitting in. But hey, we were plowed.

I am a dork ~&~ About my Dad

I got up early and decided I was going to go finish up some testing today at the college and what ya know the testing center was closed!
Ha so I drove 15miles for nada. I should have called first. But I called on Tues and I thought they had said they were open Mon-Fri. Weird. Even thought that the parking lot was empty even for summer.

So Since I was in my 'old hood' I drove by my old friends house that I havent talked to since I shut down my cell phone. This was the one that thought I was trying to get a hold of her so she emailed to say 'call again' (it wasnt me in the first place) - anyways she wasnt home. And After I drove off to get back on the freeway I got a feeling that I wasnt ready for that yet anyways and I got weirded out.

So I am a werido I know, I know. Its ok though. I wont be forever.

But today for some reason I am feeling a bit better.

I really should just change my blog addy bc I started to write something about B but I am afraid he is reading so I deleted it. I even have a stat counter but ya never know. Paraniod much? Yes I am. Why? Bc he is smart and could be sneaky. He probably doesnt care. But ya never never know.

So I guess we will skip that topic...

~~~~~~~~~

Reading Rubens blog about his health issues kinda inspired me to write about my families problems....

I have never really mentioned my Dad on here. My parents divorced when I was 8. Not the nastiest divorces I have seen but bad enough that it was rough on us. My little brother was put into counseling as a little boy 6/7 years old. For some reason though we seemed younger, oh I think they put him counseling bf it was final. But they were far from being together.

But anyways, my Dad got an illness and I wont say what it was out of respect for his wishes for privacy but it affected his liver (He’s ok now). But my Dad or anyone in my family are not big drinkers. We just can't hang. I can and I like too, but I would rather come home and smoke a doobie than to crack open a 6 pack. But anyways, both of my parents aren’t big drinkers. So it wasn’t from that. Not so simple.

The Dr put him on a chemo treatment. Not the extremely harsh ones that make all of your hair fall out but bad enough he was sick from it. His hair thinned out and turned grey (we have super thick hair in family) plus he lost weight and was really skinny. That was hard, bc he seemed so human. Not my super strong Dad. He’s short(like me), but we are all pretty solid people.

Had to go to the hospital 2x One time it was after I kinda knew he was sick but I didn’t know the severity. He had to stay for over a week and he called me after his release to tell me what had happened. From what I am told one night he had a bad reaction to the chemo or something went wrong(drs don’t know) bc he passed out in the middle of chewing some food and watching football. The paramedics came and he was in the hospital for 8 days.

I never knew he was that sick. I got mad at everyone including my brother bc no one told me. My Dad almost died, stopped breathing, was turning blue when the paramedics came and had to stay in hospital for over a week. No one wanted me to know bc my Dad didn’t want visitors and knew if I knew I would go anyways. Maybe he knew inside he would be Ok and he didn’t want us to see him so sick. I don’t know. But had he died and I didn’t get my chance to say good bye I think I would be angry in some ways. I think when a parent is sick like that you need to hug and cry together. I would have been hard to see my Dad all laid up in the hospital, but at least I would know what was going on and have a chance to say something, and make some reconciliations.

We have not always gotten along. He was too structured and I was in my crazy teens and I rebelled against it. Then he got remarried and I hated all the changes. I was the girl of the house and all of a suddne I lost that. She~ was now the woman of the house. Her and I ended up not getting along, I thought that my step brothers were spoiled, and I just didnt get the same attention I once did. My freedoms were also being taken away and I hated it and caused hell. I know I didnt handle it great, but he didn’t handle it so well either. In some ways we both messed up. I was smart and just caused him hell and he caused me the same. I had my Mom I could go run to. So I did.

We didn’t talk for a while or really see each other. I think 2or 3 X-mas's & B-days went by w/o much but a card. And then we tried to be close and WHAM he was sick. Maybe he reached out to me bc he was sick and just didnt tell me right away. I don’t know. But to think I almost lost him on such bad terms kills me. You gotta mend things like that with your family bc in reality family is all that you have.

Last night I went out with him and we stuffed ourselves on Red Lobster. And I yacked his ear off. I am good at that. He did interrupt me to say that he just had a follow up (its been 3mos) and he is still healthy w/ no new signs. The grey seems to blend in better now, he has a full head of thick hair, & he put back on some weight. He looks like my Dad again. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to see and do these things with him bc I know that not everyone is so lucky.

~Random~ Every High is met with a low

Well I thought I would picture post for once. I thought this was cool. Visit http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

OK well I guess my official explanantion for my cranky ass is this. Every high is eventually met with a low.
So I was on a high of like Rachael Power and now its starting to fizzle. Great eh? So my plan is that I will still be just fine, but that I may need to start thinking about how I am going to wrap up the few remaining issues with myself.
Also I need to accomplish one thing and then I can pick out my classes for school.

I was crankyYesterday

for some reason. I am not sure why. I know that I kept on thinking back to all the weird dreams I had. I do hate it when I have a dream and it weirds me out enough that I cant stop from thinking about it. oiy those suck.

So I went to work, ended up hooking my phone back on after like a month of it being disconnected.

Talked to my 13 yr old cousin and told her I would come pick her and her friend up to go hang out. We rolled down Mill Ave and then we went to Dennys.YUM. Actually Dennys having a special right now, cool eh? So yeah we went to Dennys and hung out and they got to smoke cigarrettes for the first time in a public restraunt. I shouldnt let them smoke, but thier Moms know so.... Not my place? I would prefer them not, but I remember that age and how important it is to be cool. Its also a very crazy age for girls...13? The unlucky number for an unlucky time.

I was crazy at that age and sure enough I see it in them as well. You gotta see the movie 13 then I think you'll understand. FYI 13 is a dramatization so its not totally true but the concept is.
So yes we went to Dennys and then we got invite to Yasmins house. They begged to go and we did.

Then it started to get really hot at Yasmins so I brought all of us to my house. I was the first one to pass out.

So it was good times.

~~~~~

So for some reason I feel a little cranky and emotionaly stressed again today. I wonder what is wrong.
Maybe I am coming to a realization that I am alone. hmm it sucks but am I ready to face my old friends? I dont know.
I think that the issue with B is coming to mind as well. Wondering if things can be put back in their place with him or if I should just flush the project. Its funny when you are younger and have an issue things are so easily fixed and when you become an adult your issues are so magnified and complicated. Its so much easier. Maybe I lost that simplicity when I dated a much older guy.

Oh well. I want to just shake it off. All my somewhat troubling thoughts. I was so hopefull and optimistic and blah blah and now I just feel like BLAH.... ahhh what a girl to do?

Hump day again

So I woke up sleeping sideways on my bed. Random but comfy....

I also had some really weird dreams about B last night. It totally weirded me out. In one of them he had a son...now thats odd.

Hmm besides that I dont have much to report. Has anyone been to myspace? well if you havent you should check it out. Its kinda cool. You can meet up with old friends there.

Well anyways, since I dont have much to say I guess thats all folks.

For now anyways.

The Good & The Bad

First I would like to send a thank you to everyone that has been so kind and supportive towards me in regards to the troubles I have had. I do appreciate it.

I would like to ensure everyone that I am OK.

I know B and I think I have an idea or two whats going on with us. However, no one can be for sure and thats just the way the cookie crumbles. Time will tell.

But more importantly I know whats going on with me.

I am overall happy with myself & and everything in my life. If shit starts to slide in a direction that I dont like (including B) trust me the garbage will be taken out (it already has once). I know now that no matter what happens I will be OK. Its a feeling that I havent had in a while and its so awesome.

If B gets weird, shady, or whatever then he will go on his way and I will on mine. Of course I will be sad but not to same degree I would be as when this all first happened. I dont have much to loose and a lot to gain.

I dont know how it all worked but I woke up one day and decided I was not going to be bothered so much about things that I have no control over. I just won't. And it worked and it changed my perspective.

And in a weird way I have learned so much from these situations. It was something that needed to happen. I am not so reliant on my relationship w/ B to be happy. It has been a while but I am happy all by myself. Usually I would be upset that things between him and I were not perfect and blah blah. But no, thats not how I am thinking. I wake up every day and feel good regardless of how that situations sits at the time. And the few times I do get bothered it passes quickly.

For once in my life I am on my own. I harldy talk to any of the people I did 1 or 2 mos ago. The friends I have are few but I dont care. I am happy. I dont have drama & I only worry about myself. I love my job and the few friends I have gained there and I am having fun hanging out with my family. It probably sounds dumb but it is what it is. My life is so simple and yet so refreshing. In some ways I miss going out with the girls, but that in itself was drama half the time too.

Also, I have been rebuilding relationships I have with my family. They all thought I hated it here and thats why I never came home and was always at his house. And maybe in ways I didnt like it here, I dont know. But my Mom and I are becoming closer again. Taylor and I are getting along pretty well and my sister and I are friends. Her and I haven't always been very close or friends, but we are working on it. And most importantly we are working on being a family together, getting along, basic life lessons & regaining closeness.

At one point Taylor was moved out, we never saw him, Sweeten my Sis was in Utah and we never saw her. It was only Mom and myself that made up the family. And then WHAM Sweeten was moving home to Az and was moving in till she got on her feet. Tay got kicked out of my Dads after he and his friends decided to go back home to their parents. And all of a sudden its a full house in like less than 2 mos. And it rocks, I come home and I always have someone to hang out with and when the house is empty I get bored sometimes but I just spend time talking to friends and vegging out.

I cant describe it any other way besides that. I do feel bad though bc yesterday I got an email from my old friends and they were asking me if I had been trying to reach them bc they got some calls, but they didnt have the right number and to call them again and leave the right number.

But I was not the one calling.

I dont know if this was a trick to get me to talk to them or what. I told my motha and she said sounds like they are trying to reunite. I think they have been all along though, it cant think of one week that i didnt get some type of email.

But I still think I want to be alone for a while longer. On my own free of social stress from them. I know its random to hear that someone just changed their number on their own social circle but I did. I couldnt stand what was happening. There were issues between M and I. J got involved and made them worse. And then everyone associated with either side of the story got involved. uhhh no thanks. I had enough going on. The only person I remained in contact was w/ B. And that itself was shitty. So we broke up for a week and I really spent some time on my own not talking to anyone and did some real thinking and soul searching. And I came out with this totally different attitude.

But anyways, I dont really know how to respond to my old friends. Even if I wanted to be part of the gang again I will get shit and guilt trips for going on my own and leaving them high and dry. I dont know if they will get the amount of stress it caused me to be friends with them with everything else I had on my plate. Dont they get when people have a hard time in life it serious shit? I felt like I was having a mid-life crisis. And they were still trying to drag me into drama land. I couldnt do it. I needed a break. But anyways, thats all for now. I want to go sit on my new couches bf I gotta go to work. :) they are comfy.

Oh and I ended at 86 hits for yesterday, where are all these peoples? HELLO?

Checking in

The rest of my wkend was pretty good. Sat I hung out and slept. Then sunday my Mother and I went shopping. First went to Wally Mart and then had luncg. Stopped home, and then went out and bought furniture. Got new sets for the both the living and family room. The one room got italian black leather sofa and love seat. Much deserved bc my mother had to wait a while to refurnish the casa.

So that is coming today. Very excited to see how it all matches. Besides that not much else going on. Was up way late yapping on the phone w/ a friend.

My Sis and I hung out last night as well. That was nice. So besides that everything is all good. Probably write more later. Got some mail to go through.

Hope all had a wonderful weekend,

oh I am at 45 hits for the day yesterday was 72....why not more comments? Say hi, list your opinion, or whatever. I'm nice and dont bite. Plus to have more blogs to read is always good. I need a few to add to my rounds!

Seeing Blake

So last night I saw Blake. In some ways it was magical and I got everything I had wished for. However I now look back and regret that my wish wasn't more precise.

I walked in his house and he looked beautiful. We gave each other long meaningful hugs. I heard some nice things that I wanted to hear. We embraced for a while and did all those little lovey type things that people do like smelling each other, rubbing faces, stroking, kisses on the side of the mouth and etc.

Ahh but then he pulled away.

And he wanted to know what I was thinking & how I felt abput everything. Sometimes in moments like those I would like to just go with the moment and then other times at least I know where we stand.

We talked, and we are not back together in the sense we have functioning healthy relationship.
We made some (I thought) progress and that was good, but we have not made full amends and I am not so sure that we will.

He said he still loves me, that we have a great connection that he hasn't had as strong ever before, that I am beautiful, we make the best love together (I'm better than anyone else he's ever had he's 33 and has some experience in that area), and that he wants me in his life in some way. And yet we are broken up.

However, from what I gathered from him is that it's hard for him to say that he is still in love with me but there were some contradictions (I personally think he still is bc of everything we have said and been through). I know Blake and we have gone through these bumps before. The only thing that I know about them is that Blake is a very sensitive person. And after being so overwhelmed he has to unhook, in which he is somewhat cold and tries to block out anything that could cause him to feel any real emotion.

Perhaps normal people go through this as well and don't even realize it bc they know how to manage it. But Blake doesn't, or he is one of a few that stress effects him and everyone around him extremely hard.

After our talk last night we went and just laid down and snuggled, and rolled around w/o doing much and then it lead into you know what....
We fell asleep all snuggled up and it was great to fall asleep to pleasant smell of Blake.

Last night and the better half of the morning was so great, close, and wonderful even though it wasn't under the greatest of circumstances. However later in the morning Blake got overwhelmed and started to have some anxiety. When that happens he is very hard to deal with. I tried to talk to him and he was kinda on the closed off but we did a little.

He said what happened between us wasn't what he had expected. But then I don't know what he was expecting since he wanted me to hang out and get a little intoxicated w/ him and also his roommate that never leaves the house was on his way out as I came in. So makes me wonder. But anyways, during our talk right bf I left I looked him straight in the eye & I swear I saw some emotion. He was even kinder and more gentler when I was leaving than he has been in the past when he was so ovewhelmed with anxiety.

As I was leaving & approaching the door I looked at him and said you/we have gone thru this in the past... and he responded but I cant remember exactly with what so therefore trying to guess would not do it justice. He but responded and I felt like there was a silent understanding that we've done it bf maybe we can again, we will see if that was in my head or it was really something I picked up on.

We might get together again to race go carts this weekend, but then we might not. We will see.

Parts of me would like to move on and start over. I pretty much have with every other aspect of my life. And I think most people would say that I should do. However this is choice that its mine and of course his. I don't know what the future holds for us. I really don't. However I think that if we were meant to be over than we wouldn't have all those feelings still and allow ourselves to be close like we were. But then again it could be something hard to let go so easily. There has to be something on either end to tango, that much I know.

He said that he has been thinking about me and missing me, he even said I've been in quite a few of his dreams. Why he told me I had been in his dreams I don't know bc when I asked what they were about he said he could really remember. I think he did, but he just didn't want to tell me what they were for whatever reason. And any guy that reads this is probably going to think that they were sex dreams. I think there was more to it than that bc I would think he would have just said so. Blake doesn't beat around the bush. But I didn't have them so I don't know for sure...

So I have learned this once, and maybe we will have refresher that getting back together can be harder than breaking up. I'm sure there are more lessons. However, what the final result will be is still unkown to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wonder if his issues will ever subside to the point that we can live and love stress free for longer periods than 6mos. He says he doesn't want the drama but from my perspective he's the one that causes it or doesn't deal with it in the best sort of ways. I know that I am not perfect and so I am to blame as well. I think that I have also grown so much from this last ordeal that I am better suited to deal.

In some ways I don't think Blake could find anyone quite like me. I am open enough to accept him the way he is and love him for it anyways. I know most other woman would run screaming in the other direction once they saw what it can be like. But I am so loyal and die hard if you will that I cant just say bye and turn away from a person I love so deeply.

Blakes lifestyle and his age don't really match. He does not act like a normal mature 33, going on 34 yr old man. I think he knows this, and he has found a nitch of guys that were all bachelors as well. But they are all now starting to settle down. He has one left that that hasn't. And what a surprise that's who he has been hanging out with.

This guy was also dating a younger girl and had been for some time. They are still together as far as I know and probably will be for a while more but cohabitating for them didn't work and whatever. She's cuter than he is and plus she has her age that he does not. Not to sound bad. But its the truth.

Mature age has appeal no doubt but most men generally like younger woman and a man that is loosing his youth is going to loose the ability to attract youth. Especially when he doesn't have much more to offer (not directing that towards anyone, just a general statement). Most woman wouldn't put up with their lifestyles. I think anyways. And then you zero down on the baggage, mental stability, financial stability, looks, and compatibility/connections -on both sides the fish pond shrinks quite a bit.

I think it goes both way, the men that are left are fucked up and the woman are left to weed through garbage to find a good man. The same with men, they have to weed through garbage to find a good girl. Weeding is for all age groups, but the ratio you find - bad vs good tips to the negative side the older you get.

But anyways I wonder if there is a single woman out there that is more perfect for Blake that will put up his shit, his partying, his room mate, his anxiety, his no mercy fighting style, and all the other quirks and flaws that make him who he is and still make out in one piece & heart intact. And there is no changing B. I would advise to not even try. But don't get me wrong, the good things about Blake are great and sky high, but the bad are a lot & hard to handle. He would need a very very strong woman that is very independent & that has a big heart all in one.

Not one woman that I have ever talked to would stick through what I have. I wish that somewhere there was a woman so devoted as myself so we could have comfort with eath other. But then again I am a loner and Blake (a loner as well) was the first person(on any level) that I have ever wanted to give my entire self to. (some might just read this scoff bc of my age, perhaps I shouldnt list it).

Maybe there is a more perfect girl out here in AZ somewhere and when Blake meets this perfect girl maybe he will want to change and stay that new person on his own. But for some reason seeing that he's been in so many serious relationships, loved and dated so much I doubt it he will change for anyone. His age alone would not allow much of it and the fact he is so head strong would make it nearly impossible in my opinion.

Me on the other hand: I know that I could move on if I wanted too. And like I said in some ways I do, bc being a loner comes natural to me when Blake is not in the picture, when he is I am more of a lover towards him. I know I am pretty enough, smart enough, kind/sharing enough that I could find love again. There's no doubt. But I don't like making mistakes and don't like having regrets. Today and yesterday when things that were said that normally would have made me feel emotional I was stayed numb and it passed through me w/o much reaction. And I don't want to turn away on something that I love so much and just might be strong enough to handle.

But we will see what happens.

re: Adjusting

My friend has a blog and today I checked it and I found something that I didnt like so i wrote back to her and added my 2 cents to some of things that she said. Read below are parts of her post and then the bold is parts of what I wrote back to her..

Adjusting
I am slowly adjusting to being back in AZ, but that doesn't mean I am having a good time doing it. The past few days have been interesting to say the least. Let's see where do I start?
'...It seems as though the people that I have seen and that are happy are the ones that I enjoy being around...'

Wow yasmin. Seems like you are really 'understanding'. As much as you think whatever about me and my situation I actually have been just fine. I know whats on my plate and its great. Its mind over matter. Which I decided sun/mon that I was not going to be sad about anything. I had a bad first day or so but what could anyone expect? I dont think its even been an issue bc I havent laid anything on you at all. You called 1x when I was upset on Saturday and I got off the phone. Thats it. I have been hanging out with my family and having a good time w/ them. I have not been avoiding you to hang bc i am at home depressed. Its bc i am at home enjoying the people that matter most, my family. And I'm sorry but I am not going to chase you around. You want to hang out I'm sure you will call.

It's funny coming back to a life that you had almost forgotten about. My time in Australia was so stress free and I had little obligation to anyone. I really enjoyed that, but being back home I come to realize that there are a few people who let me off the hook fore the past 6 months because I was in Australia and now they are ready to expect things from me.

I dont think anyone expects much besides friendship. Not everyone sat with you in those counseling meetings. I did and I try to understand and its still hard. I think you are seeing all these things you havent seen in a long time and its foriegn to you. So therefor its off balance from what you are used to. Also letting you off the hook? I think that people probably had better things to do than to track your ass down when you are in another country. Just like your life went on so did life in America. Life has not frozen, you arent going back in time by being here. People went to bed and woke up every day and experienced life just like you did. I think that everyone has had oppertunity to change, learn and grow just like you. Only difference is you were in a whole new culture..

I wish that I could figure out a better way to describe this feeling, but it's hard. I think that the best way for everyone to deal with me right now is to not expect much from me. Especially things that you once did expect because in a way I am a very different person these days.

You may want to be careful with this. I know you think you have it all figured out right now but there might be a time when you think that you may want to be friends w/ people again. You have lived out of the country for 6mos, and if you are still so distant you might loose friends or closeness that you later might want again w/ certain people.

I am not saying I will not be your friend and be by your side, but in some ways I refuse to be treated as I once let people treat me.

Not even sure where this directed. But I dont think anyone treated you badly except you know who. You have always been a head strong, dominent, bossy person and I seriously doubt you let yourself be walked on. But whatever you want to think go ahead. I wont stop you.

Oh yeah and please lay off the guilt trips. You never called enough or write enough. . well get over it I was busy. I refuse to feel guilty when life is always a 2 way street. People could have called me or written to me more. I know I wasn't the best at always responding, but remember I had another life. Yeah complete with a group of friends, family, school, and a home. I had things that were more important that sitting at a computer talking to people. You know like real human interaction. Well enough with all that, let me get to the good stuff.

Everyone else had lives that went on well after you left. People were busy too. But the difference is that myself and whoever else made time to sit down and write to you, get calling cards, and pay money to keep in contact whatever it was that they did. I know you did to a point with me, but I also know that you were unavailable at times as well. I know there were many times that I didnt email you or call you bc I was wrapped up in my life here and then it would come to me that I hadnt made an effort in a while or even read your blog bc life goes on with or with out you. So to say that you were busy makes you look kinda like an ass bc so was everyone else. I know I was.

I dont think people are meaning to make you feel bad. I def have not and dont care too. You were gone for so long. I can continue to live and love my life as if you were still gone. Which in a way you are bc you seem like you are trying to recreate your life in australia here. Good or bad it is what it is. I'm all for you to bring the good things back. But dont let it consume your life as if it was total crap bf you left. Its mind over matter. And if you want to think that your life was crap then fine go right ahead bc your life would have been crap in Australia sooner or later too, as well as it will follow you where ever you go. I respect it that you have so much love for your life there. Now its time to love & live your life here. You have no other option. And if you think your life wont change again you are wrong. Your friends from there will go back to their lives in flag and wherever. I am sure you will all be friends but they had lives bf and I am sure they are going to get back in the groove of things as you are too. Not that you will forget about each other or anything like that you will always be close to the people that you went through that with but at the same time dont replace what you had. I think you should make room for both, you will come around get more used to it here.

One thing that I really miss about Australia is that during the whole time I was there every time that I went out drinking I never woke up the next day worrying about what I had said. For some reason I always knew whatever happened was cool. I think there have been 2 nights out of my 7 nights that I have woken up and kinda knew I had said/done something that I shouldn't have. Oh well, not that it matters I guess it is better to be honest and let people know how I stand with them and where I would like to stand. In other news. . .

Maybe its best if you just keep things to yourself until you have had some time to really form thoughts and opinions that are going to stick around. You just got back and you are far from being completely readjusted. So till you have everything in your head straight and relaxed dont cause issues and drama bc you think this way and whatever bc you will level out. You went from one extreme to another you will eventually fall back on to some middle ground.

I just washed my car and what ya know a few hours later a dust storm rolls in and dirties my car. Just the luck!

NEWS

UK police: Latest bombers failed
LONDON, England (CNN) -- Two weeks to the day after the July 7 London bombings, attackers tried -- and failed -- to set off explosive devices at three Tube stations and on a double-decker bus.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/07/21/london.tube/index.html


This chick has a pic of herself w/ cum on her face, but its not in english. Never push next blog button.

http://monolingua.blogspot.com/

FIVE TIPS FOR A WOMAN....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Stolen from the blog of:
http://exseno.blogspot.com/

random work

I have ran out things to do at work, actually I didn't. BRB

So tomorrow I will have the company SUV for a bit to run someone to the airport. How cool is that? I wont be able to drive it a lot but it rocks that I do at all.

So I felt like posting but I don't have much to say. I kinda wish I could have a job like this and would not have to worry about everything else.

I am here to keep people happy, answer the phones, feed the fish, misc stuff and smile. On an average day I will sit here at the puter, walk around and talk to people, feed the fish and sort and handle the fundings. Its very relaxed. I don't stare at the clock and wait for it to say 5. Some of the rich guys are stuffy but then some are like the owner/boss who was born into a poor family, so he's very down to earth. He will come in to the office sometimes in sweats and a t-shirt and is very laid back. So I think this is a big contributing factor to my blogging a lot. I got nothing to do. So this week actually as blown bye quickly.

Odd Call

So Yasmin calls me this afternoon telling me that my old friend Megan emailed her asking for my blog address. I havent talked to this girl in like...I dont even know a month, and then we exchanged a few emails over a week or 2 ago. But I thought this was very weird and Yasmin thought it was really weird too. Yasmin and Megan know each other pretty much through me. And Yasmin has been in Australia for like 6mos. She does know of this falling out and wants nothing to do with it. She wasnt friends with Megan really and just doesnt want any drama.

I def do not want her to have this blog addy. This has become my little safe place to rant and vent. I dont want it invaded by Megan
A.) bc we arent good friends anymore
B.) It's none of her damn business,

Either she & Jen are that bent about us not being friends or they are nosy... probably both. She had to have known that Yasmin would tell me though, kinda odd. I'm sure she knows about how B & I broke up and maybe she wants to see what I will say about it so she can tell some of the other girlfriends or Jen and they can have something to gossip about. Screw that monkey shit. I so dont even want to go there. I never wanted to be 'in' that clique bc it was just gossip/drama fest. So I never reached out to them. Which in a way just made it harder. oH wEll

So I emailed her I said I thought that was weird to email Yasmin and ask for my blog address. She said she 'wasnt thinking'. Hopefully she didnt figured it out and is reading.

This just kinda adds to the thought that I probably should change the web address and pick out a new name so cant be found.
I really didnt want to do that though. I contemplated changing it so B couldnt read it and then I was just like oh fucking well. So I should just blow her off too.

I am OK with my life right now. I like that I am making friends at work and its turning into play time. I've liked hanging with my family. My Sis and I are starting to be better friends. Which her and I have not always been on great terms. I go back to school so soon and I'm sure I will be around tons of cool new people. There are a lot of good things happening right now. Oh! I got my appeal letter aproved. Things are looking up for me. Finally. And I like the direction my life is headed.

I do kinda wonder what Jen thinks of me just taking off like that though. I was very upset with what happened with them. I needed to be alone for a while. I needed to figure some shit out and I really have. I dont even feel like the same person is some ways. Like all this was a huge lesson that I gained so much insight from. Still sucks how it happened. But, I hope that it doesnt sound gay or cheesy but I really think I have gained some wisdom. I havent sorted it all out in ways to describe it or explain but its there...I dont know -I feel stupid so I am just going to leave it at that bf I look like more of an idiot.

But hopefully that makes sense somewhat?

Well I guess its time for bed time.