Memories & Predictive Index

OK I am a blogger nerd.

Oh chances are that my theory is coming to life. I knew they would get back together. Just wait and watch, something interesting will come about.

But what I was actually going to post about it is memories. I've been doing way to much thinking. IE why I am probably writing so much. Reflecting on a lot of different things.

The other night I was hanging out with my sister and I made the comment that as much as C and I put each other through, I had a hard time remembering him, the reasons why I liked him, our fights, events, etc. Then I let my my mind wander over the friends I shared with him and the experiences that he wasn't apart of and everything is kinda out of reach for my memory.

My sister replied "welcome to getting old".

It kinda struck me. In just a few years my life now is going to be some type of blur. The people I now know and maybe even B are just poof gone. Of course I don't want that. I love B but it could happen. I could be just a memory to him. He could be just a memory to me. Taking different paths through life. And this hard time will be a hardly noticeable bump in the great road of my life. That is so sad to me in some ways. This moment feels more real than any other moment that has passed bc its right now and its not all blurred into nothingness and history.

I like to read what I wrote last year. I like to read things I wrote when I was mad people or myself. Or even my crazy ideas. Its great to see at that moment how I was thinking and what the outcome really was. How I was right, how I was wrong and how everything else played into the situation.

But most likely I wont remember much. And I thought I had a great memory. But nope. This moment right now will be like any moment spent typing away at my computer and there's nothing else to it. Maybe I am stoned. I probably am but to think how important everything feels right now is going only going to be text on my blog buried in the archives. But I guess at least I have it somewhere if not in my head.

~~~~~~

I took a personality test at work bc one of our tenants are from Predictive Index. Its a survey that analyzes your personality. Its suppose to be very accurate and a psych Dr came up with in 1955. Mine was on the money. Just a few things off.
-Independent, individualist, strong minded, & determined
-Venturesome, stick my neck out for my beliefs,
-problem solving & ventures are stimulating
-lots of confidence in my knowledge& ability
-active & inquiring mind, drive hard to get things done my way w/ quickness.
-self starter, initiates, makes decisions and assumes responsibility, stongly competive to achieve goals.
-Impatient
-W/ expressing myself I am direct, factual, outspoken, & frank
-My approach is authoritative, telling, & wanting timely results.
-I deal with ambiguous situations briskly and firmly
-I don't manage details as much as the big picture
-Fast learner!
-need independence to achieve max action
-variety & challenge in my work environment that also support new ideas
-open to opportunities for advancement to higher positions of decision-making responsibility
-not good with repetition & details -will become less accurate if made to handle

It also goes onto explain that right now I am trying to work the opposite role of my characteristics. Thus I am not my own boss or managing a territory any more, I am someone else's bitch and furthermore I am now a few peoples student.
I am also overly aware of myself and my surroundings.
I am also: intellectual, thoughtful, intense, informal, enjoys pressure, risk taker, strategic, quick to connect w/people, reads people, intiutitive, optimistic, enthusiastic, persuasive, informal, poised, good mixer, flexible, & casual.
Thats mostly me.
I like to have fun too.
OK nighty night

Just one more bf I leave

I have one more thing to write about.

For some reason I am a very loyal person. especially to family, friends, boyfriends and all. If you are in my heart than thats where you stay through thick and thin. You'd really have to do me wrong to cast you out.

I have always thought this was a great characteristic to have. But I am starting to think twice about this. I think this might cause me more grief than if i were one of those people that could chop a person or situation up to nothing. i call it being disposable. Not very many people that are close to me are disposable. If you are near me chances are i love you and i want you near me. Perhaps my die hard attitude is not good for me though. But then another side of me makes me think thats what makes me stronger and better than anyone. Being the one to carry another and to be the one that holds on when no one else could. I dont know. Just thoughts.

Which brings me to another thought
Everyone that i know wants to be a part of this 'in' crowd. I guess its human nature to want to fit in. I dont get it, I've always marched to my own drum. For instance I dont think B realizes how in a lot of ways he had a strong lead with his friends. I saw it. other people saw it. A lot of the group looked up to him. And even when he was at odds w/ other members of the group he was even more respected bc he had his own opinions and didnt follow the hurd.

I realized after I stepped away from my own very small click that I too had a stong lead. And now that I am gone the people i left behind have started to cling to each other. from what i understand is that they hang out way more than before. I gather my info tactfully. And i dotn hate either of them. Its there own lack of smarts that brought the situation to this point and perhaps they will learn from it. and maybe somewhere down the line everyone will have respect.

All i want is peace.

....in the middle east, too :)

Lessons Learned

With every down fall and every gain there is a lesson.

Friends;
I thought I had some words of wisdom for this categpry. But I dont. People have hang ups? People are flawed? Umm no one is perfect? People are normally followers?
I dont think i did much wrong (i'm not perfect either though) and perhaps even though I am so hurt by all this there will soon be some good in what has happened in my life. I dont think i deserved what my 'good' friends did and how they behaved to turn me off so much but maybe i deserved better friends and perhaps maybe some new ones will come about.

Boyfriends:
I suppose the big lesson here for me is that just bc you & whoever claim to be in love doesnt mean that things are going to work out and that you will love each other and live happily ever after. And just bc you say you love them doesnt mean that will fix the problems. Or their problems. Or your problems.
Not that I thought that it would make everything peachy, but I did think it (love) meant something & that if I as the other half of the cake would be willing to put aside my own problems and do anything/something to put us back together that we could make it... come to find out thats not good enough sometimes.
That doesnt leave me with very many more options.
So I guess you gotta keep on trucken and trying to make the best of things.

Siblings:
You cant live with em, could probably live w/o em.
:) j/k

Parents:
Nothen better than Momma's love

7/12/05 some positive thoughts

THE GOOD NEWS
My friend Yasmin (yasminsplace.com) is coming home on Friday
My Dad has invited me to join a soft ball league.
School is slowly falling together.

My friend Yasmin is coming home from studying abroad in Australia. I am very excited to see her and to have a friend around. I have been very lonesome.

My Dad got a call from my old Coach Phil. He is starting a slow pitch soft ball league. My Dad just had to point out that Coach Phils daughters have scholarships bc of SB and are playing at SCC. It was my Dads dream for me to play and get scholarships and do the whole competitive deal. I vouched to be a teenager instead. I wonder what I would be like if I had stuck to it. I know I would woop ass but I wonder how my life would be different. So that may be fri or thur nights. I said it sounded fun and that I would think about it. I might do it and I guess my Dad has had my glove this entire time. I thought I lost it. I loved my glove. I still have the bat from my first homerun. Anyways I thought I would share some good stuff even though I feel like shit,

7/12/05 Unloading

I've been up since 7am. That's early by my standards. I usually don't get up till 9 or 10. You are probably jealous. It wont always be that nice though! School is coming up real quick.

~~~~~~~

ok I am going to stop with the happy act. Today was an odd one. I met my dad at the tire place and we finally got my tires replaced. I paid for half and he paid for half. The bill was $381.50. I got my alignment done for free though. That has been my luck last few times I've had anything done to my car, they knocked the price down or it was free. So far I've gotten a free oil change and car wash and know the alignment fixed for nothing. I guess having boobs does come in handy.

So new tires for me is like new shoes for a little kid. Have you ever heard a little kid boasting about his new shoes and how they make him run faster? Well that's me w/ new tires. I think I feel this big difference in the way my car drives. I don't know if there really is though. But I drive like an asshole for the first few days.

~~~~~~

Well I went to walgreens and bought a pregnancy test. I was almost 100% positive that I was not preggy. But since I have not had my period in a few mos I figured I'd get it checked out again anyway. Ya never know. But it came out neg like I thought it would and it just confirmed that I am and have been sick again.

I have mentioned it before that I have a girl disease called PCOS or PCOD. Its an ovary problem where they (my ovaries) don't want to ovulate bc of a hormone imbalance. No ovulation: no babies, no period, & no level hormones. Its also probably why I cant lose much weight right now but that's ok I am not huge or gross, just a size 9-11 that I am not used to being. I am told I hold my extra weight well though. tg. This also means that I am not the most fertile girl around and that I will probably have to go on fertility treatments if I ever wanted my own childrens. So sad. When my insurance kicks in I'll probably go on hormone treatments. That's kinda scary to me.

I don't know if I want kids. So its not a HUGE thing, but it does bother me that I cant fulfill the womanly duties had I wanted to. I also wonder if I will ever be in a situation that the man I love wants babies and I couldn't so easily provide. Would it cause problems? I've told myself any man worth having babies with will love me no matter what. But I still wonder. I wonder if B ever thinks about it. He told me once that he's more open to thought of babies/kids with me than anyone before. I've never asked him and he's never really tried to have much of a conversation with me about it, I know he knows it exists.

The one thing that is interesting is when you tell another woman about it. Especially one that has had kids. The look on their face when you tell them you don't believe you could have kids w/o help. They get all wide eyed and I think for one time they are thankful to have the ability bc it is so often taken for granted and advantage of. I don't usually rack my brain about it. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it except see what the Dr says in august.

My disease could also be why I am so sensitive right now and why I feel so angry/sad inside. I don't like very many people right now so it makes me very upset a lot of the time. I feel very much alone almost like I have been abandoned on some alien world where everything is fucked up. I know that I walked away from some and then some have walked away from me as well.

~~~~~~

Sometimes it seems that life makes the situations we get it a lesson that we have to face alone. I seem to get a lot of those. Which is weird bc really I am not a overly social person. I am more closed off. I don't let many people inside the real me. When I do let someone in and they screw around with me its like the worst feeling ever. Like I've just been ripped open and left to die. Its so horrible. If you aren't close to me than you can go fuck yourself and I couldn't give a shit.

I seem to have this thing that I will put up with something for just so long bf I am just like FUCK YOU I don't need this. But unlike most people that just take off I stick around to 'be friends' which maybe I shouldn't but I don't think I realize it at first. My experience is that when someone pushes you past that point they don't get why you care less and so they push you harder until they get a reaction out of you.

Here's another thing. I don't think that people that have 'history' can be friends. I've tried to be friends with people I have been involved with and it doesn't happen. I'm such a deep person that after I have established this closer bond with someone I want to maintain a friendship bc of the history of being so close to that person. EHH. That's where it goes wrong. Bc you never fully let go of what you had. You knew that person like you knew the back of your hand and now you are suppose to be casual with them? Act like you don't wonder if the new person they are with are better than you, or if they still were the underwear you bought them last x-mas. I could go on and on. Its like friendships. Say you had this great friendship that after some time you split. You run into this person and bam you can fall right back into how you were at the same comfort level. That can happen to exes. That's why exes should stay away, keep emails and conversations to a min bc its not fair to the new person in your life to try and compete or even build a stronger union when you are still visiting with a union that has past. Does that makes sense? The reason you broke up is probably part of the same reason why you cant be friends.
example I know Brian and I could potentially fall back into the same scenarios that we had over a year ago and the fighting would come just as quick. I'll always have that comfort level with Brian bc he really new me or at least the parts he brought out in me and that will never go away. Or maybe a large amount of time will make it but it would have to be years & years.

Well I have written a bunch today. I feel very cold, sad, mad and a lot of different emotions today like yesterday. Kinda just want to go be alone somewhere. I would enjoy being dropped on a deserted island to just be left alone and out of touch. I feel out of touch so I think being out of touch might smooth the bumps in the road. I don't know how that makes sense but it does to me. I guess when you feel alone bc no one gets what you are feeling or just doesn't care enough to make an effort to smooth over the bad times than you want to just curl up in a ball and not be bothered. Eventually I'll be cried out and looking for new ways to improve.I don't know. But I gots to go.

Family fight and going away

Ms Lonely
Have you heard that Akon song?
Well I'm Ms Lonely. Nice to meet you.

SO...
OK well tonight was a bad one. I got into a fight w/ my family. My sister who I have been getting along with really well tried to do a power trip on me. I was in a small spat between and myself & my younger brother. I have a loud mouth so I actually had both of my siblings yelling at me and I was not taking it lightly. I was telling my sister to go stick her nose in her own business and to keep out of mine and I mimicking what she was saying and man I was really ticked. And then my Mom comes out and just then I yell 'I don't care if you all hate me!' and everyone dispersed cause Momma bear was there. I really don't care if they did all hate me, I am so angry right now I don't care. I'm sure I will tomorrow or a feel days but I am sick og them right now.
~~~

So I've been thinking. If I don't get all the paper work down w/ school I think I might go work full time again and save to go and study abroad or do volunteer work. I've always wanted too & my life had always been in my way. The first time my car got stolen, 2nd time B didn't want me to and I didn't want to leave what I had here.

Now I am not as happy as I could be. I have fewer friends, a boyfriend that is unavailable & not heavily in the picture. Will he be again? I've been hoping but you never know. Time will tell all. And finally my family and I aren't getting along. Today was bad but I don't think I could be happy. I def don't think I could go to school and live here. It would be a stress. I would have so much to do before I could really leave. It would take a bit to even get out of here.

I guess what sparked the thought about volunteering again was the elephant program I watched tonight. The one about how they were they striking back, well anyways I've always liked elephants bc they are so smart & social. And I have always wanted to live near wild animals and do research and be able to interact with them on some level. Alternative to that would be to rehabilitate them or provide a communion or retirement center for abused wild animals that cant go back into the wild can come live. Or all of the above.

That's my dream. The field is competitive. And it would require me to go to school but its such a far out of reach I never really considered doing it bc it wasn't practical. What's pratical is going to nursing school and make good/above average income and live happily ever after. Or get a business degree, or something, anything that is structured, the failure rate is low, and income is good.

That's life and how's its broke down to me. Is that happiness? I don't know. I think I could make myself happy on some level anywhere as far as college level jobs given the atmosphere. But whatever these are rambles bc I am upset. But seriously I will not allow myself to spend my entire life in AZ. There is more out there to explore. I would like to live in the south somewhere at least a short time just to see what its like.

I'm better

I feel better. A good nights sleep was all I needed.
Although I have been doing some good ole thinking and I think that I have done the best thing for myself. I have stepped away and I am no longer in the drama. Well I am but I have distanced myself from it.
My one friend J doesnt have my number and I now know that she knows that she cant contact me. I wonder how she feels at this point that she cant just pick up the phone and just call and I wonder if she feels bad about it. I hope to god she doesnt show up bc that would be bad. I dont want to talk to her. I could have someone else answer and tell her I am out or I could give her a piece of my mind. I guess I'll cross this bridge when if/when I need to.

As far as the other DQ, well it seems she may be getting back w/ the person that sold her out. We'll see what happens next.

I am starting to get lonely. I am glad that my good friend Yasmin (Yasminsplace.com) is coming home. But she seems to have a new best friend. A girl she met when she was studying abroad and happens to live here in Az. But I'm sure we will be just fine. I couldnt be replaced that easily. Her and I have gone through to much to let anyone get between us or make us grow apart.

In some ways I am glad that I got to spend this time alone and in other ways its been hard. It's allowed me to reflect on the past few mos and the past few weeks. I will get through this one way or another. I just hope good times start to roll in soon.

I have to get my Fafsa corrected. I may not make it to school afterall. I am worried.

But with that I dont have much else to say.

I love my job

And for an example this is why.

Today I get in and the few people that are here are not here. So I take a seat and then everyone piles back in. Pete one of my bosses tells me Katie my direct supervisor made speghetti for everyone in the kitchen. So then a couple min later Katie comes in and tells me to go grab some 'sgetti'. I do and its awesome, better than anyones 'sgetti' I've ever had. Along with the 'sgetti' are thick homemade chocolate chunk cookies. And there is milk in the fridge. It was perfect.And this isnt a one time thing. She does it frequently.

This place is a rather small campus but it has everything from a gym to a big FULL size kitchen that is stocked. And there is a small fish pond and thats my favorite bc I've always wanted a pond and now I kinda have one.
Katie my direct sup is awesome. She's from SC so shes a southern girl. 37 but you's never guess that she was. She looks 27-29. And she's looks great.
Some days I can be busy on little projects but most days I sit here doing little things like this and reading stuff online. The only thing I have to do is checks and that can take hour-hour and half. Oh and I feed the fish if Katie hasnt already.
:)

One more awesome bonus. Katie said I could do HW stuff at my desk. Now it wouldnt be right to have all my text books and papers all over the place but I will have the chance to read and do small assignments and maybe even write paper on the compu while I am here.

terrorists

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8492258/

My british name is Charlotte Wilkinson

Whats your's?
http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/10/

7/6/05 I pretty much hate everyone

At least at this point in my life.
So I shut off my cell phone before I got stuck in another 2yr agreement for buying a new one. I'm just going to send the damn thing back and I told them I would call them if I changed my mind. I have certain amount of time if i choose to go back I can have my same number.

Here's the story.
I had a Verizon phone (the best company ever as far as quality cell service, never dropped a call) but i dropped it & it broke, and my contract was up. So I signed w/ Alltel and got an above average phone for a good price. Well I went with Alltel bc B was on Alltel and one of my old friends had Alltel. Mobile to Mobile minutes baby! And it was actually saving me a bit of cash w some extra features. Well B and I are no bueno and my old friend is now an 'old' friend. She messed up a little bit. So now the mobile to mobile min dont apply and really till I figure out my school money I dont really need anymore extra expenses. I could do it, but why? Thats extra money for something else. And a 2 year contract! So I chucked it. I needed to change my number anyway. i'll just be phoneless for a month. I really could care less at this point. I am so exhausted of dealing with other peoples crap. I'm honestly so emotionaly drained I dont think I could cry another tear.
So fuck em right?
I'm sure I'll get another phone and we'll see where my life is at that point. Right now I know that i will be OK no matter what happens.

Random thoughts on relationships

(more to be added later)

Lets all admit everyone wants to love and be loved. Its only our nature. However, the formula for that lasting love is losing its potency. I feel bad for the people that are getting married. We all know the statics. We all know more than half of marriages are going to end in divorce. How funny or horrible would our vows be if we cushioned this new stastic? 'I promise to love you as much as I can, however I can not make a promise on behalf of my future self so I promise that as of right now I love you with all of my heart and will try to love you just as mush if not more from this day foward till death to us part.'

Oh god. What do you say to each other? 'Honey we know that staticly we are fucked but we truly love each other so lets try this out! So what if it ruins us in more ways than we nkowq?

I'm sorry. I'm a product of a divorced family. maybe thats why I am so cynical but I cant help but think that way and even all those sweet nothings that you shared w/ that special person could be horse shit.But i would hope that they arent and want to believe otherwise.

i'm sorry its random

Reasons Why I Rock

Just a few reasons listed that make me; ~me~ and why they are so cool

1.) I am an understanding person. Maybe sometimes overly understanding w/ people I love. Approach me as a human w/ faults and weaknesses and I will try my hardest to understand & be open minded.

2.) I have a decent sense of humor. I may not laugh at everything, but if I laugh at your joke it was damn good.

3.) Straight forward and overly direct. Ummm well I don't like being confused or being confusing. I prefer when people treat me the w/ the same.

4.) I have a big heart

5.) Underneath it all I am sensitive. I may not seem that way but when it comes to an opinions that matter I can be a softy.

6.) I have some rebel spirits in me. I have enough rebel in me that I wont always follow the majority, I have my own thoughts, and also I can have some fun too. But I am still responsible and try to be mindful of cultural difference's

7.) I can admit I was/am wrong. You have to prove it to me first though, otherwise I am just hard headed. :)

8.) I ask questions, I just have to be clear.

9.) I can be a good listener and a good talker.

10.) I am a loyal, sometimes overly loyal bc it causes me stress when other aren't as much as me.

I am doing a bit better

I am starting to feel a little bit better. However I am not all the way there yet. Still uncomfortable. And I would like to clear the air. I am not sick bc I 'over did it' this weekend. I haven't even had a drink in over a week. I am just sick from a bug of some sort. Anyways, I still feel like crap and I woke up way 2 early. I originally woke up at 6 then again at 7 then again at 8 so I finally just got up. But now I think I'll go lay down for a bit before I have to leave for work. I cant believe I have to go in today. Its only when I have a new job that I really feel that bad that i dont want to go in. Oh and I had a horrible dream last night. You know the ones that are so real and you are almost aware and making conscious choices? What do they call them...elusive dreams? Well whatever they are I had a horrible one and i hate it bc they make you feel differently even after you have them.

Came back to blab about how horrible i feel

OK well I dont think it was diet. I think i might just have caught something or its food poisening. Whatever it is I feel like ass and am going to bed at 7:45p. Hope everyone had a good 4th of July.

Very Sick

Hello. I am very ill today. I dont know what its from but I woke up in the middle of the night and was very sick. I wont even say all that I could bc I know that it would be to much info. But I am sick. I think it might have been my diet. It was so horrible. Yesterday I cheated and ate a meal that I normally wouldnt be allowed to and I think since I have not been eating carbs and everything it blew up in my face. Today I am easing my way back into carbs so that I dont have a repeat. So far its been appple juice and a bite of rice. Any diet that has caused me to react like that is no good and I didnt even loose that much weight. bastards. So low fat? Low cal? South beach? Even my inside girl parts feel weird today. I cant even say or express what an empty no good feeling its been all day. I cant wait to get over it. I almost want to go eat diary queen and get the brownie blaster. Its so good and I have been CRAVING IT.

I called B a little while and ago and no answer or call back. I think that his drunk dial to me was a joke or something. So that makes me feel shitty inside. I dont know what I did to him but it his choice to completely ignore me. And then I think....that no matter how mad at him I have been I've not once ingored his call. Thats not fair. And the last time I remember him ignoring me was last.....Valentines day wkend. I couldnt remember what the hell it was called.

So thats about that. I think i am going to go eat a PBJ.

Hello again....

I guess I am back again. I took a nap and slept in WAY late so I have missed the fire works. OH well. Its so crazy that this time last year I was out with Blake at his friends house. WOW. Time flies.

Well I guess here's a big FUCK YOU & adios to all the people that I have began to learn to live with out (the fuck you has been on its way). Some have been easier than others. I think that could be expected. But there's no room for people that don't support me, that cause me anguish/drama, that have been selfish, and that don't always have my best interest in mind. Screw you. Seriously I just don't care have you around. There are so many better things about me that I believe that will carry me far away from this place in my life. So I simply dont need or want you around. Here's the door!

Which that makes me start on another thing...
My life seems to work in spurts. For some reason with me when it rains it pours. I seem to have light to moderate stress through out the year. But it seems that there are a few mos in each year that are extremely harder than others. It seems to me that despite whatever I am doing or who I am dating or who I am friends with that I kinda trudge through it alone. Perhaps its something I am to complete and get through alone but in some ways that makes me somewhat mad bc the people that are suppose to be close to me I think should help me through those times, not like get me out of the problem but mentally be there for me so I have some support. But instead I feel like they in some ways the few people that do stick around actually drag me down or add stress.

BAD TIMING for that. It's bad enough that I have been so stressed that I have not gotten my period. I mean isn't that enough? That's a crazy emotional roller coaster on its own. But I suppose not. That is not enough. I have to somehow get through all this on my own. And I think for the most part I have so maybe it was for me to get throughout alone. Who knows? But I didn't end up needing that hug or that just calling to see how you are doing.. or whatever it was. But those small things do mean so much. Like inside I a really am mush. I mean even sweet little text messages that I would get from friends I kept in my inbox just so I could read them again. I saved a message from B from a long time. It was him telling me he was snuggling with my pillow and that he wished that I was with him. That was probably from almost a year from now. And like I said I kept little things that my friends sent me. Just for good thoughts. So maybe I am kinda of a mush and take things a little more deeply but I just in some ways resent my friends and family for not being better support for me during the hard times.

I have said this before and I will say it again now I feel like in some ways that I have just gone through a mid life crisis. and WOW I am almost shot emotionally. I don't think I could take more. On a lighter note I think if everyone else fails that my friend Jeff will always be there for me. Even though we will have are own fights and turbulent times I think that he will be there till the end. I mean even if I went nutso and had to be put into a institution he would still care about me and I think he would be one of the few that would come see me through that. So I love you Jeff. He doesn't have this web pages address but its the shout out that counts. I guess out of everyone besides the obvious he's been a helping hand through this last week that has been so rough on me. So thank you for that. I really appreciated it.

7/3/05 Hello....

I dont have anything specific to say.
My weekend so far has been long and boring and for some reason I am almost excited to go to work on..tuesday. It's better than sititng at home. Although my Mom and I have been hanging out and thats been cool. We just got done watching In Good Company. It was actually good. I enjoyed it. Have not heard from either of my Drama Q's. Its probably a good thing. I am officially a loner. Its almost OK. Sometimes I get bored but I dont think to the point that being near them would be better than being bored. So thats about that. I feel like a going to puke. I;ve been on the low card diet and today I cheated and I feel so gross uh its horrible. Never again. Well since I am so boring I think I am going to take a nap. Good night.

Just checking in

I thought I had some things to say but I don't.

I was pissed last night and ranted and raved on here. Kinda funny now.

Seems as though B has disappeared. Breaks my heart.

I've become a pot head. I want to smoke right now, but my Dad might be calling me so I dont want to be all stupid on the phone. But the urge might get the best of me. Lets see how long I can keep myself entertained till I give up and go do it. T is suppose to have another bag for me tonight. I need it. I dont have much left.
I like getting high bc I dont care as much as when I'm not, like I am prone to be more bothered by certain things. Things just seem like they make better sense too as well as they seem more concrete. Things are obviously more humorous but I dont think all this is really going to make sense to anyone besides me. So I am a doper. I couldnt keep my hands off it. You should watch 'Being Bobby Brown. Its mildly entertaining.

Well I am not going to feel so bad. A lot of people smoke. I'm just kinda aware of it bc I havent liked to smoke in a while.

So anyways. On to more important things.
I think my Mom is depressed. I wish there was something I can do but theres not right now.

Ok here something worth writing about.
I got into a fight w/B bc of this drama that is honestly no concern of ours. But we had different opinions and we clashed. But I am glad now that I stuck my ground and wanted to 'wait it out' bc since I did yesterday was exactly what I needed. Confirmation that particular people in my life were no good except to cause drama, at least as of now. Had I not allowed myself to see this I may have questioned myself later. I got to see it in other parts of my week as well but yesterday really nailed the situation. There is nothing left to question in my head.

Sometimes in certain situations its better to move yourself out of the situation quietly rather then make a big stink on the way out. It's passive but it maybe best. If i threw a stink these girls might cause more stir up and try to suck me back in or it might cause people to hate each other and to do cruel things to each other. Neither of those are good. And maybe when things cool down I will think differently or perhaps we are just going in our own directions. I've known to do this. Meet up w/ old friends and then we will just fall into these breaks where we dont talk very often and we all do our own thing. Hang out with other/new friends.

I hate it that B & I are so distant, or that he is so distant with me. It really makes me feel like shit inside. But there is nothing for me to do.

So thats whats going on with me
I need to enjoy my time off bc very soon my schedule is going to hectic. I wish I had some prjects to do. But I dont so I guess I'll go watch some TV.
Adios for now.

Re: Screw Everything

Seriously screw everything.
I am this mad that I came back to bitch some more.
I swear as soon as I get some time to screw my head back on I will be putting few people in their place. Well.. not to sound like a hard ass or anything but seriously some people are going to get an earfull or a pagefull of wisdom from me.
People that can jump around and play a situation make me sick bc its not cool.
Peoeple that will make mistakes and let it be known to me w/i a weeks time is not going to get sympathy either.

Heres an example:
(this girl changed her number early this week and I dont have it.)

Rachael @yahoo.com> wrote:
thanks for broadcasting all the things i said to you to ****

Lame ass wrote:
WHAT DO U MEAN?

I would think that bc of the current situation that you would not have words w/ ****about the fight between bla bla bla, blo bla bla & bla blah along with everything else that youbrought up with ****. but you did. Basically you just caused another issue but this time between **** & I

I DIDNT TALK SHIT ABOUT ANYONE LAST NIGHT AND MY INTENTIONS WERENOT BAD I THOUGHT THEY KNEW

(They didnt)

WELL SORRY I DIDNT KNOW THAT...AND THANKS FOR TELLING HER THAT I WANTEDTO GO TO **** PARTY SO I COULD RUN INTO ****...I WANT TO GO TO **** PARTY BECAUSE HES MY FRIEND AND I PROBABLY WONT SO I DONT END UP SEEING ****

Oh GOOD god. I said that you could want to go to **** bc of *** being there.I never said thats exactly why you are going and furthermore i said that straight to your face that it wasnt a good idea to go to bc you'll just fight and cause a scene

I KNOW THATS Y I PROBABLY WONT GO;...LOOK RACH I LOVE U TO DEATH IF I DIDNT I WOULDNT BE TALKING TO U...**** SEES IT AND I HOPE U DO TOO DESPITE WHAT ASSHOLE blah blah SAYS


Fuck!!! Why did I even bother talking to you?! There was no reason! At all. I hate chicks THEY SUCK.

Ok well I am done ranting now. I've had one hellofa day and all I want are few puffs to let my mind go numb.

This is exactly why no matter how sick of dick i could get I'll NEVER EVER be a dike.

And to think this all started bc some guy decided to sell out his girlfriend when he was drunk & pissed at her. Thats it! and drama land rolls over on everything.

Other News:
So my fasfa was processed and so that means that someone knows how much I'll get but i may not know till school actually starts.
But i should know in a few weeks.
Job is good.
Family is good.
Why dont you visit a happy blog
YASMINSPLACE.COM
she just visited the Great Barrier Reef, its interesting on a good note.