Screw everything

I am so pissed right now. i dont even know where to start. I guess I'll start w/ a screw everyone. Girls are fucking drama queens! I was going to try and explain but its not even worth words. J and M are pussies and are probably going to get back together. You dont say I love you to someone you dont want to be with. So thats my stance on that. But we'll see what happens. They would have to come up some type of plan to clear the air. I am so convinced right now that I should just disconnect my phone and change my email. I hate everyone. There are so many fake & lame people out there. I'd rather be on my own than w/ that.
I always think that: Birds of the same feather flock together. It's not always true but most of the time it is. But what does this say inregard to me? Not good stuff but I think that i am different. And there are a few people that dont fit the stereotype but what the fuck. This is all just crap. It really is. The fact that people are just fake and lame and LIARS i fucking hate all of it. I am too young to be so jaded but everywhere I look its just fucking DRAMA. Drama in my email, drama on the phone, drama on the call waiting, drama at the door drama just fucking everywhere. Nothing is right right now and holy fuck this has to be the final cycle bc WOW i have just been besides myself over everything for way TOO long. For like weeks now its just been horrible. Like I take a step or two foward and then get slammed w/more crap. I hate it. I finally just realized that i am completely alone and I couldnt want to be more alone ever again.

7/1/05 YESSS!

OK I have been doing the low carb thing and I lost 4 lbs in one day! YESSS!

I started to think that I was gaining bc I didnt think I was loosing anything but NOPE i lost 4 lbs so far so awesome for me. I could have lost more and really I should have lost more but I dont know bc I havent been weighing myself.

I think that I kinda see where i lost weight. I stood in front of a mirror naked & my belly looks smaller to me and the area right above my hips is more shrunk in. Does that make sense? like my hips look like more defined ski slopes. It goes big boobs, ski slope and the area shrinks into my sides and then my hips are wider than the mid section of my waist. Yay.

I do have a tiny butt. Its a really small little babies butt.

Re: Re: Comments

I'm not throughly convinced that a friends is curb worthy just bc her EX boyfriend decided he didnt want to be with her and has decided to try and blow her out of the water. Beleive it or not people get mad and say shit to make the other people look bad. I know that she is not perfect. But its my choice on what I believe and what I dont. Its my choice how close I want to hold her as a f

Re: Comments

Oh by the way -about the comment about back stabbers and pity fucks that was someone that thinks I am getting walked on and taken advantage and my post As Always explains my perception the scenario. But I'll write again for more clarification.

Situations are not perfect. People are not perfect. I am not perfect.
However, I feel that my way of handling my dealings is just fine. Just bc I dont kick someone when they are down bc of 'he said she said' BS doesnt mean that I am a pussy or that I am lettingmyself be walked on. I am aware of what is happening/happened and I am silently waiting for more of the truth to come out. I do that in 'talks' and in random conversation and silently watching & collecting what I need to make my own judjement. In time everything will fit together.

I will never follow a group opinion just because its the majority opinion. Thats HS shit and I wont be bothered with it. I've been that person once that got turned on by a group of people that were 'friends'. People that didnt even know me or the situation tried to beat me down w/ this nonsense. And since then I will always do things MY way bc I know how it can be. If everyone else wants to handle something a certian way then that is fine. Thats you, but that is not me.

And last of all, if I am outcasted bc I have my own opinion well -I guess I'll just stop there and you can make up your own ending.

6/28/05 My Horoscope:

Whoa! What the heck was that? Did you just feel the earth move under your feet? Lately it feels like foundations that you take for granted no matter what are being awfully shifty and unreliable. It's important to remember that in this world, the only constant element is change. So while it feels like everything is in a state of upheaval, hold onto a sense of perspective and you'll be just fine

In some ways this is true; but mostly just about the changes. I dont think I have taken much for granted lately. But I do believe I'll be just fine.

Went out w/ my Mother and had din-din she loves her new job and they have great benefits and pension plans so she thinks she might stay on board.

She also told me when our health insurance kicks in I will be seeing a specialist bc the pill is not making me have a period. My Mom told me she thinks I seem to be retaining a lot of water weight bc of my hormone levels are off and that even my Grandma is worried about me. The pill fails everytime i get more stressed than normal. So I am going to go to a specialist in August and will probably have my hormone levels tested and then whatever hormone I am lacking will be given to me or maybe even a procedure. I am not sure. But even though I know my hormones are off; right now especially I dont feel that bad off. I have felt worse bc of this thing. WAY WORSE. I feel like myself for the most part. So thats with that. I dropped the ball and didnt take care of it the first time.

I gotta go to work today and it doesnt bother me one bit, I cant wait. Maybe I'll use the tread mill in the gym today.

6/27/05 As Always...

I have something to say.

Friends:

Sometimes I'd rather be alone then be surrounded by bull shit. I am OK with who I am. If someone isnt than grow some balls and take a hike. I dont need anything from anyone. Nothing. No one. In one year of school I will be a LPN making $25+ an hour. I could give a shit if I sat home alone everynight for that year & had no one bc I hate liars and back stabbers. I know no one is perfect. But before I am going to cast stones I am going to look at a situation from every angle. Time will eventually allow the missing puzzle pieces to find their place. And then any fakes will be disposed of. But I am also not one to kick another person when they are down, i'll just simply walk away. Till then I will keep doing whats best for me and thats to go to work and school and get my HW done so I dont have to worry about money or where I am at in life EVER EVER again. I am not going to be fazed by drama bc my real goal in life is to get through school and thats my focus. I am a good person and deserve to share my life and whatever else I have with other good people. I'm good at keeping people at arms distance so I am not so worried about losing anything of any value. There are very few people that I would ever show my full hand of cards. Very few. You never let anyone know how much you know. Maybe I havent learned much but I've learned that much so far. It's only me against the world and thats how I live. I take my loved ones in consideration dont get me wrong bc when you are in my heart you are IN THERE DEEP but I can only be me and only rely on myself bc no one is perfect not or you and if I relied on others I would just constantly be let down. I dont like that.

I was going to write more, but I just got invited out, so I am going to go get a little intoxicated.

Oh and by the way I LOVE my new job, My new boss isnt as young as I thought. Shes 37! And my gosh she is Fing hot -she looks 24. I swear, when she told me she had been married for 18 yrs my mouth dropped. We are already kinda good friends -swapping secrets & stuff. We are going to have happy hours and there is a gym on site that i can use for free and plus a HUGE kitchen that is stocked w/ food and my boss will just go in there make huge meals (that what she said anyway). We sat there for 2 hours just shooting the shit after she showed me a few things, and we work w/ a bunch of old rich guys that were trying to get us to go to the sand bar 4 happy hour in scottsdale, but she couldnt and i wasnt going w/o her so I opted out. But anyways I love it there already and I think that my life is really going in upward direction and I feel at peace w/ myself bc I think i am making the right choices. It feels so good. I cant describe it any other way. I am happy w/ myself right now.

6/26 It's been a bit

And I'm sorry for any emails I didnt reply to and for the lack of writing. Tuesday was my last day of my work w/ the mortgage co and I got the job that I wanted, so I went 3 days off before my I start my new job tomorrow. But I've been busy RELAXING. So I am going to go and RELAX some more.

6/20/05 It's Monday :(

Its flippen Monday.
But I had a relaxing weekend and spent some time with Blake. It was nice and I think I reallly needed it. I don't know whats wrong with me or what but I feel really cold inside. And I feel kinda isolated and alone. Half the time I have no desire to reach out and change that. Sometimes I do and sometimes I dont and its a bad feeling to have. I cant help it sometimes. Its not quite bitter but I think I am just been so stressed and I feel like I am on a impossible path completely alone and maybe its for me to complete totally alone I am not sure. but in some ways I wish someone would be there for me if I fall. I have no safe net. one slip up i could ruin everything and thats hard for me to do bc I am so cautious. I have screwed up enough times I dont want to screw up again.

So the weekend was good though. B also met my Dad yesterday and that was cool. My Dad has never liked any of the people I brought around and this time it went well. So that is good.

My mother and I were able to finish up the FASFA and we submitted it. So that is cool and we will see how much money I will get for school. I think i kind of decided to go to South Mountain but there are a few things I want to clear up with b still since its near his house and not my own. I guess I should handle that soon. But then again maybe i wont, I'll just wait and see how things work out.

I need to find and part time job quickly!

6/17/05 It's Friday!

And I am so happy that it is. I had a bit of a rough week but I want all to know that I am doing OK. I ranted a few times this week and have been a bit of stressed out. But it will get better and my mood is slowly moving upwards.

I still need to finish filling out my FASFA with my Momma and then I'll know what the deal is with that. I think that I will sell my car, pay off what I owe on it and then buy a little honda or something. I dont want to, but having a car payment and everyhting is expensive and only working part time will be hard. I am sad, I like my car.

I am learning that I do have some readers here. I didnt know. I thought I was writing to myself and mostly my friend Yasmin (yasminsplace.com), and sometimes B. But he tells me he doesnt read my blog anymore bc it 'causes him drama'. I dont know where he gets that but OK. Whatever, I cant change your mind. Which actaully it did cause us some drama bc if ever got into a fight I would rag about it here and then he would read it and oops we would be in bigger fight. Plus he thinks i make him out to worse than he is. But whatever.

Last night I had a good time with B. We smoked some pot and watched Napoleon Dynomite. I know its bad but sometimes I like to smoke pot. But I am far from a pot head. Its just fun. I am not a big drinker so its only fair. Oh and I like taking a pill from time to time.

But anyway its such a funny movie. My theory is that you have to watch it 2x at least to get it. The first time you watch it you are sitting there waiting desperatly for something to happen that will follow the typical movie story line. But it never happens and for the first round you are sitting there trying to analyze everything in your head and make sense of it, and of course laugh bc it really is funny.

So B ewas being so great last night. Maybe he missed me or something bc he kept on hugging me and giving me kisses all over cheeks. And for our 1 yr anniversary he got me a Tiff & Co bracelet and necklace set and the little spring that makes the braclet hold on broke and he seemed as upset as me and hes going to get it fixed this weekend. Maybe that needs to go to Tiffanys though or maybe not, i dont know. But he seemed just so lovey it was great bc I needed that bc ive been in my own little world
write more later

6/15/05 When it rains -it pours BAD NEWS

This morning I was calling around for tires and I am getting screwed on the costs. These people want me to shit out like $400-500 on tires. So I started to freak and called my Father for some advice. And got more BAD NEWS.
My step brothers Dad died on Monday. He was diagnosed w/ Luekemia 4 weeks ago and just died. I guess it pays to have a check up every 6/9mos. I have been bitter towards these people that moved in and took over my house so long ago. Most of my grudge has subsided over the years and it wasnt with them bc they were younger than me, it was with the adults. Now I have to say that eveything happens for a reason. Perhaps my Dad was to take over parenting for them bc they never had a good Dad and then later the one they did have left them in death. Its so weird bc I saw one my step brothers on saturday. Everything was fine then. You never know when life is going to happen. So stay close to the people you love. I wish i would have given him a hug or something.

So last night I went to a friends house and had a good time. However, my friends BF that she is totally in love with is going to stay a few mos in another far off state and get some things rolling for himself. How sad. I feel bad bc the last time i saw him we were all not getting along so well. I hope there are no grudges. I guess he is having a real hard time right now w/ life so he is going to get a few things straight and then come home. So that sucked to see a friend upset, I know how she must feel.

As far as my tires I love meg, she can sometimes hook me up. But not today. The only thing that they can find is $117. a tire ~thats with the discount and that moving to a bigger tire bc they cant get me into the same size that i have now. I am better off going to Big O. I will be broke. It wont be highest my account as been at. Worse time ever to be getting this stuff fixed.

So besides all this my day is OK. I have had better days but life is full of ups and downs and hopefully itll go back up.

6/14/05 I'm in a rough mood today but here its goes

And I have my reasons why. Then I get in here today and M tries to get all bossy with me. And I am sorry but sometimes I just dont give a shit who says what. I just dont. And today is just one of those days. I dont give a F. Someday that attitude might cause me to get an ass beating but oh well. everyone getes one at one point. Maybe I was hardened by blakes blah attitude this morning.
(I dont know. But I just figured or hoped that he would be as excited as I was to be together finally. But oh well. Theres nothing i can do but just be me. And him be him and when hes ready to be close to me he will reach out and till then oh well lone ranger.)

Then i stepped on my blow dryers plug in prongs and my god the worst pain ever. It broke the skin so now i have a band aid on the bottom of my foot.

Meg kinda wants to go out, but I am sure that I'll be tired by that time. But Jen just got in town.

I am going to firm up my interview process w/ this other company. They want to pay me well so its makes even better.

I am on my diet and all is going swell with that. so hopefully i can stick w/ it and make it happen. I would like to feel better about myself. I have 2 good friends & a mom that make me feel like a fat ass. I know that i am not skinny and I never will be a bean pole bc A.) my body is not built like that and B.) I cant starve myself for that long. I've tried. I would like to start walking at night. Maybe RJ and I will take walks eventually.

Who knows. but right now I just want to my mom to complete her end of the financial aid stuff and get it submitted so that we can get it going also so that I will see how much I will get and how much I will have to fork out or take out in a loan.
This is very exciting to me. Still havent decided where I am going to go to school. thats going to be a hard one bc mom, b, and work are all in different locations and i have no clue whats is going to have happened when that time comes. So I dont know, thats just a bit confusing.

This time in my life has really reminded me that I need to rely on me and only me. So that is something that will stay w/ me for a bit and I am going to be hestitant and wondering what is the real deal. I guess I got comfortable where i was at and life just kinda threw some curve balls w a few things. So when all is straightened out i will be happier.

I saw a few important things fall right apart in front of me and as much as i tried to stop and stand up to it, it all continued to come apart and even got worse. Hard week. But now I think things are starting to come back together but that will take time so we will see.

So I just found out my diet is a joke and so I am going to start over. Maybe just a balanced diet will be good. So I going to order Pita Jungles nachos and just not eat the chips so much bc they are a health food restraunt and specialize in healthy entrees. Steve eats there so its has to be safe. the guy is a brick wall. Not so tall but I would be scrared for any guy i know against him. oh and I know you are laughing at me but hte nachos form there are black beans and all these other beans that i normally wouldnt eat and then a bit of cheese hosed down w/ tomaotes, onoins, and others yummy greens, so its really aactually healthy. Ill just eat everything but the blue chips(which are healthier than most).

6/11/05 My Life

The headliners of my life this past year

My Grandma died.
RIP She lived a long life though...

I moved from Scottsdale to PV.
I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay in the Scottsdale near what had been my entire life.

My Dad got sick and was in/out of the hospital a few times.
I am pissed about this bc my family on that side never told till after the fact every time.

My Sister moved back home from out of state.
She got stranded out there and I felt our family did very little to get her back. I feel like I helped her the most. She’s getting better.

I fell in love.
Need I say more? Love is the best ever and so wonderful.

He could make me cum. ;)
No one could be better.

I learned contrary to the saying that one is NOT the cure for another.
I tried once a while ago, it failed.

I helped a friend get an abortion.
It was her choice. But it was hard to see, makes you think.

I spent a horrible year at U-haul w/ a bunch of Fags and their Fag Hags. I just got my exit interview form. I think I might write, "It’s not what you know, it’s who you blow. Your company as a whole is in the same condition as your shitty ass trucks."

I got dumped.
It has to be one of the top ten worst feelings to have. But it happens to us all.

My Mom got laid off
That sucked to see her upset & stressed and there was nothing I could do.

I still resent my Father for not being his own person and being so pussy whipped he’d lose his own kids.
Why her?

I think I just had a early mid life crisis.
I didn’t know where I was going. It was just off a few years. I got a plan now.

The financial aid form is going to be complete this week.
I am going back to school.

I am going back to school.
I am better than where I am at in life.

I got sick again for a few weeks.
Sorry that was rough for all of us.

I learned that if I ever decided to have a baby that I would probably need fertility drugs.
It’s Ok though. Any guy worth having a baby with should accept & love me the way I am.

I quit smoking (for the most part -I smoke nic free ciggs once in a while).
For my health bc of what I have. Also to make someone else happy. But I gained weight damnit!

I rekindled a special friendship.
Hi Yazi.

I lost some guy friends bc of a new relationship.
How unfortunate. Bye.

Sometimes I’d rather stay home on a Saturday night.
There are better things than going to a club or getting hammered.

A friend left to study abroad.
I miss you.

I missed my Fav Uncle leave.

I started to write and paint again.
But just not as creative as I was when I took acid. ;) I still have your painting Yazi.

I stopped reading as much this year, I need to get a good book.
Last one was the 5 people you meet ine Heaven.

6/9/05 Almost there

We are almost to the weekend.
By the way I feel so great today. At first I went through the whole process as to why I shouldn't get out of bed and came up w/ a couple half coherent excuses as to why I couldn't get out of bed and then I just got out of bed. And wow I am so glad I did. Bc I am in such a great mood. You have no idea.
However I was a bit sick during the night at 2a. So was my little (but bigger brother) and then just now I spoke to my G-ma and she's sick too! DAMN Chinese Buffet. We really went there thinking it was going to be good food and WOW we were so wrong. I've never been to a good Chinese Buffet. And when Sweeten said that's where she wanted to go I about wanted to protest but it was her Bday, not mine so we went.
So I am excited. Sweetens for her B-day wanted dinner and a movie. Well we skipped out on the movie last night bc it was late. we were going to go sometime over the weekend, however I was listening to the radio (i was sick of the cds i have and somtimes talk radio is interesting) and I heard this guy that was a well known comedian on one Az's local stations. He was so damn funny that I rallied the family to go see him instead of the movie plan. So tomorrow we are going to the tempe improv to see this guy. He was SO F!ing FUNNY. I was busten out in the car.
I am so excited! It should be a blast. Meg might go too

4/8/05 China Stoned

Today was interesting one.

My morning sucked so I'll start off with my lunch hour. At lunch today I had to run to the bank. So I went over and did my transactions and whatever. Well my teller was like my age or a little older and all punked out w/ a punk style hair do and everything. he seemed relaxed and I need a part time job. So I started asking him questions and turns out that wellsfargo hires part time. So he referred me to the web site and i went and wow I hope to get a job at wellsfargo. Part time positions w/ benefits. NICE! So I went to the site and found a bunch of jobs i want. very cool. I might go work in the boon docks but it might be worth it to learn a trade. But the guy was so cool and I wanted to reference him as my referal and I ended up needing his wellsfargo email and so I called his branch and just asked his co worker but i guess they dont have em or something so he gave me his personal and needless to teh site wouldnt take it so I will have to let him know that i couldnt mark him officailly has my reference but I noted hime else where. He was so cool and just sincere. Was a refreshing deal. People are usually snooty and assy. But not him cool kid. I am going to email him a thanks or give him a compliment to his boss.

Then I get home at 6 (traffic is killer) and my G-ma and everyone is here for my big Sis's bday. Well me and Tay end up smoking pot and getting stoned and then we went to this Chinese Buffet that was suppose to be 'good'. WEll it wasnt and my god i havent had a more fun time with my family. I am so lucky to have the fam i have bc we are so much fun. My Mom busted me smoking weed. We were stupid and did it my room and then my Mom passed by and was like 'Whats that smell? It smells like a skunk' Mom had you only knew how skunky it really was. Actually i told her I was stoned so she knew what a skunk it was. She kinda laughed that Tay and I smoked and Man oh man bad chinese has never been better. The food sucked but the company rocked.

Then Yazi called and we talked and she mentioned looking in ASU paper for room mates and I never thought about that. I could go live in a house full of parties and have a blast. I'd never get bored. So I may look into that when the time comes. I really dont want to go to school w/ a bunch of snobby PV kids. Id rather go to my somewhat snobby SCC or Rio, or even MCC.

Not sure. But where I am at I feel sofar away from everyone besides my family. Well gotta go but what a afternoon/evening.

5/3/05 B Surgery

Blake had surgery on his shoulder yesterday & he never called me after his surgeries like he was suppose to. I was going to stop by and visit him and he was going to call w/ directions and everything. Well after like 3 I still hadn’t heard from him, so I thought that was weird, so I waited and just kept calling his phone and it was off forever. I get to his house after work & find a pamphlet from the DR w/ directions and a #. I called and they couldn’t tell me anything but that he would be in his room soon so I could come down, so I was a even more worried.

I had to wait for randy to get home and then I left to go to the hospital. As I walked up his Mom was there, she was on the phone -so I just waved and mouthed to her 'is everything OK?' at first she nodded her head and then shook her head no. She was on the phone so I didn’t know what she meant and was going to keep walking to Blake’s room, and then she stopped me and told me I better sit down with her. I was just OH GOD, what happened?

She starts to get all teary eyed and tells me Blake’s blood pressure was really high and he was having trouble breathing and all this stuff. She started to cry and she tells me he’s been in recovery since he got out of surgery @ 2 and I didn’t get there till almost 630-7. So he’d been in there for a long time and since she started to cry I started to cry so there we are Blake’s mom & I in the waiting room crying. His sister drove down from cave creek so there the 3 of us are all worried and dont know whats going on.

Blake finally gets wheeled in on a stretcher to his room. As it turns out the nurses were freaking out Blake’s mom. It turned out to be ok in the end, this one nurse made it into a bigger deal than it really was. My god i have never been so happy see Blake. He had the oxygen mask on and had on all the IV tubes and bandages & etc on -it was hard to see him like that but he was so happy to see me and it felt so good to able to hold his hand and be there with him. I never been scared like that before w/ someone I was dating. It was such a scary feeling, but even though he was stitched & messed up he was still so beautful to me.

His family left around 830ish and I stayed till 10 and it was really cool bc I just kind of played nurse with him and laid in the hospital bed w/ him. It just one of those really bonding moments for me and its now going to be a special memory.

:)

4/22/05 Rambles

I feel very alone today. I don’t know why today this is so prevalent. Yesterday I was kind of numb and didn’t care about much of anything. I was in my own world. I am finally starting to talk to my family. They were not being very supportive and caring of me, as I would like them to be. Then they said something that I did not appreciate. I know my Mom didn’t like the silent treatment she got for the few days. Not that my Mom has favorites but I know her and I have a special connection & relationship that is not as prominent in my other siblings as compared to us.

My sister I talked to in the middle of last night for first time in a few days. I needed her to rub lidocaine on my back. My itching was very very horrible last night. I was desperate and needed help. She did but was kind of grumpy since it was so late, probably around 3am.

I am very thankful that my friends are so caring. They call or email me during the day to see what I am doing and then they try and talk w/ me at some point in the evening. If I wanted to I could have spent every day of this week with them. But I felt like being alone for the most part. Last night I did have a good time though. I am glad that I didn’t punk out like I was thinking of doing.

The itching was so bad that it woke me up again. I rubbed anything on my back starting with cortaid to aloe w/ lidocaine and finally a clay face mask. Nothing eased the painful itch completely. I went on a hunt through my Moms nursing stuff and found strong prescription strength topical lidocaine cream. She has few drugs from when she worked in the hospital. Finally around 4am I was able to fall asleep and I did so till 10:30a. I called my boss’s desk phone and left a message that I would be late. I wasn’t even going to attempt going to work on 2 hours of sleep. There was no way. Now that I am here I feel like shit. I did end up getting enough sleep though. I am going to the DR about this if it doesn’t clear up real quick. If it was from tanning it would be all over my body, not exclusively on my back. I wonder if I got some type of skin deal now. But my skin looks normal, so I don’t get it. Hopefully it just goes away.

Well I gotta get back to work, but I was needing a break so I thought I would spend a few min writing bc it feels good to get things out of my head on to paper, or in this case a computer.
I’ll check in later.

417/05 My first comment! Notes Re: Mr Right & Camera

417/05 9:46a

OK I am oh so happy because I have recvd my first comment from another blogger. Dee from Diva in Scrubs http://adivainscrubs.blogspot.com/. I have linked her. I am so happy about this because I really do want to see what peoples opinions are. So far I have been extremely open and hopfully that doesn't bite me in the ass, but that's the way I would prefer to be -myself.

This is a continued thought from my previous post.
There are no other Mr. Rights. If another 'Mr. Right' tried to come around I think that I really would steal his beer and take off. ;) inside joke. But no, I can't see any other 'Mr. Rights' coming in my direction and plus there is no vacancy here. Reservations have already been made, there is no room for anyone else, this is a promised deal. So any other 'Mr. Rights' can fuck off.

(Sorry this won't make sense to anyone else)
As far as the camera...the main reason I wanted it back bc there are mostly pics of you, Rick James, and myself. Very few pics of Cali. I think I have like 4. But I am going to develop them today so I will mail you prints of the good ones. I got a pic of you all snuggled up in bed still sleeping one morning. I think it will be my favorite. You looked very cute and I really just wanted to crawl back in bed with you.

4/17/05 2:30am On Pause

4/17/05

So here I am on a Saturday night at 2:30 am posting -again. I just got up from a nap so now I am kinda wired. I had a rough day. I am emotionally drained! I cried a lot today. That’s probably why I fell asleep at 7:50. Crying bothers me because I haven’t been a bigger crier till the last 2 months. I am not sure if it is still my PCOS or if it’s because I am in love and feel really insecure about the situation.

Since I mentioned PCOS, heres the deal w/ it:
(but this isnt what I really wanted to write about, so move foward 2 paragraphs to the good stuff)

Yeah I never mentioned before that I have pcos. It’s a girl disease. Basically you don’t ovulate correctly and it causes cysts to form on your ovaries as well as a hormone imbalance. The most common complications or symptoms are lack of period or a constant period, acne, weight gain, hair growth, sensitivity and mood swings, depression and the worse infertility. The most common way to treat this is w/ birth control bc its leveling out your hormones so your plumbing functions somewhat more properly. Thankfully I suffered the lack of period, only a slight increase of acne, a slight increase of weight (5-7lbs), and being more emotional than I would be normally. It could have been WAY worse. Some girls grow facial hair.

I’ve had this since I was 19. So 2 years. I thought it was treated and that it had gone away. But it flared up again about 2-3 mos ago. I just didn’t get my period. Based the neg preg test I knew what was wrong w/ me once again. I knew even before the neg test what it was. I took a 2nd for Blake to calm his nerves. Well anyways the reason I say I might still be overly emotional is because when I went in for a check up I asked to be put on low hormone birth control. Well this family practice basically gives you what you ask for. My Mom is a RN and said I need to be on something stronger, so this last month I went back to my old birth control and I’ve start to feel better, my face has cleared up & it’s only been a week & ½. It’s awesome but takes a little more time than that to fully take on its full effect. I can’t wait to be myself again and less emotional. Or it could be the whole love deal, but I don’t think it’s that bc I am sensitive to other dealings in my life as well. So this is not what I wanted to post about, but I thought I should explain this since I mentioned it.

So today I went to Blake’s, mostly to get that face to face explanation and to get my stuff and give back my keys to his house. I am not sure what happened or what I really expected to happen when I got there. But we talked about what’s going on with him in his head. It came down to this. He needs to get a few things straightened out before he can ‘commit himself to me’. So through out our talks we basically came to this. We still love each other. He needs a couple weeks of solitude to get a few things back on track w/ himself. So we are ‘pausing’ our relationship. So what I believe what he meant by saying he can’t ‘commit himself to me right now’ is that he can’t commit himself to the day to day functionality of a relationship until these other things are taken care of. He needs to concentrate on these self improvement adjustments. So I guess that’s where the pause comes into effect. After his time off to get things right the play button will be pushed and hopefully everything will keep on going in the right direction w/o having to start over. Hopefully. Or it could just all end. Then I say to myself what’s 2 weeks? A week just went by that was way worse bc I didn’t know what fuck was going on I was in total limbo. This shouldn’t be so bad. And by the sounds of it won’t be complete solitude bc and we’ll still keep in touch & he’ll still read this site. It just won’t be how we would normally function.

Also he tells me it’s not just me that he is secluding himself from. He says he is also going to keep friends at a distance and concentrate on his issues and family. Which I really hope is true bc I would feel very singled out and abandoned if he continued to socialize a lot and etc.. I guess the reason why I question this is because today he returned a few phone calls and acted on the phone like everything was A ok and kinda made some comments about hanging out. But I guess with guys they don’t really get to emotionally honest w/ each other so I’m sure in a guys world it’s better to just act cool than wounded.

So moving on. We hung out with each other and talked and it was cool bc we would take a break from being all serious to burning CDs and talking about other things. At one point we jumped in the pool and had a quick swim. I felt all weird though bc I jumped in the pool wearing my panties and a tank top but when it came to undressing I was unsure if I should go into the bathroom for privacy, tell him to turn around & not look at me or what. He got naked right there in front of me so I just followed his lead. Sounds dumb I know but I guess it’s hard for me to see the line as to what is OK and not OK. I guess maybe I was over analyzing that one.

So there were a handful of hugs and small kisses and little touches etc through out the afternoon. Which was nice bc it helped me not feel totally out of place. So after the pool we decide to go eat and while he was on the phone I went into his room to put my clothes back on and comb my wet hair & etc. Well he came in the room when I was just standing there in my bra and nothing else. I felt so naked which I was but more of a mental nakedness as well as physical nakedness ~a complete nakedness. And he came up to me and just kinda swooped me on top of him & onto his bed. And we just laid there and it was such a great moment. I think I thought at first this might lead to sex or a sexual something bc he had told when we were getting out of the pool that he still thought I was really sexy and that we’ve have had the best sex ever in his opinion etc etc. Which was also reassuring to hear. But I wasn’t sure if sex would be a good idea for me. So we laid there and he just ran his hands all over the back part of my body and told me that he still loved me and not to give up on him.. Sex wasn’t even brought up at that point however I asked about it later.

Our little meeting was wrapping up. I didn’t want to take my stuff or give back my keys and at first we weren’t but he changed his mind. He had first said that I can keep them as long as I was going to respect the ‘pause’ & not go psycho. And then at dinner he changed his mind. He later explained when he was walking me out that he didn’t know if he would ever see me again and that he didn’t want to come home to some type of crazy mess one day. I resent or begrudge that bc I am not a crazy girl like that. I can get pissed but I don’t think there’s much he can do to make me want to vandalize his house or steal his dog. That’s pretty far out there. And if he did do something that horrible he could easily change just one of the locks. It’s not hard.

So that hurt because in a way leaving me with my keys was a way of being like ‘I am going to trust you and you are going to trust me’, and in another way it was kind of a symbolic way to show things will be OK soon. But I guess he just didn’t trust me or the situation to do that. So he took the keys & I took all of my stuff . I guess since he was withdrawing the symbolic thing of trust of this not being the end I didn’t want my stuff there. Maybe it’s a mental thing to take my stuff home so I am more so prepared in case this doesn’t work out. If he doesn’t have enough faith for that than I sure am not going to build a wall for myself to run full fledge into. Not sure if that makes sense. Maybe that is hard to understand. Maybe it’s just a girl thing or a Rachael thing, but that’s how it breaks down to me.

Side note about dinner. His roommate came, which was completely uncomfortable. I think Randy the r-mate likes me and everything & I think he’s great, but when there is drama between Blake and I I’m sure its not comfortable for him and its wasn’t for me. I tried to break the ice with him and act/talk normal w/ him when Blake was away but he was still visibly uncomfortable so it made me even more so. I clammed up after that. I didn’t know what to say or what to do.

Blake was kind of cold when saying goodbye. Not sure why he had to be like that when for the majority of the time I spent with him he was warm. He barely even gave me a hug. I held on for a longer one. I didn’t care. The conclusion of our time spent together wasn’t as good as I expected it to be. So I was going to give a good one last hug. And then he surprised me and planted a few pecks on my lips.

But that didn’t really make up for the key thing and the uncomfortable dinner. I still felt like shit. So I left and did the whole turn around and watched him walk away for a second and then pulled out of there and drove home. He didn’t meet my look back, he walked straight back inside. But right as I was pulling into my neighborhood he called to tell me one last time to not find Mr. Right and to not give up on him. I told him not to forget about me. We discussed how we were not going to be strangers and said love you’s and got off the phone. If he hadn’t called to say that I know I would probably feel much worse right now.

Things are hopeful but we will just see how things go. But it does hurt to feel unwelcome in someone’s life that you love and care about so much. My biggest worry is that he will forget what it’s like to be with me, and think that there is or find something else that’s better. It’s hard and painful to think that things aren’t going to work out, and that just makes me think of all the good things that I will miss.

Sentimental thought:
Being close and in a way making love or showing love didn’t always involve sex w/ Blake, just snuggling was as good if not better. It was like ecstasy. But, I hope that didn’t give the wrong impression. Sex w/ him was awesome as well and has been the best that I have experienced thus far in my life. I’ve never came so many times in my entire sexual history. Every thing about it felt connected, wonderful, and loving. Can’t really describe it, unless I were to go into more erotic details. Which maybe I will another day. If things are over it’ll will be hard to eventually find someone to match it. But there are so many other important things that come into play and that I will miss, but I am tired again and this was a long post. Maybe I’ll finish all my thoughts another time.

Goodnight.

4/16/04 2 AM ~My regrets~

1/14/05 2am

So I went out tonight and now I am sitting here w/ a cranberry vodka drink. My sister made me have a drink w/ her so I did and now she is passed out. But she has to work tomorrow.

Her and I went completely through http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/ If you haven’t checked it out you really should. So that site sparked a post idea. I am going to name as many of my regrets that I can think of.

1. I wish I hadn’t told my Dad to go to hell when I was 15. I wish I knew what I know today and I think we may have been able to have a better relationship. But I was a stubborn, some what intelligent kid who just didn’t give up on her beliefs or point of views.
So the last straw was when my Dad and I got into some random fight that I don't even remember anymore. I was upset and called my Mom to come get me. I packed most of my clothes and other misc things that I might need and walked out the front door to my Mom’s car. My father was coming out after me and in the middle of my sob I said ' Go to hell, Dad!'. I think that stopped him dead in his tracks and I just got into the car was driven away.
A few weeks later the rest of my stuff was unexpectedly delivered to my Mom’s house. My room at his house was repainted and given to one of my step brothers w/o my knowing and for sure against my wishes. I never forgave him for that. He still blames it on me. That was the last time I ever stayed in his house. Now I think since I walked out on my own Father I can walk out on anybody. But I would prefer not to make any mistakes in doing so.

2. I think back to a past relationship and I wish I would have said ‘You have a small ass dick anyways! Fuck you!, fuck your money!, fuck your mom! and fuck off! you selfish asshole!’ so much sooner than over 2 ½ yrs into knowing him. It was one of the best things I ever said to my EX. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was standing outside of friends apt and I left him standing at the bottom of the stairs and said all that on my way up to her door. However, I turned around and he had followed me up the stairs, I just hadn’t noticed.
I never really talked shit like that before, I’ve called him an asshole or something lame but I never have been into talking shit just to tear someone down. But finally he pushed me to the edge that it came flying out of my mouth. That was our last fight. I should left out that he had a small penis. Oh and as far as the money thing, we had this cell phone deal together and I owed him $50 bucks. I didn’t want to give it to him after he pissed me off so bad. But, I did end up giving him his money that night -just so you know.

3. Another EX bf thing. We once got into a fight in his car, when I am really pissed I can't get words to come out of my mouth for some reason when it comes to boyfriends. So I just sit there silently stare and hate. Well since I couldn’t get any words out I spit on him instead. I wish it would have landed on his face instead of his shoulder. I think my silence is because I never want to say something that I'll want to take back. Once words are out they can never be fully taken back.

4. One last lump of EX bf regrets. This is the one fight that I take full responsibility for, and just for all the hell he put me through I wish I had kicked his car 10x harder than I did that night. Oh, and I also wish that when he punched his windshield and broke it he would have really done some damage instead of just cracking it. This would have been the best; the time he threw my purse I wish I would have picked up it and smashed it right back into his fucking head. And that’s all. Not so bad for 3 years. Actually I regret that it lasted almost 3 years.

5. I regret stealing this girl's pipe and sack when I was in HS.

6. I regret putting my Mom through stress when I was a trouble maker.

7. I regret some of the drugs I did.

8. I regret some of the guys I dated.

9. I regret not being able to always speak my mind, on some subjects I am overly cautious and sensitive to other peoples feelings. Maybe too much counseling taught me to be more selective about what and how I say things. I never want to overreact.

10. I regret not taking school seriously in the beginning.

1 1. I don’t regret, but I feel bad I hurt some girls feelings over a guy. It’s been almost a year now and we are still dating, but it hasn’t been perfect.

12. I regret being an overly honest person. I need some things for myself.

13. I regret the times I have been cold or overly casual to people when I shouldn’t have been.

14. I regret the times I shut people out when I needed them the most.

15. I regret being overly cautious in life and not taking more risks.

16. I am going to stop before I regret this post.

4/15/05 You Gotta Check This Out!

It's really interesting!

www.postsecret.blogspot.com