11/14/04 The 1st of me -friends, EXs, family

11/14/05 8:00 p.m.

so hey....This is the first time I've ever played around w/ an online diary. The idea is really interesting. I live in phoenix AZ. It's a fun place...Well not really. Its kinda boring and not much to do unless you are 21, and then you can drink and party but that's only really fun for so long until you realize you're around the same fucks that you have been around for past 6 months. Then at least for me -get bored.

Its just another Sunday night and I am just dreading the thought that I have to go to work tomorrow. Gosh I hate that place but everyone has to do it and I am sure there are other millions & millions of people thinking the same thing.

so more about me.... i have a handful of good friends, guys are always bouncing in and out but that's how it is for most girls, good family life but like everyone we have skeletons in the closet. I'm just another middle class girl that gets swept off her feet in this crazy world. It'll probably be easier to write once I am more established on this diary thing. I have a real journal and it seems so easier to write in that than to type this gibberish here but I guess the thought that someone might read this is a little more sobering & inspiring. I'll try to make sense in case some one does actually reads this....

One of my really good friends is leaving soon to go 'down under' for school, she is from and still has family in the Sidney and New Castle area. So that'll be sad but she'll come home after the semester abroad. Its weird Yasmin and I have been friends since the 8th grade and always lived down the street from each other. Last year we went our separate ways for a while and then some how we ended up down the street from each other again....Now that has to be fate don't you think? What's really cool is it's like we never parted and we just hooked up from where we left off, but better bc where we left off was shitty times. Things are really awesome. Life works in interesting ways.

That's happen to me before w/ other close friends...I don't know if its going back to your roots or what but its really cool and weird. Example Jen and I were friends starting at the 3rd grade and then we went our separate ways after I moved to another school in the 8th grade. Then somehow we both got kicked out of HS after freshman year and both ended up at the same reject school. And then there's Megan, we were really close 8th grade and stopped talking after I got kicked out of HS and then Christmas eve last year I had nothing to do and felt kinda shitty so I went for a drive and saw her in traffic. That sums up that story.

I don't know many other friendship stories but I think mine are interesting. So those are my girls. We are all loners in our own little way, you wouldn't consider us a clique. But most of us hang out regularly. Jen and Yasmin don't have great history but everyone else gets along pretty well. Based on what I have gone thru so far you would probably imagine me as somebody that I am not. We are all above average looking girls and are really social we just don't get wrapped up in drama or the 'scene' whatever that is at the time. So there it is.

I was dating a guy for about 6mos and we recently broke up. I am trying to force myself out with other guys to kinda help get over it and its really hard. Guys suck. But I am sure guys think that girls suck....But whatever. This one guy Cory seems to really like me and calls quite often and I just don't feel it for him, but then I don't feel strongly for any guy at first and then I realize I could fall hard for this guy. So I don't want to string him along but I don't want to let him go too soon and not allow myself a chance to like him. I guess I am not one of those lucky people that just 'knows' if I am going to like someone. The guys I have somewhat liked I noticed right off the bat, but I always questioned if I really liked them. But I have gotten my heart stomped on 2x now so that's a downer.

The guy I have the most history with was Cary. We met when I was 17 and he was 21. We were involved w/ each other off and on for almost 3 yrs, and then he told me that we just weren't meant for each other, he doesn't feel like himself around me, and that he pretended to be happy w/ me. Cary and I shared the big group of friends and that made our drama even harder to deal w/. So after our last break up I disappeared from our crowd. I had already been making distance from them for a few months prior, but I totally split after that. It was just to hard and he had been friends w/ all those people longer. So I was going to start over, and try and build a new social life for myself.

Cary and I tried to do the whole friend thing just between him and I but he just recently told me his new gf is jealous of us talking and he thinks this girl is perfect for him everything but her looks so he wants to respect her feelings meaning that we couldn't be friends. I hope everything works out for him w/ that. I am over him but he'll always be in my heart.

Blake... well that one only lasted 6mos but it was really intense. I never was called a slut before him and then you'd ask why would I even want to be w/ a guy that said that to me but relationships aren't that easily defined if that makes sense. But anyway Blake in a lot of ways was soo great and I thought he may have been my match in some ways, but he was a bit older than me. Most would people wonder what a an older guy is doing still single and w/ a younger girl....but I didn't own up to that truth that maybe he had a problem w/ settling down. Like I said we were really intense and maybe hung out too much w/ each other too soon and then he broke up w/ me. Later I found out he had started dating some other girl the last week or 2 while we were together. Lying cheating bastard.

I was really surprised how we broke up. All I have to compare it to is Cary. Cary and I broke up so many times and when we broke up; Cary still felt like Cary and we always tried to be friends afterward but with Blake it was very cold, almost felt like it was my fault & he was very cut and dry w/ me. I really kept my cool when he broke up w/ me, I didn't show much emotion and was very cool and went out of my way to keep things friendly(not in that way) ....Then he paraded around the other girl in front of one of our mutual friends a week and 1/2 after our break up and that really hurt. That really really hurt! I hated him after that. I think that was the most disrespectful thing to do. So i am not keeping what i am doing a secret. He obviously didnt want that girl on DL. But I still kept my cool for another 2 weeks and then I went back and read this email from him that was just so fucking rude and I finally responded to it & I gave it to him straight and it probably made him feel stupid & selfish. It actually wasn't that bad of an email, I didn't like tell him to go drive his truck off a cliff or anything. Just gave my straight opinion which was warranted. He then called me 2x -I didn't answer. So he left me this message saying he was disappearing from my life. Which was really funny bc it was like 'HELLO PAL you already disappeared from my life w/ some other bitch. I know you are gone and at the end of my email I already said if you hate me after you read this then that's your choice and what happens -happens for a reason' so to call me 2x to say BYE so rudely was unnecessary. But whatever. Maybe it made him feel better to do that. The thing that sucks is that I still miss him sometimes...

One thing that does feel good about all this is I guess the girl he's w/ now is a real whack job. She is his age w/ 2 'missing' kids that her EX 'stole" from her and she did some weird stuff like I guess she left a big string of hickeys on his chest in the shape of a heart after 2 weeks of dating....And also I guess she's the type of girl that throws herself at people so they like her and she even asked my best friend about Blake and I's break up. WEIRDO! So Yay for B. Looks like he has something special there. I dont want to even think about her and him anymore so thats enough about that stupid asshole.

I went and saw this sneak peek premier of this movie that they are getting peoples opinion on before they release it. It was called 'sisterhood of the traveling pants' its based on some book that I haven't read and now that I've seen the movie I probably wont -but the movie was really good except that when we agreed to do it, they said the age group they were looking for was 18-25 or something and when we got there it was a theater full of little girls and their moms. The only men that were there were the guys that made the movie & they sat in their little reserved seating area...And plus there was no seating available! We had to sit in the front row! But the movie was good. For sure a chick flick. They had to search us and even waved a metal detector in front of us to make sure we didnt have recoding equipment. It was humorous.

well anyways not sure what else I could write about. uh.... I grew up in Scottsdale if you know where that is and my parents divorced when I was 8 and I don't talk to my dad much but he's still around. He remarried some girl that I didn't end up getting along w/. But what can you expect? Life isn't perfect. My mom is still single and she likes that I guess. She's left 2 men in divorce, 1st my half sisters dad, and then mine. She's a good looking woman & very independent. I got a younger lil brother and plus my older sis. All my dads family is back east in Ohio. My moms fam-damily is here in AZ 3rd generation.

But I gotta go -more later.