Friday late night posting

That I got through this week. I had a ton of papers to write. And they are done.

OMG - I feel so relieved!!!! I can just sit back and relax - at least I did for this evening till I have to hit the books again tomorrow....

and even possibley go in to work to take care of some client files... which will be on my time, ie not being paid.The whole situation is fucked on that one. It shouldnt be a big deal to pay me a few extra hours especially since I am part time - but whatever!

So other related news~

Two weeks ago @ work, an email went out to everyone from the owner. He in the subject line put "Financial Reality" and basically told everyone that he was going to have to cut everyones pay by 15%.

Ugh this sucked. I just started school, I left my full time job @ Us Airways and moved over to work w/ Eric (a friend @ work) 32hrs a week so I could start back on getting through college.

Moving over I was going to be paid a little bit more then I was @ US Airways, but for working less time. I told I would get health ins and they would be flexible.

I thought that this was just about one of the best things to happen to me lately. I would being working with a friend, get paid more hourly, work less, go to school, have health insurance, and work for a new company that may someday make it big, and that the few of us employees that started on this new endevour would be in really good positions....

But No. That is not how it worked.

First it turned out that Eric and I were these peoples slaves since we handle all the finanaces (even the personal accounts). The only big thing we dont do are the taxes (which I am thankful for bc there is some little shadiness....) The other employees fuck off for majority of the day and I am quite jealous that I can t even chck my emailw/o feeling weird.



So then my health insurance offer is no longer. I am on my own for that now (of course this news comes right after my 90 days is up and when its suppose to be offered to me.

Then my pay got cut by 15% and I am not sure how I am going to get through every month on the this new rate. And how the F am I suppose to afford health insurance alone especially now??

I don't think I can.

Anyways, So yesterday I discovered I have a cavity that I need to go to the Dentist for it and I am going to have to ask my Dad to borrow the money for this. This is soooooo not fun. I am embarressed bc I have always taken care of myself - but right now I I cant care for myself. Everything is all fucked up. I am not even sure if he will help me. I'd like to think he will - but I don't know for sure.

If he doesnt - Ill have to find someone who speaks spanish and head for the border and hope I dont get shot on my way over. The State is advising ppl to stay in the UZ/AZ bc theres been a lot of trouble around the AZ/Mexico border.

I might even have to get some sort of waitressing job on the weekends or something.

Times are really really tough. Fuck!!!~~~

And My eyes are involuntarily trying to close
goodnight

I got through another week of my life...

I did, I did.
But, I am so tired, any minute my brain could just shut down, causing my eyes to roll back, my neck to go limp leaving my head hanging, slumped over in my chair over my computer. Oh seriously. I am so ready for the weekend.

For some reason I am feeling misplaced at the moment. Not sure why. Maybe its bc I saw my crazy family.


If I were to ever fill out a postcard for postsecret.com it would be this secret today:

At times somewhere deep inside, I have this slight nagging feeling to go home.
But I dont know where that is anymore.

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=(

I need some more blogs to read - i just realized a few more of the blogs I enjoyed are no more. =(

This makes me sad.

COME BACK!

So there it is. Such is life. Cont'd

OK so I was writing back Becky when I thought of something that I left out on my last blog...

I hate the way people judge when I disclose that I have anxiety coupled with depression.

I despise it!

I didn't ask to be this way. This is the way I came. Unfortunately so - but so it must be.

So I wanted to share with the blogger lands one encounter that I had with a person that made me fucking sick that they were sooooo misinformed/wrong about this disease/condition/whatever the F! you want to call it that I have to deal with.

Soo... where to start?..........

Last year, around this time actually, I got really sick. Bronchitis. Bad.

It started off as a cold, and then lead to bronchitis...

I went in to my Doctors office, got the good ole check up and was sent out there with antibiotics and whatever else.


Well it didn't go away. So back I went to my Doctors office... which by the way has the worst fucking waiting room I have ever ever ever been in.

You make an appointment and you can bet your ass you'll be sitting there for an extra hour. And everyone there is sick, weird looking, trashy, or just look STRANGE. Oh and the chairs are uncomfortable. And the best thing yet - the little bitches at the front desk are the rudest shit brains I have ever encountered in a "care providing" environment and they really don't give a shit if you were to foam at the mouth and drop dead.

So anyways, after this fantastical hour of complete discomfort you can see the great Doctor.

She sees me, and then she tells me I must have a viral infection and sends me packing with nothing.

OK so that's fair. There's a lot of research that Doc's over perscribe antibiotics and it only really hurts our own immunity and not the bad little bug that's making us sick.

So OK, cool whatever. I'll just go home and pop some percs and xanax (forgot to mention that too, my shrink Rx's me xanax) to get through the next few miserable days.

Well again, I never get better. I get better enough I can go to work -sort of. I go through a box a tissues like nothing, I feel like I need to take a nap every 4 hours(which I do on my desk), food doesn't seem good, my nose bleeds from time to time, my lungs hurt, I feel like I am going through menopause bc I am getting hot flashes and my body just aches!

So I go back. This is my third visit. I go through the entire waiting room debacle and finally see my Doc. She sees I am back again. But for some reason she cant "hear" my chest congestion, I'm on cold medicine so I can sort of breathe with out shooting nasty snot all over or with out sucking my nostrils shut, my cough is suppressed, and my throat isn't red and pussing, so according to her "I'm OK!" "Everything's Great!"

Ugh no. I paid to get in here, I waited to get in here, and this bitch is not going to slap me on the back and tell me "everything's fine!".

So I try to explain. No, everything is not fine.

She rebuttals....

But No i think!
So I try to reexplain, I'm sick! Words flew, descriptions were made. And finally tears flowed! I actually cried to get help after I realized nothing I said was making a difference.

Still no, she's not going to help me, and so she starts to rebuttal again...
But this time she says it must be that I am making myself sick with my anxiety and asks me if I am having a panic attack..

WAIT WHAT?
WTF???? A PANIC ATTACK?

Is she retarded? Is she this fucked in the head?

Now, I wasn't having one before this, and g*d damned I could have after that!
(but i didnt)

But really what the fuck is that??? A panic attack??? Seriously?

And it clicked. She read my file and I had disclosed to the nurse that came in first that I had a Rx to Lexapro from my shrink.
Fucking Fucking Fucking BITCH!

Needless to waste more time - I went home with no care at all, but accompanied by a totally bruised ego and enraged feelings towards her. I couldn't believe that a medical professional would treat a patient like that.

But guess what? I again I never got better. This is probably week 3 of this illness. So I go back to see that bitch, and this time I looked and sounded sick, I made sure of it. You know what I did? I didn't fucking take my cold medicine to cover up my symptoms and this time she magically heard the fucking mucus ball in my lungs. She heard the knocking rasp cough, and she could hear the snot piled up in my nose. Magically my low fever mattered!

And you want to know what I got this time?

HEAVY load of antibiotics, steroids, Rx strength cold medicine(s), inhaler AND hydromet cough syrup. Oh and in office breathing treatments.

Yup.

And YUP! Hydomet = liquid vicodin. Yum Yum, you can bet that life was shitty, but it was a lot less shitty with that.

But guess what? I didn't get better...

I went back two more times and was on a total of 3 rounds of antibiotics (some of which were 10 days Rx's) and 2 big daddy of bottles of hydromet before they put me on Tussion-X Total Suspension (sp?) which was an even heavier does of liquid hydrocodone/vicodin.

I was sick I think a for almost 3mos total. And that includes the few weeks I had to wait for them to treat me.

But to think that dumb bitch wouldn't care for me bc she stereotyped me (possibly two times) for being on anti anxiety medication?

That's wrong wrong wrong. And even more wrong that she was in the medical field. It was not like she was some ignorant hick - she was a Doctor.

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Ok so on to some randomness:

So my annotated biblio is like 9 pages long. My paper is suppose to be 6 - WTF?

And it may reach ten bc I half assed one of my entries. But I am beat - I cant do anymore thinking tonight, my brain needs a rest.

Good night.

So there it is. Such is life.

So I would really like to know how the fuck do people get through college and not loose their minds? I am taking - 2 - two - dos - classes and I am worn out all the fucking time!!! The only thing is that I work 32 hours a week in accounting. But still some people out there I have known worked full time and went to school full time. WTF? HOW?? PLEASE TEACH ME!?!?

I am not a terrible student. But I spend a lot of time doing my math HW and studying the chapter so i know what I am doing.


I have to, me = math retard.


And ok so emotional stuff get ready....

I have to get through it this time. I really have too. I have to prove to myself and my parents + family I can do it.

AND

I need to be in a career/job/work place that I like enough that makes me think being alive for another 50 years is OK. Seriously. I know that sounds sincerely morbid but - its how I feel sometimes. And I think nursing will make me feel complete. Ill be helping people. And I think that will give me more reasons to WANT get out of bed in the mornings. I think it will inspire me. I think it will be good for me. Bc when you just about hate every reason why you have to get out of bed every morning - life just sort of sucks.

So I guess I'll go a head and touch on this now (since someone has to be thinking it)... since the last period that I was posting I found out that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I take a lil bit of Lexapro for this - and have been for a while. My dose was heavier and then I realized or felt I had lost my "edge" so I lowered my does. So now I feel more of my "edge" but now I am starting to want to go back to no "edge".

Anyway - depression runs in my family. But for a long time I thought I was exempt from this. No I was not. And I got a little double whammy with the anxiety.

Bitch moment:
*Let me clear this up for any dumb fucks out there that automatically thinks anxiety = panic attacks. NO. They do not.

Panic attacks about feel like a heart attack and you usually go the ER thinking you are having one. Or perhaps for the younger gen maybe a extremely real life like, or realistic acid trip. But fucking crazy at the same time.

My anxiety does not equal those. What it does equal is spine tingling, want to jump out of my skin, eerie feelings.

Perfect example (one I used w/ my Dr) - when I had, had too much coffee in the morning and was sitting in my car stuck in traffic for as far as I can see, the urge to jump out my window and leave my car there was very attractive. To just say FUCK IT and leave was sooo tempting. OR to ram the car in front of me or to drive down the freeways shoulder. Anything but to sit there any longer was fine. I literally wanted to jump out of skin. Anyways, this is more of the extreme (for me).

My light anxiety is shaky, worried, anxious, excited for no reason etc etc.

Or there is no anxiety. Or so little that I consider it none.

And so there is the depression. I don't identify with that as much... besides maybe wishing for changes that are not humanly possible. ha ha. But no, seriously - its something I wish I could be with out.

It sucks.

So there it is. Such is life.

So I must admit...

I was so enthralled with my new/old blog that I stayed up late (instead of doing my HW) playing around with it. Geek with a Capital G!

Sometime on Monday:

"So Rachael what did you do this weekend?"

"Oh I told my friends I had too much homework to do & that I needed to stay home. But I ended up blowing it off anyways to play around on my blog."

Capital G.

Ok - so now I have 2 sections of math and 5 annotated Biblio's to do today. I love school.

Welcome Back

Shiiiiitttttt! It's been years since I have been back here! WOWZA! What inspired me to come back? OK seriously a friend and her sisters blog - http://seipasaurus.blogspot.com/.

Its good shit. Read it!

So I ended up here on good ole blogger, and so I tried my user name/PW and it logged me in! I thought my boring bullshit was stuck in public view forever! (I think i tried to get in once before and it didnt let me). The thought of never being able to all that crap down really bothered me since I aired out so much shit back then. But now I have the access! So now I guess I'll just leave that old shit for 3 reasons:

A) Its interesting for me to go back and read it every once in a while.
B) It would take forever to unpublished all those posts, but still save them for myself.
C) I don't want my blog to look so dang empty. Even if i was a weirdo back then (still am) and wrote about dumb stuff (probably still will)...

OK - so lets catch up for min...

After I stopped posting on here a few things have happened:

Almost 3 years went by...
I moved in with Blake....
I went back to work full time @ US Airways and got to travel around a bit across the US/Mexico...
Left US Air to go back to school ~ MCC - yeah!!!!
I now work part time doing accounting for some rich assholes.
Still live with Blake (5 yrs we have been together)
And wow - i read back to those old posts and i would have never thought my life would have ended up this way. Life is good, don't get me wrong. But the path always changes up on you...

So anyways, now i am a fatter, older (25yr old), hopefully wiser Rachael.
Still my same old self. Perhaps just more comfortable in my skin. I don't know - but whatever.

So something really sad happened this week; 97.1 Free FM was taken off the air. 97.1 was a FM talk radio station in California that I listen to via the net. Mornings were Adam Corolla (Which the edge did stream to us Arizonans) but then midday was Frosty, Heidi, and Frank, then a short segment w/ Danny Bonaduce, and then Leykius. I really like Corolla and FHF, and sometimes Bonaduce. It was what got me through my extremely boring days at work. And now they are no more.

CBS Radio took them off to start another top/pop 40 radio station. Ugh. Who needs any more of that shit, really?

So every ones last show was on Friday and I came to the depressing realization my life just got a little worse. I loved those shows. They were fun, but informative with current events and etc.

What will I do to ignore people that I don't want to talk to at work? I guess I could be one of those people that just sit at their desk with ear phones in and not really have anything on.

OK someone is going to being thinking - "Why doesn't she just listen to an mp3 player or another radio station?"
BECAUSE! Its not the same! I cant concentrate so well with music. And typically if i like a certain music it has some sort of emotional connection and then ill be totally distracted pondering the meanings of love and life, and maybe crying. So that's why.

So I am odd, and typically don't like music, unless it pulls on some emotion. So, sometimes I'll not want to be emotional (and that doesnt mean always crying - it was an exaggeration) and ill drive around with no sound on. --Yes, weird I know. Or it will be pop 40 music - that also allows me to not think. HA HA. But I cant listen to pop at work bc its like same 5 songs over and over and that drives me mad.
....So I just realized that i am sound very particular. Maybe i am.

Oh well. Anywho, what a sad day it was on Friday. And so to make things even more awkward for myself I did something totally thoughtless at work.

Wait - let me explain my work:

~I do accounting/Bookkeeping for about 11 different small companies for these rich asses that own them.

~My really good friend's husband (Friend= Beka, Her Husband = Eric) works there as the head accountant - Eric needed some help. I was doing accounting over at US Air...but wanted to go back to school and work less... so i moved over to be able to go back to school. I work 32 hrs a wk around my classes.

~So covering that - I thought it might have been weird to work with Beka's hubby (one of my best friends husband) but its not bad. We have our moments and then we get over them. I see them just about every weekend so Eric and I see each other sometimes seemingly constantly. I think we see more of each other then we see our spouses. But its all good.

~So anyways - Eric and I share our room with the office manager. She is this tiny little screwy crazy lady that has a high pitched cackle thats uber annoying. Also, she plays the 20 question game about your life, she's nosy, and also the owners pet. But being that we spend 8 hrs a days somtimes within a few feet of each other, conversations roll and sometimes things get comfortable. I like her most of the time - but she is def a spaz! And will throw you under the bus to the bosses in a heart beat - sometimes with you standing there. Luckily I was warned bf I had a personal exp. but ive seen it.

OK OK - so the gist is that i work with my best friends husband for these rich asses, who've hired crack lady to manage the office.

SO- Friday was a loooonnnggg day. My radio show was going buh-bye, I was worn out, frazzled by something stupid that happened at work, just plain worned out by the week of school and work, everything else in between. I guess I was feeling a little bitter about the job at the moment and 5 o'clock hit and I looked up and said:

"Well it's 5 O'clock, Fuck this place, fuck you guys, I'm going home." to JJ (crack lady) & Eric.

I immediatly wanted to cram the words back down my throat from which they came. But it was too late. I probably at this moment turned an even more pastier white then i am already.

JJ was quick on the draw. But she surprised me. She said: " Tell me how you really feel!"

I laughed and said "I was just kidding, i love yous" (eric and her) and tried to sweep it up with a laugh and a joke.

I am not sure if it worked. But my cheeks were burning on the car ride home - wondering if I had a job on monday.

Relief came when Beka called a few hours later. She and Eric wanted me to come over for some wine and beers. I couldnt join, I have to much to do this weekend, and everytime of go over there i get too fucked up and stay up till 430am which ruins my weekend productivity. But the invite was enough to ensure me all must be OK. OH and Eric apologized through Beka to me regarding some mix up at work. So obviously my heavy remarks did not faze him. TG!!!!

I really was astounded that those words came out of my mouth so easily. Like the runs when you are sick, and yet I got no relief afterwards like other does....

OK So i think that was pretty good for my first one back.

Wow, and thanks for making it down this far.