So there it is. Such is life.

So I would really like to know how the fuck do people get through college and not loose their minds? I am taking - 2 - two - dos - classes and I am worn out all the fucking time!!! The only thing is that I work 32 hours a week in accounting. But still some people out there I have known worked full time and went to school full time. WTF? HOW?? PLEASE TEACH ME!?!?

I am not a terrible student. But I spend a lot of time doing my math HW and studying the chapter so i know what I am doing.


I have to, me = math retard.


And ok so emotional stuff get ready....

I have to get through it this time. I really have too. I have to prove to myself and my parents + family I can do it.

AND

I need to be in a career/job/work place that I like enough that makes me think being alive for another 50 years is OK. Seriously. I know that sounds sincerely morbid but - its how I feel sometimes. And I think nursing will make me feel complete. Ill be helping people. And I think that will give me more reasons to WANT get out of bed in the mornings. I think it will inspire me. I think it will be good for me. Bc when you just about hate every reason why you have to get out of bed every morning - life just sort of sucks.

So I guess I'll go a head and touch on this now (since someone has to be thinking it)... since the last period that I was posting I found out that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I take a lil bit of Lexapro for this - and have been for a while. My dose was heavier and then I realized or felt I had lost my "edge" so I lowered my does. So now I feel more of my "edge" but now I am starting to want to go back to no "edge".

Anyway - depression runs in my family. But for a long time I thought I was exempt from this. No I was not. And I got a little double whammy with the anxiety.

Bitch moment:
*Let me clear this up for any dumb fucks out there that automatically thinks anxiety = panic attacks. NO. They do not.

Panic attacks about feel like a heart attack and you usually go the ER thinking you are having one. Or perhaps for the younger gen maybe a extremely real life like, or realistic acid trip. But fucking crazy at the same time.

My anxiety does not equal those. What it does equal is spine tingling, want to jump out of my skin, eerie feelings.

Perfect example (one I used w/ my Dr) - when I had, had too much coffee in the morning and was sitting in my car stuck in traffic for as far as I can see, the urge to jump out my window and leave my car there was very attractive. To just say FUCK IT and leave was sooo tempting. OR to ram the car in front of me or to drive down the freeways shoulder. Anything but to sit there any longer was fine. I literally wanted to jump out of skin. Anyways, this is more of the extreme (for me).

My light anxiety is shaky, worried, anxious, excited for no reason etc etc.

Or there is no anxiety. Or so little that I consider it none.

And so there is the depression. I don't identify with that as much... besides maybe wishing for changes that are not humanly possible. ha ha. But no, seriously - its something I wish I could be with out.

It sucks.

So there it is. Such is life.