Verbage

I slept for the majority of the day. Now I am all wired. So I figured I'd post.

Well tomorrow I am going down to finish up my enrollment for school. Very excited. Also excited that some how I figured out how to survive working part time and having a car payment, rent and etc. I would encourage anyone to work part time. It's brought me so much peace, (sometimes boredom) but I think it might be worth it. Some people may not understand this.

I have figured out a basic school schedule. Hopefully I will have time to talk to a counselor. Or I wont, who knows.

~~~~~

Somedays I feel kind of numb. I have had a few days like that recently. Nothing seems like its worth even talking about. Kinda sad.

I would like to meet some new people. I think it would be fun. I have never made a friend from anyone that has been in any of my classes before but I am hoping that will change this semester.

I am lonely sometimes and I miss feeling close to people. I just dont want to go back to the type of life I had before.

But Jeff just called and he gives the best talks so I am going do that. I love him, he is my very best friend that lives in Ca.
Here's a pic for all of you to see

BLAHHH!

I love these fairies.

Oh Gosh. I am wiped out. It's 2pm and I am still freaking tired. Went out last night and saw a kida band play that went to the same HS as me and Yazer.

It was a blast from the past! Kinda trippy, old friends I used to hang with look exactly the same. So werid.

But then I started to get bored after a few hours of being there. The friends I was with were a little drunkered so they were OK hanging. Me Ms. Driver didnt want to get totally smashed.

The weekend overall was fun though. Fri Yaz came over and we just dorked around and talked and it was a lot of fun bc we hadnt had a lot of time to just hang just the two of us, oh and wine ws involved. And Saturday Yaz came over in the morning and we made breakfast together. I learned the art of pancakes. Very nice.

I wish i had more to say. There are new pics below if you would like to sneek a peak.

Besides that all is well. I hope everyone had a good weekend too.

Maybe I will muster up a real post later.

For the curious

Pics of Blake, Yazi, Myself, and my all time favorite doggy Rick James.

These are old and bad. They were taken before Yasmin left to study abroad.
B has more on his comuter, if I get a chance I put those better ones up.

A bit intoxicated at like 3am...

Blake making a funny face...

Blake and I drunkered w/ him looking kinda weird

Just a very drunk moment when I so very in love with B and Yaz.

These last 2 are my famorite bc of the memory behind it. We had just gotten back from the local water hole & Yasmin just got her cool new digital camera. So Blake took it and we started playing Mr. Photographer but uh he is not a good one -but he tried. It funny bc we were all plastered sitting on the floor, leaning on the very comfy leather couches that we could have been sitting in. But hey, we were plowed.

I am a dork ~&~ About my Dad

I got up early and decided I was going to go finish up some testing today at the college and what ya know the testing center was closed!
Ha so I drove 15miles for nada. I should have called first. But I called on Tues and I thought they had said they were open Mon-Fri. Weird. Even thought that the parking lot was empty even for summer.

So Since I was in my 'old hood' I drove by my old friends house that I havent talked to since I shut down my cell phone. This was the one that thought I was trying to get a hold of her so she emailed to say 'call again' (it wasnt me in the first place) - anyways she wasnt home. And After I drove off to get back on the freeway I got a feeling that I wasnt ready for that yet anyways and I got weirded out.

So I am a werido I know, I know. Its ok though. I wont be forever.

But today for some reason I am feeling a bit better.

I really should just change my blog addy bc I started to write something about B but I am afraid he is reading so I deleted it. I even have a stat counter but ya never know. Paraniod much? Yes I am. Why? Bc he is smart and could be sneaky. He probably doesnt care. But ya never never know.

So I guess we will skip that topic...

~~~~~~~~~

Reading Rubens blog about his health issues kinda inspired me to write about my families problems....

I have never really mentioned my Dad on here. My parents divorced when I was 8. Not the nastiest divorces I have seen but bad enough that it was rough on us. My little brother was put into counseling as a little boy 6/7 years old. For some reason though we seemed younger, oh I think they put him counseling bf it was final. But they were far from being together.

But anyways, my Dad got an illness and I wont say what it was out of respect for his wishes for privacy but it affected his liver (He’s ok now). But my Dad or anyone in my family are not big drinkers. We just can't hang. I can and I like too, but I would rather come home and smoke a doobie than to crack open a 6 pack. But anyways, both of my parents aren’t big drinkers. So it wasn’t from that. Not so simple.

The Dr put him on a chemo treatment. Not the extremely harsh ones that make all of your hair fall out but bad enough he was sick from it. His hair thinned out and turned grey (we have super thick hair in family) plus he lost weight and was really skinny. That was hard, bc he seemed so human. Not my super strong Dad. He’s short(like me), but we are all pretty solid people.

Had to go to the hospital 2x One time it was after I kinda knew he was sick but I didn’t know the severity. He had to stay for over a week and he called me after his release to tell me what had happened. From what I am told one night he had a bad reaction to the chemo or something went wrong(drs don’t know) bc he passed out in the middle of chewing some food and watching football. The paramedics came and he was in the hospital for 8 days.

I never knew he was that sick. I got mad at everyone including my brother bc no one told me. My Dad almost died, stopped breathing, was turning blue when the paramedics came and had to stay in hospital for over a week. No one wanted me to know bc my Dad didn’t want visitors and knew if I knew I would go anyways. Maybe he knew inside he would be Ok and he didn’t want us to see him so sick. I don’t know. But had he died and I didn’t get my chance to say good bye I think I would be angry in some ways. I think when a parent is sick like that you need to hug and cry together. I would have been hard to see my Dad all laid up in the hospital, but at least I would know what was going on and have a chance to say something, and make some reconciliations.

We have not always gotten along. He was too structured and I was in my crazy teens and I rebelled against it. Then he got remarried and I hated all the changes. I was the girl of the house and all of a suddne I lost that. She~ was now the woman of the house. Her and I ended up not getting along, I thought that my step brothers were spoiled, and I just didnt get the same attention I once did. My freedoms were also being taken away and I hated it and caused hell. I know I didnt handle it great, but he didn’t handle it so well either. In some ways we both messed up. I was smart and just caused him hell and he caused me the same. I had my Mom I could go run to. So I did.

We didn’t talk for a while or really see each other. I think 2or 3 X-mas's & B-days went by w/o much but a card. And then we tried to be close and WHAM he was sick. Maybe he reached out to me bc he was sick and just didnt tell me right away. I don’t know. But to think I almost lost him on such bad terms kills me. You gotta mend things like that with your family bc in reality family is all that you have.

Last night I went out with him and we stuffed ourselves on Red Lobster. And I yacked his ear off. I am good at that. He did interrupt me to say that he just had a follow up (its been 3mos) and he is still healthy w/ no new signs. The grey seems to blend in better now, he has a full head of thick hair, & he put back on some weight. He looks like my Dad again. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to see and do these things with him bc I know that not everyone is so lucky.

~Random~ Every High is met with a low

Well I thought I would picture post for once. I thought this was cool. Visit http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

OK well I guess my official explanantion for my cranky ass is this. Every high is eventually met with a low.
So I was on a high of like Rachael Power and now its starting to fizzle. Great eh? So my plan is that I will still be just fine, but that I may need to start thinking about how I am going to wrap up the few remaining issues with myself.
Also I need to accomplish one thing and then I can pick out my classes for school.

I was crankyYesterday

for some reason. I am not sure why. I know that I kept on thinking back to all the weird dreams I had. I do hate it when I have a dream and it weirds me out enough that I cant stop from thinking about it. oiy those suck.

So I went to work, ended up hooking my phone back on after like a month of it being disconnected.

Talked to my 13 yr old cousin and told her I would come pick her and her friend up to go hang out. We rolled down Mill Ave and then we went to Dennys.YUM. Actually Dennys having a special right now, cool eh? So yeah we went to Dennys and hung out and they got to smoke cigarrettes for the first time in a public restraunt. I shouldnt let them smoke, but thier Moms know so.... Not my place? I would prefer them not, but I remember that age and how important it is to be cool. Its also a very crazy age for girls...13? The unlucky number for an unlucky time.

I was crazy at that age and sure enough I see it in them as well. You gotta see the movie 13 then I think you'll understand. FYI 13 is a dramatization so its not totally true but the concept is.
So yes we went to Dennys and then we got invite to Yasmins house. They begged to go and we did.

Then it started to get really hot at Yasmins so I brought all of us to my house. I was the first one to pass out.

So it was good times.

~~~~~

So for some reason I feel a little cranky and emotionaly stressed again today. I wonder what is wrong.
Maybe I am coming to a realization that I am alone. hmm it sucks but am I ready to face my old friends? I dont know.
I think that the issue with B is coming to mind as well. Wondering if things can be put back in their place with him or if I should just flush the project. Its funny when you are younger and have an issue things are so easily fixed and when you become an adult your issues are so magnified and complicated. Its so much easier. Maybe I lost that simplicity when I dated a much older guy.

Oh well. I want to just shake it off. All my somewhat troubling thoughts. I was so hopefull and optimistic and blah blah and now I just feel like BLAH.... ahhh what a girl to do?

Hump day again

So I woke up sleeping sideways on my bed. Random but comfy....

I also had some really weird dreams about B last night. It totally weirded me out. In one of them he had a son...now thats odd.

Hmm besides that I dont have much to report. Has anyone been to myspace? well if you havent you should check it out. Its kinda cool. You can meet up with old friends there.

Well anyways, since I dont have much to say I guess thats all folks.

For now anyways.

The Good & The Bad

First I would like to send a thank you to everyone that has been so kind and supportive towards me in regards to the troubles I have had. I do appreciate it.

I would like to ensure everyone that I am OK.

I know B and I think I have an idea or two whats going on with us. However, no one can be for sure and thats just the way the cookie crumbles. Time will tell.

But more importantly I know whats going on with me.

I am overall happy with myself & and everything in my life. If shit starts to slide in a direction that I dont like (including B) trust me the garbage will be taken out (it already has once). I know now that no matter what happens I will be OK. Its a feeling that I havent had in a while and its so awesome.

If B gets weird, shady, or whatever then he will go on his way and I will on mine. Of course I will be sad but not to same degree I would be as when this all first happened. I dont have much to loose and a lot to gain.

I dont know how it all worked but I woke up one day and decided I was not going to be bothered so much about things that I have no control over. I just won't. And it worked and it changed my perspective.

And in a weird way I have learned so much from these situations. It was something that needed to happen. I am not so reliant on my relationship w/ B to be happy. It has been a while but I am happy all by myself. Usually I would be upset that things between him and I were not perfect and blah blah. But no, thats not how I am thinking. I wake up every day and feel good regardless of how that situations sits at the time. And the few times I do get bothered it passes quickly.

For once in my life I am on my own. I harldy talk to any of the people I did 1 or 2 mos ago. The friends I have are few but I dont care. I am happy. I dont have drama & I only worry about myself. I love my job and the few friends I have gained there and I am having fun hanging out with my family. It probably sounds dumb but it is what it is. My life is so simple and yet so refreshing. In some ways I miss going out with the girls, but that in itself was drama half the time too.

Also, I have been rebuilding relationships I have with my family. They all thought I hated it here and thats why I never came home and was always at his house. And maybe in ways I didnt like it here, I dont know. But my Mom and I are becoming closer again. Taylor and I are getting along pretty well and my sister and I are friends. Her and I haven't always been very close or friends, but we are working on it. And most importantly we are working on being a family together, getting along, basic life lessons & regaining closeness.

At one point Taylor was moved out, we never saw him, Sweeten my Sis was in Utah and we never saw her. It was only Mom and myself that made up the family. And then WHAM Sweeten was moving home to Az and was moving in till she got on her feet. Tay got kicked out of my Dads after he and his friends decided to go back home to their parents. And all of a sudden its a full house in like less than 2 mos. And it rocks, I come home and I always have someone to hang out with and when the house is empty I get bored sometimes but I just spend time talking to friends and vegging out.

I cant describe it any other way besides that. I do feel bad though bc yesterday I got an email from my old friends and they were asking me if I had been trying to reach them bc they got some calls, but they didnt have the right number and to call them again and leave the right number.

But I was not the one calling.

I dont know if this was a trick to get me to talk to them or what. I told my motha and she said sounds like they are trying to reunite. I think they have been all along though, it cant think of one week that i didnt get some type of email.

But I still think I want to be alone for a while longer. On my own free of social stress from them. I know its random to hear that someone just changed their number on their own social circle but I did. I couldnt stand what was happening. There were issues between M and I. J got involved and made them worse. And then everyone associated with either side of the story got involved. uhhh no thanks. I had enough going on. The only person I remained in contact was w/ B. And that itself was shitty. So we broke up for a week and I really spent some time on my own not talking to anyone and did some real thinking and soul searching. And I came out with this totally different attitude.

But anyways, I dont really know how to respond to my old friends. Even if I wanted to be part of the gang again I will get shit and guilt trips for going on my own and leaving them high and dry. I dont know if they will get the amount of stress it caused me to be friends with them with everything else I had on my plate. Dont they get when people have a hard time in life it serious shit? I felt like I was having a mid-life crisis. And they were still trying to drag me into drama land. I couldnt do it. I needed a break. But anyways, thats all for now. I want to go sit on my new couches bf I gotta go to work. :) they are comfy.

Oh and I ended at 86 hits for yesterday, where are all these peoples? HELLO?

Checking in

The rest of my wkend was pretty good. Sat I hung out and slept. Then sunday my Mother and I went shopping. First went to Wally Mart and then had luncg. Stopped home, and then went out and bought furniture. Got new sets for the both the living and family room. The one room got italian black leather sofa and love seat. Much deserved bc my mother had to wait a while to refurnish the casa.

So that is coming today. Very excited to see how it all matches. Besides that not much else going on. Was up way late yapping on the phone w/ a friend.

My Sis and I hung out last night as well. That was nice. So besides that everything is all good. Probably write more later. Got some mail to go through.

Hope all had a wonderful weekend,

oh I am at 45 hits for the day yesterday was 72....why not more comments? Say hi, list your opinion, or whatever. I'm nice and dont bite. Plus to have more blogs to read is always good. I need a few to add to my rounds!

Seeing Blake

So last night I saw Blake. In some ways it was magical and I got everything I had wished for. However I now look back and regret that my wish wasn't more precise.

I walked in his house and he looked beautiful. We gave each other long meaningful hugs. I heard some nice things that I wanted to hear. We embraced for a while and did all those little lovey type things that people do like smelling each other, rubbing faces, stroking, kisses on the side of the mouth and etc.

Ahh but then he pulled away.

And he wanted to know what I was thinking & how I felt abput everything. Sometimes in moments like those I would like to just go with the moment and then other times at least I know where we stand.

We talked, and we are not back together in the sense we have functioning healthy relationship.
We made some (I thought) progress and that was good, but we have not made full amends and I am not so sure that we will.

He said he still loves me, that we have a great connection that he hasn't had as strong ever before, that I am beautiful, we make the best love together (I'm better than anyone else he's ever had he's 33 and has some experience in that area), and that he wants me in his life in some way. And yet we are broken up.

However, from what I gathered from him is that it's hard for him to say that he is still in love with me but there were some contradictions (I personally think he still is bc of everything we have said and been through). I know Blake and we have gone through these bumps before. The only thing that I know about them is that Blake is a very sensitive person. And after being so overwhelmed he has to unhook, in which he is somewhat cold and tries to block out anything that could cause him to feel any real emotion.

Perhaps normal people go through this as well and don't even realize it bc they know how to manage it. But Blake doesn't, or he is one of a few that stress effects him and everyone around him extremely hard.

After our talk last night we went and just laid down and snuggled, and rolled around w/o doing much and then it lead into you know what....
We fell asleep all snuggled up and it was great to fall asleep to pleasant smell of Blake.

Last night and the better half of the morning was so great, close, and wonderful even though it wasn't under the greatest of circumstances. However later in the morning Blake got overwhelmed and started to have some anxiety. When that happens he is very hard to deal with. I tried to talk to him and he was kinda on the closed off but we did a little.

He said what happened between us wasn't what he had expected. But then I don't know what he was expecting since he wanted me to hang out and get a little intoxicated w/ him and also his roommate that never leaves the house was on his way out as I came in. So makes me wonder. But anyways, during our talk right bf I left I looked him straight in the eye & I swear I saw some emotion. He was even kinder and more gentler when I was leaving than he has been in the past when he was so ovewhelmed with anxiety.

As I was leaving & approaching the door I looked at him and said you/we have gone thru this in the past... and he responded but I cant remember exactly with what so therefore trying to guess would not do it justice. He but responded and I felt like there was a silent understanding that we've done it bf maybe we can again, we will see if that was in my head or it was really something I picked up on.

We might get together again to race go carts this weekend, but then we might not. We will see.

Parts of me would like to move on and start over. I pretty much have with every other aspect of my life. And I think most people would say that I should do. However this is choice that its mine and of course his. I don't know what the future holds for us. I really don't. However I think that if we were meant to be over than we wouldn't have all those feelings still and allow ourselves to be close like we were. But then again it could be something hard to let go so easily. There has to be something on either end to tango, that much I know.

He said that he has been thinking about me and missing me, he even said I've been in quite a few of his dreams. Why he told me I had been in his dreams I don't know bc when I asked what they were about he said he could really remember. I think he did, but he just didn't want to tell me what they were for whatever reason. And any guy that reads this is probably going to think that they were sex dreams. I think there was more to it than that bc I would think he would have just said so. Blake doesn't beat around the bush. But I didn't have them so I don't know for sure...

So I have learned this once, and maybe we will have refresher that getting back together can be harder than breaking up. I'm sure there are more lessons. However, what the final result will be is still unkown to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wonder if his issues will ever subside to the point that we can live and love stress free for longer periods than 6mos. He says he doesn't want the drama but from my perspective he's the one that causes it or doesn't deal with it in the best sort of ways. I know that I am not perfect and so I am to blame as well. I think that I have also grown so much from this last ordeal that I am better suited to deal.

In some ways I don't think Blake could find anyone quite like me. I am open enough to accept him the way he is and love him for it anyways. I know most other woman would run screaming in the other direction once they saw what it can be like. But I am so loyal and die hard if you will that I cant just say bye and turn away from a person I love so deeply.

Blakes lifestyle and his age don't really match. He does not act like a normal mature 33, going on 34 yr old man. I think he knows this, and he has found a nitch of guys that were all bachelors as well. But they are all now starting to settle down. He has one left that that hasn't. And what a surprise that's who he has been hanging out with.

This guy was also dating a younger girl and had been for some time. They are still together as far as I know and probably will be for a while more but cohabitating for them didn't work and whatever. She's cuter than he is and plus she has her age that he does not. Not to sound bad. But its the truth.

Mature age has appeal no doubt but most men generally like younger woman and a man that is loosing his youth is going to loose the ability to attract youth. Especially when he doesn't have much more to offer (not directing that towards anyone, just a general statement). Most woman wouldn't put up with their lifestyles. I think anyways. And then you zero down on the baggage, mental stability, financial stability, looks, and compatibility/connections -on both sides the fish pond shrinks quite a bit.

I think it goes both way, the men that are left are fucked up and the woman are left to weed through garbage to find a good man. The same with men, they have to weed through garbage to find a good girl. Weeding is for all age groups, but the ratio you find - bad vs good tips to the negative side the older you get.

But anyways I wonder if there is a single woman out there that is more perfect for Blake that will put up his shit, his partying, his room mate, his anxiety, his no mercy fighting style, and all the other quirks and flaws that make him who he is and still make out in one piece & heart intact. And there is no changing B. I would advise to not even try. But don't get me wrong, the good things about Blake are great and sky high, but the bad are a lot & hard to handle. He would need a very very strong woman that is very independent & that has a big heart all in one.

Not one woman that I have ever talked to would stick through what I have. I wish that somewhere there was a woman so devoted as myself so we could have comfort with eath other. But then again I am a loner and Blake (a loner as well) was the first person(on any level) that I have ever wanted to give my entire self to. (some might just read this scoff bc of my age, perhaps I shouldnt list it).

Maybe there is a more perfect girl out here in AZ somewhere and when Blake meets this perfect girl maybe he will want to change and stay that new person on his own. But for some reason seeing that he's been in so many serious relationships, loved and dated so much I doubt it he will change for anyone. His age alone would not allow much of it and the fact he is so head strong would make it nearly impossible in my opinion.

Me on the other hand: I know that I could move on if I wanted too. And like I said in some ways I do, bc being a loner comes natural to me when Blake is not in the picture, when he is I am more of a lover towards him. I know I am pretty enough, smart enough, kind/sharing enough that I could find love again. There's no doubt. But I don't like making mistakes and don't like having regrets. Today and yesterday when things that were said that normally would have made me feel emotional I was stayed numb and it passed through me w/o much reaction. And I don't want to turn away on something that I love so much and just might be strong enough to handle.

But we will see what happens.

re: Adjusting

My friend has a blog and today I checked it and I found something that I didnt like so i wrote back to her and added my 2 cents to some of things that she said. Read below are parts of her post and then the bold is parts of what I wrote back to her..

Adjusting
I am slowly adjusting to being back in AZ, but that doesn't mean I am having a good time doing it. The past few days have been interesting to say the least. Let's see where do I start?
'...It seems as though the people that I have seen and that are happy are the ones that I enjoy being around...'

Wow yasmin. Seems like you are really 'understanding'. As much as you think whatever about me and my situation I actually have been just fine. I know whats on my plate and its great. Its mind over matter. Which I decided sun/mon that I was not going to be sad about anything. I had a bad first day or so but what could anyone expect? I dont think its even been an issue bc I havent laid anything on you at all. You called 1x when I was upset on Saturday and I got off the phone. Thats it. I have been hanging out with my family and having a good time w/ them. I have not been avoiding you to hang bc i am at home depressed. Its bc i am at home enjoying the people that matter most, my family. And I'm sorry but I am not going to chase you around. You want to hang out I'm sure you will call.

It's funny coming back to a life that you had almost forgotten about. My time in Australia was so stress free and I had little obligation to anyone. I really enjoyed that, but being back home I come to realize that there are a few people who let me off the hook fore the past 6 months because I was in Australia and now they are ready to expect things from me.

I dont think anyone expects much besides friendship. Not everyone sat with you in those counseling meetings. I did and I try to understand and its still hard. I think you are seeing all these things you havent seen in a long time and its foriegn to you. So therefor its off balance from what you are used to. Also letting you off the hook? I think that people probably had better things to do than to track your ass down when you are in another country. Just like your life went on so did life in America. Life has not frozen, you arent going back in time by being here. People went to bed and woke up every day and experienced life just like you did. I think that everyone has had oppertunity to change, learn and grow just like you. Only difference is you were in a whole new culture..

I wish that I could figure out a better way to describe this feeling, but it's hard. I think that the best way for everyone to deal with me right now is to not expect much from me. Especially things that you once did expect because in a way I am a very different person these days.

You may want to be careful with this. I know you think you have it all figured out right now but there might be a time when you think that you may want to be friends w/ people again. You have lived out of the country for 6mos, and if you are still so distant you might loose friends or closeness that you later might want again w/ certain people.

I am not saying I will not be your friend and be by your side, but in some ways I refuse to be treated as I once let people treat me.

Not even sure where this directed. But I dont think anyone treated you badly except you know who. You have always been a head strong, dominent, bossy person and I seriously doubt you let yourself be walked on. But whatever you want to think go ahead. I wont stop you.

Oh yeah and please lay off the guilt trips. You never called enough or write enough. . well get over it I was busy. I refuse to feel guilty when life is always a 2 way street. People could have called me or written to me more. I know I wasn't the best at always responding, but remember I had another life. Yeah complete with a group of friends, family, school, and a home. I had things that were more important that sitting at a computer talking to people. You know like real human interaction. Well enough with all that, let me get to the good stuff.

Everyone else had lives that went on well after you left. People were busy too. But the difference is that myself and whoever else made time to sit down and write to you, get calling cards, and pay money to keep in contact whatever it was that they did. I know you did to a point with me, but I also know that you were unavailable at times as well. I know there were many times that I didnt email you or call you bc I was wrapped up in my life here and then it would come to me that I hadnt made an effort in a while or even read your blog bc life goes on with or with out you. So to say that you were busy makes you look kinda like an ass bc so was everyone else. I know I was.

I dont think people are meaning to make you feel bad. I def have not and dont care too. You were gone for so long. I can continue to live and love my life as if you were still gone. Which in a way you are bc you seem like you are trying to recreate your life in australia here. Good or bad it is what it is. I'm all for you to bring the good things back. But dont let it consume your life as if it was total crap bf you left. Its mind over matter. And if you want to think that your life was crap then fine go right ahead bc your life would have been crap in Australia sooner or later too, as well as it will follow you where ever you go. I respect it that you have so much love for your life there. Now its time to love & live your life here. You have no other option. And if you think your life wont change again you are wrong. Your friends from there will go back to their lives in flag and wherever. I am sure you will all be friends but they had lives bf and I am sure they are going to get back in the groove of things as you are too. Not that you will forget about each other or anything like that you will always be close to the people that you went through that with but at the same time dont replace what you had. I think you should make room for both, you will come around get more used to it here.

One thing that I really miss about Australia is that during the whole time I was there every time that I went out drinking I never woke up the next day worrying about what I had said. For some reason I always knew whatever happened was cool. I think there have been 2 nights out of my 7 nights that I have woken up and kinda knew I had said/done something that I shouldn't have. Oh well, not that it matters I guess it is better to be honest and let people know how I stand with them and where I would like to stand. In other news. . .

Maybe its best if you just keep things to yourself until you have had some time to really form thoughts and opinions that are going to stick around. You just got back and you are far from being completely readjusted. So till you have everything in your head straight and relaxed dont cause issues and drama bc you think this way and whatever bc you will level out. You went from one extreme to another you will eventually fall back on to some middle ground.

I just washed my car and what ya know a few hours later a dust storm rolls in and dirties my car. Just the luck!

NEWS

UK police: Latest bombers failed
LONDON, England (CNN) -- Two weeks to the day after the July 7 London bombings, attackers tried -- and failed -- to set off explosive devices at three Tube stations and on a double-decker bus.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/07/21/london.tube/index.html


This chick has a pic of herself w/ cum on her face, but its not in english. Never push next blog button.

http://monolingua.blogspot.com/

FIVE TIPS FOR A WOMAN....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Stolen from the blog of:
http://exseno.blogspot.com/

random work

I have ran out things to do at work, actually I didn't. BRB

So tomorrow I will have the company SUV for a bit to run someone to the airport. How cool is that? I wont be able to drive it a lot but it rocks that I do at all.

So I felt like posting but I don't have much to say. I kinda wish I could have a job like this and would not have to worry about everything else.

I am here to keep people happy, answer the phones, feed the fish, misc stuff and smile. On an average day I will sit here at the puter, walk around and talk to people, feed the fish and sort and handle the fundings. Its very relaxed. I don't stare at the clock and wait for it to say 5. Some of the rich guys are stuffy but then some are like the owner/boss who was born into a poor family, so he's very down to earth. He will come in to the office sometimes in sweats and a t-shirt and is very laid back. So I think this is a big contributing factor to my blogging a lot. I got nothing to do. So this week actually as blown bye quickly.

Odd Call

So Yasmin calls me this afternoon telling me that my old friend Megan emailed her asking for my blog address. I havent talked to this girl in like...I dont even know a month, and then we exchanged a few emails over a week or 2 ago. But I thought this was very weird and Yasmin thought it was really weird too. Yasmin and Megan know each other pretty much through me. And Yasmin has been in Australia for like 6mos. She does know of this falling out and wants nothing to do with it. She wasnt friends with Megan really and just doesnt want any drama.

I def do not want her to have this blog addy. This has become my little safe place to rant and vent. I dont want it invaded by Megan
A.) bc we arent good friends anymore
B.) It's none of her damn business,

Either she & Jen are that bent about us not being friends or they are nosy... probably both. She had to have known that Yasmin would tell me though, kinda odd. I'm sure she knows about how B & I broke up and maybe she wants to see what I will say about it so she can tell some of the other girlfriends or Jen and they can have something to gossip about. Screw that monkey shit. I so dont even want to go there. I never wanted to be 'in' that clique bc it was just gossip/drama fest. So I never reached out to them. Which in a way just made it harder. oH wEll

So I emailed her I said I thought that was weird to email Yasmin and ask for my blog address. She said she 'wasnt thinking'. Hopefully she didnt figured it out and is reading.

This just kinda adds to the thought that I probably should change the web address and pick out a new name so cant be found.
I really didnt want to do that though. I contemplated changing it so B couldnt read it and then I was just like oh fucking well. So I should just blow her off too.

I am OK with my life right now. I like that I am making friends at work and its turning into play time. I've liked hanging with my family. My Sis and I are starting to be better friends. Which her and I have not always been on great terms. I go back to school so soon and I'm sure I will be around tons of cool new people. There are a lot of good things happening right now. Oh! I got my appeal letter aproved. Things are looking up for me. Finally. And I like the direction my life is headed.

I do kinda wonder what Jen thinks of me just taking off like that though. I was very upset with what happened with them. I needed to be alone for a while. I needed to figure some shit out and I really have. I dont even feel like the same person is some ways. Like all this was a huge lesson that I gained so much insight from. Still sucks how it happened. But, I hope that it doesnt sound gay or cheesy but I really think I have gained some wisdom. I havent sorted it all out in ways to describe it or explain but its there...I dont know -I feel stupid so I am just going to leave it at that bf I look like more of an idiot.

But hopefully that makes sense somewhat?

Well I guess its time for bed time.

Off early!

And going to HAPPY HOUR w/ coworkers, yay!

Goodmorning, It's Hump Day

The past two days we have had all the Earnhardt dealerhsip managers in my office for traning. I wonder if any of these people are some of B's friends bosses. He has a lot of friends that work w/ cars and such here in az.
Interesting Interesting.

Today I am tired. I think the lack of sleep is catching up with me. I woke up and ohh it was hard. I need to go to bed earlier. But last night I was up talking with Yasmin.

She crashed down on some of my school plans. Dont you hate that?

Paradise Bakery's muffins suck ass. We ordered some for the office...ewww. They are gross.

OK well I think I am going to leave this as short one bc I aint got shit to say!

Came across a newbie that has some potential.... read on
http://divine8madness.blogspot.com/

So here it is with just 10 min

before I leave. hmm, I kinda miss working full time. I do think that I am very lucky to work where I do. I am starting to fit in and come out of my shell. Everyone seems to talk to me a bit more. Maybe its bc Katie is gone. I dont know. This guy I works close to me is pretty cool. We have been talking and stuff since I've been here and today he brought me a nug. Its cool to talk to someone during the day at work as a friend.I havent been friends with people at work since...over a year ago. The job I had bf I went to the U-CanSuckIt.

well time to go C ya

Feelen Good

with my red lacy boy shorts on today ;)

Today is so far so good. I knew it would be better than yesterday. Oh gawd yesterday was shitty. But anyways I would like to thank everyone for the kind thoughts on Melancholy Madness (the other blog). Much appreciated.

Life is interesting how it works. Anything can take you by surprise. Sometimes when you fall down, it's how you pick yourself up that counts. I felt like I was at a low that I haven't visited in a while. I pushed people away and the few people that I had left I just ignored. Who knows. But I know now that I am ok. I've come so far that I have to be proud of myself. Now if school decides to crap out on me then I was meant to do something else. That's just way the cookie crumbles. But now I know that I am going to be OK. Writing has helped a lot. Almost everything I have felt has been written down. Some things I have kept to myself and most I have opened up for all to see. I don't feel like I have much to hide. I am who I am. And I am a good, strong, beautiful person. I don't want to sound full of it, I have my down falls too. But I have a big heart, an honest mouth, and a loyal conscience, and a fun smile.

I heard a saying once about falling on shit and still coming out smelling like roses. I would like to turn this bump in the road into something like that. And in some ways if nothing else 'good' happens I have the lessons that I have learned. That in itself is great. And let me promise this, I have def. learned a few lessons this time around. About myself, other people, and life in general. I am thankful for that.

I have no idea what life has in store for me. I could end up anywhere. I don't have much holding me down. No kids, no boyfriend, no pets, and basically no obligation at all. I can do anything. So we will see where I will end up.

I played in the rain

Just a bit. I wanted to make sure my sun roof was closed. Or whatever roof that opens up and you can pop your head out. Moon or Sun? Well anyways someone once told me I had a leak in it. Or it wasn't air tight or something and it was raining hard and I wanted to make sure my baby was OK. Tomorrow I think I am going to shampoo my car carpet or whatever its called. I have a wet dry vac. Its awesome. Its actually a 'shop vac' and its heave duty shit yo.

About the rain; when I went outside I stood in rain and then kinda splashed around in it real quick. It was fun.

I also had a heart to heart with my mother. Made me feel good.

I've wanted a dog for a little while now. A puppy :) and I am kicking it around. I probably wont bc he wouldn't have any friends and I am not home enough, but I would really like one. Maybe I should think about that when I am sober. But I love animals.

My dogs are old and permanent residence's at my Fathers house. I love them to death, but dont see them as much an I would like.

I dont know where I am going with this post so I should stop. And I need to go to bed.

I thought I had some words of wisdom but I dont. But heres some alternatives:

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
King Whitney Jr.

The more things change, the more they remain... insane. Michael Fry and T. Lewis, Over the Hedge, 05-09-04

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
James A. Baldwin

A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.
Anatole France (1844 - 1924)

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. C. P. Snow (1905 - 1980)

Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
Erica Jong, O Magazine, February 2004

The enthusiasm of a woman's love is even beyond the biographer's.
Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Mansfield Park

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
Wally 'Famous' Amos (1936 - )

Life is just one damned thing after another.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

Bad day

Oh god today was a nightmare. Caused me to have a slight freak out. I had 2 bundles of checks to do today on my own. Mondays Katie helps me bc there is so much to do.

I kept on getting distracted and bothered. And I miscounted on something. We had like over 160 checks. If that doesn't sound like much then imagine stacks inches thick. If one gets lost we are fucked. But anyway it was a nightmare. Tomorrow will be OK though. For some reason I just know this.

Seems as though people like my depressed blog. Its kinda odd. I guess sorrow loves company. Or people love to read about it. I do too. I would love to find some crazy girls blog to read. I like the juicy stuff. Anyways I hate that blog. I don't think it will be up for long. Just doesnt seem like me. I am so much stronger than that.

I am doing OK with everything. Dont know what to think about B.

I would really enjoy clobbering megan and taking out all of my anger on her stinky face.
I never should have given her chance to smoke me w/ her tears.

Anyways. I need to call SCC tomorrow and find out about my letter.

I forgot to go see someone at work bf I left bc I was in a hurry, so I hope they still want to give me some smokey smokey. ;)
I think I need to go smoke some smokey smokey.

I have some plans of leaving if I don't get into school. Yasmin said its the best way to handle shit.
I could easily just work full time, pay off my debts, get the key marks fixed and sell it and then go buy a plane tick and C YAH! So we will see how SCC works out tomorrow.

I am still so pissed about my car getting keyed, make me want kick my door in and rip off my spoiler.

Oh god that could be the cherry on the cake. If I don't get into school I will be gone or just fucking crazy from all the stress. I kid you not. I have no money to pay for school myself. I could get reimbursed but I just don't have the money to front that.

I sometimes feel like yelling at god till he notices me and telling him a thing or two. When I picture myself doing it I am outside and yelling at him and shaking my hands at him.
ha ha. I thought it was funny.

I better have a few smooth riding months coming up though. I think that's only fair.

But I am serious about getting out of here. In some ways I think that might be better for me than school. Like in Australia I can get a working Visa for 1 whole yr for. Just go away for a bit and travel and see what else is out there. I know what's out there though. There are just more dumb people.... people are fucking unloyal and selfish. Its like I see right through people or I totally underestimate them. Most of the time they are just dumb. Oh well. I am going to go look at phone prices and see what's the best deal and get a damn phone tomorrow after I hear what SCC says.

Maybe more later.

its early

But I made it. I really have no clue what I am going to do all day today. Ummm yeah. I dont even know what I am going to do to get through this mornoing! Let alone the entire day/week. My boss is gone so i have no one to hang with at work. :(

My Mom is funny. She called me a skank this morning and then I pulled out a travel cup and it was screwed up and I asked her what happened. Her reply was I put it into the micrwave. I said 'oh well you cant put these cups in the micrwave they have metal on them', she said 'I know Rachael, i figured that out'. Ha ha. she almost blew the thing up.
I'm not sure why, but my Mother can make me laugh quicker than anyone I know. Her mannerisms are just so funny. She gets mad at me when I laugh at her and she doesnt get why she is so funny.

ehh, today is going to be a long day. It's going to be a long week. fuck n shit man.

oh, i was thinking about something lastnight. Last I talked to megan was over email in which she gave me the scoop that her and dude got it on and yada yada. I had told her that I wanted her to clear this whole thing up w/ him and she was 'yes, yes, but I never heard anyhting about it again. She never emailed me to tell me what happened. I didnt email her either. So screw all of them She kinda let the situation unravel. What a bitch. I think that I might want to tell her I how I think that shes a puking whore, and a fake ass bitch.

Well I gave my blog address to a friend thats going to start reading today. I kinda am ify on how I feel about it but its a little late now.
Ok well I think thats all for now. i might be posting EVEN MORE this week bc I am having to get up at the crack of dawn.

Stormy day & yammers

They are even evacuating as close as Cancun Mx bc of the weather. Crazy.

Ironic I was thinking of getting my car washed.

I was driving home today when the storm got bad. I was trying really hard to keep my car on the road at the time. Garbage and debris was flying all around and something kinda big even smacked my windshield.

Crazy how everytime it gets stormy I am having a rough time.

I think I have said this before on this but when was little I used to think that I could control the wind. My father wanted to name me April Wind (lastname) so I could be 'free as the wind'. But my mother thought it was too hippy. They had a drawing for my name and out came Rachael. So Mom met my Dad in the middle and converted Wind to Wynne -pronounced 'Win'. Its kinda like Lynne but with W. Since I knew this back ground on my name, I thought I had magic powers to control the wind. Smart kid eh? I was like 5. hmm so I still think about that when it gets stromy. kinda random.

Anyways, I am doped up right now. I love Mazzy Star. I wish I knew more about them a while back. I added it to my music link. I feel like having a drink and dancing around to it... Doesn't everyone do that sometimes?

I've always wanted to got to an old blue grass bar and get tanked and dance around there. i think it would be fun....

hmmm so....

I think that I am going to buy some canvas and start to paint. Or maybe I will finish the one on my wall. hmm I don't know. But I feel very peaceful right now...

anyways, I have to go and return a call and I gotta get up early tomorrow for the first time in forever.

I don't think there will be any dancing around tonight.

And I don't think there is anything wrong w/ smoking weed. Everything I do is in moderation and for recreation. I have no problem. Plus it helps me think sometimes.

Someone told me my right boob called them, and they asked how thet were doing. how funny.

Oh I need to get a phone activated this week, maybe tomorrow.

ok bye

this might sounds self absorbed

But I was looking at myself in the foldy mirrors and I really am a cute girl.
The halloween pick is not the best but it works till i get something else up.

But I have cute little lips, and a cute nose, with 'i see right through you' green eyes complimented w/ nice eye brows. Also I have long pretty hair thats straight and a small curvy body w/ big titties.

I'll be OK. I just need to remember this.

hmmm dont have one

Well today I am ok. I am going to a bbq and then maybe to a show.

I am into Mazzy Star. I just ripped the CD.

Well I dont have much to say. The weekend is almost over and I have to work full time this week. More money, less sleep time.

Besides that jsut rolling with the punches.

Hard times

Well I have a blog that is specifically for things that are going to be a bothersome for me to go back and read. I like this blog enough that I would like to keep it untainted by my more sad, down entries. I dont know how long I will post in it, if it will stick around or what. I may take it down when I no longer am sad about things that are going on. It's more for myself but I have it open for whoever would like to read it.

Today has been a rough day. But I am feeling more optimistic over all. Jeff gives the best talks. I think thats why we will always be great friends. Today I called him bc we hadnt talked in a bit and when he called me back and asked what was going on the water works started all over again. It's hard to talk about what has happened with out getting upset. But when rational Rachael popps back in everything seems like it will work out.

I dont know where Blake will sit in my life from this time foward. I had hoped that he would always be in it bc I loved him so much. But it looks like there is not place for each other in both of our lives. Perhaps there is a more perfect girl out there waiting for him. Or maybe there is not. Either way I dont want to EVER know about any other girls in his life. I would go nuts and thats not fair to think about it. I think he was my first real love and he has chosen to go on his own way. Perhaps there are more people that I am to meet. However I will not lie, I feel as though I am ripped open & will now be jaded. I have really loved and lost and I think that has some type of wear and tear on your own being.

But I need to focus on myself now. I think that I am going to continue not talking to megan for this reason. I dont want to know about Blake. She caused me some issues. Had she not been so two faced perhaps this whole thing wouldnt have dominoed onto us. But then again if we were not strong enough to get through it then there were some other problems. But we were all in love bf all this. I dont know. I need to focus on school and work and making -->me<-- happy. I think that I wont take a math course this semester. I am a math retard and I will need help with that one. I keep on thinking that in as little as a year and half I could be working as a nurse making way better money. Its just getting though these times to get there.

I am a good person and deserve good things to happen to me. I really do. I have lost these past few weeks that it can only get better. I cant see it getting worse.

This has been my life:
Got sick
Lost job
Found Job
Job didnt work out
Decided to back to school
Found new job
Lost some friends
Family issues
Lost blake

Every set back has been followed by a new gain. So if I keep on doing what I should be then I will be fine. I wont feel so devasted forever. Just a small while until I get things back in working order. Perhaps all these things that I see as a loss are actually a gain in hiding. I will see what the future holds as soon as I get there.

I remeber the last time this happened. I thought my life was falling apart. I lost my job, Cary and I split up, I stopped hanging out with the people we were friends with and I thought that my life was over. Little did I know months later I would meet make new friends, meet blake, get comfortable in a job, buy a new car, rekindle a friendship, & fall in love. This will happen again.

Cary and I were done months bf we threw in the last towl. We were done 3mos into it. For some reason we didnt let it go. So it wasnt such a shock as this but we were done. Now I see Cary and I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I was sooo cute with a littler body, cute face, nice tits, and a fun personality. I could have had anything and anyone. But thats ok. I was into dumb ass. Thats the way it was meant to happen. After getting fucked around I moved on in an unofficial way and started over. And then the last fight happened and I was ok.

Sometimes I wonder if I gave to much of myself to my relationship. Maybe I should have put my foot down on things and had more Rachael time & did more things for me. I dont know. I was in love. But I know that I am a patient, good person, who gave a lot of myself to that other person. That wasnt bad. Thats what I was meant to do. I have a new path now. So I gotta get going on it.

Also I have been trying hard to stay away from drama. I think I've done well. Besides the obvious. Its hard not to get emotional though. I'm extra sensetive bc I am a little off balance but since things in that area are getting better I have a firmer grip on what I am being sensetive about and whats really upsetting. I admit that I was extra sensetive and maybe that turned him away but that was me going through hard times. I cant say anything besides that and I am sorry. But I dont have a good control of it and its hard.

So perhaps there is a new life just waiting to be found bc thats the only thing that could happen at this point. I am not going down with this. I am good person, a good girlfriend, a good friend, and a smart & giving girl. I have a lot of great things that I should not let these people have the best of me. I can only be who I am and rise above all this. And I am good at it.

Girl stuff

So today started off OK. I went to work and everything seemed fine.
Since I have been sick I have not cycled normally in a few months. When the severe pains that were kinda like cramps but worse that started on wed I had no idea what was wrong with me and was almost ready to take myself to hospital. But they didnt worsen and went away.

Then I got these horrible pains again today. One of my big bosses is a nurse and I explained to her my history. She explained to me that with my illness and my lack of girl cycling that I probably have clots. Not uncommon. But very painful. She said they were probably sitting on top of my cervix. Since they werent passing they started to cause an irratation after time, which may have caused me to start to dialate. Like when woman start to go into labor. So thats supposedly why I was in so much pain. I'm sure it didnt to the full 10centimeters, but probably just enough so that it could pass through. I never doubted labor was painful but now I have a little example as to how bad it probably feels. My god I never want kids, OR give me drugs!

It was so bad that I left work early and came home. Even driving was hard and I started to cry in the car. I was a speed demon and pushed my luck. I was not involved in the two accidents that happened right in front of me thankfully.

When I got home, I tried to lay down but couldnt so I made a bath as hot as I could stand it and got in and soaked myself. I was still in pain, but I had taken some aspirin and it started to fade. I laid myself out on the couch and let it run its course. Afterwards I went to Yasmins just a bit to say hi.

But even though this sounds bad it's actually a good thing. The bleeding was my body's way of cleaning itself. It may even give my cycle the kick in the ass it needed. So my womanly parts might start to operate on their own. This is very cool. It may not start a cycle, I think it's not bc the bleeding seemed to have stopped. But I'll be on one bc of a different type of treatment I might start in Auguest.

After I came home from Yasmins I laid down some more and passed out. Now at waking up at 9:20 I think that I am home bound. There's always tomorrow.

OK no more sleep for me :(

I am trying to put my blog back up. I started to take it down and then I was like screw that. This is mine!

So I am slowly but surely putting back all my old posts. Its kinda funny. I wont post everything I write, I'll save it as a draft and then when I go through my cycles of taking this down and putting it back up. Well when I am going back and adding my posts & I'll read something that I didnt want to post a while ago for whatever reason and then i'll be all 'fuck it, why not?'

ha ha. ah. I thought its was kinda weird funny!

Anyways,
Yazi came back early. Hung out with her all night. We went to the Grocery Store at like 230am and went shopping. Are we dorks or weirdos? It was creepy. I wouldnt recommend shopping at night. But overal it was a good times.

I figured since I blab so much about B I should give an update. But I dont have much of one. I guess you can take that for whatever its worth. I still love him but I don't know what else to say. Yasmin asked what was going on and I didn't really have an answer prepared. So I just said we are not on good terms. So where ever that leads I really have no I idea. Love is never a guarantee. I kinda thought that my love was , but its not. That just makes the pain worth the pleasure. To feel close to someone. It doesn't seem like I have a bf right now but I know I am not free to go do whatever. Or at least at this point I'm not. I wouldn't anyways.

Everyone wants to give their opinion. I don't like hearing other peoples opinion that he's cheating on me, just dump him, he shouldn't do that, or he just doesn't have the balls to dump you and yada yada. I don't like your opinions. I have my own that I am trying to manage and I don't need someone telling me bad shit. I know how my shit stinks, you aint got to tell me. I know but thanks.
I know everyone tries to help but no don't help. I'm a big girl and can get it done. I know better than anyone how bad its stinks. No need to remind. I don't say things to persway people that what I think is right. I always try to give humble advise when I do. I know what its like so I am not going to return the ugly favor. I try anyways. And don't pretend your shit is perfect bc we all know its not. Everyone has 'issues' so don't think you are all that and then some, bc I will be the first to wave around the big bull shit flag. I'm not perfect and neither are you so sit down and shut up. Everything will come together.

I kinda have this thing in my head. Some girls when they dump or get dumped will run out and hook up w/ someone they have been keeping tabs on or will just live single bc its easier than sitting at home and crying. I've done it. It doesn't work so well. You think it doesn't. But even after you 'break up' with someone I would still wait at least a few weeks to start 'chilling' w/ someone else unless the cirmumstances were like one cheated on the other or whatever. But if its a break up w/ a lot of uncertainty or emotion then I would wait to be doing your mating dance. Out of respect for that other person that you were just with and yourself too. There is plenty of time to get you groove back so no need to run out and try find it bc you will probably find regret and drunk phone calls at 12am to your ex. No need to do that. Feel what you just lost and feel out what you gained. And then try and move on.

I would be stupid to think that if B and I unfortunatly 'officially' broke up today there would be no way in hell I would be trying to get some nookie from somewhere else anytime soon. I might give out my number to some cool people but I wouldn't be so quick to get a homerun. There are plenty of time for that.
Plus if you did get back together would you want to tell your love that you fucked someone else w/I a few weeks of being free to do so?
B and I broke up for a month over 6-7mos ago and he admitted to doinking someone else. And that hurt that he ran out and did that. Bad. Makes you question your entire everything. I didn't let him know that sank my ship, but it did. But we got through it. I screwed around but nothing big. And I felt bad about that so what if I screwed that guy? How would I have felt? Not good.

Anyways gotta get in the shower to go to work. I hope I can make it through the day on my lack of sleep.

ugh 5 hours of sleep!

Why am I awake?

I didnt got to bed till 4 am!

yasmin & VIVA LAS VEGAS

yazi came home tonight. surprise surprise! i am so happy. i got a call at 6 from strange # and it was her! i was so happy, i started to drive to her house bf i was even off the phone w/ her (she lives literally 4 streets down the road). she had to go have din din real quick but we are going to meet up after she gets back. i emailed my grammy to set up hair appiontments for us in the morning sometime soon. She owns a salone here in phx. oh gosh i cant tell you how happy i am to have my yazi back. i knew today was good for something! i havent woken up in a good mood for just nothing lately.

yazi seems like she is a changed person. not quite so snotty. australia is more hippy and laid back. based on what she was talking about it sounds like she was hanging out with a group of people that she wouldnt normally hang with. i dont want to call them ravers bc she says they are nothing like that but some take x and go to see djs. maybe club kids? but not how we think of club kids w/ glow stick and shit. different country different fads w/ different standards. but anyways its cool to see my close friend more open in that way. its not like she is a different person, but just small changes here and there.

Dubliner nights here we come! i told her i was ready when she was!

anyways i am still in a great mood and i think i might go to vegas w/ my boss. we kicked around the idea today, & looked at prices. nothing in stone. depends on when she goes and how much. i would probably take it out of my school money. i've never been and i would like to very much. i havent had a vaca forever and i deserve one! ok well i did go to cali for a quickie a while back, but that doesnt count. anyways i want the real deal. i want to drink and get shitty and have a good time. my life is starting to come back together. god i am happy. thanks to you!

take care everyone!

Sarah w/ a H

My old friend Sarah randomly sent me an email telling me she missed me. Says she's cleaned up her act and she's down for some good girl party times.
Sarah and I go back. Way back when I was a little baby. Not even legal. Underage.
Anyways me and sarah got into some trouble together. Good trouble and bad trouble. I didnt mean to but introduced Sarah to her demise. But she is better now. Or so she says. So we will have to see how she is doing.

Seems like some boys are being bad...

I like bad boys.

Peace?

So anyways, I was just reading some gals blog http://nancyk.blogspot.com/ and about a bachelrette party she attended. She included some info on vibing panties. I would have to agree with her that would be cool excpet I would only hope to be in a very loud place if someone were to turn it on. I wonder if I could keep a straight face. Probably not but I'm sure it would be funny to watch and see how long I could hold out bf my eyes rolled back. ha.

well hmm I wish I had more to say....

I want to go shopping. I love target. they have cute camis there. And they are cheap! Thats always good for me. But Katie is going to show me her ebaying. I buy perfume and random crap off of ebay that I dont need. I bought stuff for B off ebay and one of things turned out to be gay. I know he thinks its gay too but I dont think hed admit it. It was suppose to be this really cool Elvis pocket watch thing and when it came it turned out to be fake plastic. it was going to be the coolest thing, and its was really really small. the small part was probably my fault it did say the size in inches, and it could of said its a fake all over it too intead of it being a collectors MUST!
I got him a Elvis doll too and that wasnt cool either. Hes not like a barbie that you can move around, he has his leg on a chair holding his guitar. But he said he really liked it. So you gotta be careful. Everything is not what it seems.

I guess i didnt really need to waste my time about my experience with ebay. I doubt anyone cares.

So bigger & better subjects.
hmm I have none. Maybe in a bit.

So happpyy!

I am in a great mood today. At first I woke up and I felt kinda bad, but then I snapped out of it and now I am in a great mood.
I started off my day by watching an AE bio on Charles Manson and his gang of women. Very interesting.
I'm not quite sure why people are so facsinated by him, he seemed like a weirdo to me!
Anyways.
Yasmin (www.Yasminsplace.com) gets home tomorrow. I am so EXCITED. I think that might be exactly what I need....to party. I hope shes ready bc I am. I havent had a drink in weeks!

Besides that I got some work to do now. So perhaps I'll write more later.

Yummy

Katie just left for lunch a bit ago and shes bringing me back the Greek salad from Nothing But Noodles. Its so good. It has feta cheese, olives, all the good stuff on top of a salad/pasta mix. I never thought it would be as good as it really is. You gotta check it out.
Kaite = My Boss (shes awesome)
I'll have to get her back tomorrow.

I just talked to B and I feel mucho better. What a small but good conversation will do. Kinda places everything back into its place in my head. Or i could be totally wrong. But whatever. If thats the case than I am better than ever to take it. my best friend is back in just a few days and we work very well together. Especially when we are both single. Which she is for the 1st time in 3 yrs. We have rocked the house. Hard to imagine but we can be bad little girls.OK I should say 3 years ago we knew how to party. We may have lost some of our mojo but i'm sure with a few drinks we'll be fine to get our groove back. I dont really want my groove back I would prefer that things just work out with B and I'll be more than thankful. There is always a but. But if things dont than I hope to god yazi doesnt move to flag and stays here in phx w/ me. I love yasmin, We have gone through hell and back and we are still so close. that has to be something. she is me in a weird twisted backwards inside out way. No one can probably see it but as long as i can thats all that matters. And I see it and we can read each other just fine,

Memories & Predictive Index

OK I am a blogger nerd.

Oh chances are that my theory is coming to life. I knew they would get back together. Just wait and watch, something interesting will come about.

But what I was actually going to post about it is memories. I've been doing way to much thinking. IE why I am probably writing so much. Reflecting on a lot of different things.

The other night I was hanging out with my sister and I made the comment that as much as C and I put each other through, I had a hard time remembering him, the reasons why I liked him, our fights, events, etc. Then I let my my mind wander over the friends I shared with him and the experiences that he wasn't apart of and everything is kinda out of reach for my memory.

My sister replied "welcome to getting old".

It kinda struck me. In just a few years my life now is going to be some type of blur. The people I now know and maybe even B are just poof gone. Of course I don't want that. I love B but it could happen. I could be just a memory to him. He could be just a memory to me. Taking different paths through life. And this hard time will be a hardly noticeable bump in the great road of my life. That is so sad to me in some ways. This moment feels more real than any other moment that has passed bc its right now and its not all blurred into nothingness and history.

I like to read what I wrote last year. I like to read things I wrote when I was mad people or myself. Or even my crazy ideas. Its great to see at that moment how I was thinking and what the outcome really was. How I was right, how I was wrong and how everything else played into the situation.

But most likely I wont remember much. And I thought I had a great memory. But nope. This moment right now will be like any moment spent typing away at my computer and there's nothing else to it. Maybe I am stoned. I probably am but to think how important everything feels right now is going only going to be text on my blog buried in the archives. But I guess at least I have it somewhere if not in my head.

~~~~~~

I took a personality test at work bc one of our tenants are from Predictive Index. Its a survey that analyzes your personality. Its suppose to be very accurate and a psych Dr came up with in 1955. Mine was on the money. Just a few things off.
-Independent, individualist, strong minded, & determined
-Venturesome, stick my neck out for my beliefs,
-problem solving & ventures are stimulating
-lots of confidence in my knowledge& ability
-active & inquiring mind, drive hard to get things done my way w/ quickness.
-self starter, initiates, makes decisions and assumes responsibility, stongly competive to achieve goals.
-Impatient
-W/ expressing myself I am direct, factual, outspoken, & frank
-My approach is authoritative, telling, & wanting timely results.
-I deal with ambiguous situations briskly and firmly
-I don't manage details as much as the big picture
-Fast learner!
-need independence to achieve max action
-variety & challenge in my work environment that also support new ideas
-open to opportunities for advancement to higher positions of decision-making responsibility
-not good with repetition & details -will become less accurate if made to handle

It also goes onto explain that right now I am trying to work the opposite role of my characteristics. Thus I am not my own boss or managing a territory any more, I am someone else's bitch and furthermore I am now a few peoples student.
I am also overly aware of myself and my surroundings.
I am also: intellectual, thoughtful, intense, informal, enjoys pressure, risk taker, strategic, quick to connect w/people, reads people, intiutitive, optimistic, enthusiastic, persuasive, informal, poised, good mixer, flexible, & casual.
Thats mostly me.
I like to have fun too.
OK nighty night

Just one more bf I leave

I have one more thing to write about.

For some reason I am a very loyal person. especially to family, friends, boyfriends and all. If you are in my heart than thats where you stay through thick and thin. You'd really have to do me wrong to cast you out.

I have always thought this was a great characteristic to have. But I am starting to think twice about this. I think this might cause me more grief than if i were one of those people that could chop a person or situation up to nothing. i call it being disposable. Not very many people that are close to me are disposable. If you are near me chances are i love you and i want you near me. Perhaps my die hard attitude is not good for me though. But then another side of me makes me think thats what makes me stronger and better than anyone. Being the one to carry another and to be the one that holds on when no one else could. I dont know. Just thoughts.

Which brings me to another thought
Everyone that i know wants to be a part of this 'in' crowd. I guess its human nature to want to fit in. I dont get it, I've always marched to my own drum. For instance I dont think B realizes how in a lot of ways he had a strong lead with his friends. I saw it. other people saw it. A lot of the group looked up to him. And even when he was at odds w/ other members of the group he was even more respected bc he had his own opinions and didnt follow the hurd.

I realized after I stepped away from my own very small click that I too had a stong lead. And now that I am gone the people i left behind have started to cling to each other. from what i understand is that they hang out way more than before. I gather my info tactfully. And i dotn hate either of them. Its there own lack of smarts that brought the situation to this point and perhaps they will learn from it. and maybe somewhere down the line everyone will have respect.

All i want is peace.

....in the middle east, too :)

Lessons Learned

With every down fall and every gain there is a lesson.

Friends;
I thought I had some words of wisdom for this categpry. But I dont. People have hang ups? People are flawed? Umm no one is perfect? People are normally followers?
I dont think i did much wrong (i'm not perfect either though) and perhaps even though I am so hurt by all this there will soon be some good in what has happened in my life. I dont think i deserved what my 'good' friends did and how they behaved to turn me off so much but maybe i deserved better friends and perhaps maybe some new ones will come about.

Boyfriends:
I suppose the big lesson here for me is that just bc you & whoever claim to be in love doesnt mean that things are going to work out and that you will love each other and live happily ever after. And just bc you say you love them doesnt mean that will fix the problems. Or their problems. Or your problems.
Not that I thought that it would make everything peachy, but I did think it (love) meant something & that if I as the other half of the cake would be willing to put aside my own problems and do anything/something to put us back together that we could make it... come to find out thats not good enough sometimes.
That doesnt leave me with very many more options.
So I guess you gotta keep on trucken and trying to make the best of things.

Siblings:
You cant live with em, could probably live w/o em.
:) j/k

Parents:
Nothen better than Momma's love

7/12/05 some positive thoughts

THE GOOD NEWS
My friend Yasmin (yasminsplace.com) is coming home on Friday
My Dad has invited me to join a soft ball league.
School is slowly falling together.

My friend Yasmin is coming home from studying abroad in Australia. I am very excited to see her and to have a friend around. I have been very lonesome.

My Dad got a call from my old Coach Phil. He is starting a slow pitch soft ball league. My Dad just had to point out that Coach Phils daughters have scholarships bc of SB and are playing at SCC. It was my Dads dream for me to play and get scholarships and do the whole competitive deal. I vouched to be a teenager instead. I wonder what I would be like if I had stuck to it. I know I would woop ass but I wonder how my life would be different. So that may be fri or thur nights. I said it sounded fun and that I would think about it. I might do it and I guess my Dad has had my glove this entire time. I thought I lost it. I loved my glove. I still have the bat from my first homerun. Anyways I thought I would share some good stuff even though I feel like shit,

7/12/05 Unloading

I've been up since 7am. That's early by my standards. I usually don't get up till 9 or 10. You are probably jealous. It wont always be that nice though! School is coming up real quick.

~~~~~~~

ok I am going to stop with the happy act. Today was an odd one. I met my dad at the tire place and we finally got my tires replaced. I paid for half and he paid for half. The bill was $381.50. I got my alignment done for free though. That has been my luck last few times I've had anything done to my car, they knocked the price down or it was free. So far I've gotten a free oil change and car wash and know the alignment fixed for nothing. I guess having boobs does come in handy.

So new tires for me is like new shoes for a little kid. Have you ever heard a little kid boasting about his new shoes and how they make him run faster? Well that's me w/ new tires. I think I feel this big difference in the way my car drives. I don't know if there really is though. But I drive like an asshole for the first few days.

~~~~~~

Well I went to walgreens and bought a pregnancy test. I was almost 100% positive that I was not preggy. But since I have not had my period in a few mos I figured I'd get it checked out again anyway. Ya never know. But it came out neg like I thought it would and it just confirmed that I am and have been sick again.

I have mentioned it before that I have a girl disease called PCOS or PCOD. Its an ovary problem where they (my ovaries) don't want to ovulate bc of a hormone imbalance. No ovulation: no babies, no period, & no level hormones. Its also probably why I cant lose much weight right now but that's ok I am not huge or gross, just a size 9-11 that I am not used to being. I am told I hold my extra weight well though. tg. This also means that I am not the most fertile girl around and that I will probably have to go on fertility treatments if I ever wanted my own childrens. So sad. When my insurance kicks in I'll probably go on hormone treatments. That's kinda scary to me.

I don't know if I want kids. So its not a HUGE thing, but it does bother me that I cant fulfill the womanly duties had I wanted to. I also wonder if I will ever be in a situation that the man I love wants babies and I couldn't so easily provide. Would it cause problems? I've told myself any man worth having babies with will love me no matter what. But I still wonder. I wonder if B ever thinks about it. He told me once that he's more open to thought of babies/kids with me than anyone before. I've never asked him and he's never really tried to have much of a conversation with me about it, I know he knows it exists.

The one thing that is interesting is when you tell another woman about it. Especially one that has had kids. The look on their face when you tell them you don't believe you could have kids w/o help. They get all wide eyed and I think for one time they are thankful to have the ability bc it is so often taken for granted and advantage of. I don't usually rack my brain about it. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it except see what the Dr says in august.

My disease could also be why I am so sensitive right now and why I feel so angry/sad inside. I don't like very many people right now so it makes me very upset a lot of the time. I feel very much alone almost like I have been abandoned on some alien world where everything is fucked up. I know that I walked away from some and then some have walked away from me as well.

~~~~~~

Sometimes it seems that life makes the situations we get it a lesson that we have to face alone. I seem to get a lot of those. Which is weird bc really I am not a overly social person. I am more closed off. I don't let many people inside the real me. When I do let someone in and they screw around with me its like the worst feeling ever. Like I've just been ripped open and left to die. Its so horrible. If you aren't close to me than you can go fuck yourself and I couldn't give a shit.

I seem to have this thing that I will put up with something for just so long bf I am just like FUCK YOU I don't need this. But unlike most people that just take off I stick around to 'be friends' which maybe I shouldn't but I don't think I realize it at first. My experience is that when someone pushes you past that point they don't get why you care less and so they push you harder until they get a reaction out of you.

Here's another thing. I don't think that people that have 'history' can be friends. I've tried to be friends with people I have been involved with and it doesn't happen. I'm such a deep person that after I have established this closer bond with someone I want to maintain a friendship bc of the history of being so close to that person. EHH. That's where it goes wrong. Bc you never fully let go of what you had. You knew that person like you knew the back of your hand and now you are suppose to be casual with them? Act like you don't wonder if the new person they are with are better than you, or if they still were the underwear you bought them last x-mas. I could go on and on. Its like friendships. Say you had this great friendship that after some time you split. You run into this person and bam you can fall right back into how you were at the same comfort level. That can happen to exes. That's why exes should stay away, keep emails and conversations to a min bc its not fair to the new person in your life to try and compete or even build a stronger union when you are still visiting with a union that has past. Does that makes sense? The reason you broke up is probably part of the same reason why you cant be friends.
example I know Brian and I could potentially fall back into the same scenarios that we had over a year ago and the fighting would come just as quick. I'll always have that comfort level with Brian bc he really new me or at least the parts he brought out in me and that will never go away. Or maybe a large amount of time will make it but it would have to be years & years.

Well I have written a bunch today. I feel very cold, sad, mad and a lot of different emotions today like yesterday. Kinda just want to go be alone somewhere. I would enjoy being dropped on a deserted island to just be left alone and out of touch. I feel out of touch so I think being out of touch might smooth the bumps in the road. I don't know how that makes sense but it does to me. I guess when you feel alone bc no one gets what you are feeling or just doesn't care enough to make an effort to smooth over the bad times than you want to just curl up in a ball and not be bothered. Eventually I'll be cried out and looking for new ways to improve.I don't know. But I gots to go.

Family fight and going away

Ms Lonely
Have you heard that Akon song?
Well I'm Ms Lonely. Nice to meet you.

SO...
OK well tonight was a bad one. I got into a fight w/ my family. My sister who I have been getting along with really well tried to do a power trip on me. I was in a small spat between and myself & my younger brother. I have a loud mouth so I actually had both of my siblings yelling at me and I was not taking it lightly. I was telling my sister to go stick her nose in her own business and to keep out of mine and I mimicking what she was saying and man I was really ticked. And then my Mom comes out and just then I yell 'I don't care if you all hate me!' and everyone dispersed cause Momma bear was there. I really don't care if they did all hate me, I am so angry right now I don't care. I'm sure I will tomorrow or a feel days but I am sick og them right now.
~~~

So I've been thinking. If I don't get all the paper work down w/ school I think I might go work full time again and save to go and study abroad or do volunteer work. I've always wanted too & my life had always been in my way. The first time my car got stolen, 2nd time B didn't want me to and I didn't want to leave what I had here.

Now I am not as happy as I could be. I have fewer friends, a boyfriend that is unavailable & not heavily in the picture. Will he be again? I've been hoping but you never know. Time will tell all. And finally my family and I aren't getting along. Today was bad but I don't think I could be happy. I def don't think I could go to school and live here. It would be a stress. I would have so much to do before I could really leave. It would take a bit to even get out of here.

I guess what sparked the thought about volunteering again was the elephant program I watched tonight. The one about how they were they striking back, well anyways I've always liked elephants bc they are so smart & social. And I have always wanted to live near wild animals and do research and be able to interact with them on some level. Alternative to that would be to rehabilitate them or provide a communion or retirement center for abused wild animals that cant go back into the wild can come live. Or all of the above.

That's my dream. The field is competitive. And it would require me to go to school but its such a far out of reach I never really considered doing it bc it wasn't practical. What's pratical is going to nursing school and make good/above average income and live happily ever after. Or get a business degree, or something, anything that is structured, the failure rate is low, and income is good.

That's life and how's its broke down to me. Is that happiness? I don't know. I think I could make myself happy on some level anywhere as far as college level jobs given the atmosphere. But whatever these are rambles bc I am upset. But seriously I will not allow myself to spend my entire life in AZ. There is more out there to explore. I would like to live in the south somewhere at least a short time just to see what its like.

I'm better

I feel better. A good nights sleep was all I needed.
Although I have been doing some good ole thinking and I think that I have done the best thing for myself. I have stepped away and I am no longer in the drama. Well I am but I have distanced myself from it.
My one friend J doesnt have my number and I now know that she knows that she cant contact me. I wonder how she feels at this point that she cant just pick up the phone and just call and I wonder if she feels bad about it. I hope to god she doesnt show up bc that would be bad. I dont want to talk to her. I could have someone else answer and tell her I am out or I could give her a piece of my mind. I guess I'll cross this bridge when if/when I need to.

As far as the other DQ, well it seems she may be getting back w/ the person that sold her out. We'll see what happens next.

I am starting to get lonely. I am glad that my good friend Yasmin (Yasminsplace.com) is coming home. But she seems to have a new best friend. A girl she met when she was studying abroad and happens to live here in Az. But I'm sure we will be just fine. I couldnt be replaced that easily. Her and I have gone through to much to let anyone get between us or make us grow apart.

In some ways I am glad that I got to spend this time alone and in other ways its been hard. It's allowed me to reflect on the past few mos and the past few weeks. I will get through this one way or another. I just hope good times start to roll in soon.

I have to get my Fafsa corrected. I may not make it to school afterall. I am worried.

But with that I dont have much else to say.

I love my job

And for an example this is why.

Today I get in and the few people that are here are not here. So I take a seat and then everyone piles back in. Pete one of my bosses tells me Katie my direct supervisor made speghetti for everyone in the kitchen. So then a couple min later Katie comes in and tells me to go grab some 'sgetti'. I do and its awesome, better than anyones 'sgetti' I've ever had. Along with the 'sgetti' are thick homemade chocolate chunk cookies. And there is milk in the fridge. It was perfect.And this isnt a one time thing. She does it frequently.

This place is a rather small campus but it has everything from a gym to a big FULL size kitchen that is stocked. And there is a small fish pond and thats my favorite bc I've always wanted a pond and now I kinda have one.
Katie my direct sup is awesome. She's from SC so shes a southern girl. 37 but you's never guess that she was. She looks 27-29. And she's looks great.
Some days I can be busy on little projects but most days I sit here doing little things like this and reading stuff online. The only thing I have to do is checks and that can take hour-hour and half. Oh and I feed the fish if Katie hasnt already.
:)

One more awesome bonus. Katie said I could do HW stuff at my desk. Now it wouldnt be right to have all my text books and papers all over the place but I will have the chance to read and do small assignments and maybe even write paper on the compu while I am here.

terrorists

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8492258/

My british name is Charlotte Wilkinson

Whats your's?
http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/10/

7/6/05 I pretty much hate everyone

At least at this point in my life.
So I shut off my cell phone before I got stuck in another 2yr agreement for buying a new one. I'm just going to send the damn thing back and I told them I would call them if I changed my mind. I have certain amount of time if i choose to go back I can have my same number.

Here's the story.
I had a Verizon phone (the best company ever as far as quality cell service, never dropped a call) but i dropped it & it broke, and my contract was up. So I signed w/ Alltel and got an above average phone for a good price. Well I went with Alltel bc B was on Alltel and one of my old friends had Alltel. Mobile to Mobile minutes baby! And it was actually saving me a bit of cash w some extra features. Well B and I are no bueno and my old friend is now an 'old' friend. She messed up a little bit. So now the mobile to mobile min dont apply and really till I figure out my school money I dont really need anymore extra expenses. I could do it, but why? Thats extra money for something else. And a 2 year contract! So I chucked it. I needed to change my number anyway. i'll just be phoneless for a month. I really could care less at this point. I am so exhausted of dealing with other peoples crap. I'm honestly so emotionaly drained I dont think I could cry another tear.
So fuck em right?
I'm sure I'll get another phone and we'll see where my life is at that point. Right now I know that i will be OK no matter what happens.

Random thoughts on relationships

(more to be added later)

Lets all admit everyone wants to love and be loved. Its only our nature. However, the formula for that lasting love is losing its potency. I feel bad for the people that are getting married. We all know the statics. We all know more than half of marriages are going to end in divorce. How funny or horrible would our vows be if we cushioned this new stastic? 'I promise to love you as much as I can, however I can not make a promise on behalf of my future self so I promise that as of right now I love you with all of my heart and will try to love you just as mush if not more from this day foward till death to us part.'

Oh god. What do you say to each other? 'Honey we know that staticly we are fucked but we truly love each other so lets try this out! So what if it ruins us in more ways than we nkowq?

I'm sorry. I'm a product of a divorced family. maybe thats why I am so cynical but I cant help but think that way and even all those sweet nothings that you shared w/ that special person could be horse shit.But i would hope that they arent and want to believe otherwise.

i'm sorry its random

Reasons Why I Rock

Just a few reasons listed that make me; ~me~ and why they are so cool

1.) I am an understanding person. Maybe sometimes overly understanding w/ people I love. Approach me as a human w/ faults and weaknesses and I will try my hardest to understand & be open minded.

2.) I have a decent sense of humor. I may not laugh at everything, but if I laugh at your joke it was damn good.

3.) Straight forward and overly direct. Ummm well I don't like being confused or being confusing. I prefer when people treat me the w/ the same.

4.) I have a big heart

5.) Underneath it all I am sensitive. I may not seem that way but when it comes to an opinions that matter I can be a softy.

6.) I have some rebel spirits in me. I have enough rebel in me that I wont always follow the majority, I have my own thoughts, and also I can have some fun too. But I am still responsible and try to be mindful of cultural difference's

7.) I can admit I was/am wrong. You have to prove it to me first though, otherwise I am just hard headed. :)

8.) I ask questions, I just have to be clear.

9.) I can be a good listener and a good talker.

10.) I am a loyal, sometimes overly loyal bc it causes me stress when other aren't as much as me.