Seeing Blake

So last night I saw Blake. In some ways it was magical and I got everything I had wished for. However I now look back and regret that my wish wasn't more precise.

I walked in his house and he looked beautiful. We gave each other long meaningful hugs. I heard some nice things that I wanted to hear. We embraced for a while and did all those little lovey type things that people do like smelling each other, rubbing faces, stroking, kisses on the side of the mouth and etc.

Ahh but then he pulled away.

And he wanted to know what I was thinking & how I felt abput everything. Sometimes in moments like those I would like to just go with the moment and then other times at least I know where we stand.

We talked, and we are not back together in the sense we have functioning healthy relationship.
We made some (I thought) progress and that was good, but we have not made full amends and I am not so sure that we will.

He said he still loves me, that we have a great connection that he hasn't had as strong ever before, that I am beautiful, we make the best love together (I'm better than anyone else he's ever had he's 33 and has some experience in that area), and that he wants me in his life in some way. And yet we are broken up.

However, from what I gathered from him is that it's hard for him to say that he is still in love with me but there were some contradictions (I personally think he still is bc of everything we have said and been through). I know Blake and we have gone through these bumps before. The only thing that I know about them is that Blake is a very sensitive person. And after being so overwhelmed he has to unhook, in which he is somewhat cold and tries to block out anything that could cause him to feel any real emotion.

Perhaps normal people go through this as well and don't even realize it bc they know how to manage it. But Blake doesn't, or he is one of a few that stress effects him and everyone around him extremely hard.

After our talk last night we went and just laid down and snuggled, and rolled around w/o doing much and then it lead into you know what....
We fell asleep all snuggled up and it was great to fall asleep to pleasant smell of Blake.

Last night and the better half of the morning was so great, close, and wonderful even though it wasn't under the greatest of circumstances. However later in the morning Blake got overwhelmed and started to have some anxiety. When that happens he is very hard to deal with. I tried to talk to him and he was kinda on the closed off but we did a little.

He said what happened between us wasn't what he had expected. But then I don't know what he was expecting since he wanted me to hang out and get a little intoxicated w/ him and also his roommate that never leaves the house was on his way out as I came in. So makes me wonder. But anyways, during our talk right bf I left I looked him straight in the eye & I swear I saw some emotion. He was even kinder and more gentler when I was leaving than he has been in the past when he was so ovewhelmed with anxiety.

As I was leaving & approaching the door I looked at him and said you/we have gone thru this in the past... and he responded but I cant remember exactly with what so therefore trying to guess would not do it justice. He but responded and I felt like there was a silent understanding that we've done it bf maybe we can again, we will see if that was in my head or it was really something I picked up on.

We might get together again to race go carts this weekend, but then we might not. We will see.

Parts of me would like to move on and start over. I pretty much have with every other aspect of my life. And I think most people would say that I should do. However this is choice that its mine and of course his. I don't know what the future holds for us. I really don't. However I think that if we were meant to be over than we wouldn't have all those feelings still and allow ourselves to be close like we were. But then again it could be something hard to let go so easily. There has to be something on either end to tango, that much I know.

He said that he has been thinking about me and missing me, he even said I've been in quite a few of his dreams. Why he told me I had been in his dreams I don't know bc when I asked what they were about he said he could really remember. I think he did, but he just didn't want to tell me what they were for whatever reason. And any guy that reads this is probably going to think that they were sex dreams. I think there was more to it than that bc I would think he would have just said so. Blake doesn't beat around the bush. But I didn't have them so I don't know for sure...

So I have learned this once, and maybe we will have refresher that getting back together can be harder than breaking up. I'm sure there are more lessons. However, what the final result will be is still unkown to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wonder if his issues will ever subside to the point that we can live and love stress free for longer periods than 6mos. He says he doesn't want the drama but from my perspective he's the one that causes it or doesn't deal with it in the best sort of ways. I know that I am not perfect and so I am to blame as well. I think that I have also grown so much from this last ordeal that I am better suited to deal.

In some ways I don't think Blake could find anyone quite like me. I am open enough to accept him the way he is and love him for it anyways. I know most other woman would run screaming in the other direction once they saw what it can be like. But I am so loyal and die hard if you will that I cant just say bye and turn away from a person I love so deeply.

Blakes lifestyle and his age don't really match. He does not act like a normal mature 33, going on 34 yr old man. I think he knows this, and he has found a nitch of guys that were all bachelors as well. But they are all now starting to settle down. He has one left that that hasn't. And what a surprise that's who he has been hanging out with.

This guy was also dating a younger girl and had been for some time. They are still together as far as I know and probably will be for a while more but cohabitating for them didn't work and whatever. She's cuter than he is and plus she has her age that he does not. Not to sound bad. But its the truth.

Mature age has appeal no doubt but most men generally like younger woman and a man that is loosing his youth is going to loose the ability to attract youth. Especially when he doesn't have much more to offer (not directing that towards anyone, just a general statement). Most woman wouldn't put up with their lifestyles. I think anyways. And then you zero down on the baggage, mental stability, financial stability, looks, and compatibility/connections -on both sides the fish pond shrinks quite a bit.

I think it goes both way, the men that are left are fucked up and the woman are left to weed through garbage to find a good man. The same with men, they have to weed through garbage to find a good girl. Weeding is for all age groups, but the ratio you find - bad vs good tips to the negative side the older you get.

But anyways I wonder if there is a single woman out there that is more perfect for Blake that will put up his shit, his partying, his room mate, his anxiety, his no mercy fighting style, and all the other quirks and flaws that make him who he is and still make out in one piece & heart intact. And there is no changing B. I would advise to not even try. But don't get me wrong, the good things about Blake are great and sky high, but the bad are a lot & hard to handle. He would need a very very strong woman that is very independent & that has a big heart all in one.

Not one woman that I have ever talked to would stick through what I have. I wish that somewhere there was a woman so devoted as myself so we could have comfort with eath other. But then again I am a loner and Blake (a loner as well) was the first person(on any level) that I have ever wanted to give my entire self to. (some might just read this scoff bc of my age, perhaps I shouldnt list it).

Maybe there is a more perfect girl out here in AZ somewhere and when Blake meets this perfect girl maybe he will want to change and stay that new person on his own. But for some reason seeing that he's been in so many serious relationships, loved and dated so much I doubt it he will change for anyone. His age alone would not allow much of it and the fact he is so head strong would make it nearly impossible in my opinion.

Me on the other hand: I know that I could move on if I wanted too. And like I said in some ways I do, bc being a loner comes natural to me when Blake is not in the picture, when he is I am more of a lover towards him. I know I am pretty enough, smart enough, kind/sharing enough that I could find love again. There's no doubt. But I don't like making mistakes and don't like having regrets. Today and yesterday when things that were said that normally would have made me feel emotional I was stayed numb and it passed through me w/o much reaction. And I don't want to turn away on something that I love so much and just might be strong enough to handle.

But we will see what happens.