Re: Re: Comments

I'm not throughly convinced that a friends is curb worthy just bc her EX boyfriend decided he didnt want to be with her and has decided to try and blow her out of the water. Beleive it or not people get mad and say shit to make the other people look bad. I know that she is not perfect. But its my choice on what I believe and what I dont. Its my choice how close I want to hold her as a f

Re: Comments

Oh by the way -about the comment about back stabbers and pity fucks that was someone that thinks I am getting walked on and taken advantage and my post As Always explains my perception the scenario. But I'll write again for more clarification.

Situations are not perfect. People are not perfect. I am not perfect.
However, I feel that my way of handling my dealings is just fine. Just bc I dont kick someone when they are down bc of 'he said she said' BS doesnt mean that I am a pussy or that I am lettingmyself be walked on. I am aware of what is happening/happened and I am silently waiting for more of the truth to come out. I do that in 'talks' and in random conversation and silently watching & collecting what I need to make my own judjement. In time everything will fit together.

I will never follow a group opinion just because its the majority opinion. Thats HS shit and I wont be bothered with it. I've been that person once that got turned on by a group of people that were 'friends'. People that didnt even know me or the situation tried to beat me down w/ this nonsense. And since then I will always do things MY way bc I know how it can be. If everyone else wants to handle something a certian way then that is fine. Thats you, but that is not me.

And last of all, if I am outcasted bc I have my own opinion well -I guess I'll just stop there and you can make up your own ending.

6/28/05 My Horoscope:

Whoa! What the heck was that? Did you just feel the earth move under your feet? Lately it feels like foundations that you take for granted no matter what are being awfully shifty and unreliable. It's important to remember that in this world, the only constant element is change. So while it feels like everything is in a state of upheaval, hold onto a sense of perspective and you'll be just fine

In some ways this is true; but mostly just about the changes. I dont think I have taken much for granted lately. But I do believe I'll be just fine.

Went out w/ my Mother and had din-din she loves her new job and they have great benefits and pension plans so she thinks she might stay on board.

She also told me when our health insurance kicks in I will be seeing a specialist bc the pill is not making me have a period. My Mom told me she thinks I seem to be retaining a lot of water weight bc of my hormone levels are off and that even my Grandma is worried about me. The pill fails everytime i get more stressed than normal. So I am going to go to a specialist in August and will probably have my hormone levels tested and then whatever hormone I am lacking will be given to me or maybe even a procedure. I am not sure. But even though I know my hormones are off; right now especially I dont feel that bad off. I have felt worse bc of this thing. WAY WORSE. I feel like myself for the most part. So thats with that. I dropped the ball and didnt take care of it the first time.

I gotta go to work today and it doesnt bother me one bit, I cant wait. Maybe I'll use the tread mill in the gym today.

6/27/05 As Always...

I have something to say.

Friends:

Sometimes I'd rather be alone then be surrounded by bull shit. I am OK with who I am. If someone isnt than grow some balls and take a hike. I dont need anything from anyone. Nothing. No one. In one year of school I will be a LPN making $25+ an hour. I could give a shit if I sat home alone everynight for that year & had no one bc I hate liars and back stabbers. I know no one is perfect. But before I am going to cast stones I am going to look at a situation from every angle. Time will eventually allow the missing puzzle pieces to find their place. And then any fakes will be disposed of. But I am also not one to kick another person when they are down, i'll just simply walk away. Till then I will keep doing whats best for me and thats to go to work and school and get my HW done so I dont have to worry about money or where I am at in life EVER EVER again. I am not going to be fazed by drama bc my real goal in life is to get through school and thats my focus. I am a good person and deserve to share my life and whatever else I have with other good people. I'm good at keeping people at arms distance so I am not so worried about losing anything of any value. There are very few people that I would ever show my full hand of cards. Very few. You never let anyone know how much you know. Maybe I havent learned much but I've learned that much so far. It's only me against the world and thats how I live. I take my loved ones in consideration dont get me wrong bc when you are in my heart you are IN THERE DEEP but I can only be me and only rely on myself bc no one is perfect not or you and if I relied on others I would just constantly be let down. I dont like that.

I was going to write more, but I just got invited out, so I am going to go get a little intoxicated.

Oh and by the way I LOVE my new job, My new boss isnt as young as I thought. Shes 37! And my gosh she is Fing hot -she looks 24. I swear, when she told me she had been married for 18 yrs my mouth dropped. We are already kinda good friends -swapping secrets & stuff. We are going to have happy hours and there is a gym on site that i can use for free and plus a HUGE kitchen that is stocked w/ food and my boss will just go in there make huge meals (that what she said anyway). We sat there for 2 hours just shooting the shit after she showed me a few things, and we work w/ a bunch of old rich guys that were trying to get us to go to the sand bar 4 happy hour in scottsdale, but she couldnt and i wasnt going w/o her so I opted out. But anyways I love it there already and I think that my life is really going in upward direction and I feel at peace w/ myself bc I think i am making the right choices. It feels so good. I cant describe it any other way. I am happy w/ myself right now.

6/26 It's been a bit

And I'm sorry for any emails I didnt reply to and for the lack of writing. Tuesday was my last day of my work w/ the mortgage co and I got the job that I wanted, so I went 3 days off before my I start my new job tomorrow. But I've been busy RELAXING. So I am going to go and RELAX some more.

6/20/05 It's Monday :(

Its flippen Monday.
But I had a relaxing weekend and spent some time with Blake. It was nice and I think I reallly needed it. I don't know whats wrong with me or what but I feel really cold inside. And I feel kinda isolated and alone. Half the time I have no desire to reach out and change that. Sometimes I do and sometimes I dont and its a bad feeling to have. I cant help it sometimes. Its not quite bitter but I think I am just been so stressed and I feel like I am on a impossible path completely alone and maybe its for me to complete totally alone I am not sure. but in some ways I wish someone would be there for me if I fall. I have no safe net. one slip up i could ruin everything and thats hard for me to do bc I am so cautious. I have screwed up enough times I dont want to screw up again.

So the weekend was good though. B also met my Dad yesterday and that was cool. My Dad has never liked any of the people I brought around and this time it went well. So that is good.

My mother and I were able to finish up the FASFA and we submitted it. So that is cool and we will see how much money I will get for school. I think i kind of decided to go to South Mountain but there are a few things I want to clear up with b still since its near his house and not my own. I guess I should handle that soon. But then again maybe i wont, I'll just wait and see how things work out.

I need to find and part time job quickly!

6/17/05 It's Friday!

And I am so happy that it is. I had a bit of a rough week but I want all to know that I am doing OK. I ranted a few times this week and have been a bit of stressed out. But it will get better and my mood is slowly moving upwards.

I still need to finish filling out my FASFA with my Momma and then I'll know what the deal is with that. I think that I will sell my car, pay off what I owe on it and then buy a little honda or something. I dont want to, but having a car payment and everyhting is expensive and only working part time will be hard. I am sad, I like my car.

I am learning that I do have some readers here. I didnt know. I thought I was writing to myself and mostly my friend Yasmin (yasminsplace.com), and sometimes B. But he tells me he doesnt read my blog anymore bc it 'causes him drama'. I dont know where he gets that but OK. Whatever, I cant change your mind. Which actaully it did cause us some drama bc if ever got into a fight I would rag about it here and then he would read it and oops we would be in bigger fight. Plus he thinks i make him out to worse than he is. But whatever.

Last night I had a good time with B. We smoked some pot and watched Napoleon Dynomite. I know its bad but sometimes I like to smoke pot. But I am far from a pot head. Its just fun. I am not a big drinker so its only fair. Oh and I like taking a pill from time to time.

But anyway its such a funny movie. My theory is that you have to watch it 2x at least to get it. The first time you watch it you are sitting there waiting desperatly for something to happen that will follow the typical movie story line. But it never happens and for the first round you are sitting there trying to analyze everything in your head and make sense of it, and of course laugh bc it really is funny.

So B ewas being so great last night. Maybe he missed me or something bc he kept on hugging me and giving me kisses all over cheeks. And for our 1 yr anniversary he got me a Tiff & Co bracelet and necklace set and the little spring that makes the braclet hold on broke and he seemed as upset as me and hes going to get it fixed this weekend. Maybe that needs to go to Tiffanys though or maybe not, i dont know. But he seemed just so lovey it was great bc I needed that bc ive been in my own little world
write more later

6/15/05 When it rains -it pours BAD NEWS

This morning I was calling around for tires and I am getting screwed on the costs. These people want me to shit out like $400-500 on tires. So I started to freak and called my Father for some advice. And got more BAD NEWS.
My step brothers Dad died on Monday. He was diagnosed w/ Luekemia 4 weeks ago and just died. I guess it pays to have a check up every 6/9mos. I have been bitter towards these people that moved in and took over my house so long ago. Most of my grudge has subsided over the years and it wasnt with them bc they were younger than me, it was with the adults. Now I have to say that eveything happens for a reason. Perhaps my Dad was to take over parenting for them bc they never had a good Dad and then later the one they did have left them in death. Its so weird bc I saw one my step brothers on saturday. Everything was fine then. You never know when life is going to happen. So stay close to the people you love. I wish i would have given him a hug or something.

So last night I went to a friends house and had a good time. However, my friends BF that she is totally in love with is going to stay a few mos in another far off state and get some things rolling for himself. How sad. I feel bad bc the last time i saw him we were all not getting along so well. I hope there are no grudges. I guess he is having a real hard time right now w/ life so he is going to get a few things straight and then come home. So that sucked to see a friend upset, I know how she must feel.

As far as my tires I love meg, she can sometimes hook me up. But not today. The only thing that they can find is $117. a tire ~thats with the discount and that moving to a bigger tire bc they cant get me into the same size that i have now. I am better off going to Big O. I will be broke. It wont be highest my account as been at. Worse time ever to be getting this stuff fixed.

So besides all this my day is OK. I have had better days but life is full of ups and downs and hopefully itll go back up.

6/14/05 I'm in a rough mood today but here its goes

And I have my reasons why. Then I get in here today and M tries to get all bossy with me. And I am sorry but sometimes I just dont give a shit who says what. I just dont. And today is just one of those days. I dont give a F. Someday that attitude might cause me to get an ass beating but oh well. everyone getes one at one point. Maybe I was hardened by blakes blah attitude this morning.
(I dont know. But I just figured or hoped that he would be as excited as I was to be together finally. But oh well. Theres nothing i can do but just be me. And him be him and when hes ready to be close to me he will reach out and till then oh well lone ranger.)

Then i stepped on my blow dryers plug in prongs and my god the worst pain ever. It broke the skin so now i have a band aid on the bottom of my foot.

Meg kinda wants to go out, but I am sure that I'll be tired by that time. But Jen just got in town.

I am going to firm up my interview process w/ this other company. They want to pay me well so its makes even better.

I am on my diet and all is going swell with that. so hopefully i can stick w/ it and make it happen. I would like to feel better about myself. I have 2 good friends & a mom that make me feel like a fat ass. I know that i am not skinny and I never will be a bean pole bc A.) my body is not built like that and B.) I cant starve myself for that long. I've tried. I would like to start walking at night. Maybe RJ and I will take walks eventually.

Who knows. but right now I just want to my mom to complete her end of the financial aid stuff and get it submitted so that we can get it going also so that I will see how much I will get and how much I will have to fork out or take out in a loan.
This is very exciting to me. Still havent decided where I am going to go to school. thats going to be a hard one bc mom, b, and work are all in different locations and i have no clue whats is going to have happened when that time comes. So I dont know, thats just a bit confusing.

This time in my life has really reminded me that I need to rely on me and only me. So that is something that will stay w/ me for a bit and I am going to be hestitant and wondering what is the real deal. I guess I got comfortable where i was at and life just kinda threw some curve balls w a few things. So when all is straightened out i will be happier.

I saw a few important things fall right apart in front of me and as much as i tried to stop and stand up to it, it all continued to come apart and even got worse. Hard week. But now I think things are starting to come back together but that will take time so we will see.

So I just found out my diet is a joke and so I am going to start over. Maybe just a balanced diet will be good. So I going to order Pita Jungles nachos and just not eat the chips so much bc they are a health food restraunt and specialize in healthy entrees. Steve eats there so its has to be safe. the guy is a brick wall. Not so tall but I would be scrared for any guy i know against him. oh and I know you are laughing at me but hte nachos form there are black beans and all these other beans that i normally wouldnt eat and then a bit of cheese hosed down w/ tomaotes, onoins, and others yummy greens, so its really aactually healthy. Ill just eat everything but the blue chips(which are healthier than most).

6/11/05 My Life

The headliners of my life this past year

My Grandma died.
RIP She lived a long life though...

I moved from Scottsdale to PV.
I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay in the Scottsdale near what had been my entire life.

My Dad got sick and was in/out of the hospital a few times.
I am pissed about this bc my family on that side never told till after the fact every time.

My Sister moved back home from out of state.
She got stranded out there and I felt our family did very little to get her back. I feel like I helped her the most. She’s getting better.

I fell in love.
Need I say more? Love is the best ever and so wonderful.

He could make me cum. ;)
No one could be better.

I learned contrary to the saying that one is NOT the cure for another.
I tried once a while ago, it failed.

I helped a friend get an abortion.
It was her choice. But it was hard to see, makes you think.

I spent a horrible year at U-haul w/ a bunch of Fags and their Fag Hags. I just got my exit interview form. I think I might write, "It’s not what you know, it’s who you blow. Your company as a whole is in the same condition as your shitty ass trucks."

I got dumped.
It has to be one of the top ten worst feelings to have. But it happens to us all.

My Mom got laid off
That sucked to see her upset & stressed and there was nothing I could do.

I still resent my Father for not being his own person and being so pussy whipped he’d lose his own kids.
Why her?

I think I just had a early mid life crisis.
I didn’t know where I was going. It was just off a few years. I got a plan now.

The financial aid form is going to be complete this week.
I am going back to school.

I am going back to school.
I am better than where I am at in life.

I got sick again for a few weeks.
Sorry that was rough for all of us.

I learned that if I ever decided to have a baby that I would probably need fertility drugs.
It’s Ok though. Any guy worth having a baby with should accept & love me the way I am.

I quit smoking (for the most part -I smoke nic free ciggs once in a while).
For my health bc of what I have. Also to make someone else happy. But I gained weight damnit!

I rekindled a special friendship.
Hi Yazi.

I lost some guy friends bc of a new relationship.
How unfortunate. Bye.

Sometimes I’d rather stay home on a Saturday night.
There are better things than going to a club or getting hammered.

A friend left to study abroad.
I miss you.

I missed my Fav Uncle leave.

I started to write and paint again.
But just not as creative as I was when I took acid. ;) I still have your painting Yazi.

I stopped reading as much this year, I need to get a good book.
Last one was the 5 people you meet ine Heaven.

6/9/05 Almost there

We are almost to the weekend.
By the way I feel so great today. At first I went through the whole process as to why I shouldn't get out of bed and came up w/ a couple half coherent excuses as to why I couldn't get out of bed and then I just got out of bed. And wow I am so glad I did. Bc I am in such a great mood. You have no idea.
However I was a bit sick during the night at 2a. So was my little (but bigger brother) and then just now I spoke to my G-ma and she's sick too! DAMN Chinese Buffet. We really went there thinking it was going to be good food and WOW we were so wrong. I've never been to a good Chinese Buffet. And when Sweeten said that's where she wanted to go I about wanted to protest but it was her Bday, not mine so we went.
So I am excited. Sweetens for her B-day wanted dinner and a movie. Well we skipped out on the movie last night bc it was late. we were going to go sometime over the weekend, however I was listening to the radio (i was sick of the cds i have and somtimes talk radio is interesting) and I heard this guy that was a well known comedian on one Az's local stations. He was so damn funny that I rallied the family to go see him instead of the movie plan. So tomorrow we are going to the tempe improv to see this guy. He was SO F!ing FUNNY. I was busten out in the car.
I am so excited! It should be a blast. Meg might go too

4/8/05 China Stoned

Today was interesting one.

My morning sucked so I'll start off with my lunch hour. At lunch today I had to run to the bank. So I went over and did my transactions and whatever. Well my teller was like my age or a little older and all punked out w/ a punk style hair do and everything. he seemed relaxed and I need a part time job. So I started asking him questions and turns out that wellsfargo hires part time. So he referred me to the web site and i went and wow I hope to get a job at wellsfargo. Part time positions w/ benefits. NICE! So I went to the site and found a bunch of jobs i want. very cool. I might go work in the boon docks but it might be worth it to learn a trade. But the guy was so cool and I wanted to reference him as my referal and I ended up needing his wellsfargo email and so I called his branch and just asked his co worker but i guess they dont have em or something so he gave me his personal and needless to teh site wouldnt take it so I will have to let him know that i couldnt mark him officailly has my reference but I noted hime else where. He was so cool and just sincere. Was a refreshing deal. People are usually snooty and assy. But not him cool kid. I am going to email him a thanks or give him a compliment to his boss.

Then I get home at 6 (traffic is killer) and my G-ma and everyone is here for my big Sis's bday. Well me and Tay end up smoking pot and getting stoned and then we went to this Chinese Buffet that was suppose to be 'good'. WEll it wasnt and my god i havent had a more fun time with my family. I am so lucky to have the fam i have bc we are so much fun. My Mom busted me smoking weed. We were stupid and did it my room and then my Mom passed by and was like 'Whats that smell? It smells like a skunk' Mom had you only knew how skunky it really was. Actually i told her I was stoned so she knew what a skunk it was. She kinda laughed that Tay and I smoked and Man oh man bad chinese has never been better. The food sucked but the company rocked.

Then Yazi called and we talked and she mentioned looking in ASU paper for room mates and I never thought about that. I could go live in a house full of parties and have a blast. I'd never get bored. So I may look into that when the time comes. I really dont want to go to school w/ a bunch of snobby PV kids. Id rather go to my somewhat snobby SCC or Rio, or even MCC.

Not sure. But where I am at I feel sofar away from everyone besides my family. Well gotta go but what a afternoon/evening.