4/22/05 Rambles

I feel very alone today. I don’t know why today this is so prevalent. Yesterday I was kind of numb and didn’t care about much of anything. I was in my own world. I am finally starting to talk to my family. They were not being very supportive and caring of me, as I would like them to be. Then they said something that I did not appreciate. I know my Mom didn’t like the silent treatment she got for the few days. Not that my Mom has favorites but I know her and I have a special connection & relationship that is not as prominent in my other siblings as compared to us.

My sister I talked to in the middle of last night for first time in a few days. I needed her to rub lidocaine on my back. My itching was very very horrible last night. I was desperate and needed help. She did but was kind of grumpy since it was so late, probably around 3am.

I am very thankful that my friends are so caring. They call or email me during the day to see what I am doing and then they try and talk w/ me at some point in the evening. If I wanted to I could have spent every day of this week with them. But I felt like being alone for the most part. Last night I did have a good time though. I am glad that I didn’t punk out like I was thinking of doing.

The itching was so bad that it woke me up again. I rubbed anything on my back starting with cortaid to aloe w/ lidocaine and finally a clay face mask. Nothing eased the painful itch completely. I went on a hunt through my Moms nursing stuff and found strong prescription strength topical lidocaine cream. She has few drugs from when she worked in the hospital. Finally around 4am I was able to fall asleep and I did so till 10:30a. I called my boss’s desk phone and left a message that I would be late. I wasn’t even going to attempt going to work on 2 hours of sleep. There was no way. Now that I am here I feel like shit. I did end up getting enough sleep though. I am going to the DR about this if it doesn’t clear up real quick. If it was from tanning it would be all over my body, not exclusively on my back. I wonder if I got some type of skin deal now. But my skin looks normal, so I don’t get it. Hopefully it just goes away.

Well I gotta get back to work, but I was needing a break so I thought I would spend a few min writing bc it feels good to get things out of my head on to paper, or in this case a computer.
I’ll check in later.

417/05 My first comment! Notes Re: Mr Right & Camera

417/05 9:46a

OK I am oh so happy because I have recvd my first comment from another blogger. Dee from Diva in Scrubs http://adivainscrubs.blogspot.com/. I have linked her. I am so happy about this because I really do want to see what peoples opinions are. So far I have been extremely open and hopfully that doesn't bite me in the ass, but that's the way I would prefer to be -myself.

This is a continued thought from my previous post.
There are no other Mr. Rights. If another 'Mr. Right' tried to come around I think that I really would steal his beer and take off. ;) inside joke. But no, I can't see any other 'Mr. Rights' coming in my direction and plus there is no vacancy here. Reservations have already been made, there is no room for anyone else, this is a promised deal. So any other 'Mr. Rights' can fuck off.

(Sorry this won't make sense to anyone else)
As far as the camera...the main reason I wanted it back bc there are mostly pics of you, Rick James, and myself. Very few pics of Cali. I think I have like 4. But I am going to develop them today so I will mail you prints of the good ones. I got a pic of you all snuggled up in bed still sleeping one morning. I think it will be my favorite. You looked very cute and I really just wanted to crawl back in bed with you.

4/17/05 2:30am On Pause

4/17/05

So here I am on a Saturday night at 2:30 am posting -again. I just got up from a nap so now I am kinda wired. I had a rough day. I am emotionally drained! I cried a lot today. That’s probably why I fell asleep at 7:50. Crying bothers me because I haven’t been a bigger crier till the last 2 months. I am not sure if it is still my PCOS or if it’s because I am in love and feel really insecure about the situation.

Since I mentioned PCOS, heres the deal w/ it:
(but this isnt what I really wanted to write about, so move foward 2 paragraphs to the good stuff)

Yeah I never mentioned before that I have pcos. It’s a girl disease. Basically you don’t ovulate correctly and it causes cysts to form on your ovaries as well as a hormone imbalance. The most common complications or symptoms are lack of period or a constant period, acne, weight gain, hair growth, sensitivity and mood swings, depression and the worse infertility. The most common way to treat this is w/ birth control bc its leveling out your hormones so your plumbing functions somewhat more properly. Thankfully I suffered the lack of period, only a slight increase of acne, a slight increase of weight (5-7lbs), and being more emotional than I would be normally. It could have been WAY worse. Some girls grow facial hair.

I’ve had this since I was 19. So 2 years. I thought it was treated and that it had gone away. But it flared up again about 2-3 mos ago. I just didn’t get my period. Based the neg preg test I knew what was wrong w/ me once again. I knew even before the neg test what it was. I took a 2nd for Blake to calm his nerves. Well anyways the reason I say I might still be overly emotional is because when I went in for a check up I asked to be put on low hormone birth control. Well this family practice basically gives you what you ask for. My Mom is a RN and said I need to be on something stronger, so this last month I went back to my old birth control and I’ve start to feel better, my face has cleared up & it’s only been a week & ½. It’s awesome but takes a little more time than that to fully take on its full effect. I can’t wait to be myself again and less emotional. Or it could be the whole love deal, but I don’t think it’s that bc I am sensitive to other dealings in my life as well. So this is not what I wanted to post about, but I thought I should explain this since I mentioned it.

So today I went to Blake’s, mostly to get that face to face explanation and to get my stuff and give back my keys to his house. I am not sure what happened or what I really expected to happen when I got there. But we talked about what’s going on with him in his head. It came down to this. He needs to get a few things straightened out before he can ‘commit himself to me’. So through out our talks we basically came to this. We still love each other. He needs a couple weeks of solitude to get a few things back on track w/ himself. So we are ‘pausing’ our relationship. So what I believe what he meant by saying he can’t ‘commit himself to me right now’ is that he can’t commit himself to the day to day functionality of a relationship until these other things are taken care of. He needs to concentrate on these self improvement adjustments. So I guess that’s where the pause comes into effect. After his time off to get things right the play button will be pushed and hopefully everything will keep on going in the right direction w/o having to start over. Hopefully. Or it could just all end. Then I say to myself what’s 2 weeks? A week just went by that was way worse bc I didn’t know what fuck was going on I was in total limbo. This shouldn’t be so bad. And by the sounds of it won’t be complete solitude bc and we’ll still keep in touch & he’ll still read this site. It just won’t be how we would normally function.

Also he tells me it’s not just me that he is secluding himself from. He says he is also going to keep friends at a distance and concentrate on his issues and family. Which I really hope is true bc I would feel very singled out and abandoned if he continued to socialize a lot and etc.. I guess the reason why I question this is because today he returned a few phone calls and acted on the phone like everything was A ok and kinda made some comments about hanging out. But I guess with guys they don’t really get to emotionally honest w/ each other so I’m sure in a guys world it’s better to just act cool than wounded.

So moving on. We hung out with each other and talked and it was cool bc we would take a break from being all serious to burning CDs and talking about other things. At one point we jumped in the pool and had a quick swim. I felt all weird though bc I jumped in the pool wearing my panties and a tank top but when it came to undressing I was unsure if I should go into the bathroom for privacy, tell him to turn around & not look at me or what. He got naked right there in front of me so I just followed his lead. Sounds dumb I know but I guess it’s hard for me to see the line as to what is OK and not OK. I guess maybe I was over analyzing that one.

So there were a handful of hugs and small kisses and little touches etc through out the afternoon. Which was nice bc it helped me not feel totally out of place. So after the pool we decide to go eat and while he was on the phone I went into his room to put my clothes back on and comb my wet hair & etc. Well he came in the room when I was just standing there in my bra and nothing else. I felt so naked which I was but more of a mental nakedness as well as physical nakedness ~a complete nakedness. And he came up to me and just kinda swooped me on top of him & onto his bed. And we just laid there and it was such a great moment. I think I thought at first this might lead to sex or a sexual something bc he had told when we were getting out of the pool that he still thought I was really sexy and that we’ve have had the best sex ever in his opinion etc etc. Which was also reassuring to hear. But I wasn’t sure if sex would be a good idea for me. So we laid there and he just ran his hands all over the back part of my body and told me that he still loved me and not to give up on him.. Sex wasn’t even brought up at that point however I asked about it later.

Our little meeting was wrapping up. I didn’t want to take my stuff or give back my keys and at first we weren’t but he changed his mind. He had first said that I can keep them as long as I was going to respect the ‘pause’ & not go psycho. And then at dinner he changed his mind. He later explained when he was walking me out that he didn’t know if he would ever see me again and that he didn’t want to come home to some type of crazy mess one day. I resent or begrudge that bc I am not a crazy girl like that. I can get pissed but I don’t think there’s much he can do to make me want to vandalize his house or steal his dog. That’s pretty far out there. And if he did do something that horrible he could easily change just one of the locks. It’s not hard.

So that hurt because in a way leaving me with my keys was a way of being like ‘I am going to trust you and you are going to trust me’, and in another way it was kind of a symbolic way to show things will be OK soon. But I guess he just didn’t trust me or the situation to do that. So he took the keys & I took all of my stuff . I guess since he was withdrawing the symbolic thing of trust of this not being the end I didn’t want my stuff there. Maybe it’s a mental thing to take my stuff home so I am more so prepared in case this doesn’t work out. If he doesn’t have enough faith for that than I sure am not going to build a wall for myself to run full fledge into. Not sure if that makes sense. Maybe that is hard to understand. Maybe it’s just a girl thing or a Rachael thing, but that’s how it breaks down to me.

Side note about dinner. His roommate came, which was completely uncomfortable. I think Randy the r-mate likes me and everything & I think he’s great, but when there is drama between Blake and I I’m sure its not comfortable for him and its wasn’t for me. I tried to break the ice with him and act/talk normal w/ him when Blake was away but he was still visibly uncomfortable so it made me even more so. I clammed up after that. I didn’t know what to say or what to do.

Blake was kind of cold when saying goodbye. Not sure why he had to be like that when for the majority of the time I spent with him he was warm. He barely even gave me a hug. I held on for a longer one. I didn’t care. The conclusion of our time spent together wasn’t as good as I expected it to be. So I was going to give a good one last hug. And then he surprised me and planted a few pecks on my lips.

But that didn’t really make up for the key thing and the uncomfortable dinner. I still felt like shit. So I left and did the whole turn around and watched him walk away for a second and then pulled out of there and drove home. He didn’t meet my look back, he walked straight back inside. But right as I was pulling into my neighborhood he called to tell me one last time to not find Mr. Right and to not give up on him. I told him not to forget about me. We discussed how we were not going to be strangers and said love you’s and got off the phone. If he hadn’t called to say that I know I would probably feel much worse right now.

Things are hopeful but we will just see how things go. But it does hurt to feel unwelcome in someone’s life that you love and care about so much. My biggest worry is that he will forget what it’s like to be with me, and think that there is or find something else that’s better. It’s hard and painful to think that things aren’t going to work out, and that just makes me think of all the good things that I will miss.

Sentimental thought:
Being close and in a way making love or showing love didn’t always involve sex w/ Blake, just snuggling was as good if not better. It was like ecstasy. But, I hope that didn’t give the wrong impression. Sex w/ him was awesome as well and has been the best that I have experienced thus far in my life. I’ve never came so many times in my entire sexual history. Every thing about it felt connected, wonderful, and loving. Can’t really describe it, unless I were to go into more erotic details. Which maybe I will another day. If things are over it’ll will be hard to eventually find someone to match it. But there are so many other important things that come into play and that I will miss, but I am tired again and this was a long post. Maybe I’ll finish all my thoughts another time.

Goodnight.

4/16/04 2 AM ~My regrets~

1/14/05 2am

So I went out tonight and now I am sitting here w/ a cranberry vodka drink. My sister made me have a drink w/ her so I did and now she is passed out. But she has to work tomorrow.

Her and I went completely through http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/ If you haven’t checked it out you really should. So that site sparked a post idea. I am going to name as many of my regrets that I can think of.

1. I wish I hadn’t told my Dad to go to hell when I was 15. I wish I knew what I know today and I think we may have been able to have a better relationship. But I was a stubborn, some what intelligent kid who just didn’t give up on her beliefs or point of views.
So the last straw was when my Dad and I got into some random fight that I don't even remember anymore. I was upset and called my Mom to come get me. I packed most of my clothes and other misc things that I might need and walked out the front door to my Mom’s car. My father was coming out after me and in the middle of my sob I said ' Go to hell, Dad!'. I think that stopped him dead in his tracks and I just got into the car was driven away.
A few weeks later the rest of my stuff was unexpectedly delivered to my Mom’s house. My room at his house was repainted and given to one of my step brothers w/o my knowing and for sure against my wishes. I never forgave him for that. He still blames it on me. That was the last time I ever stayed in his house. Now I think since I walked out on my own Father I can walk out on anybody. But I would prefer not to make any mistakes in doing so.

2. I think back to a past relationship and I wish I would have said ‘You have a small ass dick anyways! Fuck you!, fuck your money!, fuck your mom! and fuck off! you selfish asshole!’ so much sooner than over 2 ½ yrs into knowing him. It was one of the best things I ever said to my EX. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was standing outside of friends apt and I left him standing at the bottom of the stairs and said all that on my way up to her door. However, I turned around and he had followed me up the stairs, I just hadn’t noticed.
I never really talked shit like that before, I’ve called him an asshole or something lame but I never have been into talking shit just to tear someone down. But finally he pushed me to the edge that it came flying out of my mouth. That was our last fight. I should left out that he had a small penis. Oh and as far as the money thing, we had this cell phone deal together and I owed him $50 bucks. I didn’t want to give it to him after he pissed me off so bad. But, I did end up giving him his money that night -just so you know.

3. Another EX bf thing. We once got into a fight in his car, when I am really pissed I can't get words to come out of my mouth for some reason when it comes to boyfriends. So I just sit there silently stare and hate. Well since I couldn’t get any words out I spit on him instead. I wish it would have landed on his face instead of his shoulder. I think my silence is because I never want to say something that I'll want to take back. Once words are out they can never be fully taken back.

4. One last lump of EX bf regrets. This is the one fight that I take full responsibility for, and just for all the hell he put me through I wish I had kicked his car 10x harder than I did that night. Oh, and I also wish that when he punched his windshield and broke it he would have really done some damage instead of just cracking it. This would have been the best; the time he threw my purse I wish I would have picked up it and smashed it right back into his fucking head. And that’s all. Not so bad for 3 years. Actually I regret that it lasted almost 3 years.

5. I regret stealing this girl's pipe and sack when I was in HS.

6. I regret putting my Mom through stress when I was a trouble maker.

7. I regret some of the drugs I did.

8. I regret some of the guys I dated.

9. I regret not being able to always speak my mind, on some subjects I am overly cautious and sensitive to other peoples feelings. Maybe too much counseling taught me to be more selective about what and how I say things. I never want to overreact.

10. I regret not taking school seriously in the beginning.

1 1. I don’t regret, but I feel bad I hurt some girls feelings over a guy. It’s been almost a year now and we are still dating, but it hasn’t been perfect.

12. I regret being an overly honest person. I need some things for myself.

13. I regret the times I have been cold or overly casual to people when I shouldn’t have been.

14. I regret the times I shut people out when I needed them the most.

15. I regret being overly cautious in life and not taking more risks.

16. I am going to stop before I regret this post.

4/15/05 You Gotta Check This Out!

It's really interesting!

www.postsecret.blogspot.com