4/22/05 Rambles

I feel very alone today. I don’t know why today this is so prevalent. Yesterday I was kind of numb and didn’t care about much of anything. I was in my own world. I am finally starting to talk to my family. They were not being very supportive and caring of me, as I would like them to be. Then they said something that I did not appreciate. I know my Mom didn’t like the silent treatment she got for the few days. Not that my Mom has favorites but I know her and I have a special connection & relationship that is not as prominent in my other siblings as compared to us.

My sister I talked to in the middle of last night for first time in a few days. I needed her to rub lidocaine on my back. My itching was very very horrible last night. I was desperate and needed help. She did but was kind of grumpy since it was so late, probably around 3am.

I am very thankful that my friends are so caring. They call or email me during the day to see what I am doing and then they try and talk w/ me at some point in the evening. If I wanted to I could have spent every day of this week with them. But I felt like being alone for the most part. Last night I did have a good time though. I am glad that I didn’t punk out like I was thinking of doing.

The itching was so bad that it woke me up again. I rubbed anything on my back starting with cortaid to aloe w/ lidocaine and finally a clay face mask. Nothing eased the painful itch completely. I went on a hunt through my Moms nursing stuff and found strong prescription strength topical lidocaine cream. She has few drugs from when she worked in the hospital. Finally around 4am I was able to fall asleep and I did so till 10:30a. I called my boss’s desk phone and left a message that I would be late. I wasn’t even going to attempt going to work on 2 hours of sleep. There was no way. Now that I am here I feel like shit. I did end up getting enough sleep though. I am going to the DR about this if it doesn’t clear up real quick. If it was from tanning it would be all over my body, not exclusively on my back. I wonder if I got some type of skin deal now. But my skin looks normal, so I don’t get it. Hopefully it just goes away.

Well I gotta get back to work, but I was needing a break so I thought I would spend a few min writing bc it feels good to get things out of my head on to paper, or in this case a computer.
I’ll check in later.