4/17/05 2:30am On Pause

4/17/05

So here I am on a Saturday night at 2:30 am posting -again. I just got up from a nap so now I am kinda wired. I had a rough day. I am emotionally drained! I cried a lot today. That’s probably why I fell asleep at 7:50. Crying bothers me because I haven’t been a bigger crier till the last 2 months. I am not sure if it is still my PCOS or if it’s because I am in love and feel really insecure about the situation.

Since I mentioned PCOS, heres the deal w/ it:
(but this isnt what I really wanted to write about, so move foward 2 paragraphs to the good stuff)

Yeah I never mentioned before that I have pcos. It’s a girl disease. Basically you don’t ovulate correctly and it causes cysts to form on your ovaries as well as a hormone imbalance. The most common complications or symptoms are lack of period or a constant period, acne, weight gain, hair growth, sensitivity and mood swings, depression and the worse infertility. The most common way to treat this is w/ birth control bc its leveling out your hormones so your plumbing functions somewhat more properly. Thankfully I suffered the lack of period, only a slight increase of acne, a slight increase of weight (5-7lbs), and being more emotional than I would be normally. It could have been WAY worse. Some girls grow facial hair.

I’ve had this since I was 19. So 2 years. I thought it was treated and that it had gone away. But it flared up again about 2-3 mos ago. I just didn’t get my period. Based the neg preg test I knew what was wrong w/ me once again. I knew even before the neg test what it was. I took a 2nd for Blake to calm his nerves. Well anyways the reason I say I might still be overly emotional is because when I went in for a check up I asked to be put on low hormone birth control. Well this family practice basically gives you what you ask for. My Mom is a RN and said I need to be on something stronger, so this last month I went back to my old birth control and I’ve start to feel better, my face has cleared up & it’s only been a week & ½. It’s awesome but takes a little more time than that to fully take on its full effect. I can’t wait to be myself again and less emotional. Or it could be the whole love deal, but I don’t think it’s that bc I am sensitive to other dealings in my life as well. So this is not what I wanted to post about, but I thought I should explain this since I mentioned it.

So today I went to Blake’s, mostly to get that face to face explanation and to get my stuff and give back my keys to his house. I am not sure what happened or what I really expected to happen when I got there. But we talked about what’s going on with him in his head. It came down to this. He needs to get a few things straightened out before he can ‘commit himself to me’. So through out our talks we basically came to this. We still love each other. He needs a couple weeks of solitude to get a few things back on track w/ himself. So we are ‘pausing’ our relationship. So what I believe what he meant by saying he can’t ‘commit himself to me right now’ is that he can’t commit himself to the day to day functionality of a relationship until these other things are taken care of. He needs to concentrate on these self improvement adjustments. So I guess that’s where the pause comes into effect. After his time off to get things right the play button will be pushed and hopefully everything will keep on going in the right direction w/o having to start over. Hopefully. Or it could just all end. Then I say to myself what’s 2 weeks? A week just went by that was way worse bc I didn’t know what fuck was going on I was in total limbo. This shouldn’t be so bad. And by the sounds of it won’t be complete solitude bc and we’ll still keep in touch & he’ll still read this site. It just won’t be how we would normally function.

Also he tells me it’s not just me that he is secluding himself from. He says he is also going to keep friends at a distance and concentrate on his issues and family. Which I really hope is true bc I would feel very singled out and abandoned if he continued to socialize a lot and etc.. I guess the reason why I question this is because today he returned a few phone calls and acted on the phone like everything was A ok and kinda made some comments about hanging out. But I guess with guys they don’t really get to emotionally honest w/ each other so I’m sure in a guys world it’s better to just act cool than wounded.

So moving on. We hung out with each other and talked and it was cool bc we would take a break from being all serious to burning CDs and talking about other things. At one point we jumped in the pool and had a quick swim. I felt all weird though bc I jumped in the pool wearing my panties and a tank top but when it came to undressing I was unsure if I should go into the bathroom for privacy, tell him to turn around & not look at me or what. He got naked right there in front of me so I just followed his lead. Sounds dumb I know but I guess it’s hard for me to see the line as to what is OK and not OK. I guess maybe I was over analyzing that one.

So there were a handful of hugs and small kisses and little touches etc through out the afternoon. Which was nice bc it helped me not feel totally out of place. So after the pool we decide to go eat and while he was on the phone I went into his room to put my clothes back on and comb my wet hair & etc. Well he came in the room when I was just standing there in my bra and nothing else. I felt so naked which I was but more of a mental nakedness as well as physical nakedness ~a complete nakedness. And he came up to me and just kinda swooped me on top of him & onto his bed. And we just laid there and it was such a great moment. I think I thought at first this might lead to sex or a sexual something bc he had told when we were getting out of the pool that he still thought I was really sexy and that we’ve have had the best sex ever in his opinion etc etc. Which was also reassuring to hear. But I wasn’t sure if sex would be a good idea for me. So we laid there and he just ran his hands all over the back part of my body and told me that he still loved me and not to give up on him.. Sex wasn’t even brought up at that point however I asked about it later.

Our little meeting was wrapping up. I didn’t want to take my stuff or give back my keys and at first we weren’t but he changed his mind. He had first said that I can keep them as long as I was going to respect the ‘pause’ & not go psycho. And then at dinner he changed his mind. He later explained when he was walking me out that he didn’t know if he would ever see me again and that he didn’t want to come home to some type of crazy mess one day. I resent or begrudge that bc I am not a crazy girl like that. I can get pissed but I don’t think there’s much he can do to make me want to vandalize his house or steal his dog. That’s pretty far out there. And if he did do something that horrible he could easily change just one of the locks. It’s not hard.

So that hurt because in a way leaving me with my keys was a way of being like ‘I am going to trust you and you are going to trust me’, and in another way it was kind of a symbolic way to show things will be OK soon. But I guess he just didn’t trust me or the situation to do that. So he took the keys & I took all of my stuff . I guess since he was withdrawing the symbolic thing of trust of this not being the end I didn’t want my stuff there. Maybe it’s a mental thing to take my stuff home so I am more so prepared in case this doesn’t work out. If he doesn’t have enough faith for that than I sure am not going to build a wall for myself to run full fledge into. Not sure if that makes sense. Maybe that is hard to understand. Maybe it’s just a girl thing or a Rachael thing, but that’s how it breaks down to me.

Side note about dinner. His roommate came, which was completely uncomfortable. I think Randy the r-mate likes me and everything & I think he’s great, but when there is drama between Blake and I I’m sure its not comfortable for him and its wasn’t for me. I tried to break the ice with him and act/talk normal w/ him when Blake was away but he was still visibly uncomfortable so it made me even more so. I clammed up after that. I didn’t know what to say or what to do.

Blake was kind of cold when saying goodbye. Not sure why he had to be like that when for the majority of the time I spent with him he was warm. He barely even gave me a hug. I held on for a longer one. I didn’t care. The conclusion of our time spent together wasn’t as good as I expected it to be. So I was going to give a good one last hug. And then he surprised me and planted a few pecks on my lips.

But that didn’t really make up for the key thing and the uncomfortable dinner. I still felt like shit. So I left and did the whole turn around and watched him walk away for a second and then pulled out of there and drove home. He didn’t meet my look back, he walked straight back inside. But right as I was pulling into my neighborhood he called to tell me one last time to not find Mr. Right and to not give up on him. I told him not to forget about me. We discussed how we were not going to be strangers and said love you’s and got off the phone. If he hadn’t called to say that I know I would probably feel much worse right now.

Things are hopeful but we will just see how things go. But it does hurt to feel unwelcome in someone’s life that you love and care about so much. My biggest worry is that he will forget what it’s like to be with me, and think that there is or find something else that’s better. It’s hard and painful to think that things aren’t going to work out, and that just makes me think of all the good things that I will miss.

Sentimental thought:
Being close and in a way making love or showing love didn’t always involve sex w/ Blake, just snuggling was as good if not better. It was like ecstasy. But, I hope that didn’t give the wrong impression. Sex w/ him was awesome as well and has been the best that I have experienced thus far in my life. I’ve never came so many times in my entire sexual history. Every thing about it felt connected, wonderful, and loving. Can’t really describe it, unless I were to go into more erotic details. Which maybe I will another day. If things are over it’ll will be hard to eventually find someone to match it. But there are so many other important things that come into play and that I will miss, but I am tired again and this was a long post. Maybe I’ll finish all my thoughts another time.

Goodnight.