The Good & The Bad

First I would like to send a thank you to everyone that has been so kind and supportive towards me in regards to the troubles I have had. I do appreciate it.

I would like to ensure everyone that I am OK.

I know B and I think I have an idea or two whats going on with us. However, no one can be for sure and thats just the way the cookie crumbles. Time will tell.

But more importantly I know whats going on with me.

I am overall happy with myself & and everything in my life. If shit starts to slide in a direction that I dont like (including B) trust me the garbage will be taken out (it already has once). I know now that no matter what happens I will be OK. Its a feeling that I havent had in a while and its so awesome.

If B gets weird, shady, or whatever then he will go on his way and I will on mine. Of course I will be sad but not to same degree I would be as when this all first happened. I dont have much to loose and a lot to gain.

I dont know how it all worked but I woke up one day and decided I was not going to be bothered so much about things that I have no control over. I just won't. And it worked and it changed my perspective.

And in a weird way I have learned so much from these situations. It was something that needed to happen. I am not so reliant on my relationship w/ B to be happy. It has been a while but I am happy all by myself. Usually I would be upset that things between him and I were not perfect and blah blah. But no, thats not how I am thinking. I wake up every day and feel good regardless of how that situations sits at the time. And the few times I do get bothered it passes quickly.

For once in my life I am on my own. I harldy talk to any of the people I did 1 or 2 mos ago. The friends I have are few but I dont care. I am happy. I dont have drama & I only worry about myself. I love my job and the few friends I have gained there and I am having fun hanging out with my family. It probably sounds dumb but it is what it is. My life is so simple and yet so refreshing. In some ways I miss going out with the girls, but that in itself was drama half the time too.

Also, I have been rebuilding relationships I have with my family. They all thought I hated it here and thats why I never came home and was always at his house. And maybe in ways I didnt like it here, I dont know. But my Mom and I are becoming closer again. Taylor and I are getting along pretty well and my sister and I are friends. Her and I haven't always been very close or friends, but we are working on it. And most importantly we are working on being a family together, getting along, basic life lessons & regaining closeness.

At one point Taylor was moved out, we never saw him, Sweeten my Sis was in Utah and we never saw her. It was only Mom and myself that made up the family. And then WHAM Sweeten was moving home to Az and was moving in till she got on her feet. Tay got kicked out of my Dads after he and his friends decided to go back home to their parents. And all of a sudden its a full house in like less than 2 mos. And it rocks, I come home and I always have someone to hang out with and when the house is empty I get bored sometimes but I just spend time talking to friends and vegging out.

I cant describe it any other way besides that. I do feel bad though bc yesterday I got an email from my old friends and they were asking me if I had been trying to reach them bc they got some calls, but they didnt have the right number and to call them again and leave the right number.

But I was not the one calling.

I dont know if this was a trick to get me to talk to them or what. I told my motha and she said sounds like they are trying to reunite. I think they have been all along though, it cant think of one week that i didnt get some type of email.

But I still think I want to be alone for a while longer. On my own free of social stress from them. I know its random to hear that someone just changed their number on their own social circle but I did. I couldnt stand what was happening. There were issues between M and I. J got involved and made them worse. And then everyone associated with either side of the story got involved. uhhh no thanks. I had enough going on. The only person I remained in contact was w/ B. And that itself was shitty. So we broke up for a week and I really spent some time on my own not talking to anyone and did some real thinking and soul searching. And I came out with this totally different attitude.

But anyways, I dont really know how to respond to my old friends. Even if I wanted to be part of the gang again I will get shit and guilt trips for going on my own and leaving them high and dry. I dont know if they will get the amount of stress it caused me to be friends with them with everything else I had on my plate. Dont they get when people have a hard time in life it serious shit? I felt like I was having a mid-life crisis. And they were still trying to drag me into drama land. I couldnt do it. I needed a break. But anyways, thats all for now. I want to go sit on my new couches bf I gotta go to work. :) they are comfy.

Oh and I ended at 86 hits for yesterday, where are all these peoples? HELLO?