7/12/05 Unloading

I've been up since 7am. That's early by my standards. I usually don't get up till 9 or 10. You are probably jealous. It wont always be that nice though! School is coming up real quick.

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ok I am going to stop with the happy act. Today was an odd one. I met my dad at the tire place and we finally got my tires replaced. I paid for half and he paid for half. The bill was $381.50. I got my alignment done for free though. That has been my luck last few times I've had anything done to my car, they knocked the price down or it was free. So far I've gotten a free oil change and car wash and know the alignment fixed for nothing. I guess having boobs does come in handy.

So new tires for me is like new shoes for a little kid. Have you ever heard a little kid boasting about his new shoes and how they make him run faster? Well that's me w/ new tires. I think I feel this big difference in the way my car drives. I don't know if there really is though. But I drive like an asshole for the first few days.

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Well I went to walgreens and bought a pregnancy test. I was almost 100% positive that I was not preggy. But since I have not had my period in a few mos I figured I'd get it checked out again anyway. Ya never know. But it came out neg like I thought it would and it just confirmed that I am and have been sick again.

I have mentioned it before that I have a girl disease called PCOS or PCOD. Its an ovary problem where they (my ovaries) don't want to ovulate bc of a hormone imbalance. No ovulation: no babies, no period, & no level hormones. Its also probably why I cant lose much weight right now but that's ok I am not huge or gross, just a size 9-11 that I am not used to being. I am told I hold my extra weight well though. tg. This also means that I am not the most fertile girl around and that I will probably have to go on fertility treatments if I ever wanted my own childrens. So sad. When my insurance kicks in I'll probably go on hormone treatments. That's kinda scary to me.

I don't know if I want kids. So its not a HUGE thing, but it does bother me that I cant fulfill the womanly duties had I wanted to. I also wonder if I will ever be in a situation that the man I love wants babies and I couldn't so easily provide. Would it cause problems? I've told myself any man worth having babies with will love me no matter what. But I still wonder. I wonder if B ever thinks about it. He told me once that he's more open to thought of babies/kids with me than anyone before. I've never asked him and he's never really tried to have much of a conversation with me about it, I know he knows it exists.

The one thing that is interesting is when you tell another woman about it. Especially one that has had kids. The look on their face when you tell them you don't believe you could have kids w/o help. They get all wide eyed and I think for one time they are thankful to have the ability bc it is so often taken for granted and advantage of. I don't usually rack my brain about it. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it except see what the Dr says in august.

My disease could also be why I am so sensitive right now and why I feel so angry/sad inside. I don't like very many people right now so it makes me very upset a lot of the time. I feel very much alone almost like I have been abandoned on some alien world where everything is fucked up. I know that I walked away from some and then some have walked away from me as well.

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Sometimes it seems that life makes the situations we get it a lesson that we have to face alone. I seem to get a lot of those. Which is weird bc really I am not a overly social person. I am more closed off. I don't let many people inside the real me. When I do let someone in and they screw around with me its like the worst feeling ever. Like I've just been ripped open and left to die. Its so horrible. If you aren't close to me than you can go fuck yourself and I couldn't give a shit.

I seem to have this thing that I will put up with something for just so long bf I am just like FUCK YOU I don't need this. But unlike most people that just take off I stick around to 'be friends' which maybe I shouldn't but I don't think I realize it at first. My experience is that when someone pushes you past that point they don't get why you care less and so they push you harder until they get a reaction out of you.

Here's another thing. I don't think that people that have 'history' can be friends. I've tried to be friends with people I have been involved with and it doesn't happen. I'm such a deep person that after I have established this closer bond with someone I want to maintain a friendship bc of the history of being so close to that person. EHH. That's where it goes wrong. Bc you never fully let go of what you had. You knew that person like you knew the back of your hand and now you are suppose to be casual with them? Act like you don't wonder if the new person they are with are better than you, or if they still were the underwear you bought them last x-mas. I could go on and on. Its like friendships. Say you had this great friendship that after some time you split. You run into this person and bam you can fall right back into how you were at the same comfort level. That can happen to exes. That's why exes should stay away, keep emails and conversations to a min bc its not fair to the new person in your life to try and compete or even build a stronger union when you are still visiting with a union that has past. Does that makes sense? The reason you broke up is probably part of the same reason why you cant be friends.
example I know Brian and I could potentially fall back into the same scenarios that we had over a year ago and the fighting would come just as quick. I'll always have that comfort level with Brian bc he really new me or at least the parts he brought out in me and that will never go away. Or maybe a large amount of time will make it but it would have to be years & years.

Well I have written a bunch today. I feel very cold, sad, mad and a lot of different emotions today like yesterday. Kinda just want to go be alone somewhere. I would enjoy being dropped on a deserted island to just be left alone and out of touch. I feel out of touch so I think being out of touch might smooth the bumps in the road. I don't know how that makes sense but it does to me. I guess when you feel alone bc no one gets what you are feeling or just doesn't care enough to make an effort to smooth over the bad times than you want to just curl up in a ball and not be bothered. Eventually I'll be cried out and looking for new ways to improve.I don't know. But I gots to go.