I am a dork ~&~ About my Dad

I got up early and decided I was going to go finish up some testing today at the college and what ya know the testing center was closed!
Ha so I drove 15miles for nada. I should have called first. But I called on Tues and I thought they had said they were open Mon-Fri. Weird. Even thought that the parking lot was empty even for summer.

So Since I was in my 'old hood' I drove by my old friends house that I havent talked to since I shut down my cell phone. This was the one that thought I was trying to get a hold of her so she emailed to say 'call again' (it wasnt me in the first place) - anyways she wasnt home. And After I drove off to get back on the freeway I got a feeling that I wasnt ready for that yet anyways and I got weirded out.

So I am a werido I know, I know. Its ok though. I wont be forever.

But today for some reason I am feeling a bit better.

I really should just change my blog addy bc I started to write something about B but I am afraid he is reading so I deleted it. I even have a stat counter but ya never know. Paraniod much? Yes I am. Why? Bc he is smart and could be sneaky. He probably doesnt care. But ya never never know.

So I guess we will skip that topic...

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Reading Rubens blog about his health issues kinda inspired me to write about my families problems....

I have never really mentioned my Dad on here. My parents divorced when I was 8. Not the nastiest divorces I have seen but bad enough that it was rough on us. My little brother was put into counseling as a little boy 6/7 years old. For some reason though we seemed younger, oh I think they put him counseling bf it was final. But they were far from being together.

But anyways, my Dad got an illness and I wont say what it was out of respect for his wishes for privacy but it affected his liver (He’s ok now). But my Dad or anyone in my family are not big drinkers. We just can't hang. I can and I like too, but I would rather come home and smoke a doobie than to crack open a 6 pack. But anyways, both of my parents aren’t big drinkers. So it wasn’t from that. Not so simple.

The Dr put him on a chemo treatment. Not the extremely harsh ones that make all of your hair fall out but bad enough he was sick from it. His hair thinned out and turned grey (we have super thick hair in family) plus he lost weight and was really skinny. That was hard, bc he seemed so human. Not my super strong Dad. He’s short(like me), but we are all pretty solid people.

Had to go to the hospital 2x One time it was after I kinda knew he was sick but I didn’t know the severity. He had to stay for over a week and he called me after his release to tell me what had happened. From what I am told one night he had a bad reaction to the chemo or something went wrong(drs don’t know) bc he passed out in the middle of chewing some food and watching football. The paramedics came and he was in the hospital for 8 days.

I never knew he was that sick. I got mad at everyone including my brother bc no one told me. My Dad almost died, stopped breathing, was turning blue when the paramedics came and had to stay in hospital for over a week. No one wanted me to know bc my Dad didn’t want visitors and knew if I knew I would go anyways. Maybe he knew inside he would be Ok and he didn’t want us to see him so sick. I don’t know. But had he died and I didn’t get my chance to say good bye I think I would be angry in some ways. I think when a parent is sick like that you need to hug and cry together. I would have been hard to see my Dad all laid up in the hospital, but at least I would know what was going on and have a chance to say something, and make some reconciliations.

We have not always gotten along. He was too structured and I was in my crazy teens and I rebelled against it. Then he got remarried and I hated all the changes. I was the girl of the house and all of a suddne I lost that. She~ was now the woman of the house. Her and I ended up not getting along, I thought that my step brothers were spoiled, and I just didnt get the same attention I once did. My freedoms were also being taken away and I hated it and caused hell. I know I didnt handle it great, but he didn’t handle it so well either. In some ways we both messed up. I was smart and just caused him hell and he caused me the same. I had my Mom I could go run to. So I did.

We didn’t talk for a while or really see each other. I think 2or 3 X-mas's & B-days went by w/o much but a card. And then we tried to be close and WHAM he was sick. Maybe he reached out to me bc he was sick and just didnt tell me right away. I don’t know. But to think I almost lost him on such bad terms kills me. You gotta mend things like that with your family bc in reality family is all that you have.

Last night I went out with him and we stuffed ourselves on Red Lobster. And I yacked his ear off. I am good at that. He did interrupt me to say that he just had a follow up (its been 3mos) and he is still healthy w/ no new signs. The grey seems to blend in better now, he has a full head of thick hair, & he put back on some weight. He looks like my Dad again. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to see and do these things with him bc I know that not everyone is so lucky.