Hard times

Well I have a blog that is specifically for things that are going to be a bothersome for me to go back and read. I like this blog enough that I would like to keep it untainted by my more sad, down entries. I dont know how long I will post in it, if it will stick around or what. I may take it down when I no longer am sad about things that are going on. It's more for myself but I have it open for whoever would like to read it.

Today has been a rough day. But I am feeling more optimistic over all. Jeff gives the best talks. I think thats why we will always be great friends. Today I called him bc we hadnt talked in a bit and when he called me back and asked what was going on the water works started all over again. It's hard to talk about what has happened with out getting upset. But when rational Rachael popps back in everything seems like it will work out.

I dont know where Blake will sit in my life from this time foward. I had hoped that he would always be in it bc I loved him so much. But it looks like there is not place for each other in both of our lives. Perhaps there is a more perfect girl out there waiting for him. Or maybe there is not. Either way I dont want to EVER know about any other girls in his life. I would go nuts and thats not fair to think about it. I think he was my first real love and he has chosen to go on his own way. Perhaps there are more people that I am to meet. However I will not lie, I feel as though I am ripped open & will now be jaded. I have really loved and lost and I think that has some type of wear and tear on your own being.

But I need to focus on myself now. I think that I am going to continue not talking to megan for this reason. I dont want to know about Blake. She caused me some issues. Had she not been so two faced perhaps this whole thing wouldnt have dominoed onto us. But then again if we were not strong enough to get through it then there were some other problems. But we were all in love bf all this. I dont know. I need to focus on school and work and making -->me<-- happy. I think that I wont take a math course this semester. I am a math retard and I will need help with that one. I keep on thinking that in as little as a year and half I could be working as a nurse making way better money. Its just getting though these times to get there.

I am a good person and deserve good things to happen to me. I really do. I have lost these past few weeks that it can only get better. I cant see it getting worse.

This has been my life:
Got sick
Lost job
Found Job
Job didnt work out
Decided to back to school
Found new job
Lost some friends
Family issues
Lost blake

Every set back has been followed by a new gain. So if I keep on doing what I should be then I will be fine. I wont feel so devasted forever. Just a small while until I get things back in working order. Perhaps all these things that I see as a loss are actually a gain in hiding. I will see what the future holds as soon as I get there.

I remeber the last time this happened. I thought my life was falling apart. I lost my job, Cary and I split up, I stopped hanging out with the people we were friends with and I thought that my life was over. Little did I know months later I would meet make new friends, meet blake, get comfortable in a job, buy a new car, rekindle a friendship, & fall in love. This will happen again.

Cary and I were done months bf we threw in the last towl. We were done 3mos into it. For some reason we didnt let it go. So it wasnt such a shock as this but we were done. Now I see Cary and I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I was sooo cute with a littler body, cute face, nice tits, and a fun personality. I could have had anything and anyone. But thats ok. I was into dumb ass. Thats the way it was meant to happen. After getting fucked around I moved on in an unofficial way and started over. And then the last fight happened and I was ok.

Sometimes I wonder if I gave to much of myself to my relationship. Maybe I should have put my foot down on things and had more Rachael time & did more things for me. I dont know. I was in love. But I know that I am a patient, good person, who gave a lot of myself to that other person. That wasnt bad. Thats what I was meant to do. I have a new path now. So I gotta get going on it.

Also I have been trying hard to stay away from drama. I think I've done well. Besides the obvious. Its hard not to get emotional though. I'm extra sensetive bc I am a little off balance but since things in that area are getting better I have a firmer grip on what I am being sensetive about and whats really upsetting. I admit that I was extra sensetive and maybe that turned him away but that was me going through hard times. I cant say anything besides that and I am sorry. But I dont have a good control of it and its hard.

So perhaps there is a new life just waiting to be found bc thats the only thing that could happen at this point. I am not going down with this. I am good person, a good girlfriend, a good friend, and a smart & giving girl. I have a lot of great things that I should not let these people have the best of me. I can only be who I am and rise above all this. And I am good at it.