It's late and I am up

I went to Ikea with Yasmin tonight. She got a cool new bed set picked out. Ikea wasn't so bad this time around. Last time I went there it on a weekend it was packed! Oh my word I will never go to Ikea during the day. People are hurded around like cattle & have to walk shoulder to shoulder. It's horrible. But this time was not bad. Not so many people. But tyou are fucked if you want to find a bathroom or the exit for that matter.

Yaz and I also rented Garden State tonight. It was really good. I love Natalie Portman. She is just so cool.

At the end of the movie Natalie Portman and the main guy are sitting on some stairs. The guy is telling N.P. he has to go back to his home (in a dif state) for a bit to get his head straightened out & to get into some counseling. He had some issues through out the movie. It's kind of an intense moment bc she's crying saying don't go and he is telling he has to but that he will call when he gets there and tring to reassure he that he loves her, everything is going to be fine, and that he will be back soon. He gets up and leaves. She cries.

This seen reminded me of B and I. Except B isnt going to counseling. He thinks that he can fix himself or get things straight on his own. I don't know if he does. Sometimes it takes a while bf everything goes back normal. I wonder if someday they just won't. Like now. I tend to think that they will. But I could be wrong. And the odds are that one day, whether it be today or some later time that things wont go back to 'normal' and I will be wrong. I've seen him do this a few times out the 15-16 mos I have been with him. When things are good they are sky high and nothing could ever be better, but then there are these lows that are kinda really low. But I love him.

I really do think that it's not so simple like some people like to chop it up to be. People can be fucked up and complicated. But everyone is welcomed to there opinions and some even share them with me. I try to not let it get in my head. Normally it doesn't. But sometimes I am a bit offended bc no one knows anything to make these judjements and form these negative opinions. I dont really talk about my personal shit (anymore) with that many people. So people that know me just come up with their own theories. I don't bother arguing or standing up for him or our relationship. I don't think I should have to in the first place. It's their opinion. And I think that for the most part I am secure enough to let you or whoever think what they want bc in the end it only it's only someones insignificant little opinion that knows nothing. This whole thing really only effects one person and that is me. And when it gets to the point that I can't hang then peace out dude.

But preferably I would like to be left alone and to not hear some peoples negative crap bc they don't know. I think I am a big girl and if I am making a mistake then it's obviously a lesson worth learning.

But at the end of the movie the guy changes his mind and finds her in a phone booth crying somewhere in the Airport. Takes her and makes everything better.
I wish my happy ending would hurry up... maybe I wont get one.

Another thought I had. I was driving home from Ikea, taveling on one of the biggest freeways here that you can see a major part of the city from. Even here in Phoenix Az there are so many people out there. If you got to meet everyone in your metropolitan area how many times would have a strong liking or love for someone? Probably a more than you think. In my opinion everyone is very much capable and probably would cheat or be unfaithful given the right oppertunity. It's only matter of circumstance that you meet the temptation that causes you to fail that first person. That's why I think so many affairs happen with people that work together. It was a matter of chance that you got put in the same office with this person and they are actually interested in you too. Where else would we meet people? Besides bar and through other friends?

Well anyways I am going to close that morbid thought.

I think tonight I might be losing a bit of faith that I had yesterday in regards to B. This happens. I'll be hopefull and then I'll be less... It just kind of works out that way.

good night