Family fight and going away

Ms Lonely
Have you heard that Akon song?
Well I'm Ms Lonely. Nice to meet you.

SO...
OK well tonight was a bad one. I got into a fight w/ my family. My sister who I have been getting along with really well tried to do a power trip on me. I was in a small spat between and myself & my younger brother. I have a loud mouth so I actually had both of my siblings yelling at me and I was not taking it lightly. I was telling my sister to go stick her nose in her own business and to keep out of mine and I mimicking what she was saying and man I was really ticked. And then my Mom comes out and just then I yell 'I don't care if you all hate me!' and everyone dispersed cause Momma bear was there. I really don't care if they did all hate me, I am so angry right now I don't care. I'm sure I will tomorrow or a feel days but I am sick og them right now.
~~~

So I've been thinking. If I don't get all the paper work down w/ school I think I might go work full time again and save to go and study abroad or do volunteer work. I've always wanted too & my life had always been in my way. The first time my car got stolen, 2nd time B didn't want me to and I didn't want to leave what I had here.

Now I am not as happy as I could be. I have fewer friends, a boyfriend that is unavailable & not heavily in the picture. Will he be again? I've been hoping but you never know. Time will tell all. And finally my family and I aren't getting along. Today was bad but I don't think I could be happy. I def don't think I could go to school and live here. It would be a stress. I would have so much to do before I could really leave. It would take a bit to even get out of here.

I guess what sparked the thought about volunteering again was the elephant program I watched tonight. The one about how they were they striking back, well anyways I've always liked elephants bc they are so smart & social. And I have always wanted to live near wild animals and do research and be able to interact with them on some level. Alternative to that would be to rehabilitate them or provide a communion or retirement center for abused wild animals that cant go back into the wild can come live. Or all of the above.

That's my dream. The field is competitive. And it would require me to go to school but its such a far out of reach I never really considered doing it bc it wasn't practical. What's pratical is going to nursing school and make good/above average income and live happily ever after. Or get a business degree, or something, anything that is structured, the failure rate is low, and income is good.

That's life and how's its broke down to me. Is that happiness? I don't know. I think I could make myself happy on some level anywhere as far as college level jobs given the atmosphere. But whatever these are rambles bc I am upset. But seriously I will not allow myself to spend my entire life in AZ. There is more out there to explore. I would like to live in the south somewhere at least a short time just to see what its like.

I'm better

I feel better. A good nights sleep was all I needed.
Although I have been doing some good ole thinking and I think that I have done the best thing for myself. I have stepped away and I am no longer in the drama. Well I am but I have distanced myself from it.
My one friend J doesnt have my number and I now know that she knows that she cant contact me. I wonder how she feels at this point that she cant just pick up the phone and just call and I wonder if she feels bad about it. I hope to god she doesnt show up bc that would be bad. I dont want to talk to her. I could have someone else answer and tell her I am out or I could give her a piece of my mind. I guess I'll cross this bridge when if/when I need to.

As far as the other DQ, well it seems she may be getting back w/ the person that sold her out. We'll see what happens next.

I am starting to get lonely. I am glad that my good friend Yasmin (Yasminsplace.com) is coming home. But she seems to have a new best friend. A girl she met when she was studying abroad and happens to live here in Az. But I'm sure we will be just fine. I couldnt be replaced that easily. Her and I have gone through to much to let anyone get between us or make us grow apart.

In some ways I am glad that I got to spend this time alone and in other ways its been hard. It's allowed me to reflect on the past few mos and the past few weeks. I will get through this one way or another. I just hope good times start to roll in soon.

I have to get my Fafsa corrected. I may not make it to school afterall. I am worried.

But with that I dont have much else to say.

I love my job

And for an example this is why.

Today I get in and the few people that are here are not here. So I take a seat and then everyone piles back in. Pete one of my bosses tells me Katie my direct supervisor made speghetti for everyone in the kitchen. So then a couple min later Katie comes in and tells me to go grab some 'sgetti'. I do and its awesome, better than anyones 'sgetti' I've ever had. Along with the 'sgetti' are thick homemade chocolate chunk cookies. And there is milk in the fridge. It was perfect.And this isnt a one time thing. She does it frequently.

This place is a rather small campus but it has everything from a gym to a big FULL size kitchen that is stocked. And there is a small fish pond and thats my favorite bc I've always wanted a pond and now I kinda have one.
Katie my direct sup is awesome. She's from SC so shes a southern girl. 37 but you's never guess that she was. She looks 27-29. And she's looks great.
Some days I can be busy on little projects but most days I sit here doing little things like this and reading stuff online. The only thing I have to do is checks and that can take hour-hour and half. Oh and I feed the fish if Katie hasnt already.
:)

One more awesome bonus. Katie said I could do HW stuff at my desk. Now it wouldnt be right to have all my text books and papers all over the place but I will have the chance to read and do small assignments and maybe even write paper on the compu while I am here.

terrorists

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8492258/

My british name is Charlotte Wilkinson

Whats your's?
http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/10/

7/6/05 I pretty much hate everyone

At least at this point in my life.
So I shut off my cell phone before I got stuck in another 2yr agreement for buying a new one. I'm just going to send the damn thing back and I told them I would call them if I changed my mind. I have certain amount of time if i choose to go back I can have my same number.

Here's the story.
I had a Verizon phone (the best company ever as far as quality cell service, never dropped a call) but i dropped it & it broke, and my contract was up. So I signed w/ Alltel and got an above average phone for a good price. Well I went with Alltel bc B was on Alltel and one of my old friends had Alltel. Mobile to Mobile minutes baby! And it was actually saving me a bit of cash w some extra features. Well B and I are no bueno and my old friend is now an 'old' friend. She messed up a little bit. So now the mobile to mobile min dont apply and really till I figure out my school money I dont really need anymore extra expenses. I could do it, but why? Thats extra money for something else. And a 2 year contract! So I chucked it. I needed to change my number anyway. i'll just be phoneless for a month. I really could care less at this point. I am so exhausted of dealing with other peoples crap. I'm honestly so emotionaly drained I dont think I could cry another tear.
So fuck em right?
I'm sure I'll get another phone and we'll see where my life is at that point. Right now I know that i will be OK no matter what happens.

Random thoughts on relationships

(more to be added later)

Lets all admit everyone wants to love and be loved. Its only our nature. However, the formula for that lasting love is losing its potency. I feel bad for the people that are getting married. We all know the statics. We all know more than half of marriages are going to end in divorce. How funny or horrible would our vows be if we cushioned this new stastic? 'I promise to love you as much as I can, however I can not make a promise on behalf of my future self so I promise that as of right now I love you with all of my heart and will try to love you just as mush if not more from this day foward till death to us part.'

Oh god. What do you say to each other? 'Honey we know that staticly we are fucked but we truly love each other so lets try this out! So what if it ruins us in more ways than we nkowq?

I'm sorry. I'm a product of a divorced family. maybe thats why I am so cynical but I cant help but think that way and even all those sweet nothings that you shared w/ that special person could be horse shit.But i would hope that they arent and want to believe otherwise.

i'm sorry its random

Reasons Why I Rock

Just a few reasons listed that make me; ~me~ and why they are so cool

1.) I am an understanding person. Maybe sometimes overly understanding w/ people I love. Approach me as a human w/ faults and weaknesses and I will try my hardest to understand & be open minded.

2.) I have a decent sense of humor. I may not laugh at everything, but if I laugh at your joke it was damn good.

3.) Straight forward and overly direct. Ummm well I don't like being confused or being confusing. I prefer when people treat me the w/ the same.

4.) I have a big heart

5.) Underneath it all I am sensitive. I may not seem that way but when it comes to an opinions that matter I can be a softy.

6.) I have some rebel spirits in me. I have enough rebel in me that I wont always follow the majority, I have my own thoughts, and also I can have some fun too. But I am still responsible and try to be mindful of cultural difference's

7.) I can admit I was/am wrong. You have to prove it to me first though, otherwise I am just hard headed. :)

8.) I ask questions, I just have to be clear.

9.) I can be a good listener and a good talker.

10.) I am a loyal, sometimes overly loyal bc it causes me stress when other aren't as much as me.

I am doing a bit better

I am starting to feel a little bit better. However I am not all the way there yet. Still uncomfortable. And I would like to clear the air. I am not sick bc I 'over did it' this weekend. I haven't even had a drink in over a week. I am just sick from a bug of some sort. Anyways, I still feel like crap and I woke up way 2 early. I originally woke up at 6 then again at 7 then again at 8 so I finally just got up. But now I think I'll go lay down for a bit before I have to leave for work. I cant believe I have to go in today. Its only when I have a new job that I really feel that bad that i dont want to go in. Oh and I had a horrible dream last night. You know the ones that are so real and you are almost aware and making conscious choices? What do they call them...elusive dreams? Well whatever they are I had a horrible one and i hate it bc they make you feel differently even after you have them.

Came back to blab about how horrible i feel

OK well I dont think it was diet. I think i might just have caught something or its food poisening. Whatever it is I feel like ass and am going to bed at 7:45p. Hope everyone had a good 4th of July.

Very Sick

Hello. I am very ill today. I dont know what its from but I woke up in the middle of the night and was very sick. I wont even say all that I could bc I know that it would be to much info. But I am sick. I think it might have been my diet. It was so horrible. Yesterday I cheated and ate a meal that I normally wouldnt be allowed to and I think since I have not been eating carbs and everything it blew up in my face. Today I am easing my way back into carbs so that I dont have a repeat. So far its been appple juice and a bite of rice. Any diet that has caused me to react like that is no good and I didnt even loose that much weight. bastards. So low fat? Low cal? South beach? Even my inside girl parts feel weird today. I cant even say or express what an empty no good feeling its been all day. I cant wait to get over it. I almost want to go eat diary queen and get the brownie blaster. Its so good and I have been CRAVING IT.

I called B a little while and ago and no answer or call back. I think that his drunk dial to me was a joke or something. So that makes me feel shitty inside. I dont know what I did to him but it his choice to completely ignore me. And then I think....that no matter how mad at him I have been I've not once ingored his call. Thats not fair. And the last time I remember him ignoring me was last.....Valentines day wkend. I couldnt remember what the hell it was called.

So thats about that. I think i am going to go eat a PBJ.

Hello again....

I guess I am back again. I took a nap and slept in WAY late so I have missed the fire works. OH well. Its so crazy that this time last year I was out with Blake at his friends house. WOW. Time flies.

Well I guess here's a big FUCK YOU & adios to all the people that I have began to learn to live with out (the fuck you has been on its way). Some have been easier than others. I think that could be expected. But there's no room for people that don't support me, that cause me anguish/drama, that have been selfish, and that don't always have my best interest in mind. Screw you. Seriously I just don't care have you around. There are so many better things about me that I believe that will carry me far away from this place in my life. So I simply dont need or want you around. Here's the door!

Which that makes me start on another thing...
My life seems to work in spurts. For some reason with me when it rains it pours. I seem to have light to moderate stress through out the year. But it seems that there are a few mos in each year that are extremely harder than others. It seems to me that despite whatever I am doing or who I am dating or who I am friends with that I kinda trudge through it alone. Perhaps its something I am to complete and get through alone but in some ways that makes me somewhat mad bc the people that are suppose to be close to me I think should help me through those times, not like get me out of the problem but mentally be there for me so I have some support. But instead I feel like they in some ways the few people that do stick around actually drag me down or add stress.

BAD TIMING for that. It's bad enough that I have been so stressed that I have not gotten my period. I mean isn't that enough? That's a crazy emotional roller coaster on its own. But I suppose not. That is not enough. I have to somehow get through all this on my own. And I think for the most part I have so maybe it was for me to get throughout alone. Who knows? But I didn't end up needing that hug or that just calling to see how you are doing.. or whatever it was. But those small things do mean so much. Like inside I a really am mush. I mean even sweet little text messages that I would get from friends I kept in my inbox just so I could read them again. I saved a message from B from a long time. It was him telling me he was snuggling with my pillow and that he wished that I was with him. That was probably from almost a year from now. And like I said I kept little things that my friends sent me. Just for good thoughts. So maybe I am kinda of a mush and take things a little more deeply but I just in some ways resent my friends and family for not being better support for me during the hard times.

I have said this before and I will say it again now I feel like in some ways that I have just gone through a mid life crisis. and WOW I am almost shot emotionally. I don't think I could take more. On a lighter note I think if everyone else fails that my friend Jeff will always be there for me. Even though we will have are own fights and turbulent times I think that he will be there till the end. I mean even if I went nutso and had to be put into a institution he would still care about me and I think he would be one of the few that would come see me through that. So I love you Jeff. He doesn't have this web pages address but its the shout out that counts. I guess out of everyone besides the obvious he's been a helping hand through this last week that has been so rough on me. So thank you for that. I really appreciated it.

7/3/05 Hello....

I dont have anything specific to say.
My weekend so far has been long and boring and for some reason I am almost excited to go to work on..tuesday. It's better than sititng at home. Although my Mom and I have been hanging out and thats been cool. We just got done watching In Good Company. It was actually good. I enjoyed it. Have not heard from either of my Drama Q's. Its probably a good thing. I am officially a loner. Its almost OK. Sometimes I get bored but I dont think to the point that being near them would be better than being bored. So thats about that. I feel like a going to puke. I;ve been on the low card diet and today I cheated and I feel so gross uh its horrible. Never again. Well since I am so boring I think I am going to take a nap. Good night.

Just checking in

I thought I had some things to say but I don't.

I was pissed last night and ranted and raved on here. Kinda funny now.

Seems as though B has disappeared. Breaks my heart.

I've become a pot head. I want to smoke right now, but my Dad might be calling me so I dont want to be all stupid on the phone. But the urge might get the best of me. Lets see how long I can keep myself entertained till I give up and go do it. T is suppose to have another bag for me tonight. I need it. I dont have much left.
I like getting high bc I dont care as much as when I'm not, like I am prone to be more bothered by certain things. Things just seem like they make better sense too as well as they seem more concrete. Things are obviously more humorous but I dont think all this is really going to make sense to anyone besides me. So I am a doper. I couldnt keep my hands off it. You should watch 'Being Bobby Brown. Its mildly entertaining.

Well I am not going to feel so bad. A lot of people smoke. I'm just kinda aware of it bc I havent liked to smoke in a while.

So anyways. On to more important things.
I think my Mom is depressed. I wish there was something I can do but theres not right now.

Ok here something worth writing about.
I got into a fight w/B bc of this drama that is honestly no concern of ours. But we had different opinions and we clashed. But I am glad now that I stuck my ground and wanted to 'wait it out' bc since I did yesterday was exactly what I needed. Confirmation that particular people in my life were no good except to cause drama, at least as of now. Had I not allowed myself to see this I may have questioned myself later. I got to see it in other parts of my week as well but yesterday really nailed the situation. There is nothing left to question in my head.

Sometimes in certain situations its better to move yourself out of the situation quietly rather then make a big stink on the way out. It's passive but it maybe best. If i threw a stink these girls might cause more stir up and try to suck me back in or it might cause people to hate each other and to do cruel things to each other. Neither of those are good. And maybe when things cool down I will think differently or perhaps we are just going in our own directions. I've known to do this. Meet up w/ old friends and then we will just fall into these breaks where we dont talk very often and we all do our own thing. Hang out with other/new friends.

I hate it that B & I are so distant, or that he is so distant with me. It really makes me feel like shit inside. But there is nothing for me to do.

So thats whats going on with me
I need to enjoy my time off bc very soon my schedule is going to hectic. I wish I had some prjects to do. But I dont so I guess I'll go watch some TV.
Adios for now.

Re: Screw Everything

Seriously screw everything.
I am this mad that I came back to bitch some more.
I swear as soon as I get some time to screw my head back on I will be putting few people in their place. Well.. not to sound like a hard ass or anything but seriously some people are going to get an earfull or a pagefull of wisdom from me.
People that can jump around and play a situation make me sick bc its not cool.
Peoeple that will make mistakes and let it be known to me w/i a weeks time is not going to get sympathy either.

Heres an example:
(this girl changed her number early this week and I dont have it.)

Rachael @yahoo.com> wrote:
thanks for broadcasting all the things i said to you to ****

Lame ass wrote:
WHAT DO U MEAN?

I would think that bc of the current situation that you would not have words w/ ****about the fight between bla bla bla, blo bla bla & bla blah along with everything else that youbrought up with ****. but you did. Basically you just caused another issue but this time between **** & I

I DIDNT TALK SHIT ABOUT ANYONE LAST NIGHT AND MY INTENTIONS WERENOT BAD I THOUGHT THEY KNEW

(They didnt)

WELL SORRY I DIDNT KNOW THAT...AND THANKS FOR TELLING HER THAT I WANTEDTO GO TO **** PARTY SO I COULD RUN INTO ****...I WANT TO GO TO **** PARTY BECAUSE HES MY FRIEND AND I PROBABLY WONT SO I DONT END UP SEEING ****

Oh GOOD god. I said that you could want to go to **** bc of *** being there.I never said thats exactly why you are going and furthermore i said that straight to your face that it wasnt a good idea to go to bc you'll just fight and cause a scene

I KNOW THATS Y I PROBABLY WONT GO;...LOOK RACH I LOVE U TO DEATH IF I DIDNT I WOULDNT BE TALKING TO U...**** SEES IT AND I HOPE U DO TOO DESPITE WHAT ASSHOLE blah blah SAYS


Fuck!!! Why did I even bother talking to you?! There was no reason! At all. I hate chicks THEY SUCK.

Ok well I am done ranting now. I've had one hellofa day and all I want are few puffs to let my mind go numb.

This is exactly why no matter how sick of dick i could get I'll NEVER EVER be a dike.

And to think this all started bc some guy decided to sell out his girlfriend when he was drunk & pissed at her. Thats it! and drama land rolls over on everything.

Other News:
So my fasfa was processed and so that means that someone knows how much I'll get but i may not know till school actually starts.
But i should know in a few weeks.
Job is good.
Family is good.
Why dont you visit a happy blog
YASMINSPLACE.COM
she just visited the Great Barrier Reef, its interesting on a good note.

Screw everything

I am so pissed right now. i dont even know where to start. I guess I'll start w/ a screw everyone. Girls are fucking drama queens! I was going to try and explain but its not even worth words. J and M are pussies and are probably going to get back together. You dont say I love you to someone you dont want to be with. So thats my stance on that. But we'll see what happens. They would have to come up some type of plan to clear the air. I am so convinced right now that I should just disconnect my phone and change my email. I hate everyone. There are so many fake & lame people out there. I'd rather be on my own than w/ that.
I always think that: Birds of the same feather flock together. It's not always true but most of the time it is. But what does this say inregard to me? Not good stuff but I think that i am different. And there are a few people that dont fit the stereotype but what the fuck. This is all just crap. It really is. The fact that people are just fake and lame and LIARS i fucking hate all of it. I am too young to be so jaded but everywhere I look its just fucking DRAMA. Drama in my email, drama on the phone, drama on the call waiting, drama at the door drama just fucking everywhere. Nothing is right right now and holy fuck this has to be the final cycle bc WOW i have just been besides myself over everything for way TOO long. For like weeks now its just been horrible. Like I take a step or two foward and then get slammed w/more crap. I hate it. I finally just realized that i am completely alone and I couldnt want to be more alone ever again.

7/1/05 YESSS!

OK I have been doing the low carb thing and I lost 4 lbs in one day! YESSS!

I started to think that I was gaining bc I didnt think I was loosing anything but NOPE i lost 4 lbs so far so awesome for me. I could have lost more and really I should have lost more but I dont know bc I havent been weighing myself.

I think that I kinda see where i lost weight. I stood in front of a mirror naked & my belly looks smaller to me and the area right above my hips is more shrunk in. Does that make sense? like my hips look like more defined ski slopes. It goes big boobs, ski slope and the area shrinks into my sides and then my hips are wider than the mid section of my waist. Yay.

I do have a tiny butt. Its a really small little babies butt.

Re: Re: Comments

I'm not throughly convinced that a friends is curb worthy just bc her EX boyfriend decided he didnt want to be with her and has decided to try and blow her out of the water. Beleive it or not people get mad and say shit to make the other people look bad. I know that she is not perfect. But its my choice on what I believe and what I dont. Its my choice how close I want to hold her as a f

Re: Comments

Oh by the way -about the comment about back stabbers and pity fucks that was someone that thinks I am getting walked on and taken advantage and my post As Always explains my perception the scenario. But I'll write again for more clarification.

Situations are not perfect. People are not perfect. I am not perfect.
However, I feel that my way of handling my dealings is just fine. Just bc I dont kick someone when they are down bc of 'he said she said' BS doesnt mean that I am a pussy or that I am lettingmyself be walked on. I am aware of what is happening/happened and I am silently waiting for more of the truth to come out. I do that in 'talks' and in random conversation and silently watching & collecting what I need to make my own judjement. In time everything will fit together.

I will never follow a group opinion just because its the majority opinion. Thats HS shit and I wont be bothered with it. I've been that person once that got turned on by a group of people that were 'friends'. People that didnt even know me or the situation tried to beat me down w/ this nonsense. And since then I will always do things MY way bc I know how it can be. If everyone else wants to handle something a certian way then that is fine. Thats you, but that is not me.

And last of all, if I am outcasted bc I have my own opinion well -I guess I'll just stop there and you can make up your own ending.

6/28/05 My Horoscope:

Whoa! What the heck was that? Did you just feel the earth move under your feet? Lately it feels like foundations that you take for granted no matter what are being awfully shifty and unreliable. It's important to remember that in this world, the only constant element is change. So while it feels like everything is in a state of upheaval, hold onto a sense of perspective and you'll be just fine

In some ways this is true; but mostly just about the changes. I dont think I have taken much for granted lately. But I do believe I'll be just fine.

Went out w/ my Mother and had din-din she loves her new job and they have great benefits and pension plans so she thinks she might stay on board.

She also told me when our health insurance kicks in I will be seeing a specialist bc the pill is not making me have a period. My Mom told me she thinks I seem to be retaining a lot of water weight bc of my hormone levels are off and that even my Grandma is worried about me. The pill fails everytime i get more stressed than normal. So I am going to go to a specialist in August and will probably have my hormone levels tested and then whatever hormone I am lacking will be given to me or maybe even a procedure. I am not sure. But even though I know my hormones are off; right now especially I dont feel that bad off. I have felt worse bc of this thing. WAY WORSE. I feel like myself for the most part. So thats with that. I dropped the ball and didnt take care of it the first time.

I gotta go to work today and it doesnt bother me one bit, I cant wait. Maybe I'll use the tread mill in the gym today.